I am going to need some help

[Robert in NY]

Hi. First the quick overview, I was engaged to a very beautiful woman and we had a daughter before we were married. She became pregnant after we were engaged so it had nothing to do with that. Our daughter is 4 months old now and she left me to be with her sons father and now this is the rest of the story.

My daughters moms name is Erin. She became pregnant when she was 15 and had her son when she was 16. His name was Aiden. Aidens father left her when she was 3 months pregnant and then his visitation was that he showed up once or twice a year to say hi (usually around his Birthday). I met Erin 16 months ago and whe was 19 years old, I was 25 at the time. We were engaged after 3 months and she was pregnant the next month. Everything was fine between us other then living with her parents while we built our house. She did not want to live there and I didn't blame her. Her parents were loving but parents try to help too much at times. Anyway, Ava was born in August and she is a very beautiful little girl who we both love more then the world. In November Erin started planning our wedding, talking to the Pastor of the church, looking at dresses and the rest of that stuff. Things seemed fine. Then Aidens Birthday came up and there was some tension between us and Erins parents. So Erins mother called Aidens dad and told him if he wanted back with Erin now would be the time to do it as we were having trouble. So he comes in and as I am working on our house Erin is being taken all over the place and keeps running into Aidens dad. Well she decided she was suppose to be with him more then me and now I have a 4 month old daughter I don't get to see everyday.

Our house is finished and we could move into it anytime. Erin and I broke up formally last Sunday December 12. We were seperated for about 10 days before that and I would visit Ava at least every other day but I tried to every day but Erin wanted space so I tried to give it to her. After we broke up she told me she was dating Aidens dad again. I am fine with that as I cared a lot for Erin but I love our daughter more then anything. All I want is to be in my daughters life. So I proposed to Erin that we move to our house anyways (I say ours but it is actually mine). We would live in the same house as we get along fine but have different bed rooms. She would be able to see Aidens dad and he could come visit Aiden and Erin when she wanted. She would be right next to her job (2 miles instead of 20 miles) as well as be closer to family and Aidens father. I would take care of everything till she went back to work and then we would share the bills. This arrangement was only going to be till Ava was 1 as she is being breast fed. Anyway, while Erin agreed to it for the most part she then said it would be ackward to live with me and backed out of the deal.

Now for the last bit of information, I own and insure the Jeep Erin uses and loves. I am the one making the payments and I was the one who bought it for her so she had safe transportation for herself and the kids. I owe $6300 on it still. I told her I would give her time to get a loan as Aidens father said he would pay Erins bills. I told her to talk to him and get something figured out about it as I won't be responsible for a vehicle I don't use or see. I want Erin to have the Jeep but I won't give it to her and I can't wait around and figure it gets wrecked someday. Aidens father use to be heavy into drugs and alchol which is why Erin didn't want him around. He didn't pay support or care about her or her son. Now he told her after she left me that he has a STD and I asked Erin if it is a serious one and she said it was but wouldn't tell me what it is. I fear that if he gets cut it could infect my Daughter. Do I have any rights to find out what he has? Also, do I have any chance of getting 50% custody of my daughter. I want my daughter to live with me at least 3.5 days a week. I proposed I would pick her up Thursday mornings and give her back to her mother Sunday after Church. Erin proposed that I could visit her 4 times a week, two of the times at my house and two at her parents. She does not believe a Father is just as important as a mother in an infants development. I love my daughter and while I am getting along with Erin and I hold no grudge against her or anyone else I do not see this ending well. I am going to talk to a lawyer Friday and have already started a log to record when I see Ava and what is said between Erin and I. I am going to get a tape recorder to record phone conversations as well as our personal conversations for a record. I do not know what to do. Erin is a great mother and loves her children as much as I do. I would never try to prove her anything else. I do not want my daughter to get infected if something happens with Aidens father but I also don't want to try to take her from her mother. I want her for half the time as I know it is fair. I didn't ask for any of this to happen and am dealing with it as it comes. I have been calm to everyone involved and have not lost my temper or raised my voice no matter who was yelling at me or insulting me. I am looking for any advice or storys that might give me some hope because right now I know if this goes to court I feel like I will lose my daughter. Sorry for being so long winded but I try to let everyone know what is going on that led up to all this. Thanks for reading.

