Dilemma

[stepmom23]

DH's 2 boys (13 & 14) live in FL with BM (we're in GA).

Boys are here for summer. Oldest mentioned that their neighborhood was "criminal-like" but BM told them they couldn't afford to move. Went on line to research.

They live in a trailer park in Boca Raton (yes, believe it or not they exist). There was a major drug bust in September. 17 people arrested including one person who was knowingly renting trailers in the park to several drug dealers. Also in this newspaper was mentioned that "the very next day, the drug dealers and prostitutes were back on the streets," and that "..this was only the second shift drug dealers, first shift was still to come." This is not a new issue apparently; criminal activity in this park has been spiralling out of control since late 1990's.

I've found community action reports as well that list the park's criminal activity as a major concern for the county. The earliest I can find online is 2002.

Continued to research and found 18 sex offenders (most child molestation, some internet solicitation of a minor, and some rape) living within 2 miles of them. 9 within 1 mile. 4 within 1/4 mile (these would be in the same park, one lives .10 of a mile away).

BM moved to this park in 2001, rented for 4 years and then bought a trailer in this park in 2005. In 2003 the police set up a sub-station in the park (if that doesn't send a message what does).  No matter what BM tells the boys, she has the money to move. The problem is that she bought the trailer with the lot and has to sell them together in order to move. Plus, she filed bankruptcy last June due to a debt she refused to pay from the divorce from DH in 2000, so probably wouldn't qualify for another mortgage right now.

What do we do? The boys are not in a safe environment, regardless of whether BM can move or not. Does DH approach BM about safety issues? She will most likely deny there are any safety issues (sorta like when she refused to leave the trailer during the hurricanes). Then what?

[dsm]

Does BM take care of the kids?  Do they have electric, heat (even in FL I would assume heat is needed at some point), food, clothes?  Do they spend regular time with your DH?  Are they enrolled in school and going on a regular basis?

If so, then she is doing the best she can.  Sure, you (meaning your DH, not you as stepmom) could talk to her and voice your concerns.  But that doesn't mean that she is obligated to move.  

It's hard to know that things are difficult and even dangerous, but when they are with their mom some things really are out of your control.  The kids should be talked to for safety measures to take, safe houses, phone numbers, etc.  

To remove them from BM, you'll need to have more tangible evidence of neglect and her being unfit than what you've got here.

Good luck!

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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

[stepmom23]

Doing the best she can my donkey butt!! Each boy has consistently missed anywhere from 18-24 days of school each of the past 3 years for no apparent reason. "We don't know" is the answer DH gets. The oldest sleeps in the same room with his baby sister (9 months old) so that when she cries, he can wake up and take her into his Mom's room for feeding, diapering - even on school nights.

She takes them to the doctor anytime they have the slightest ache or pain. She medicates the 13 yo with ADD medication because he "talks back to her" - words of both boys, but she won't send it with him when he's here with us during the summer (or any of the other holidays that they are here). So how important  can it be?! Every 3 months we get a stack of doctor bills averaging $180 (our 1/2 share) in co-pays....and these are healthy boys. Most every year we get a bill for half of deductible on a MRI for at least one boy, usually both (haven't seen an MRI bill yet this year), usually stemming from visits where she didn't get the diagnosis she wanted.  Just 2 days ago the youngest (13) got a splinter in his finger. We removed the splinter, disinfected and cleaned the wound. The finger is fine but she's now threatening court because we didn't take him to the ER. Sorry, but she's a whacko!! She may not fit the court's definition of an unfit mother, but she's a whacko for sure.

She refuses to "talk" to DH.  Anytime DH says anything against something she's done or is doing something that he doesn't agree with, she goes to her attorney and says "DH is threatening me". Her attorney says email then. She doesn't respond to DH's emails or only answers the parts of the emails she wants to.

The boys are allowed no more time than is indicated in the DD, even if THEY ask for more time (which they do every summer). Not even one day more.  She threatens to withhold visitation if the flight schedules that DH approaches her with are not to HER liking (flight schedule is the only part of the DD that DH has control over -- or so he thought).

Now back to the neighborhood issue....
So if (God forbid) the boys are severely injured or killed during a drug war cross-fire, then it's too late to do something about it!  How is this possibly considered to be "in the best interests of the children?"

