Parental Kidnapping

[KwonEkstrom]

My daughter Cara was born on Dec 30th '03 with a heart condition, transposition of the great arteries, and had open heart surgery at 3 days old.

Since then, my wife has gone up to Ohio with her for appointments and often refuses to come home.

Of the 27 months or so my daughter has been alive, I've probably been in the same state as her for all of 8 months, no more than 3 consecutive.

This september, I went up with her to Ohio for an apt, but they needed some followup tests requiring Cara to stay up for those.  I had to come home in October to work and pay bills... basically take care of our home, cats, etc.

In december, I fly back up there for an apt and hear from the Dr that she doesn't need another apt for 6 months.  Now, I had to fly home on new years day... my wife asked if she could stay up there for her bday (the third), and I let her.  But... she doesn't come home.  After some fighting, I finally convince her to book a flight back on the 5th of febuary... A flight that she intentionally misses when I find out from her best friend that she enrolled in college up there.  It has now been over 7 months since my daughter has come home and my wife still does not show any signs of returning.

I've started looking into a divorce, but have filed no paperwork yet.  She's my daughter too and I've gotten virtually no time with her.  My wife is living with her parents, and has no other means of supporting our child.  Is now receiving welfare from the state of Ohio.  While I'm currently having some rough times (lost my job last year), I'm able to support all of us working from home as a contract programmer.  Having grown up in the foster care system and welfare... I'd rather my daughter not have to deal with the system in that way while I can provide a higher standard of living here.

I'm just wondering if there's something I can do about this.

-- Kwon J. Ekstrom

[CustodyIQ]

This is not kidnapping.  Married parents have equal authority to do what they feel is best for their child, including travel and residency.  You can take your child to your home, without breaking any laws.

It's not until a judge makes some court orders that married parents become restricted in what they can do with their kids.

Given that you readily admit you've hardly been around the child, you stand very little chance of getting custody of her via the courts.

Your best path would be to move to where the child lives, spend increasing amounts of time with her, and then file for child custody orders at that time.

That your wife can't earn much only means that you'll be ordered to pay more in child support.

There's no reason why this child should end up in foster care, but it doesn't sound like she'll avoid having a judge determine when she should see which of her parents.

You really need to read up on how child custody works, so you can put together a plan that keeps you significantly involved in your child's life, if that's what you want.

Up to now, it seems that the mother believes you're a pushover who deserves no respect.  This is apparent through her actions, and that doesn't bode well for working things out amicably.

[Jeanie47]

Yes you can do something.  You have all the same rights as your wife.  You need to file ASAP. She can not leave state with your daughter with out your consent.  But you need to file first.  In my state(AZ) when the parents are married UNTIL there is a court order saying other wise, BOTH parents shall have joint legal and physical custody.  YOU have those rights and now you need to exercise them!!!!

only my opinion and shared experience.

[KwonEkstrom]

While I agree that it's doubtful I could file kidnapping charges on her.  From my point of view she has taken my daughter without my consent.  That's the very definition of kidnapping.

I've done everything I could to be a part of my daughter's life.  The only reason I don't have access to her is because I've been trying to give her the best care I can and pay for our bills.

From what you've said... it sounds to me like my best bet is simply to go up and take my child... basically what she's done to me.  Something I haven't seriously considered because of the obvious issues that will arise.

As for foster care, if you read what I posted... I simply mentioned my experience and a desire for my daughter to avoid the system entirely.  There's no reason for her to even be on welfare while I can provide for her.

[KwonEkstrom]

My current plan has been to file for divorce and get my daughter back in NM for this reason.  

When my parents were fighting over me and my 2 sisters... my mom lived in NM, and my dad in TX.  As a result during the fighting, we often ended up in foster care.

Now, there are some differences here.  My mom had some problems that should have prevented her from receiving custody of us in the first place.

My dad was forced to retire from the military to get custody of us, which is why we ended up on welfare.  There were a lack of jobs in the area at the time so we were living on his retirement most of the time.

My wife... does take care of our daughter.  I've felt that she should be the primary caretaker and have allowed her to do so.  Which is one of the reasons I'm in this boat now.

My trust in this matter has recently reached it's breaking point however.  Its been my dream for a while to have my own family, one that has turned into a nightmare.  

