Custody Modification Help

[jojobear]

Change in Custody.... Battle HELP!"


           In July of 1999, my then wife walked out on me and our 2 kids. She granted me custody of the kids because she felt it was the best thing for them. The court ordered her to pay $51.00 weekly for child support although I did not want it. (maybe it is state minimum... that is what the judge set). It has been over 5 years. In the past 5 years I have gotten remarried and we live in a town that is 100 miles away from my ex-wife. She signed all forms needed that approved the move, before we moved. My boys have adjusted well, and they have 2 step brothers and a step sister that they live with. They love their school and are active in sports. We have blended very well. It is myself, my wife and our 5 children. Last October we were served with relocation of parental rights papers. My ex wife is taking me to court for custody of my 2 boys. When we talked to the boys, both of them want to live with her. She has bought them a motorcycle, and has gave them each their own room, with cable, PS2's and a new game every time they go up there...(every other weekend). She has told them that they would not have to do their homework if they lived there..and a numerous other things that are very outlandeous! She has promised that they would find a church to attend (we are very active in our church here) What 12 & 10 year old would not want to live there? They knew that the papers were going to be filed. But she told them that if they told us...we would hate them. So for a month my boys lived with this...and did not mention anything to us. What a relief off of their shoulders when we finally found out and told them that NO MATTER what they do...we would never hate them! This has been a horrible ordeal. A GAL has been appointed. I have never had any experience with any of these things and I do not know what to expect. If my boys say they want to live with my ex wife....will the judge just allow it? The GAL wants 3 people other then myself to talk to...who should those people be? Should my new wife be one of them? And my stepchildren? I just don't know any answers but I have a lot of questions. We hired an attorney from out of town because none of the ones here in town would travel to the city that the papers were filed in. We chose him because he has commercials on a Christian Radio Station that we listen to...but he has just not be forthcoming with information. We feel very lost. If anyone has been through a relocation of parental rights please help us with information. My wife and I feel that it is with us that would be in the best interest of my boys. We love them, have a good Christian family here, and we are always here. My exwife works 3rd shift and when my boys are up there.....they are either at the babysitters (their grandparents) or alone...watching their 3 year old brother while their Mom sleeps. In fact, since the papers have been filed there has only been one weekend (over Christmas) that their Mom has spent the entire weekend with them. Every other weekend they have spent atleast one night with their Grandparents. (Biological Mom gets them every other weekend).
We are all so new at this...and it just sucks. Our Christmas was spent pinching pennies because of all the legal fees...but she was able to spend atleast $700.00 on each of the boys...The boys really think that they will have EVERYTHING if they live there....and she is doing a fine job at proving that. But we just don't want to play that game. My wife and I think that the time we spend with them is much more important then the money we spend on them....but at 10 & 12...they just don't see that.
Help!!
 

[lookinnomore]

I feel your pain, am living the same life.  I live with the BF and his x gave us custody and after getting re married decided they now fit into her life.

Fathers winning have come a long way, we went through the home study and the GAL was appointed as well.  The home study was just alot of talking about everyones home lives and things.  The GAL never wanted to see the boys, as their mother never contacted her with why she had file a change of custody order what grounds.

As for your three people, I would use your wife, she spends a large amount of time with the boys.  If your mother or father live close and play a key role use them.  Maybe a minister or teacher would be good as well.

I know the buying game all too well, the grass always looks greener on the other side and you sure can't get a child to understand that.  Hate to say it but, I hear lots of people say courts LOVEmothers.  Even when they willingly give up the children to begin with.  Hopefully the courts will see through these mothers in both our cases.

GOOD LUCK!

[sld02]

What about a shared custody agreement?  Is that possible or do you live too far away?

I get accused of buying my children too much.  But, I refuse to feel bad because I have more money.  My boys are so good, they deserve a special treat occasionally.

About your custody questions.  In order to change custody there has to be a material change in circumstance.  What has occured recently that she could use for grounds?  Can she spend more time with the children after school then you or your wife can?  Are they struggling in school?

