What to say to 5 year old?

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

Long story short. Okay I will try.

My fiance found out that there was a lot of DV in his exs house btw her and bf. Then we had our concerns of drug use verified by her family. Ex went to jail with bf on July 30 for violating an OP. We picked the child up on August 1st for regular week on week off visitation. On Aug. 6th he filed for emergency custody (ex lives 200 miles away in another county, case is in her county, small town) He was denied the emergency but ww had ex served w/ papers to change custody and bf served with an OP against him for my fiance and the child. Ex called and admitted on tape her drug use and said child should stay with us for a while, we showed up to the p/u drop/off location anyway, so she couldn't file contempt she no showed and we told te child mommy had a big job. (Mom doesn't work is on complete welfare, her house is up for gov't auction and benefits have now been stopped because she filed for them and we have the child) Anyway we (I write we b/c it is easier I know that it is my fiance) let me take her one weekend by agreement that was filed with the Court b/c ex was threatening to come get the child for regular 50/50 visit and w/ no order stating otherwise trust we have learned you don't go in contempt of this judge. The weekend went fine by the time the next weekend came that ex wanted to see her daughter we had received a minute entry that the child was with the father and should stay there until the hearing at the end of Sept. Ex never filed a response and the ME was done on the 20th day (last day to respond) So we told her any visitation had to be supervised as was requested in the Petition to change custody she flipped and didn't get to see her that weekend. Two weeks later she says okay supervised, but at my house not my moms there are more drugs there (ex still hasn't done any rehab, counseling, drug tests, or proved b/f is gone). My fiance almost agrees but then finds out the house she swore she saved by paying the overdue mortgage is up for auction sale. (The way my fiance got 50/50 was b/c the day after ex was ordered not to move further than 100 miles away she up and took off 200 miles away) With losing the house, benefits having no job and about to lose her child we are afraid she will run again she has family connection in at least two other states. We told her she had to come here and my mother in law even offered to pay for the hotel.
Well Court date got set back to the end of Oct. and the judge re-iterated that child is with dad and may stay there with no instructions on visitation. Ex again freaks out again she is told she may come here with accomidations paid for. Last friday she called and told the child (who is 5) that she was coming to see her. Then she never showed b/c she doesn't want to be supervised and said she didn't have any $. But she told the child and us 2 days before she was coming up and taking their child and her other child to the State Fair (that is at least $100). She has constantly stated to the child "I bought a new puppy and it misses you so much I have to hold its' paw" (the child and puppy have never met and therefore how can the puppy miss her) "You can't have your birthday presents until you come here" "I made your favorite dinner and dessert for your brother" "Me and your brother are very very sad that you can't come home" "We are going to the fair here tell your daddy to let you come here and I will take you" "Daddy won't let me see you" "I am ging to come get you and bring you home soon but I can't yet b/c Daddy won't let me" "You missed so and sos birthday party b/c daddy won't let you come." ETC ETC. The child at this point won't or hasn't discussed it. We have all three fiance child and myself have never been closer. The child does get upset when she is on the phone with mom. But after is fine. The only things the child has said outside of mom being on the phone and telling her to ask when she can go see her mom is "I want to see my new puppy" "I want to get my birthday presents" "I want to go to my school at mommys its easier work" (she use to be in preschool but we found a charter kindergarten that would take her in this was done with moms permission) At this point all we have said is that now she is in real school that is why she spends most of her time here and when mom puts us on the spot in front of the child we just say "oh but what about blah blah you already made plans to do this weekend" And the child tells mom sorry i'm busy. It's getting to the point where that is worse and now mom is directly blaming dad. What do we say to the child. Mom suggested we tell her mommy is clean but daddy is on an ego trip and won't let them see each other. Yes that's on tape too.
Please help
sorry so long.

[msme]

Is your child in therapy? If not, she should be. Also, we teach the philosophy of choices. We tell the children that everyday everyone has to make lots of choices. We explained to the little ones that even what kind of cereal we eat for breakfast is a choice.

