Some suggestions please!

[Kami]

I'm trying to arrange the next visitation dates with BM (we ONLY communicate thru email), and as usual she says the kids don't want to come, so she hasn't approved the dates yet.  Time is short and I need to book flights.  

There is a visitation stipulation in place, and the kids DO NOT get to choose whether or not to come...they're still in grade school.  They always have a great time when they visit me.  We do lots of fun activities, and they get tons of love and attention.   They are sometimes sad to go home to BM.  

I know that this is just BM trying to make me miserable.  BM is bipolar (refuses medication) and a narcissist, so I have to be very diplomatic in dealing with her, or all H*ll breaks loose.  

How do I remind her that legally, visitation is not the KIDS' CHOICE, without incurring her wrath???

Any suggestions???

[janM]

If you look in the articles section on this site, you should find a "intent to exercise visitation" letter that you can send, maybe modify it to "remind" her that she has to follow the court order or you'll have to take legal action. Maybe quote the part of the court order that relates to parenting times.

I feel for you, having to walk on eggshells.

[Kami]

Thanks for the input.  BM knows the visitation that is spelled out in the stip all too well.  We've been doing this "dance" for several years now.  I've noticed that whenever the kids have a really good time with me, or when we do something they love, like going to the zoo, BM starts being difficult about  approving the next visitation dates.  She hates to hear (from the kids) that they enjoyed themselves with me.

She knows that legally she has to allow this next visit, she's just trying to make me miserable by saying the kids don't want to come.  She said one child cried for half an hour after she learned that I was trying to schedule the visit!  Total BS!!

And unfortunately she knows I don't want to take legal action.  I'm still paying off past court costs.

I do appreciate your suggestions and your sympathy!  Thanks!

Kami

[Fran]

Sounds like my X...

Here's what works for me.  Give X three different times and dates and let X pick which works best.  Of course X will probably say all three dates don't work but it will at least get things moving in the right direction (maybe).

Does X have a lawyer?  What also worked great for me is representing myself and bugging X's lawyer daily with phone calls and emails.  X call to her lawyer cost her money and got her lawyer so irritated with her that he ended up taking my side.

Good luck,

Fran

[Kami]

Thanks!  LOL!! about you bugging her lawyer!

Neither one of us has had a lawyer involved for several years.  I'm still paying off past legal costs.  Her lawyer was pro bono and tried to get $$$$ out of me to cover his fees. HA!

I did give her two sets of dates to choose from (a third set isn't possible because of kids' school schedule), and asked her which she preferred.  That's when she said the kids didn't want to come.

I'm trying to think of a diplomatic but firm way to tell her that she has to agree to one of the sets of dates...and that the kids have to come...legally, they don't get to decide not to visit.

Kami

[cinb85]

nm

[Giggles]

that the kids were still in grade school so probably under 11 years old.  Since this poster only communicates via e-mail then perhaps he/she should try to "set up" the BM by sending an e-mail to the BM stating that "a date needs to be established by such and such date, if I do not receive a date from you then I will pick the date, book the flights and notify you when they are scheduled for the visit.  If you refuse to make the children available for their scheduled flight, then legal action could be forthcoming."

[Kami]

Yes the kids are under the age of  11.

That's a good suggestion!  I really can't threaten legal action because she goes ballistic!  Makes false accusations, intensifies her PAS, denies visitation based on some lie, demands supervised visitation, etc!  But I can probably "set her up" as you suggested and quote the stipulation regarding visitation.

Thanks!!

Kami

[Giggles]

Ask her if the kids have a choice as to whether or not they WANT to attend school?   Why is visiting you any different?  

The main thing you want is documentation of the denial of visitation.  I'm sorry you have to deal with PAS...sigh, there is nothing more destructive on children and I wish more courts would do something about it!!

I'm not saying to threaten her, perhaps just mention that you may have no other alternative than to seek legal counsel for enforcement of your visitation rights according to the court order.

[Kami]

I do document.  And yes the PAS is so harmful to the kids that it should be a crime.  It breaks my heart.

Thanks for all your support!

Kami

[wendl]

Well if she is difficult stick to the court order.

Attached the court order to the email and say:

per section xx of the visitation order I will be be making travel arrangement for the kids on xx date thru xx date.  I will email you the airline confirmation at least x days before the flight.

Thank you

Don't say anything about the kids not wanting to come, keep it straight to the point,  If she says they don't want to simply state, I am sorry they feel that way, unfortunately it is the responsibility for both parents to facilitate the court order so the chidren can see each parent, they may be sad at first but they usually come around and will be fine.

If she doesn't put them on the plane, filed contempt and request she pay the court fees and airline tickets.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Kami]

These are some really good suggestions.  Thanks!

Kami

[Giggles]

The OP has to remove all emotion (I understand it's damn difficult to do) and just stick to the court order where PAS is concerned.  Let the BM scream, throw fits, etc...

Sadly, PAS takes it's toll on the kids...however, I know of a few people who's children were highly PAS'd for years.  Many of those children no longer have relationships with the PAS'ser and are developing new relationships with the "outcast" parent.

Continue to take the high road and put the children first...hopefully a judge will see through her antics!!

[Kami]

Thanks again!

Kami

[Fran]

Here's a site I found on PAS... you might find these articles interesting, especially in light of your situation.

http://www.parentalalienation.com/articles/index.html

[Kami]

Thanks for the website address.  I bookmarked it and will read the articles as soon as I get a chance.  The kids are definitely being alienated!!

Kami