The judge is going to take in consideration what your boys want.  He won't change custody based on it, but he will consider their wishes.  He will also ask them WHY they want to live with BM.  So will the GAL.  If they say it is because of material objects then she's in trouble.  If they say they really want to spend more time with their BM and half-brother instead of step-brothers, that is a valid point.

Another caution I saw in your post, and please do not take this the wrong way.....Tread lightly one the Christian thing.  It is great that your boys have this in their life, and belong to a church.  But sometimes GAL's, and judges are very leary of bible thumpers.  There has been a great deal in the courts, and press about harmful churches, and pastors.

So, given that....

1.  Change attorney's.  Any attorney that would advertise about divorce and custody on a christian radio station sounds crooked to me.

2.  Develop a co-parenting plan BEFORE meeting with the GAL.

3.  Try not to involve your new wife or step-children.  They will be viewed as biast.  Instead involve a long time friend.  Someone that has known you for a long time, and has seen your family blend well.  School teachers are excellent.  If the boys do well in school, the teachers will back you up.  Who is the boys doctor?  Will he say that they are emotionally and physcially well?

These are the types of things that they want to know.  What is the reason for the change?  I would also avoid mentioning to the GAL about the material things.  That will make you look petty.  If she is really trying to "buy" them, the GAL will find that out on her own.

I agree with lookin that the courts do LOVE mothers.  But, your situation is different.  You have already had your boys for five years.  She has to prove what a change in circumstance.

Good luck!

[jojobear]

We live too far away for a shared parenting agreement.  My ex does get them every other weekend and 2 months in the summer.  I know that it is hard for her not seeing the boys.  We have given her every opportunity to be involved in things that they do.  But with her work schedule, she is not able to do that.  Now before the court date got moved...she spent the week before that court date coming to wrestling match, christmas program and a parent teacher conference.  It was the first time she had ever been to their school.  Even the school secretary called my wife wondering what was going on because they had never seen nor heard from her before.  But she was not involved when we lived close either.
 
I don't see anything wrong with buying your children things.  Unfortunatelly this last year has not been the easiest on us.  I got a new job 5 months ago after being laid off for 9 months...and just when things were getting straightened around, the papers came for the custody thing.  We are just not financially able to splurge anymore.  And I know that it is a trying time for the kids.  But they do know that they are loved and wanted.  And that in itself, is all that matters.  Well, a new dirt bike sure does look inviting though!!  

My youngest son is struggling in school.  But he has been struggling since he started school (even before the move).  We wanted to hold him back in 3rd grade but could not get the consent of his BM.  Same thing goes for 4th and 5th.  It is a sore subject cause he has told us that his mom said that when he lives there he won't have to do his homework.  Which is exactly what the problem is now.  He has a lot of missing assignments.  He started off the year on the honor roll and we thought things were really looking good for this year!  But as soon as the month went by that he knew the custody papers were going to come, but my wife and I didn't.....the zero's started.  That is documented on the school papers.  I could tell you the exact day she called on the phone and told the boys that the papers were going to be coming.  Because the very next day, my youngest didn't turn in any papers...and continued with that until interims came and we found out.

As far as spending more time with them, she will only have a couple hours a day, if they do not play any sports.  If they play sports, none.  She leaves for work at 6:30pm.  Even during the summers, they spend the majority of the time with her parents, my boys' grandparents.  That is the way it is on her weekends also.  

I'm not a bible thumper at all.  I am proudly a Christian though.  Our kids love to go to church and are mad when other things are going on and we don't attend.  Course, BM has promised them that they would find a church up there.  Haven't started looking yet, but she has promised.  They come from a home where promises don't get broken, it will be a sad lesson to realize that sometimes adults say things that they don't mean.  

I have been told on this site a few times, to change attorneys.  We had a hard time finding the one that we have now....One that will travel the distance up there.  No one from our local area will.  We have to travel an hour to him and it is another hour to where the court procedings are.  And then, there is another retainer ($1500.00)  But, this is something that I feel we need to do.  ugh!