We then explained that everybody makes poor choices, sometimes. That does not mean that we are bad but only that we did not make the best choice.

When the pbfh plays mind games, and they ask about it, we just say that we do not know why mommy made that choice. We also say that we cannot make anyone make the best choices & everyone is responsible for the choices they make. Then we pray that she will start making better choices.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[smtotwo]

With all the lies the psychomommy has been telling, we knew WHERE they were getting the behaviour, just not HOW to deal with it!!

How could I have not thought of the lesson in the choices we make!!?

Thank you SOO MUCH!  I'm sooo using this next time skids are here!!

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

Thank you I wouldn't even have thought of that. We (me and fiance) are taking parenting counseling (never thought so much could change going from 50/50 to full time) and the place we are going to has counseling for children of divorce. I am waiting on a call back, some places have told me 5 is too young. Do we keep her in the dark about what is going on. Believe it or not on our side Court has never been mentioned also no mention of drugs and etc. She's beginning to question us. this morning she asked me when she gets to go back to her mommys? I told her that she would see her soon and that mommy and daddy had to work out a time between everyones busy schedule. Probably an avoiding answer but I am at a loss. Thank G-d Court is Friday either way we will be able to tell her something. But thanks the choice thing is great especially when mommy stands her up.

[msme]

Five is not to young to teach about choices. Always tell your children that you will never lie to them, & don't. Also tell them that there some things in life that do not concern children & when they ask about such things, You will simply tell them that some things are only for grown-ups & that you will not discuss it with them. That is the truth.

When they ask difficult questions, don't be afraid to say something like, "I know you worry about that. What do you say we discuss it with xxxxx (counselor) next time we see him/her.

Recently, my 6 yo DGS told his therapist, "I know what the whole problem is. It's our mom. She just lies & lies & lies & lies & lies & lies & lies............" The therapist finally stopped him after about 10 times, while his dad, jestured to the therapist that he didn't know where that came from because, no one in our home ever disparages her & the little guy rarely says anything.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

Well I heard from the center we are going to and they said 5 is too young but that she would give me some resources tomorrow night at the class. So hopefully we will find someone for her talk to. Your right we try to be up front with her but there are some things that she doen't need to know about and I guess its all coming to a head because this is the first time we have had a "Major Court Issue" since she's been old enough to voice her questions. We did lie to her and tell her mommy got a job the first time mom didn't show b/c there we were waiting at the halfway point for more than an hour in 100 degree heat and she was crying and asking where her mommy was.

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

Long story short. Okay I will try.

