Question: Hit the ground with Guns Flaring or Considerate Start?

[devotedFather]

Question:  Hit the ground with Guns Flaring or Considerate Start?

I'm interested to hear how others have started their divorce.  In my opinion there's really only two ways either with Guns Flaring or with a Considerate Start.  Both have their pros and cons but is one better then the other with respect to child custody?  Since I can not imagine a day passing where I'm not involved in my children's lives, I would like as much custody as possible.  Being a man I realize the odds are not in my favor so is there a strategy that is better suited for us men seeking custody?  
With a Gun Flaring start and declaring sole physical custody, you hit the ground running but risk pissing off the ex hence making her uncooperative.  
With a Considerate start you could ask for separate living arrangements with a 50/50 custody while the divorce proceeds.  This would help set a precedent that increases a man's odds at getting 50/50 but it may detract from the odds of getting sole custody since it wasn't requested in the first place.  
I'm curious to hear the group's thoughts.
Thanks in advance.

[kels]

Being a woman, a step mom and wife to a "nice guy" I say, go in guns blarring, balls to the wall. Seriously.
Being nice isn't going to get you any more, and probably less. The ex will see it as a sign of weakness and take advantage.
You're getting divorced. The time for nice has passed. You don't need to draw blood, not right away, but don't play nice nice either. Just don't.
You, and your future wife (there will be another woman sooner or later) wil regret it.

[IceMountain]

I agree with Kels.  As stated on here over and over... treat it as a business deal!!!  My ex and I made nice before our divorce was finalized.  I let myself be taken advantage of and ended out with a vague, one-sided order.  

It's now been 5 years and I just spent more than $5000 in attorney's fees to get the original 'visitation' order changed to what I should have gotten in the first place.

Go in guns flaring!

[melissa3]

These should help. Good luck.


http://deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.php

http://deltabravo.net/custody/thelist.php

[b1798]

My "nice Guy" and I are going through this now and we wish we would've come out guns flaring. It doesn't mean you have to argue with your ex, but always ask for the most that way you can barter in the end. Courts are reluctant to change custody arrangements if they have taken place for a period of time. But I am also fair in that unless the mother is truly unfit each of you only deserve 50/50. And if you can get her to agree to that and joint legal custody your doing better than most.
Good luck

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I think the answer depends upon how strong your position is with regard to get the outcome you want.

For example, if you've been the primary caretaker of the children, you stand a much better chance at 50/50 custody; and there wouldn't be much that the mother can do (regardless of your initial approach) to change that.

The most important thing is to become educated on how the whole process works, well before anyone files for divorce.

Buy a couple books, do quite a bit of reading online, and really LEARN what matters in custody decisions.

If you're educated about it, you can put your case together and plan.  For example, if you're not the primary caretaker, you can change your life a bit to spend much more time with the kids for the six months prior to filing for divorce.

But in answer to your general question, if I had it to do over again, I would have my case all prepared, and THEN invite mediation with a very very short window of opportunity for it.

So, all it would take is one call to your attorney to "File everything today" if her response to mediation discussion is negative.

Unless she's also quietly planning her case, you'd still beat her to the punch with that approach.

If you're requesting sole custody from the court, and if you've only done 20% of the parenting of the kids (e.g., if she's a stay at home parent while you work), you've really got an uphill battle.

Since joint custody can occur even with a 30/70 plan (or 70/30), I don't see the point of requesting sole custody unless a parent is a threat to a child.