Volatile custody exchange today....

[dipper]

The custody order has #1....three weekends per month (Fri-Sun)...........#6...two weeks each month of June, July, August.

Now, for two summers dh was the NCP (since her move) and the order was treated as if #6 REPLACED #1 during the summer.  He did not get two weeks per month...as she would make plans in June and so he would get one week...and then she always let us know that visitation was according to what she says...."schedule is fine as is now, but circumstances may alter...."....."I will not agree to YOUR schedule, as circumstances may arise that alter....."

Dating back to October 2004..."he may not be with you until Saturdays of these weekends...."


She has denied numerous visitation times.  Refused to make-up the time....never giving dh any input.  She has completely make up her own rules to visitation.

But, now.....while dh only had six weeks per summer....she is claiming that the exact same order entitles her to the three weekends plus two weeks......

Now, the order can actually be considered either way.....but, as she never gave dh the time before...then she either willingly violated the order or never read it until it applied to her.....

She is used to calling the shots and she is still attempting to do so..

[dipper]

We took ss to camp yesterday and were surprised she wasnt there then...but, we were early and left before the actual drop off time, so she may have came afterwards.

SS mentioned that a schedule had been in his camp letter...very interesting since she only gave us the papers as to what to BUY him for camp.  So, I asked his counselor and found out that Friday is family/friends day.  Anyone can go and spend the afternoon activities and meals with the child.  She hadnt wanted us to know this......I imagine picking him up then would have been so funny to her....as dh would have showed up Saturday.....  

She will see ss on July 4th for the day and then have her two weeks July 7......

She actually fussed at dh saying this meant she would be three weeks without seeing ss...but she is the one who signed him up for camp without asking dh anything.

[dipper]

And I failed twice!  My daughter has a mini one..so last year when bm was in our yard screaming, cursing, and slapping ss.....I got the camera and thought it automatically started recording when you opened it....It did NOT.

So, last week I took it and opened it as she approached the van and pushed video...but evidently I did it before it had completely turned on.  i didnt get a thing.  

I have typed up something telling her dh will be recording all exchanges with her....He needs to send that to her and actually follow through.  She is very verbally abusive and there is just no excuse for it...

[dipper]

We are not saying no to be vindictive...or to get back at her.  i was stating all of that just to show what a hypocrite she is to threaten court when she has NEVER followed the order unless it was to her benefit.

DH wants to pick ss up because ALL school year he has been in her care, we want to spend time with him.  It is dh's time, not hers.  He is not taking any of her time as she has done to him numerous times.  Remember in Feb when she took ss to camp and picked him up..she did that on DH's weekend -and never gave him make-up time.  

DH is giving her every minute of her time.  Just she wants it all on her terms as always.  DH even gave ss the option of who is to pick him up....and ss is adamant that he wants dh to.

SS is very stressed that she is going to show up and mouth off.  He kept telling dh yesterday to come early because "you know mom is and she is going to start something."  SS is hoping to be gone before she gets there....or atleast not to have to fight her taking him on his own....

SS made it clear last week that he is tired of her actions.  He wants me and dh to retaliate, but we explained that remaining calm and not fighting is best.

She is accusing dh of violating the order when he just picked him up, just got custody....and here she is refusing visitations, interfering with phone calls, cursind dh in front of ss......All violations.....

[MixedBag]

because in a lot of your posts you keep mentioning how bad it was for dad and keep pointing out (not saying it outright) that NOW the shoe is on the other foot.

I think you need to tone it down several notches all the way around.

You're probably very justified with alot of your complaints, BUT tone it down.

Don't be as bad as she was...

Show her how it should be done or should have been done all along.

A lot of what your saying is a given because custody was changed as a result of her behavior.

We're here to support what's best for the child -- and if mom goofed it up in the child's case so that primary custody was changed to dad that already says a lot.

[armywife]

Been there, done that.  

Bio mom is coming from a position of control and power that she always had but has now lost.  The time to to be flexible and giving will come later.  Right now she needs to realize that she no longer has the control she once had.  If you give in, the abuse will continue.  Tell her calmly that this is the way the court order has always been interpreted, so things will not change now.  Keep telling her that you will be going by the court order.

I do not see that you are playing games.   You are doing things exactly as you should, and you are feeling as though you need to justify your actions.  You don't.  That's why you have a court order.  Son obviously is tired of what has been going on.  That's all the justification you need.

I'll say it again.  Son needs to have time to adjust and get ready for school.   Don't take that time away from him just because she wants to be in control.  It's not about her.

You have every right to feel the way you do.  Everyone needs to vent.  Remember, "We're going by the court order!"

[dipper]

yes, in my posts I do say how bad dh has had it.  But, in no way am I saying we will return the favor.  She violated the order.....it is not a violation to refuse to allow her to keep up her game of saying when and where everything is to be.  I may have worded it wrong, but that was my intent - to state that while she did all these violations and is now on the very first day of reversal screaming about contempt when nothing has been done wrong.....

We should not have to keep enduring her constant control now.....dh  is not like her and would never stoop to that level....he really does want ss to have a peaceful life.

[dipper]

Thank you - that is exactly what I have been intending to express.  I guess when I have vented - or just pointed how obviously controlling she is - violationg the order and then within two minutes of us having ss she is threatening contempt.....I sounded like we were trying to be vindictive.

We are following the order to the dotted i's.....and dh would let ss spend more time with bm if he wants...he has told ss that.  Even asked him if he wanted bm to pick him up from camp....

however, dh is getting scared of going back to court and is trying to think of some way around it....like giving her what she wants even if its against what ss wants or what we know is right.....

She does not have bills right now as she lives with parents and so it is not hard for her to come up with lawyer money.....

[msme]

I would like to suggest that he sit down & prepare a good response for her attorney, stating the facts of how the order has always been interpreted. Include the fact that he has many years of evidence of her tactics of failing to follow it. Make it clear that he has every intention of following the order to the letter of the law. He will be liberal when certain situations warrant it & expects the same behavior from her.

Should she persue any frivolous charges or suites, he will be left with no choice but to counter sue on every previous act of contempt, for which he has a significant amount of evidence, including but not limited to.....(list a few big ones). He will also petition the court for her to pay all legal fees & court costs.

Have your attorney look it over & make any changes he/she recommends. Then ask him/her to hold it until needed. If she files contempt, have him/her send it to her attorney. Your attorney shouldn't charge much, if anything for that, if you have a strong history with the firm.

Good luck & God bless
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[dipper]

That sounds like a good idea.  I am hoping that once a little time passes, that she will settle down and go with the flow.