[CustodyIQ]

Kidnapping is a legal term.  You're using it as a descriptive term.  There was no legal kidnapping in your situation, though it may feel like it.

I did not advise that you should go "take" your child, though you'd be within your rights to do so.  I don't think it'd be good for the child for you to take her against her mother's will.

You've outlined three big things, when it comes to how custody will work.

1.  There is apparently a far distance between where the father lives and where the mother has been raising the child.

2.  The mother has been the primary caretaker of this child.

3.  You think the mother is a good parent.

If you were to file papers, with these issues present, it's a near guarantee that the mother's attorney will convince a court to make temporary orders that she remain living where she is, and that the child remain living primarily with the mother.

I assume that no other major relevant issues are present (e.g., severe mental illness, violence, drugs, etc).

You need to figure out how to alter the first two of those issues (i.e., as you can't change the third one) BEFORE asking a judge to look at the situation and rule.

Learn it now, or learn it the hard way.

You need to LEARN how to prepare your case BEFORE you file, or you are heading down a path that is exactly what you say you don't want.

Once those first temporary orders are made, it's an uphill battle to change them significantly.

No one wishes to put their kids through divorce or the family law system.  It's not like you're so different from the millions of parents who split up.  You do have some insight into wanting to shield your daughter from conflict, which should serve her as you move forward.

You're here now, and you need to make a solid plan and act on it.

[KwonEkstrom]

>Kidnapping is a legal term.  You're using it as a descriptive
>term.  There was no legal kidnapping in your situation, though
>it may feel like it.

Did you actually read what I posted?  Go back and read carefully...  Because you're basically repeating me.  As I said, the subject of the thread is because I feel that is what has happened to me, but I agree that I cannot take legal recourse.

>I did not advise that you should go "take" your child, though
>you'd be within your rights to do so.  I don't think it'd be
>good for the child for you to take her against her mother's
>will.

If you read what I posted, I didn't say you told me to.  I simply pointed out that in the situation you describe... I am personally better off simply taking my child back.  I also mentioned that I haven't considered this because of the obvious problems it creates.  However for me as an individual that is the best recourse.  For the family as a whole, it is not.

>You've outlined three big things, when it comes to how custody
>will work.
>
>1.  There is apparently a far distance between where the
>father lives and where the mother has been raising the child.

The mother lives in NM with me.  She however has repeatedly taken the child out of state for various reasons for varying amounts of time living in very unstable conditions.  She lives with her parents who are mentally abusive as well... but that's not likely a factor... she may not always live with her parents.

>3.  You think the mother is a good parent.

No, I don't think that she is a good parent.  I think that she takes care of my daughter.  However there are several other circumstances.

>I assume that no other major relevant issues are present
>(e.g., severe mental illness, violence, drugs, etc).

There are.

>You need to LEARN how to prepare your case BEFORE you file, or
>you are heading down a path that is exactly what you say you
>don't want.

Excuse me?  What do you think this is about?  Perhaps you should read what I've posted.

I have not filed paperwork yet... I am looking for information... So in a nutshell... this post is part of my preparation.  Getting a feel for what people have been through and seeing what options are available for me.

It's all in my first post if you care to check.  So don't go insulting my intelligence with this nonsence.

[KwonEkstrom]

I posted here looking for information about my problem.

Yet all I seem to get is some idiot nitpicking over my choice of subject and ignoring 90% of what I'm saying.  It's obvious that CustodyIQ isn't reading my posts, he often repeats what I've stated... Even if it's the very first paragraph of the post.

So don't bother posting on this thread anymore.  I'm going somewhere that people actually give information... not stand on a soapbox and tell me how they're better than I am.

-- Kwon J. Ekstrom

[wendl]

Call a good family law attorney, request for custody in your home state (if that is allowed since you are still married) and request the child be returned to home state immediately.

But you need to contact and attorney ASAP and file.

Document everything, trips to the dr, etc.

Post to SOC he may know if you can file in NM or if you have to file in Ohio


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Davy]

Find the 'articles' section at the bottom of the page and look in that section for the Uniforrm Child Custody Jurisdiction Act (UCCJA/EA) for NM.  Also review the federal statue Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act (PKPA).  You  would be better prepared to discuss your circumstances with an attorney.  

Best of everything.