She rented for 4 years before she decided to buy in this trailer park. She cannot say she didn't know about the criminal element, 'cause she lived with one of the elements when she rented. We didn't know what he was about until she left him for the loser she's married to (who happened to be her ex-boyfriend's drinking buddy). The ex bashed in her windshield with the boys in the car, he beat her in front of the boys, he burned oldest's feet with cigarettes (she explained this to DH as mosquito bites when he confronted her about it).

Then yesterday found out through a cop friend of ours, that the guy in the trailer directly across the street from hers murdered a lady 3 trailers down. She ran a well-known prescription drug house in the park and he was a dealer.  This happened on June 23rd.

Unfortunately, I'm sure none of this is considered detrimental to the children's welfare by the courts. But who will be there to reverse the effects of her poor choices, as it sure won't be the Family court system.

[Kitty C.]

........calling CPS/DHS or asking for a welfare check from local law enforcement?  I find it hard to believe that she hasn't been reported for abuse yet.  Cigarette burns is an immediate red flag and for her to try to pass it off as mosquito bites (you KNOW why she didn't take the child to the ER for that!) is just as bad as her actually doing it.

I know that the kids are out of school right now, but let them know that they can go to anyone in authority, especially their teachers, to let them know what's going on.  Anyone who works with children must be a mandatory reporter and, given your situation, the only way you might be able to get this reported is by an objective 3rd party.  That way, no one can point fingers at you or the father.

BTW, if you've never heard of a welfare check, it's done by law enforcement and if you EVER feel that the boys are in danger while they are physically with their mom (ie. they call and tell you something is going on and they are or sound afraid), you can call the cops and ask for a welfare check.  You must have an address of where they are.  The cops will go out and check on them.  If they feel that the situation is too dangerous for the boys, they WILL remove them...but it has to be 'imminent' danger.  And if you don't want the cops telling her you were the ones who called, they won't.  If you ever get any flak about requesting a welfare check, ask to speak to a supervisor.

But above all, you need an objective 3rd party to either witness and/or report what's going on.  Too many times, the powers that be think that if a parent reports abuse on another parent, it's purely out of vindictiveness.  All of us here KNOW that's not always the case!

[Giggles]

Unless you have documented PROOF that all these things happened to the boys, you really have no case.  I'm sure you could probably get their school records to verify the absent days but you would need concreat proof on the other issues and even then it's a crap shoot.

About the only thing you might be able to do is to petition for custody, using the high absentee rate, and then ask for a GAL and a Mental evaluation.  Again, it's a crap shoot and VERY costly!!!

Where she chooses to live isn't anything a court would be interested....UNLESS there is a Sex offender living WITH them....hard to prove though!

[stepmom23]

Her own parents called DCFS (not sure what's it called in FL) while she was living with the abuser, but again, we didn't know until after she had left the situation. They called because of drugs in the house - or so they suspected. DCFS called and made an appointment for 2 weeks out, instead of dropping by unannounced. Of course they had plenty of time to clean up their acts.

According to DH's father, who has been in the trailer to pick boys up when he's in Florida, all is serene on the surface. Clean, almost too clean in his words. And both BM and her husband bend over backwards to be nice to him. He has always said it feels creepy when he's there.
 
The problem we have it that what happens is kept in that house. The boys stick together and if one slips and starts to say something, the other shushes him really quickly. We get no straight answers from them, nor from her.

We attempted the teacher/counselor route a couple of years ago. The counselor talked to oldest boy, who told BM that dad had called the counselor, who in turn called DH fuming. Nothing came of it. I think this was after the burn issue.

BTW - the burns were on the child's feet, so that when he had on socks they couldn't be seen.

[Kitty C.]

These boys need to be in therapy.  They are being coerced.  I find it hard to believe that no teacher or counselor, or anyone else in authority, has not realized that there is abuse going on.

The thing with the cigarette burns is that the scars never go away.  And if you've been trained properly in mandatory reporting, you know what they look like.  But what really scares me is how the boys stick together.  Have you ever been able to sit down with both of them and tell them that being abused is NOT the norm and they have a right to live without that threat?  That to NOT say anything only allows the abuse to continue?  If you and your husband can't do it, it needs to come from somewhere, either a therapist or a teacher/counselor.  I'm sure that the BM would pitch a fit if you made an appt. for them...but I don't know if there's anyway you could do it without her knowing......;-)

[dsm]

It is, however, what will be spun by court that she is taking care of them the "best she can".

My advice?

Get tangible documentation together showing the detriment to the children.

Does your DH want to have them full time?  Are you prepared for that?

