Mother wants to give up costody - what to do?

[oaken_shield]

THe situation is we divorced 10 years ago - 2 girls now 12 and 14.  12 y-o is skipping school now and mother is worried that she "will get in trouble with the law".  She wants me to take her and try to straighten her out.

The problem is I have a 6 year old son by another marriage and I worry how this might effect him.

Additionally, she just called and told me that if I don't take her, she is shipping her off to her sisters and I am afraid she will be treated the same way there as by her mother.

She has never been disciplined or made to be accoutable for her actions by her mother.  Her mother has always left it up to her to do as she pleases and now she is paying the price for it.

Any opinion I can get would be appreciated.

Steve

[Indigo Mom]

Or her mind, maybe.

Mom is throwing her away.  Dad doesn't want her because it cause problems with his new family.

How do you think this child will feel?

I personally think you SHOULD take her.  It's obvious she needs attention and isn't getting it with her mother, and that's probably why she's acting out.  Negative attention is better than none.

-----She has never been disciplined or made to be accoutable for her actions by her mother. Her mother has always left it up to her to do as she pleases and now she is paying the price for it.-----

Your love, guidance, and being firm with her can change all that's happening.  That's what this child is SCREAMING for...some love.  She's your little girl, take her.  Don't let mom send her to aunties.

[oaken_shield]

Another problem is that her mom talked to her about it last night and she refuses to come live with me (although it is not up to her) - she says she will run away although I have my doubts.

I want to take her, but am afraid she will have a negative effect on my son.  Her mother has had 10 years out of 12 to screw up her life - I am curious if I can really make a difference?

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and would do anything for her, but part of me wants her mother to take responsibility.  I also hate to split up the girls but her mother refuses to allow both to live with me.

At this point, I am leaning toward taking custody of her because it is apparent to me that her mother will pawn her off to anyone else (like the aunt) who will take her so that her life will be more convenient.

I'm partly mad at her mother, partly mad at myself and frustrated in what is best for everyone.

Thanks again for the suggestions and comments.  I will take them to heart.

[Kitty C.]

As much as you'd LIKE the mother to take responsibility, it ain't gonna happen, cuz you CANNOT make her do anything.  The ONLY thing/person you can control is YOURSELF.

She says she doesn't want to come live with you?  It's because she KNOWS she ain't gonna get her way with you like she does with her mom.  I agree with Indy, she's SCREAMING for attention and boundaries, neither of which she is getting right now.

Take her and your other daughter.  If you're SO concerned as to how this will affect your son, then start counseling (family and individual for the girls) right away.  It will be a hard transition for them to make and you ALL will need all the help you can get.

But think LONG and HARD of the alternatives.  Juvenile delinquency (which one is already exhibitting), teen pregnancy, possible criminal behavior, addictions, premature death.......need I say more???  What kind of adults will they grow up to be, if you refuse to take responsibility now?  Yes, those girls have TWO parents, but just because one refuses to accept responsibility doesn't allow you to do the same. Do the RIGHT thing, man.  Get those girls..........NOW.

[oaken_shield]

In case I didn't mention it above, the mother refuses to let them both live with me.  So it would just be the youngest daughter (12).  

Of course you are right that I have a responsibility, but I have more of a responsibility to protect my son don't you think?  If it was not for the feelings that I am putting my son in jeopardy, I would have no hesitations.

At this point, it seems I will have to take her and try my best to straighten things out.   Strange how I have been foghting for custody on and off until she was 10 and now that I have the opportunity, I have reservations.  It going ot be hard to undo 10+ years of her mothers negative influence.

Thanks again for the input.  It is appreciated.

[Kitty C.]

You have EQUAL responsibility to ALL your children.  By holding one in higher esteem over another, you are putting conditions on your love for your daughter.  Basically, you are telling her (by not wanting to take her or accepting her because there's no other way around it) that you will not love her unless she's 'good'.  Whatever happened to giving her all the help and love and discipline she needs right now, huh?

I can't believe I'm hearing this.  You've been fighting for custody for 10 years but now it sounds like you don't want her because you're 'afraid' of what influence it 'might' have on your son?  He's SIX years old, man!  Kids are MUCH more resilient than we adults give them credit for.  Yes, she's screwed up, by 10 years of her mother's influence.  Which is why counseling should be considered MANDATORY in your case.

