Are non custodial mom's welcome here?

[bensmom]

I have a 4 year old and the divorce was final just this week.  I'm a bit over whelmed by the whole thing.  I did not lose custody based on factors that would indicate I'm not a good mom- in fact quite the opposite.  After leaving my home in FL to move to Miss, where my husband is from, when he left me, I was devastated emotionally and financially.  After much soul searching and discussion, I decided to allow my son to stay with his dad for now.

I will now be able to move back home near my parents and pursue a higher education (law school!)  But because my ex is controlling and vinidictive, he will not allow my son to see me except for specific CO visitation.  And my wages are being garnished.  I had no idea (lawyers suck) and I'm broke and embarrassed!  

Could use a little support!

S KEENE-ROBERTS
BEN'S MOM

[Hanau]

I am sorry, keep your head high, most important thing to do, is goto college get that higher education.  You may have lost now, you may be at wits end as well but when everything settles you'll adapt.  Welcome...

[Giggles]

(((bensmom)))  I too am an NCP Mom.  Please...Please...Please never ever believe in a minute that you did the "wrong" thing.  You put your childs needs ahead of your own and that is to be commended!!!  NEVER let any caddy women (and there will be some) shame you into thinking what you did was bad or wrong.  I had some state "I would NEVER give up my child"  to which I would reply "I guess some of us just love our children more to put their needs first"  That usually shuts them up right away!

I'd say you're between a rock and a hard place.  Thankfully, my X is not vindictive and allows me to have my daughter any time I want.  Right now they live in CA and Im in MD so logistically it's hard, but when I can have her (when she doesn't have school) she's here!!

Sadly, if you move you will probably have to pay for all transportation.  I take it you didn't have "moving" situations added to the parenting plan?  What is your CO visitation?

Hang in there...you came to the right set of boards.

[FLMom]

Amen Giggles. Don't ever let society make you feel like you're a bad person because you did the right thing. I'm an NCP mom too, so I know where you're coming from.

Maybe with time and when the sting is gone a little, ex won't be so vindictive and petty. There's a lot of ways to let our kids know we love them, and you'll make your way through this.

Welcome to SPARC!

[babyfat]

I think until somebody has walked in your shoes they shouldn't judge you. I don't think I'd ever hand over one of my kids but I don't know I've never had to. In your position I probably would let my ex have the child while I got stuff together. You made a decision in the best intrest of your child and that is to be commended if more did that we'd have less of an issue with child custody.
I post here and I am the girlfriend of a NCP dad. I mostly do the research for him and try to learn from what others have done. My job for him is to advise and support him. That is all. The poster's here have given me loads of insite.

[olanna]

There is a board for non custodial mom's in the list here. Please feel free to post your concerns there and someone just like, who was a non custodial mom, would be happy to address your concerns.

Welcome to SPARC.

[MixedBag]

Absolutely!!!

It was my pain and anger that brought me here 11 years ago as a non-custodial mom.....and to help my EX#3 understand his feelings as a non-custodial dad.

Over time, I saw that many of the issues are the same because they are non-custodial issues for parents concerning their children.

Recently, things have changed for our son....and he's here and doing great!

Welcome!!!

[bensmom]

>
>Sadly, if you move you will probably have to pay for all
>transportation.  I take it you didn't have "moving" situations
>added to the parenting plan?  What is your CO visitation?
>
.

There is a provision in the parenting plan for when I move.  He has to bring my son half way, where ever I go to and I can see him once a month plus all holiday visitiation that's spelled out.  I definately knew I was moving and made sure that was in there.

I have been in much prayer about my ex's vindicitve nature and I believe He moves for the good of those who love Him.  For the first time in well over a year, Ex talked to me on the phone nicely and reasonably about all this.  Let's see if it continues....


S KEENE-ROBERTS
BEN'S MOM

[Giggles]

There is a special forum for Non-Custodial Mom's.  If you have further issues or just need to vent, we'll listen!!

I strongly urge all parents (CP and NCP alike) to try and work out their differences as best they can.  My X and I went round and round in court until we realized that the amount we spent towards our lawyers could have paid for our Daughter's college education 2 fold..it was a real eye opener!  Now we compromise, listen and put our Daughter's needs first!!!  For instance, this past christmas.  It was my X's turn to have her for Christmas but I was planning on a trip to Disney with my other children (after we divorced) and asked if we could switch so I could take her (it was an impromptu trip that didn't get planned until the summer).  He said sure if I can have her for Spring Break?  I said DEAL!!  Normally, I would have her for Spring Break.

Your son is very young and the better you communicate now, the better your son is going to thrive!!  My X and I have been divorced since my daughter was 2...she is now 15.  She's doing great and the best part is that SHE knows she has the love and support of BOTH her parents!!!

[wendl]

I am a custodial mom but also a stepmom my husband is a non custodial dad.

Don't be embarrased, you did what you thought was right for your son and I applaud you for seeing that, many woman do not.

Unfortunately with child support, I know a lot of men feel the same way you do and they are broke to, and some goes for visitation.

Go to school and get your education. Educate yourself in these matters as well.

You can always ask the courts for more visitation.

This is a great site for woman and me, custodial or non custodial, what is important are the kids and sometimes we loose site of that with our frustrations and anger.

Keep your head up.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[bensmom]

>
>Unfortunately with child support, I know a lot of men feel the
>same way you do and they are broke to, and some goes for
>visitation.
>


My ex makes over 75K a year; I make a third of that.  He's not broke, not when through our entire marriage I was not allowed on his accounts and had no access to the marital funds.  But again to fight that would have meant excessive legal fees.

Oh well, it's all water under the bridge now.

[wendl]

I think you missed the point.  My hubby does not make anywhere near 75K and a lot of other non custodial parents don't either. Hell my husband and I have NO joint accounts and we have been together for almost 8yrs.  It's not that either one of us would abuse the funds it is to protect both of us from other things.

I could ramble about that but I am not sure if my hubbies ex still visits this site.

The point I was trying to make is your not alone here.
Many noncustodial parents (moms or dads) are in the same boat.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[bensmom]

Thanks for responding.  It is good to know there are other people out there- I have felt very overwhelmed by this.  Everyone seems to think that moms should have their kids (not that I disagree) and I feel very judged.  :+

[wendl]

I don't feel that way, I feel the person who is most capable at the time should have the kids.

My son wanted to live with his dad when he turned 14 I told him he could (yes I went to the lake and cried) but at a certain point in a childs life they really need the other parent more, as boys grow older then need dad (even though they will always be mamma's boys)

My youngest stepson wants to live with us, he is at a point in his life where he needs his dad, but mother is being selfish and will not let him.

If more people (moms in general and I am saying this as a mom) would stop feeling that they cannot let the child live with the other parent or they may look like a bad parent and realise who gives a crap but others think, it is what is best for the child.

Feel free to vent and get your frustrations out, this site has a wealth of information.

We are not pro mom or pro dad, we are for the Kids and that who is important.

Good luck hun.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**