Meds for ADD....talk to the doctor and the psychiatrist who diagnosed the child.  What does the professional have to say about it?  When is the re-check?  Go to the appointment.  Get a copy of the diagnosis report and the proposed treatment plan.

Missing days from school.....get involved with the school and talk to the teacher(s) on a regular (several times a week) basis.  Let them know that you care and are concerned.  Make it easy for them to contact you.

Neighborhood stuff......again, this is a bit out of your control.  You cannot make the drug dealers and thugs live a different life.  It is not BM's fault that some low-life knocked off another low-life drug dealer.  You can, however, instruct and teach the kids how to react and how to take care of themselves.  And you can encourage BM to move to a better area.

Getting up at night with a baby.......do you have kids of your own?  That pretty much comes with the territory.  My kids had to deal with the baby when he was colicky and even though I tried my hardest to not have them be affected, it happens.  It's a pain to deal with, yes, but it is a part of having a baby.  If they have to share a bedroom, that will be able to be defended fairly easily.....and even them being opposite sexes at this stage will be too.

Time with dad.....your DH can petition for more time.  You need to document, document, document each and every time that your DH requests the time and is denied.  Does the divorce decree address extra time?  If not, that is a point to address in a petition for more time.

True statement  you make that the family court system will not be there to reverse effects of poor choices......not in its current state.



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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

[stepmom23]

The bottom line is as you state. The court will say that she is doing the best she can. Which is BS.

I won't address your comments individually because DH has attempted to address most of them himself with BM and with the courts during his last modification in 2006. The mediator says that BM can say yes I'll agree or no I won't. If she says no, then he has to weigh the cost of court with the results he'll get in return. Is it worth it? The answer is usually no. BM admitted to a lot of things in front of the mediator, but in the end she said, No. That was that. Both her attorney and DH's attorney walked away saying what a B**** she was. Was does that say?

The neighborhood issue however is a new issue. You can talk to safety to the boys all day long, but that won't prevent them getting shot while waiting for the school bus or simply walking to their car.

[dsm]

You are right.  It ultimately comes down to what is it worth?

Neighborhood......

The kids who grow up in the type of neighborhood that you describe live day in and day out with wondering if it's safe when they go outside their front door.  Even sitting in their living room or lying in bed to go to sleep at night.  It is a sad thing, and not something I would want to be raising my kids in.  My DH's family live like that; he grew up like that; and we just lost our nephew to a shooting last summer....so yeah, I know what it does and can do.

But....

They do have an outlet with you.  And they have opportunity to see a different way of life when they are with you.

So you are left to do the best with what you have.  Pray for an angel to keep watch over them.  And keep tabs on them the best you can.

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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

[MixedBag]

did you get my PM?

[dsm]

Good to see you!

Hope all is well!!


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dsm - 37; DH - 41; SD - 18; LO - 12; BB - 5
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It's time for me to do for me and mine.  The others can worry about themselves for awhile.

[Ref]

but I only have a couple minutes of my lunch hour left and didn't get a chance to read all the other reponses.

My SD has lived in the same environment and your SSs. SWAT teams breaking down the doors in the apartment next door. So many sex offenders in her neighborhood that it looks like a pervert block party....

She lives in Pensacola, Fl, and we have been battling for over 14 years with his ex. I think I know almost as much as DH's lawyer about Florida Family Law (although I LOVE Dh's lawyer).

We thought the same way. Why should children be forced to live with BM when she choses to live in such a dangerous environment. The way DH's attorney put it, if they wouldn't take a child away from a still-married couple who live that way, the judge is unlikely to take the child away (change custody) in a divorce situation. It is terrible for our situation and yours, but I guess I can see the reasoning.

I don't think there is much you can do about the living conditions (location). There may be something you can do with the school. Get your hands on the school manual or talk to the guidance counselor at the school about truancy. If your SSs are truant, they will hold the parent responsible and there will be record of the mom being warned not to let it happen. Now, technically you (DH) could also be blamed for it, but anyone that looks at the case will know that you can't have any control over the scenerio.

Document anythign you can. Take pictures of your kid's feet with the burns. Take the kids to a dr so they can put it in their records. If they think there is abuse, they will have to report the parents (you as well) to the authorities.

Anyway, I have to go but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone as sad as that is.

Take care,
Ref

[MixedBag]

sent a PM with my opinion a few days ago.

Everything is going really fine....

And just got written confirmation of something I suspected years ago without even digging or asking for it.

Kinda strange how life happens.

How's school???  done yet?