My fiance found out that there was a lot of DV in his exs house btw her and bf. Then we had our concerns of drug use verified by her family. Ex went to jail with bf on July 30 for violating an OP. We picked the child up on August 1st for regular week on week off visitation. On Aug. 6th he filed for emergency custody (ex lives 200 miles away in another county, case is in her county, small town) He was denied the emergency but ww had ex served w/ papers to change custody and bf served with an OP against him for my fiance and the child. Ex called and admitted on tape her drug use and said child should stay with us for a while, we showed up to the p/u drop/off location anyway, so she couldn't file contempt she no showed and we told te child mommy had a big job. (Mom doesn't work is on complete welfare, her house is up for gov't auction and benefits have now been stopped because she filed for them and we have the child) Anyway we (I write we b/c it is easier I know that it is my fiance) let me take her one weekend by agreement that was filed with the Court b/c ex was threatening to come get the child for regular 50/50 visit and w/ no order stating otherwise trust we have learned you don't go in contempt of this judge. The weekend went fine by the time the next weekend came that ex wanted to see her daughter we had received a minute entry that the child was with the father and should stay there until the hearing at the end of Sept. Ex never filed a response and the ME was done on the 20th day (last day to respond) So we told her any visitation had to be supervised as was requested in the Petition to change custody she flipped and didn't get to see her that weekend. Two weeks later she says okay supervised, but at my house not my moms there are more drugs there (ex still hasn't done any rehab, counseling, drug tests, or proved b/f is gone). My fiance almost agrees but then finds out the house she swore she saved by paying the overdue mortgage is up for auction sale. (The way my fiance got 50/50 was b/c the day after ex was ordered not to move further than 100 miles away she up and took off 200 miles away) With losing the house, benefits having no job and about to lose her child we are afraid she will run again she has family connection in at least two other states. We told her she had to come here and my mother in law even offered to pay for the hotel.
Well Court date got set back to the end of Oct. and the judge re-iterated that child is with dad and may stay there with no instructions on visitation. Ex again freaks out again she is told she may come here with accomidations paid for. Last friday she called and told the child (who is 5) that she was coming to see her. Then she never showed b/c she doesn't want to be supervised and said she didn't have any $. But she told the child and us 2 days before she was coming up and taking their child and her other child to the State Fair (that is at least $100). She has constantly stated to the child "I bought a new puppy and it misses you so much I have to hold its' paw" (the child and puppy have never met and therefore how can the puppy miss her) "You can't have your birthday presents until you come here" "I made your favorite dinner and dessert for your brother" "Me and your brother are very very sad that you can't come home" "We are going to the fair here tell your daddy to let you come here and I will take you" "Daddy won't let me see you" "I am ging to come get you and bring you home soon but I can't yet b/c Daddy won't let me" "You missed so and sos birthday party b/c daddy won't let you come." ETC ETC. The child at this point won't or hasn't discussed it. We have all three fiance child and myself have never been closer. The child does get upset when she is on the phone with mom. But after is fine. The only things the child has said outside of mom being on the phone and telling her to ask when she can go see her mom is "I want to see my new puppy" "I want to get my birthday presents" "I want to go to my school at mommys its easier work" (she use to be in preschool but we found a charter kindergarten that would take her in this was done with moms permission) At this point all we have said is that now she is in real school that is why she spends most of her time here and when mom puts us on the spot in front of the child we just say "oh but what about blah blah you already made plans to do this weekend" And the child tells mom sorry i'm busy. It's getting to the point where that is worse and now mom is directly blaming dad. What do we say to the child. Mom suggested we tell her mommy is clean but daddy is on an ego trip and won't let them see each other. Yes that's on tape too.
Please help
sorry so long.

[msme]

Is your child in therapy? If not, she should be. Also, we teach the philosophy of choices. We tell the children that everyday everyone has to make lots of choices. We explained to the little ones that even what kind of cereal we eat for breakfast is a choice.

We then explained that everybody makes poor choices, sometimes. That does not mean that we are bad but only that we did not make the best choice.

When the pbfh plays mind games, and they ask about it, we just say that we do not know why mommy made that choice. We also say that we cannot make anyone make the best choices & everyone is responsible for the choices they make. Then we pray that she will start making better choices.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[smtotwo]

With all the lies the psychomommy has been telling, we knew WHERE they were getting the behaviour, just not HOW to deal with it!!

How could I have not thought of the lesson in the choices we make!!?

Thank you SOO MUCH!  I'm sooo using this next time skids are here!!

[futurestep-mom_AZ]

Thank you I wouldn't even have thought of that. We (me and fiance) are taking parenting counseling (never thought so much could change going from 50/50 to full time) and the place we are going to has counseling for children of divorce. I am waiting on a call back, some places have told me 5 is too young. Do we keep her in the dark about what is going on. Believe it or not on our side Court has never been mentioned also no mention of drugs and etc. She's beginning to question us. this morning she asked me when she gets to go back to her mommys? I told her that she would see her soon and that mommy and daddy had to work out a time between everyones busy schedule. Probably an avoiding answer but I am at a loss. Thank G-d Court is Friday either way we will be able to tell her something. But thanks the choice thing is great especially when mommy stands her up.