Forgot to add, we bought a breast pump and are going to start to work Ava into using a bottle so that I could have her without Erin. Erin tells me that Ava can't handle not having her mother at night and keeps going back to the fact that Ava needs her because she is breast feeding her. I want Ava to be able to spend the night and have read the research but Erin doesn't want to listen to me let alone give up her daughter for half a week let alone a day.

[Robert in NY]

Hello guys, my story is above. Here is what we are planning, Erin will start to pump and build a milk supply. I will start trying to bottle feed Ava every other day and possibly every day depending on weather and schedules. Once Ava is use to taking the bottle we will start working with me taking her without her mother and see how things go. Then Erin will stay over night at my place when I try to let Ava stay the night. If Ava wakes up Erin will stay out of sight unless I need her. We are hoping that in 2-3 months Ava will be able to stay at my house without any problems.

When we have Ava ready we will draw up a custody paper giving us both joint legal and placement as well as a 50/50 living arrangement and a split on any expenses Ava requires. Also Ava would be left at either my house or my parents while Erin is working so that we can spend more time with her. Once we have this drawn up I will give it to my lawyer who will look it over and make sure it is all legal and then we will finalize it. Erin is working on getting the Jeep insured under her name now and she and her boyfriend will pay off my loan and take over responsibilty as soon as possible. Is there anything I have over looked or should do that I might have forgotten. I am hoping things work out like we are talking as I know if this went to court I would not have a chance. Thanks.

[joni]

Sweet deal....good for you.  YOu're right, you'd never get this in court.

Usually, 6 months is the cutoff for children who are breastfeeding.  Although breast milk goes bad after a day in the fridge, you can freeze it for 6 months.  So as much as she can pump, you can store and build quite an inventory.  My sister did this with her twins and actually had so much, she had to throw it out after they stopped breast feeding.

[wendl]

My son's father and I were never married, my son would go to his dad, well his parents, dad rarely cared for our son. Anyways I breast fed the entire time.   Your ex should be able to pump her breast and freeze the milk for your, when thawing the mild DO NOT mircowave it, put in inside a bowl of warm water, the milk will thaw quickly.

I did this for the entire time my son was breastfeeding as he went to daycare fulltime so we needed supply for there and a supply for while son was with his dad.

I wish you the best of luck, hopefully you and your ex can continue to be on good terms, that is what is really best for your daughter.


When you do your parenting plan visitation, remember to include when child reaches school age, better to start now, like spring breaks, winter breaks, you should be able to get a calender online for the school district mom lives in, this way you can somewhat plan for the future when your daughter starts school.  You can also put in their that you get 1st right of refusal, meaning when mom has to work or whatnot that you have the 1st opportunity over anyone else to care for your daughter. Don't forget the Tax return who gets to claim child when, like dad even years mom odd years and so on.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Robert in NY]

Thanks for the reply. We are trying to stay in the same school district so that Ava can go to school from either of our houses when the time comes. Right now things are going well and hopefully will continue. I have not discussed who claims Ava yet and want to talk to my accountant first to see what he recommends. Erin has Aiden to claim as it is and a lot of it might depend on who will benifit the most from claiming Ava. If Erin would get more back then she will claim her but if I do then I will. It will go to helping Aiden and Ava anyways so that is all that matters. Only time will tell and it might end up being easier to just alternate years.

Also, thanks for the tips on the breast milk. I got a pamplet about it already that explains a lot about storing as well as preparing it for the child. Erin knows most of this from when she had Aiden so anything I do miss she will be able to correct me.

It means a lot to Erin and I that we be friends. We both know it is best for Ava and the only thing that can interfere with it is relationships. Its funny how other people try to tell someone what to do. Right now Aidens dad doesn't want Erin spending much time with me but Erin does anyway because it is the only way I can see Ava and that my parents can see her. So Erin is in a situation where she is under a lot of stress because of it. I pray for her every night that she will be ok as it is not good for her or our kids to have this much stress. Hopefully it won't affect her too bad and she can build up a supply of milk for me to feed Ava.

I do have a question, did you find any bottles or particular nipples that your son took better then any other. That is what we worry about going from the breast to the bottle and if we can make it as easy as possible for Ava then everyone is happy.

[wendl]

You want to get a nipple for the bottle that most represents the nipple of the woman. Also we used avent bottles they are curved a little and someone told me they were better as they get less air, I think they also come with the disposable liners (which you can store milk in these) Go to Target or Walmart and read the lables.

