Son wants to stay with dad after argument....

[Kitty C.]

We actually did have a fanny paddle and I got my backside warmed on 'more than one occasion'.  Of course I thought it wasn't fair then, but I DEFINITELY know now that I certainly deserved it then.

My father was raised in an abusive family and, since this was back in the early 50's, relied on my mother and maternal grandparents so that  he could break that cycle.  I never knew this until just recently from my mom.  I have never known ANY man more fair or honorable and he will always be my hero.  For only having an 8th grade education, he will always be the wisest, kindest man I will ever know.

Those spankings did NOT instill fear or contempt in me, it instilled repect.  It is TOO easy these days to cross that line, I've seen it way too often.  What it takes is a MAJOR amount of self-control on the part of the parent, along with common sense and a level head.  The best rule of thumb is to NEVER discipline in anger.  It's a guarantee that it will be abusive.  When you take emotion out of the equation, it takes on a whole other meaning........

[nosonew]

I am sooo sorry you are in this position. But, here is my two cents:

I honestly can say that at this age (15) he is sooo unlikely to change until he is like 21 or 22 or older.  UNLESS he gets a reality check, which may just happen if he lives with dad.  I remember alot about your situation from the other boards, and I know IFFFF your ex had WANTEd to exercise visitation, you would have gladly let him, however, that wasn't the case.  You have the situation (this is for those that don't know your hx) where your ex didn't want to see the kids, yet your dh wanted to see his kids and they were with-held.  Right?  And you are a HUGE supporter of Fathers Rights to Custody as well, correct?  You didn't even mention your volunteer sideline job of helping ncp get custody and/or see their children on a regular basis.  

So, that being said:

1.  Although hubby did something he shouldn't have done (in some views), I feel it was appropriate for the situation.  
2.  Let the son know that if he chooses to stay with dad, you will be fine with it, but he is to a) live there one full calendar year b) stay in school and keep grades C or better, c) come see you _____ often.  
3.  When he doesn't have the control over this situation, and sees you saying "fine, live with dad" his tune may change tremendously.  Give him a date to make a final decision, and DON'T beg or cry.
4.  I bet you 5 bucks that within 4 months he will be BEGGING to come back, if not before.
5.  If that happens, make up a set of rules, including "RESPECT" for Sdad, and have him sign it, with date.  Then let him come back home but tell him if he EVER does it again, you will adhere to the one year rule!
6.  Rest, relax and enjoy the peace!

And thank you for all of your past help for me Rini!

[StPaulieGirl]

Hey, back in the day you did not argue with an adult.  In fact, if you were into mischief, the neighbors would yell at you.  Things were different back in the day.

Abuse is not correcting an unruly 15 yr old by smacking him across the face.  Abuse is when you correct your 2 yr old for having an "accident" by smacking them across the face.

Wooden spoons, belts, yard sticks, hairbrushes.  My poor mom was so old when I came around, that she just couldn't handle a normally active child.  When I became a teenager, I turned into the devil.  My father backhanded me one day.  I asked for it big time.  He only hit me twice in my life.  Deserved it both times.

I put up with a lot of crap that my parents and grandparents wouldn't have tolerated.  However, there is a belt for those special occasions when my little angels want to test my final limits.

IG, you and I usually get along pretty well.  I'm looking at Rini's situation from a different perspective than you.  Having a problem child can destroy the whole family, not to mention your health.   I ended up in an abusive situation the same way my father did....we're co-dependent.  I don't know if my dad was abused while he was growing up.  I suffered more from psychological rather than physical abuse as a child.

[kiddosmom]

Rini, I feel bad for your situation and wish you a speedy recovery :)

One thing to those posting that DH did the right thing,,, spanking is one thing--- hitting a child in the face is another...

[kiddosmom]

one thing you are saying here St P,, it was your dad,, was it your stepdad who has no right to touch you and can in fact go to jail?

[Davy]

.

[StPaulieGirl]

My parents stayed married. I never had step parents, and both my parents are deceased.  I personally feel that if a teenager wants to be beligerent, threatening, disrespectful, then a step parent who lives with the child on a daily basis has the right to discipline the teenager, not to mention defend him/herself.  Teenagers can be tried as adults these days. Lets whoop their asses before it comes to that.

[StPaulieGirl]

Bah!

