Question about 730 eval...

[Lunarbunny]

Hi all.  I'm new to posting but I've been lurking for a while.
I'm a soon to be step mom of a 7 year old girl and am the bio mom to a 7 year old boy.  My boyfriend and I live together but are not married yet due to financial reasons.  

There has been a temporary CO on place for about 2 years.  His ex-wife has been dragging out litigation with false accusations and anything else that she can come up with for what seems like forever.  In hopes to bring this all to a conclusion the judge ordered a 730 evaluation and after evaluating both bio parents the evaluator decided to do a full evaluation on me, complete with having me take the MMPI.  I was wondering if this is customary, or perhaps an indicator, that the evaluator is considering placing the child with us.  

Any insite would be welcome!

[DecentDad]

I wouldn't read too much into it.

My wife (i.e., stepmom) took the psych tests too, during my 730.  She and I both came out normal.  My ex had some abnormalities come up.

However, her abnormalities weren't enough for me to get sole custody.

It's just the evaluator doing information gathering to support whatever recommendations he'll make.

That said, the evaluator wants to see stability in a home.  If you intend to get married at some point, now may be a good time to do it.  Even if it's just a courthouse ceremony (and have your big costly reception at a future date), you're married.

Living together isn't necessarily a mark against dad, but marriage could be a little point in the "stable home" area.

DD

[kitten]

Consider yourselves lucky that the evaluator is trying to get a fair assesment of all parties.  I am in your same situation and the evaluator only asked me two questions!  What I do for work and how my two children do in school.  However, she had at least an hour long phone conversation with bm'S fiance and wrote three paragraphs about him in the evaluation.  All she said about me is that I have two daughters.  I would have been more that happy to provide more info and take the MMPI!  We are hoping to present the evaluation as biased, wish us luck!  We need it.

[Lunarbunny]

Thanks for the info.

It would probably be helpful if I gave you more background about the evaluation and the reason why we aren't married yet.

We would love to go and get married even if it was a quickie court room wedding.  We haven't done so b/c I am a widow and receive survivor's benefits.  I was only 5 classes away from my BA in math when I stopped attending some that I could homeschool my son.  He was a late talker and has struggled in the traditional school environment.  I explored and tried all of the available options for him and came to the conclussion that in order for him to receive the special attention that he needed I would have to homeschool him until he could once again attend 'regular' school.  Because of this I cannot work to compensate for the loss of my survior's benefits.  My fiance is paying an incredable $600 per month for child support.  If the child support decreased some we could get married.  

I felt very fortunate that I was able to go in and be evaluated and have the chance to help shed light on situation and be able to explain to the evaluator why we haven't married.

My fiance is now seeking sole custody for several reasons.  Some of them are:

1) Child comes over for visits dirty and her hair isn't brushed

2) Child makes comments about sex..."Those dolls are bad b/c the go on dates and have sex"..."Bunnies are bad b/c they mean sex"

3) Child wears a bra (she just turned 7 last week) b/c mom makes her

4) Thinks that if she is tickled under the arms that someone is trying to touch her nipples

5) Child has stated that BM says that daddy will get mad and hit me

6) BM uses corporal punishment with objects

7) BM has denied CO visitation on occassion

8) BM has lied in court (about too many issues to type) in order to prolong litigation...(mostly trying to paint my fiance to be a sex addict and say that he can't control himself and she fears that he will not be able to stop himself from sexually assaulted his daughter as she progressing into puberty)

9) BM changed schools without informing my fiance, not that she was giving him any information about the other school.  The only reason that we know is b/c child told us.

10) Child cries when she has to go back to BM.  Child said that she didn't want to be at her mom's right in front of her mom and mom's boyfriend whild I was holding her.

I could go on and on.  I just wish I could do more.  I spent 3.5 hour with the evaluator and spent an additional hour taking the MMPI.  I just want the child to be ok and not have to deal with all of the weird ideas that she has been taught.

[Kitty C.]

Now I can see why the 730 was ordered!  Holy Cow!!!!!!!

This child is living in an abusive home, no two ways about it.  All the signs are there.  If you EVER see any signs of bruising or marks that just 'don't look right', take her into an ER (preferably at a hospital with a predominant peds unit) and have her evaluated by staff there.  They are mandatory reporters and are required by law to report ANY suspicions of abuse.  You need this 3rd party objective report in order to be taken seriously, otherwise if you just report it yourselves and it is also mentioned (they will probably ask) that there is a custody dispute going on, they will see it as retaliation against the other parent and won't take you seriously.

Mom has some weird sexual attitudes, especially towards the child.  So it fits perfectly that she's trying to portray the father as a possible sexual abuser.  You mention that the BM uses 'objects' in corporal punishment against the child.  Sooner or later a mark will be left and it will be unexplainable as accidental.  This is definitely something to stay on top of.

[Lunarbunny]

The funny thing about this is that it was the BM that demanded that the evaluation be done.  Apparently it was suggested by her lawyer as a way to prove that BD is a pervert.  We were more than happy to go along with b/c we figured that it would backfire on BM.  

