18 years and now this...

[huskers]

Hi-

I am new to the site, but have found it to be great.

I am looking for anybody that may be able to help.  Does anybody out there know of a case - or if it is possible- to sue the bm for not telling bf?

Three months ago I was approached by Dept of Social Services to submit to a DNA paternity test.  Mind you I have been married 16 years - known my wife for 17.  After consulting with my attorney - he said to do it.  The results are 99.9% I am the father of a 17- soon to be 18 year old.  I now must pay child support for the next 15 months - we had negotiated no back support or medical - Thank God!

I am so angry!  I feel that she has really done me wrong!   and used the state system to its fullest!  It was a one night thing - which was wrong- however she has denied me the opportunity to have a relationship with my own child.  My wife and I had such a terrible time conceiving our children and we are now blessed.  I know in my heart if bm would have been honest from the beginning we (my wife and I) would have been there!  I am a great guy and a great dad to my 3 year old and 5 month old.  This has really taken a toll on my family too.  My wife is a mess- stressed out - it has affected her ability to nurse our infant.  

This may sound bad -  I just want some justice! and I truly don't want this to happen to anybody else.  BM should be responsible to their childrens father.  Her parents, and siblings knew I was the father and kept it from me.  I was the only one listed for the paternity test.

I could go on, but really looking for information or feedback.
I don't even know what to do with this child.  I know how to be a parent to a 3 year old not a 17 year old.

I look forward to any replies.

[Kitty C.]

I know this sounds VERY harsh, but the world of child custody, paternity, and family court is very harsh.  So you ONLY have to pay support for the next 15 months?  You got off easy!  With just a little pushing, the BM could VERY easily saddled you with back support to the date of birth!  You could be in automatic arrears for THOUSANDS of dollars!

As for what the BM has done in not informing you till now, there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.  This kind of thing happens to fathers ALL the time.  There is no law that I know of that makes what she's done illegal.  I have a feeling that the child was starting to ask about his/her father and the only way she could do that was to file paternity.  There is also the possibility that the child is looking at college and help to finance it, so the BM did this to point the child in another direction for funds.  Who knows what her motives were, but what's done is done.  Get counseling for you and your wife if need be, but accepting it and moving on is the only viable alternative that I can see.........JMO.

[Indigo Mom]

-----I don't even know what to do with this child. I know how to be a parent to a 3 year old not a 17 year old.-----

Have you talked to the child yet?  Are you willing to?  Is she willing to know her father?  I have to say...when I was discharged from the hospital with my son, i couldn't believe no one was coming with me.  I mean...gee...what was I sposed to do with this teeny thing?  I could deal with him being in my tummy for 9 months...but in my arms?  huh? I knew nothing about being a parent to a newborn, but I learned...and so will you.  You'll be just fine, and you know it!

[huskers]

We have talked briefly on the phone - very stressed - really nothing to speak about... I try and initiate conversation and it is answered by yes and no's.  We have talked maybe 3 times.

This sounds harsh, but I don't think I can every be a "parent" to him.  She denied me of a bonding period and frankly I don't know what he has been told all these years.  I want to ask him, but don't what to put him a bad position. If that makes sense.

I think I need to point blank ask him what he wants and then decided - after speaking with my wife- if I (we) can do this.  

Thanks for your reply

[huskers]

Thank you for your reply.  It is very harsh - this world of custody, paternity ect.  It just seems that fathers get the raw end of the deal.  In reality, the decisions I am facing today would have had to be dealt with 18 years ago IF she would have been honest.  Now I have my wife and children to consider and they are my priority.  Things could have been so different, especially for this young man.  He could have had a male figure in his life, a father.  I will never be a father to him - not in the sense that I am to my two small children.

The only reason that this came up is because she is on state aid and she wanted to go back to college and finish her degree.  She told me that she can only be on state aid until he is 19 and that would give her 5 semesters to finish.  When she went in to request additional assitance - they pushed the issue of paternity - since the case worker finally noticed there was none (after all this time)  SO .. she came right out and told me that if she had not gone back to school, I would not even know that I had a 17 year old son.....

That adds fuel to my anger.... I hope you can understand

[reagantrooper]

What this "MOM" did to her son and to you may not be against the law. But one thing is for sure it is/was EVIL and this "mom" is evil. She will get whats coming to her someday!

Although it may not have been ileagal what she did you can still sue her and make her answer to you and your son (not that it will matter to him she is his MOM).

[huskers]

Thanks for your reply.

EVIL is a good word for this.

I found on the website, a WV Supreme Court decision that may work... then I must find an attorney to carry it through.  You know at this point, I don't even really care if I win anything...I just would like her to go through the pain that me and my family are going through.  And to also decide if this is the right thing to do or just my anger.  

The other thing to consider is that she is on state aid, going to school so really she has no money until she graduates in 2005...

If I do this, it may affect any future relationship that I have with him.  At this point I don't really think there will be much of one.

I know I am coming across like a very cold person, which I am not.  I'm sorry.

What a mess...  Thanks again

[kiddosmom]

OK, if I may put in my 2 cents.
Yes you have been wrongened. Guess what, that is why most of us are here. The question is what are you going to do.
1) Take her to court, try to get your revenge (even though it may be deserved) and at the same time teaching all three of your children to always get revenge, and therefor never having a relationship with your child who will resent you for doing that to his mother.
2) Forgive, be thankful you have a special gift of a child, even if he is older, you have a big brother for your younger kids. Talk to your son, let him know you did not know of his existance and that you want to know who he is as a person.
Of course it will be aquard in the beginning. Do not cut yourself off because of bad feelings. The childs mother is not what you have to deal with the rest of the childs life, it is the child.

[sweetnsad]

First off, congratulations on finding out that you are a father, although a bit late, it is still a blessing in disguise...disguise being the key word here because you have yet to learn what will become of it.

Don't punish your son for his mother's misdeeds and thoughtlessness.  The only parent he's ever known was his mother and now, he has a father....he's old enough to understand that you were unaware of his existance.  But now that you do, build on that....start over, if you can.  You might regret it later if you don't.  

Don't go start punishing his mother now...there really isn't anything you can do.  He is, after all, almost an adult, so any decisions to be made FOR him will be made BY him.  Just let him know that you will be there for him now and for always.  

As for the child support issue, we have to pay for the next 20 years, so be grateful you only have five months ahead of you...and know that she only did that for her own selfish reasons.

[StPaulieGirl]

I don't blame you for being angry.  If you want to pursue damages against this woman, you would have to consult with an attormey.  

Why not just attempt to get to know your oldest kid?

I know what the BM and her family did was awful, but look at it this way:  you have a child that was lost and now is found!  Congratulations, and my best to you and your family :-)