I have had mixed posts on involving my wife.  I am confused about that matter also.  Anyone I get to talk to the GAL is going to be biased on my behalf.  Same with my ex...anyone she gets is going to be biased on her behalf.  

Thank you for your words of advice, I appreciate it.

[janM]

Don't bring in anyone who is biased. Stick as much as possible with professionals like teachers, clergy, counsellors, etc.

The school records that show when mom told him about court issues are gold, if you can make a firm connection there. Judges don't like parents who involve the kids in adult matters. Especially if their schoolwork suffers. Have someone at the school testify that he should have been held back and mom would not agree.

Does he see a counsellor? It would help him deal with all this stress that mom is creating for him and would document the things she is telling him. I hope she has not threatened him if he tells anyone. He obviously tells you, which is great.

What a POS mom is.

[jojobear]

I am not really for sure if I can make the firm connection between the phone call and the grades dropping but it is documented.  I don't know how much the judge will think it is hearsay...but it is atleast a try.  Looking at the school record book shows there was a dramatic change.  The teacher that holds the book was very leery to even let me look at it.  She did not copy it for me upon my request.  She said it was an oversight on her part that he had so many zeros.  I think that she didn't want anything looking bad on her that a student had 9 zeros and the parents were not informed about it before grading period.  I hope that when I ask her again to make a copy, she will do it for me.  
What does POS mean?  lol  

[janM]

If you go to court you could subpoena the notebook and call her as a witness.

One other poster here uses POS...it means piece of ****.

:-)

[jojobear]

Talked to the GAL today.  She said the people she wants to talk to are 3 people that can tell her what kind of parents we are.  It doesn't have to do with the kids right now, but how we parent.  Does that make sense?  Does that mean that she is going to be talking to 3 other people to find out if the children are well adjusted etc?  

[DeterminedForTheBest]

Yes, it does make sense. :)

[jojobear]

Does that mean that she is going to be talking to 3 other people to find out if the children are well adjusted etc?

[DeterminedForTheBest]

Yes. ;o)

[jojobear]

have you been in this situation b4?

[DeterminedForTheBest]

Myself, no, but what is going to happen is the GAL will speak to 3 different people, to verify that the children are well adjusted in their home.

Edited to add:

3 different people who probably see the children often, and can vouch for their adjustment, and how well they're doing in your home. I.E. teachers, counselors, etc.

[jojobear]

and what will be asked of the NRP (Non residitual parent) because she will not have the answers, not the sources to pull from?  

[DeterminedForTheBest]

She doesn't need to be asked anything, because as you've already stated she wouldn't know the answers.

These people are going to be people that know you, your children, and the living situations, etc.

[dipper]

I agree that there is nothing wrong in buying children things - unless the purpose is to bribe them.  In your case, it sounds like the mom has been buying things in order to encourage them to want to live with her.  It's not only unfair, it teaches greed, and manipulation.  

We have been facing this situation.  Dh's ex never has bought the sons much.  Oldest son lived with dh, while youngest lived with her.  We just got married last year - and she moved youngest two hours away about two weeks before our marriage.  Now, next week is the court date to decide final custody, as dh took her to court when she moved.  In the past two weeks, her buddies/employees have been buying ss many gifts and taking him out for fun in the evening while she works.  These are 20'ish people evidently with nothing else to do but play.  It has been influencing ss.  He got a new video game and a new watch for being sooo good in school - yes, he went three days without a report from a teacher - we have since gotten word that he just wasnt pushing buttons too much, but was misbehaving.  Still, three days after dh got after him for an email concerning him being close to suspension again - her friends buy him gifts for being good.

I have been very fortunate - I dont have these hassles with my ex.  There are things that irritate me to no end about him - and I am sure its how he feels about me.  But, If I see him, I can talk to him and the children dont have to wait for the explosion - I just will not put my girls through that..........

Your children may truly want a relationship with their mom.  My oldest step son has told us that he knows all the crap his mom does and he has still felt guilty at times.  I feel yss is going through this too.  

Make sure the gifts are stressed to the judge.  Children can be bought......