As soon as I knew about the corporal punishment I began to check her out for marks of any kind.  During the child's following visit she told me that her mommy told her that the Judge said I was not allowed to look at her bottom.  It was just one more thing to tell the evaluator.

[Kitty C.]

Perfect example of her deflecting everything that she's doing to implicate your DH....AND you, if she can.  If she were to look in a mirror hard enough, she'd see exactly what she's accusing you and your DH of.

Did the judge actually say that?  Because you can tell her that her mom and you do things differently and that it his a parent's (or step-parent's) duty to check their children and make sure that everything's okay.  So I take it that her bottom is the only thing that the BM hits?  Sounds like it to me, or she would have NEVER said that to you.  You can also do it unobtrusively either while you're helping her change or giving her a bath.

Also remind her that she can talk to her teachers at school, too.  If you have a good rapport with her teachers, you might want to give them a heads-up on this, as well.  That way they can be on the look-out without being obvious about it.  And if they do have concerns, maybe the counselor can have a talk with her and ask her how things are going and if there's anything she wants to talk about.

The BM's tactics don't surprise me at all.  Because she's also in serious denial as well.  That's why she appears so gutsy.  Is the evaluator aware of your concerns about BM's over-zealous attitude regarding sexual behaviors?  If not, it would be a good idea.  Bring it up as a concern, not in an accusatory tone.

It's also possible that her lawyer has bought her story hook, line, and sinker, hence the suggestion of the 730.  I wouldn't place any bets in his sticking around if the eval. comes back pointing back in HER direction instead!

[Lunarbunny]

Thanks for the advice!  Sounds like we're on the same page.  I've already done most of what you have suggested.  

The Judge did not say that...I was in the court room.  I did explain that I my intentions were to make sure she was safe and that no one was hurting her.  I cannot check her during bath time b/c the TCO specifies no over-night visits with until after the eval b/c BM doesn't feel comfortable with it.  DH hasn't been able to have his daughter spend the night in the same place that he is for the last 2 years b/c BM has been dragging out litigation.

This last July BM switched daughter's school without notifying us and we found out b/c SD told us.  We had to go to the school with TCO to prove that we could be involved b/c BM did not list either of us on contact list.  We have emails from BM in response to DH inquiries about SD education where she states that she tells DH what he needs to know and that her education and who is babysitting SD is not need to know.  Through this whole custody thing BM has refused to speak with DH verbally and at times at all.  She has had her father 'handle' all communication and then after that all contact has been through email.

All of these issues were brought up to the evaluator and all copies of emails were handed over to the evaluator.  In addition to that the evaluator was given a copy of a tape where SD recounted a nightmare she had about BM getting angry for hitting SD and then in the nightmare BM slit DH throat!  All this time BM has been telling SD that DH is violent and will hurt SD!  DH is one of the least violent people I know and we don't even spank at our house.

The evaluation is almost complete.  All parties have been evaluated and we are just waiting for the report.  The court date in Nov. 18.  We don't know if we'll find anything out before that.  The eval was ordered in April and the court date has been pushed back too many times to count b/c the eval wasn't done.  I have trouble understanding what BM is thinking...there's no way anyone in their right mind would think this was good for a their kid.

[kitten]

She's not in her right mind.  This is a dangerous woman!

[Lunarbunny]

>She's not in her right mind.  This is a dangerous woman!


I totally agree.  Her latest stunt was to insist that her boyfriend (DH's ex-best friend...she divorced DH for this guy) bring SD to our home for visitation and when DH reminded BM that this person is not on the TCO as an acceptable person to receive or drop-off (BM made the list and refuses to deviate from it) she brought boyfriend to our house to confront DH.  The BM and boyfreind arrived at our house 30 min late and then made SD stay in the vehicle while they videotaped DH's reaction to them insisting that boyfriend be able to drop off and pick up SD.  Then boyfriend informed DH that he would miss visitation if he wasn't willing to cooperate.  DH gave him a medium push to get him out of the way so that he could get SD out of the vehicle and told the boyfriend to get off the property and never come back.  They had positioned themselves between SD and DH.  SD saw it all.  BM later spoke to me on the phone and informed me that DH was almost arrested because of the push and that the only reason he wasn't was b/c they stopped it b/c they didn't want SD to witness her dad being arrested.  Now the boyfriend still drives BM to our house in her car and they park on the road infront of our house and he gets out to watch BM pick up and drop off.  

Fortunately this happened less than a week before I was evaluated so I got to tell the evaluator about it.  BM thought eval was finished when the confrontation happened.  I asked the boyfriend for a copy of the tape and they would not let me have one.  They did however allow me to view it on a laptop they brought with them on the next scheduled visit.    BM actually giggled and told me that she was excited about haing the tape and glad I had not been out there to stop it!  (I was in the shower)  Before this they never taped any encounter...and they haven't done it since.  It was clearly a setup.  DH lawyer has requested a copy of the video.

What is wrong with people???