How do you deal with this? (Long)

[backwardsbike]

My ex simply will not inform me of anything to do with the kids.  I have set up systems with the school where they send me stuff.  He has done his best to interfere.  He rants and rages at doctor appointments when  he doesn't get his way.  He has threatened to sue our family therapist if she discussed anything with the kids that pertains to "his house".  

All of this makes it darn near impossible to maintain any sembelece of normal functioning.  No professional wants to get in the middle.  Since he is Primary Custodial Parent everyone seems to give him his way.  

Most recently our 15 yo son lost a dramatic amount of weight.  His clothes were hanging on him.  I realized that the weight drop was more dramatic after the start of the school year.  Son said he weighed 170# at the end of the last school year and was 150#.  He also said he was not trying to loose the weight.  I told him I thought he was fine before and certianly didn't need to loose weight.  We discussed it in Family therapy too.

 I decided to call the school to verify that he had really weighted 170# last year.  The most recent weight he had in his file was from Jan 2004.  It was 153#.  The nurse said she had weighed him in mid Sept and he had been 150#.  I said his clothes were so big that without a belt his pants that he had worn over the summer slid down over his hips.  She offered to weigh him again.  This time his weight was 142#.  My attorney wanted me to call the doctor and ask if this was normal ( not that I don't know that it isn't) just for reinforcement because BD is very unreasonalbe about taking kids to the doctor.   Anyway doc say son is over due for a physical and wants to see him ASAP.  They offered me an appointment and
 strongly suggested that I take it because doc would be going away for the holidays and she felt it would be better to have him see sooner rather than later.

In the meantime ex had sent me an email telling me son had told dad I thougth he was underweight and that ex thought he was normal according
 to charts and accused me of abusing and harrassing the children.

When I called to ask if he would be in agreement  with son having a physical and that doc had an opening he blew up at me.  He was irate that I was involved with this as he told me son was normal.  The thing that bothered him most of all was that I had tenatively scheduled the appointment on his time and that was in violation of the court order.  The doctor is never open when I have custody, I asked.  The order about not scheduling on the other parent's time came about because he routienly scheduled his family vacations for my time.

Anyway, now son is highly miffed with me for bringing this up and scheduling the appointment.  Dad has a habit of putting the kids smack dab in the middle of any and all disagreements.

I am so tired of being th bad guy but how else are my kids gonna get medical care?  Does anyone have any advice about what I can do to : 1. help my relationship with my kids.  2. lessen the stress of these encounters with the ex.  3.  Keep any semeblace of sanity for the next six years until the youngest turns 18.  This affects my entire  family.  Thank you for reading this far and for any advice.

[FLMom]

Gee, does THIS sound familiar.

First thing that you could do is talk to your son. Tell him that you are worried about him, and give him reasons WHY you believe he should be going to a doc. (The first thing I thought of when I saw that he had lost weight and not even tried was juvenile diabetes). He old enough that he needs to know that there is a specific reason for your suggestion, not that you're trying to be a PIA to his father. I went through this SAME exact thing this past year as far as a teenager who suddenly lost weight. You know what the doc said? He was glad that she had been brought in, and IMMEDIETLY ordered blood tests.

Don't let your ex make you second guess yourself. You are doing what is right for your children. The only way to lessen stress with your ex is if there was an invasion of the body snatchers incident and someone else took over his body. It's NOT going to happen. All you can do is IN WRITING tell him the same thing that you have told your son--that you're not being unreasonable and this is why you have concerns--then start numbering them off. We all know a reasonable person would agree, but then again if we're divorced we already know what we're dealing with, right? If you send it by mail send it certified, if you send it by e-mail be sure to save your letter and his reply. Give him X amount of days to reply. If he doesn't reply or replies in disagreement it's time to tell him that since you and I obviously don't agree on this issue it's time to let the judge decide.

(We included this in our last agreement. If one parent feels that the child should be seen by a doctor and the other parent does not agree then it's to be brought up as an emergency motion in front of the judge and HE is to decide.)

Now, he can be irrational with you all the live long day but let him try to sell it to a judge and he'll know he won't get far. You aren't threatening, this is the position your ex is putting you as the mother of your children.

I don't know about the sanity part. I've still got 8 years to go. When you get there you can let me know how blissful it is. Maybe if you take a hard stand on stuff like this he'll respect you--you never know.
I know that my ex still has little respect for me, but our children do cause they know that I will go as far as I have to for them.

Good Luck!

[backwardsbike]

Thank you for your very kind words.  I do actually get to second guessing myself where these disagreements with the ex come up.  Especially when the kids get so angry with me.  I know that they are just tired of taking the heat from thiir Dad.  This is one instance when I didn't second guess myself.  I feel really resolute about this one.

The doctor's appointment is on Monday.  I hope it goes well.  And I hope the teenager in yourlife who suddenly lost weight is well and happy.