Let me tell you one thing.  If your heart isn't in this the WHOLE way, trust me, your daughter will sense it.  Get your own head on straight first, before you even try to help your daughter.  She WILL know, because there WILL be a difference in how you treat her compared to your son.  If you don't love them equally, they WILL know and they WILL resent you for it.  IMO, it's just as bad as what the mother is doing to her.

People here who know me also know I am VERY blunt and to the point, sometimes to a fault.  And I apologize if I offended you in anyway, but this child is crying out in the ONLY way she knows how.  I feel so VERY sorry for her.  Because it sounds like NEITHER parent loves her enough to do what's right for her.  Just remember one thing:  You still gotta be able to look in the mirror, regardless of what decision you make and how you decide to implement it.  And one last parting question:  What do you want her coming back to tell you in 20 years, if she comes back at all?

[Indigo Mom]

You have 2 kids, not just one.  It's your job to take care of both kids.  Just because your oldest has lived with her mother for 10 years doesn't make you any less responsible for her "fixing".  You HAVE to help her...gawd knows her mom ain't doing it.  Right now, you're all she's got.

When she comes to live with you (and this is a direct order from me) it WILL be negative for a while.  There's probably going to be tons of crap dished out by her to you and the rest of your family, but that's normal.  Look what she's been through!  You can't expect her to come to your house and be all peachy keen and shit...ya know?

A whole lot of love, understanding, and kindness will go a LONG way with a child who's never had any type of discipline or tenderness in her life.

-----I'm partly mad at her mother, partly mad at myself and frustrated in what is best for everyone.-----

Get rid of the anger.  Forget about what that mother did, forget about what you've done.  Focus on that little girl.  Anger gets you nowhere.  Love gets you everywhere.

I know you're concerned, but if ya do it right (and I know you can) things will work out.  

[Indigo Mom]

-----Strange how I have been foghting for custody on and off until she was 10 and now that I have the opportunity, I have reservations-----

I fought for 6 years for my boy.  When I finally got him back...it was like, "oh...ok...now what am I sposed to do with you?"  Sorry, had to make ya laugh.

It is strange, isn't it?  We fight and fight and never give up, but then we're clueless as to what we're supposed to do when we do finally get 'em!

-----It going ot be hard to undo 10+ years of her mothers negative influence.-----

Never underestimate the power and love of a daddy!

[tulip]

How do you think it's going to affect your son to show him that he is more important to you than his sisters? What kind of a person do you want him to grow up to be?

If you have been fighting for your kids for ten years, then why are you so willing to sit there now and say, well she won't let the other daughter live with me, so that's the way it's going to be? Why don't you try asking a judge if he/she is going to keep custody of one sister with the mother who is willing to throw the other sister out like the trash? That says a lot about her as a parent.

[oaken_shield]

I fully understand what you are trying to say, but I do love all my children equally - I never once said that I loved my son more than my daughters.  I did say that I do have more of a responsibility to my in-tact family than I do to my estranged daughters.  It is simply a fact, not meaning to degrade the love I have for all my kids.  My son has a great chance to grow up well adjusted.  I worry about her influence on him is all - if anyone in my shoes didn't then I would begin to wonder.

Yes I love them all equally, and my heart aches for my daughter.  It has since her mother started letting her have free run and the changes I saw in her.  I still have hope and will do my best to help her.  I simply worry that if I do fail, it would effect what might have been a wonderfully adjusted little boy.

This is not an easy decision to make, believe me.  I assume those who act as though it is have been in the same situation as I am in now.

I have to work to undo 10 years of bad parenting.  Not an easy task nor is it guaranteed.  I want to help my daughter, but don't want to screw up my son's life - it should not be hard to understand my quandry.  Like I said above - if it was just me, then I would not hesitate.  Could you so easily allow someone into your home who may have a negative impact on your child as you seem to be suggesting to me?

So please don't think this is easy - it's not an easy decision to make.  My heart says to take her in and help her as best I can, but my head says "be careful".

I appreciate the advice.  I will consider it all before I make my decision, but do consider my situation before getting bent out of shape.