Custody Modification...Need unbaised advice

[jmlsal]

Hello All,

New here, 1st post. My daughter is 10, me and her mother have joint custody with reasonable visatation for me. Her mother is the custodial parent.  We live in the same county and I am only 10 minutes away from daughter's mothers house and her school. Me and her mother were never married. I have been married for 4 years to a wonderful lady. Own my own home, we both have great jobs and my wife has 2 kids of her own ages 15 boy and 13 girl that are with us 24/7.

Now my question is my ex has recently been divorced from her husband, who was abusive to her in front of daughter. She has now allowed this man to move back in (they also have a daughter togather). He recently was busted for a DUI. He can not drive to work so he just doesn't go. Instead he takes my daughter and his daughter to school and picks them up again. His license are suspended, so are his plates on his truck.

I went to a lawyer back when I first found out that the abuse was going on and he said it's a long drawn out battle that will cost you 10,000 or more. You have the burden of proof and you need to hire a GAL. You only have a 50% chance of winning. I was so disappointed and thought I'd just keep a good eye on the situation. My daughter was spending 5 nights a week at her grandma's house b/c her mother had to work from 7am-3pm. Ex has total control over when I see daughter and if I make her mad then my daughter doesn't get to come over. I asked that daughter be allowed to come over on my days off work (i work 14 days a month 12 hour days or nights) ex refused b/c some of them were school nights. I must tell ex what plans I have with daughter in order for me to get daughter. If I just want her to come over ex will make excuses. Daughter has been punished by ex , being grounded from my house for not listening or talking back or getting a bad grade on her spelling test. Ex and new wife do not talk b/c ex is rude and very nasty to my wife and her kids when ex calls our house. I have documented everything you can imagine and have all court documents of all the abuse allegations, her divorce and all the times ex won't allow daughter to come over, or when she's called and lied or just didn't bother to answer her cell(no land line phone) when I called and left messages.

I have a new lawyer I am going to see on Wednesday and I sure hope this one is better than the last. I want to change myself to the custodial parent and have her mother have detailed visitation. What in the world are my chances??????
Quick notes: I pay 100.00 weekly cs
pay all of insurance and pay all of dr's bills and dentist bills (ex doesn't take daughter to dr or dentist b/c she might have to pay the deductible or for the prescriptions)
I buy all school supplies and pay for all school lunches
I buy clothes for my house and ex's house for daughter
All winter boots, coats, hats, mittens, etc.
I pay for all sports and sport equipment only to have ex pull daughter from sports to punish her for something.
Court order states that we split what insurance doesn'y pay, ex has never paid for any of this. I am in the process of paying for daughters braces at 3500.00 and ex hasn't given me a dime for anything. I just want my daughter to be taken care of.

I know this is very long, lots of years of bullcrap. I need advice before I go to another lawyer.  I feel I have more than a 50% chance of winning.
Do any of you?????????

[Hardware Queen]

Thought I'd try to address your post, as it has gone unanswered. I'm not an attorney, nor have I ever pursued a change of custody, but I've been on SPARC and other boards long enough to have learned from others.

Your state may have particular regulations that apply to modifying custody, so that is the first place you should consult.

Your attorney is correct that the modification could cost upwards of $10,000. I know of several people who have spent many times that amount attempting to obtain custody from a hostile party with resources. Others have been successful going pro se (representing themselves in court).

Generally, the change must be in the best interest of the child. Also, a "substantial change of circumstances" must have taken place since the CO was entered, in order for a modification to be granted. http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/circumstances.htm lists some factors that may be considered by your local jurisdiction.

A KEY factor is - get ready for this - accentuating the positive. Slamming the mother's character or parenting style will cause your case to backfire. You will come off as just another dad who is trying to get out of paying child support (which BTW is NOT my impression of you).

It sounds as if you are doing well with documentation. Use the Time Tracker found on SPARC or just keep a well-organized notebook with tabs that you can easily flip to in court if/when the time comes. Date, time, explanation of circumstances. Keep track of all you provide for your daughter. Keep track of the expenses she has not reimbursed you for. Keep track of the times you are able to have her in your care but she is sent to Grandma's instead.

The fact that you are the primary provider for your daughter and your ex does not even buy her the necessities may help your case.

Her SO even being in the house could be a huge factor. Not to mention that he is driving your daughter around on a suspended license.

Her denying parenting time as punishment could work for you. At the very least, she is in contempt for not paying her share of medical and denying visitation. AFAIK, it does not cost anything to file a contempt charge with the court.

Do you have a feel for whether your daughter wants to live with you? I am not proposing that you promise her a pony if she moves in, but has she ever expressed this desire? Some states will take the child's opinion into account, depending on their age and maturity.

Whether you pursue a change in custody or not, your CO needs to be updated.
(1) The phrase "reasonable visitation" only works when both parties are reasonable. It needs to go! Check with your state or county to see if they have a boilerplate for a "standard" parenting plan or for shared custody. A sample of a "standard" plan can be found here: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm. Shared plan: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan8.htm. I can post mine if you like.
(2) Another specific your should add is "right of first refusal" which means if either parent is unavailable, the other parent is the first one contacted to care for the child.

Well, I got long-winded, yet there is so much more I could say. To sum up, YES I think you have a good chance of winning. But, other factors could prevail: the traditional bent of your locality toward mothers having custody; your ex being able to present herself well (ie lie) in court; whether the judge is having a good day; etc. Good luck, and keep us posted.

[Stepmom0418]

AFAIK, it does not cost anything to file a contempt charge with the court.


I have to disagree .........I think it depends on the state because DH and I just filed and paid a filing fee of $50.00 to file them with the court. Then we paid $25.00 to have the contempt papers served on ex as well.

[Hardware Queen]

Even an agreed-upon change in child support cost me $100 to file.

I meant when you compare it to filing for modification of custody. It's all relative. He could pay $50-$100 filing fees and recover thousands in unreimbursed medical from his ex.