Also ask mom what the temp in the room that she normally feeds Ava is, I had a problem with my son as I switched from a cooler room to a warmer room and he didn't eat well in the warmer room, so make sure to ask mom about the temp of the room.

We used the old fashioned playtex bottles with the liners in them. Now they how so many more to choose form (lol its been 12yrs here for me so I am trying) But from my new mommy friends have said is that the avent ones are great.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Robert in NY]

Thanks again for your help.

[Robert in NY]

I showed Erin the papers today for the shared parenting plan that we had discussed before and agreed to. Things did not go well as Erin felt threatened that I was taking our daughter from her. She eventually calmed down as I explained to her it would not take effect till Ava was ready for overnight stays and that won't be for another month or more. We have another plan that will take care of visitation till then. Now for my problem.

I do not feel Erin will agree to this plan. She already mentioned to me today that I would not get this in court. I don't want this to go to court but I feel that it might. Now for some help. Aidens father is a drug user and probally still sells but I don't know for sure. I know a lot of people who know him and I was told today that he is still using drugs. When he is staying with Erin they sleep in the same bed with my 4 month old daughter. Is there any way I can get Erin and her boyfriend drug tested immediately and get my daughter away from this life. I do not want her growing up around drugs and Erin keeps believing he has changed because he tells her he has. I do not know what to do and with the holidays coming up I know the courts and lawyers won't be able to get much done right now. Aiden's dad already had an episode where he blew up and started yelling at Erin's mother because his son would not listen to him and do what he tells him (this is the second weekend he has been staying with Erin and back in his kids life). I do not want him to lose his temper towards Ava when she starts getting older. When he lost his temper at Erin's mother she tried to talk him back down and finally gave up and left the room. He continued yelling from the other room for about 10 more minutes before Erins mother told him to go outside and cool off for a while which he did. Does anyone have any advice on who to talk to or what to do? Would this be something for Child protection services or do I have no rights? Thanks

[wendl]

Well CPS won't do squat.
I would go down the local police dept to see if any charges have ever been made on this man. Also check to see if any Domesitc Violence charges or reports were made against either Erin or her boyfriend.

Hate to say it but you will probably have to go to court, as it stand you are at your ex's whim in regards to visitation.

If it goes to court, you can request NO overnight guests of the opposite sex, some judges will grant it some won't but it never hurts to try, but keep in mind this would be no overnight guests for you either.

Keep documenting. If mom has any past drug history that you know of and is documented same with her boyfriend now, then use that in court to get drug testing done on both of them.

Just some suggestions.

I hope you have a good holiday and are able to spend some of it with your daughter.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Robert in NY]

Well an update, I have been patient with Erin and today we finally started to talk about the shared parenting plan. She gets upset and doesn't want to talk about this or sign anything. I finally get tired of her games and threaten to take my Jeep back from her and her attitude changed completely. Suddenly she wanted to talk and work something out.

She does not want to sign the shared plan but admitted she didn't even read it all. She is afraid I will use it to hurt her somehow (which does not make sense if she would read it as it does not favor either parent). She finally tells me she has no problem with the 50% Shared plan but doesn't want to sign any papers because she is scared to. I feel like she does not want to make a commitment to Ava and myself and she instead wants me to trust her and "play it by ear". I told her before and about 5 more times today that I do not have any trust or faith left in her as all she has done is lie to me since we split up. I want an agreement signed between us that will protect my rights and my daugthers rights and we can build trust between Erin and I later.

Does anyone have any ideas how I might be able to convince Erin to sign the shared parenting plans? She agreed to sign the temporary visitation plan I drew up that allows me to visit Ava 4 times a week for 6 hours each visit. We alternate who drives to whos place each visit. This plan will be in place till Ava is weened. Erin didn't sign it yet as she wanted me to change one thing on it but did say she would. I do not hold much stock on her word but the fact she did say she would sign this one makes me wonder if I can convice her to sign the Shared plan. Any thoughts on what I might be able to do to convince her to sign both plans? Thanks again for any and all help.

[Robert in NY]

Erin finally signed the Shared Parenting plan tonight. Tomorrow I will take it to my lawyer and he to the Judge to make it legal. Hopefully it will go smoothly. Thanks again to everyone who has helped me thru this and I will let you know when it is all finalized. Take care.