[rini]

hi

but unfortunately im tired stressed and recovering from major surgery that none of these idiots is ever going to let me recover from not to mention not having slept for almost 2 weeks due to the pain and stress and loosing my child that i have raised basically on my own for almost 9 years with only financial support from the dad.

and to be honest just about at my last straw with putting up with my ex husband my current husband and my son.  so oooooooooooppppppppps i made a freaking big mistake there next time i beg for help with something  i will make sure i check my post so i dont get flamed for a minute i thought i was on another board.  (where they treat people like that all the time)  

so what if i did have sole and let the guy see the kid at my whim it still would behoove you not to answer if all you have to say is BS any way.

if you had read the post a little further down it offers a little more to the explanation to the visitation saying that i cant even get him to come and excercise the visitation he has..//  BUT I GUESS YOU MISSED THAT  all bio moms are bad bad bad.................

i asked for support you offered nothing but  well i guess i ll just leave it at that.  

first of all let me say that i realize that you have no idea about my situation like most of the others on this board

i have been here for 3 years and you are fairly new to it

i came here to get help for my current husband to see his 2 kids but i have always been more than fair with my own ex husband even to the point where it is ridiculous.

by whim i mean

dad contacts me the day before and if the kids dont have plans or activities they go to see him.  

he has no set visitation never has due to his job that he works 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

i have allowed this situation to continue only because if i had eo weekend and weekday visits he would cancel every week instead of just canceling 2 out of the 4 days he picks a month.

the kids have never been a priority for him NEVER not when they were little not now not ever.  and i have spent almost 9 years trying to reinforce that daddy still cares even when he cancels his visits when only required to call a day or a few days before more consistently than he actually shows up.

i have even offered to allow him time to find a new job that is more flexible and lower child support to reflect the fact that he has chosen to work a job and see his kids.  he has refused every time i have offered.
He is a hotel manager and enjoys the freedom it ensures him his current gf never knows if he is working or where he is and that is the way he likes it.  


Dad is never there for the kids and never has been he picks them up and takes them to a movie every other week that is all he ever has time for.  I have been responsible for all of the care EVERYTHING for almost 9 years.  I was asked by his gf for help because  my children were being rude to her about 6 years ago and i read them the riot act they have never treated her or HIM for that matter with any disrespect

but then again daddy  only takes them for a fun time occaisionally and has none of the responsibility that goes along with it.



i have never raised the child support not once in almost 9 years.  i dont ask for anything extra not medical not day care when they were younger and i have done everything humanly possible to ensure a fair relationship even though daddy left me for his current gf. and refused any type of counseling or any attempt to save the family.

by the way our support is based on the pa guidelines and i have never increased it even when the guideline amount went up ..  in other words dad does not realize it yet but an adjustment from 3 kids to 2 kids will probably raise his support payments..

My 15 yr old will stay in a filthy house and his dad will still never be there for him not to mention having to transfer to the worst school district in the state.


usually when people ask for help they want help not a response with bitterness and nasty comments but im guessing you were in a bad mood.

not all of us are pbfh as bio moms.........

i am just not willing to jump through any more hoops for my x and if the custody arrrangement gets changed it will all be changed and i guess he will just have to live with seeing the other 2 kids when he can arrange his schedule around the court order like normal nc fathers do.

rini

[rini]

I posted to you below also

but i guess i was just so totally blown away by your total lack of common decency.........

the only inconsistency in my household is the dad that only shows up when he feels like it.  Other kids are all fine and happy here.  


But of course because i put on my custodial mother hat today instead of the ncp step mom hat I would have to be totally at fault.

You did not have to read between the lines on my initial post you had to just actually read all of it........   I guess you missed the part about us contacting the dad for months and begging for help with the 15 yr old also.

If you reread my initial post you will also notice that it has never been modified and all of the information that you chose to ignore because of a simple typo was already there and that you just chose to act like a total %$#@$!  because i posted as a mom.

I assumed wrongly that for the most part people only got flamed here when they made statements that deliberately asked to be flamed.


my 15 yr old hates his step father and the other kids are doing fine so me thinks some of the problems might have to do with the kid having misplaced anger problems toward the wrong people.

i am home all the time and MY God I leave to go to the freaking hospital and all of a sudden i am disrespectful and oh what else did you call me????? irresponsible.......  because my teenage son beats up his little sister and my husband smacks him after yelling at the kids for almost 4 hours to do something....and then the kid gets confrontationaL  ...... get my act together  what about the dad that son sooooooooo looks up to  .........      

I have prepared picnics for the ex and his gf (THE ONE HE LEFT ME FOR!!!!  by the way so i dont think im the problem...

perhaps part time dad needs to reinforce the respect that we should be recieving instead of allowing boy to get his own way AND REWARDING HIM WITH TREATS AND MOVIES WHEN HE DOES DECIDE TO SEE HIS KIDS WHEN HE CAN FIT IT IN.... but thats a part time parent for you...........  he is a part time parent by choice actually

thank you so very much for your wonderful post.  if i had not already been racking my brain and already blaming myself for coming home from the hospital 2 days early and sobbing 24 hours a day and blaming myself for leaving my kids for a few days to get treatment well i will sure make sure that i take time out and cry some more and blame myself now after your very enlightening spiteful spatter.



a really totally disgusted rini