Slapping, spanking, etc.

[chiquito2005]

My son who is now 7 has become more and more unruly and impolite... I was devastated when his cousins told me that he was misbehaving when he slept over and got to the point of using the "F" word and telling to her aunt "you're stupid"... He screams almost at every turn when interacting with others and even me. All the other forms of punishement are losing impact and he is poking fun of time outs... His mother spanks him and uses other forms of corporal punishement. But so far I haven't done that but my family, relatives, are pressuring me that I need to watch for my child and some good spanking and slapping will make a difference... just like we grew up. I agree with them 100%. Among other things, it is clear that spanking will teach him good lesssons because he wouldn't misbehave to that extent when he is with his mother who disciplines him with spanking and the like. What I am very afraid of is accusations of children abuse if I dare to spank or slap. I am the father and I am the non-custodial parent.

In light of the above, what is your comment from a legal standpoint? what has been the position of the courts about spanking and slapping? Is it illegal in New York state to use corporal punishement when disciplining a child? The last thing I want is to find myself in family court or under supervised visitation because I spanked my child. Please don't lecture me about those long, unproven and "politically correct" theories on how spanking is child abuse, talk to the child, affection, yadi yada... I practice all of that to no avail. I just need to know the legal implications if I am sued on the ground of slapping my child. Thanks a lot for your help.

[wendl]

Personally I wouldn't spank your child, who knows what mom will accuse you of.

Can you remove the child from the situation, I know at they get older time outs don't work.  This is what we have done.

1) take away what they love most, baseball, video games whatever
2) put em to work, make him shovel rocks, clip grass with skissors, scrub the toliet with a toothbrush.

This worked with my son he was pigheaded but HATED to work.

[Hawkeye]

You can't control everything with your child when he's away from you. But I think you should talk with the aunt and ask her what she did (or didn't do) when he misbehaved. If they don't 'police' him, he may try to get away with anything. Sounds like he's testing the 'envelope'. Give the aunt some groundrules you would like to have enforced.

Kids make fun of rules that are not enforced. They need boundaries.

My (our) son is seven also and what I've found works best is the SILENT treatment. Sort of like a staring contest... I just stand there, stare him down and he soon KNOWS that what he did was unacceptable. Make him stand in a corner, if there's no corner, tell him to make one!

Taking away a privelege can be so much more effective than hitting them. Violence begets violence, does it not? Instill some guilt, a conciense (sp?)

You should post this on the Socrateaser board, he might know the laws of NY State.  Be the rock your son needs, not a stone thrower. I think you can do this without ever having to lay a hand on him. Teach him that some words are just BAD. Teach him that some behavior can get him a disapproving stare down from DAD. Be consistent and FIRM but gentle.  

[c_alexander]

You know I am not sure of the legality of anything. I DO know that it is none of the business of the law how you discipline your child. If a parent is beating the crap out of their kid then I think something should be done simply because there is something wrong with the parent ot think that kind of behavior is alirght, but heck I think the biggest problem with the kids today is that they are NOT being properly disciplined. I spank have spanked my daughter and will do so again if I have to.
Normally I don't have to resort to spaking, normally just lowering my voice, putting an angery "I'm serious" look on my face and speaking to her is enough to keep her from behaving badly. On occasion however it is simply nessecary to spank a child. You can buy into all that time out garbage if you like, but then again I don't remember there being boot camps for bad kids when I was young. I don't remember seeing any ADD kids when i was young...certainly not any on drugs to calm them down.  I don't remember seeing bad kids on daytime talkshows when I was a kid. Also I have not seen a significant reduction in child abuse since some child protective services have decided to go after people who disciplined their kids by spanking.
In the end I guess I can't tell you legally what to do. As a fellow parent I can only tell you what has worked in my experience. Spaking in my book is a nessecity, but only as a last resort after trying to work it out sensibly has failed.

[Troubledmom]

Generally in regards to spankings the rule of thumb is if it leaves no marks it is acceptable. You are to use ONLY your hand, no belt, no spoon, no other "object". It is considered abuse to use an object to spank a child in most places.

Slapping should never be used.

Some ideas on "discipling" for foul language and mistreatment of others that I found VERY affective with my kids is to have them write a letter of apology. The letter must say what they did wrong, why it was wrong, and a promise to not do it again. An old trick going back to teachers making kids write a hundered times on the chalk board using paper instead also seems to make a difference in future infractions. My experience has been that by having to write it it stays with them longer than a spanking or time out.

Hope that helps a bit.

TM

[c_alexander]

I'd just like to say as a kid that got the belt the spoon, switches, and who knows what else I grew up just fine and even as a child never looked at this as abuse. I knew I screwed up and accepted the punishment. I believe that this is one area the government should stay out of. How you choose to discipline your child is your business...SO LONG as it is NOT excessive. I do not believe that these other forms of punishment are all that effective.