[wendl]

Good luck.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Robert in NY]

Today I went to see Ava on our agreed upon time. This is at Erin's parents house. When I got there (I called ahead to make sure she was home and things were ok and she said it was) I was not allowed in by Aiden's father (Brandon). He said that because I took the Jeep back that I am not allowed to see my daughter till I get a court order. Erin was no where to be found and I do not know why Brandon was the one talking to me. So I called Erins mother and asked her to call and see if she could get me in. She did and Aiden was sent to allow me in the house (send the 4 year old, that won't affect him to be in the middle of this mess), anyway Erin was upstairs with Ava so I went to see her and she was upset and went downstairs so Aiden asked me to color with him in his and Ava's room. I did as Ava was asleep and Erin went downstairs and was talking to Brandon. I did not want to get in the way downthere as Ava was sleeping anyway. About 3 minutes go by and Brandon starts yelling up stairs at me wanting me to leave his kid alone. So I did, I went downstairs and he was still yelling at me about why I am there (as Ava was sleeping next to where he is yelling from). I finally ask him what his problem is and he jumped up and threatened to attack me. Erin had to restrain him and he was asking me to step outside and settle this with him. I told him I would not fight him (some people don't grow up) and then he grabbed my arm as if he was going to lead me outside. I told him if he touched me again I would call the police. Things did not settle down and Erin took Ava upstairs to the nursery. The entire time Brandon was trying to tell me that Ava (who is almost 5 months) does not like me and likes him better and that I am no good for her. He then goes on to insult me personally and physically and this continued on for about 15 minutes. He finally settled down when he realized he was not going to get a reaction from me. I do not know what the heck happened to bring this all up. He kept bringing up Erin and my past and the Jeep and it had nothing to do with me seeing Ava on our scheduled time.

I do not know what to do. Erin signed the parenting agreement and right now we are waiting on a court date. If this happens again I am going to drop the 50% plan and go for full custody. I have been very kind to Erin during all of this no matter what was said or done to me. I am not happy with being threatened (I was not scared of him either and he knows that) but I do not want to be put in a situation where I will have to defend myself as I know when the cops show up it will be said I threw the first punch. I keep trying to get thru this right now till Ava is old enough for me to take her without her mother. Erin is supposed to be trying to get her to take a bottle but I have little confidence that is happening. What am I supposed to do if this happens again and I am threatened like I was today? I thought about calling the police and reporting it but it would be my word against Erin and Brandons. The last thing I need is to be falsely arrested. I can not have supervised visitations because Erin uses the "I don't have a vehicle anymore" excuse. I doubt if I took a family member with me if it would mean anything. I just wish the court would hurry up and get this thing settled.

I never thought I would wish Ava would grow up so quickly like I do now. If she was a little older I would be able to take her by myself and not have these problems and if she was a little older she would be living with me every other week and I would not have these problems. Once this is over I would want her to go back to growing up nice and slow again. So what does everyone think I should do to protect myself againt this again. I am supposed to see Ava tomorrow and when Brandon is not there things are fine. The problem is when he is there Erin uses him against me. Thanks and good night guys.

[almostastepmom]

I'm not sure where you live, but you need to get your lawyer to put a rush on those papers.  Go to the police and get a restraining order against that man.  If you most, when it's your time to see your daughter you have a policemen escort you their.  My SO is an Officer and has done this numerous times.  Don't forget to DOCUMENT ALL OF THIS.  
Good luck!

[Robert in NY]

Thanks for your reply. Shortly after I posted this I talked to some friends of mine who happen to be police and they told me to file this with the Sheriff. If I recall I have 48 hours to record this with them so I will do that first thing in the morning. I am not going to press charges right now as that will not help me with Ava. But it will be recorded and if anything else happens in the future I will have him arrested because of it. I talked to my lawyer and because this happened during the holidays I am stuck in a backlog of cases. They are checking on it to see if they can find when I am supposed to go to court. Everything that has happened does get recorded in my log. I keep trying to keep things peaceful till this gets thru court. If I don't then I have no rights to see Ava until after court. It is a crap shoot and I know it and I hope that my court date comes up soon so I can get this over with. Take care.

Also, I live in New York in Chautauaua county.