How do you "gently" tell a 12-yo child that the things he has told you will be r...

[tmb8076]

Poor SS.  

We have depositions on Friday.  Our attorney informed DH that he must reveal what SS has told us about his stepfather being verbally abusive to him.

I had hoped that the only person SS would have to talk to about this would be the judge in April on the day of our trial.

Since we have depositions, our attorney said we must reveal what we know.  Now, SS will have to endure the hell of probably getting in trouble for telling us what goes on in his mother and stepfather's house.

The attorney told DH that he could "gently" talk to SS about it, to make sure it is true and to let him know that his mom will find out.  He is going to be scared.

We have learned from SS and his stepbrother that SS's mom and stepdad have loud arugments often, a lot of screaming, and that SS's mom hits his stepfather on occasion, throws things at him, etc.  

The times that they have found out that SS or his stepbrother have told anything, they are grounded and threatened.  

I just don't know how DH can approach this topic lightly!

The good thing...SS will be with us from Wed (tomorrow) through Tuesday morning when he goes back to school.  So on Friday, when she explodes after learning what we know...she will not be able to harm SS.

[Kitty C.]

.....that she uses Fri. thru Tues. to calm down.

Your DH breaking it to him lightly is NOT the problem here.  It's the BM hearing about it at the depo and taking it out on SS.  But I would also inform your atty. that before ANY information that either you or your DH give in your depo regarding this MUST be countered with your hesitancy to bring forth this information, for fear of retribution on SS.  Somehow, you've got to get the possibility of retribution (based on past experience) against SS in that legal document.

We've had the same problem in the past....where it got to the point that SS would literally look right thru me like I wasn't even there if he saw me in public while he was with the PBFH or SF.  He would get punished for ME saying 'hi' to him!  Unfortunately, things have deteriorated so badly between SS and his mom that he just doesn't give a damn anymore.  But I'd still be concerned about his returning on Tues., because with what info you've given, it's likely that the SF will have been stewing over this all that time, too.

So before he goes back, make sure he has a plan, in case things go south.  That he can get out of the home safely and swiftly, has a place to go close by where he can call 911 and/or you, or whatever it takes to make sure he's safe if they try to take revenge on him.

[nosonew]

I agree, make sure he knows he CAN and SHOULD call 911 if he is scared. Good luck and keep us informed!

[tmb8076]

I love the idea of letting it be known that we are reluctantly sharing this information out of concern that SS will be in trouble.  

That is definitely something that DH wants to say right at the start.  

I am going to pray hard that things go well.   That it all comes out all right.  

DH is going to talk to SS either before or after depositions. I am not sure which...probably after since we will know better then how BM reacted..

Our attorney believes we will have a GAL appointed after the depositions and they will be able to speak on his behalf.  

[wendl]

prayers to your son, I know how hard it is for kids this age, my son is almost 13 and man dealing with school, puberty is bad enough.

Let him know that you didn't want to tell and tried to keep it quiet for his sake but you also needed to let the attorney know because this stuff needs to stop.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[tmb8076]

Thank you for your kind words.  Yes, this is a hard age anyway without him having to deal with this other BS!!  Poor kid.  He will be 13 in a few months.  

We are going to do our best to let him know that we are doing what our lawyer has advised and what we believe to be in his best interest.  That is all we can do.  

[nosonew]

OH, this will be rough...I remember many moons ago when dh had to tell the powers that be the ss was bathing with his mom...he was 7 or 8 then. Way too old for that (NOT same sex parent)... He never felt he could trust him again. However he told me what he said he couldn't tell his dad, knowing I would tell his dad. ((shrug))

Good luck...

[tmb8076]

I know it will be rough....I am totally dreading it!!

My only hope is that since SS is older now (12-1/2), he will not be as scared of his mom.  He is a young man now, and loves to be around his dad.  My husband is a great dad, and he is good to his son, strict, but loving, which is a SHARP contrast to his stepfather who is a rude, rude man, whose own son doesn't respect him.   SS loves to be at our house, especially in the summer, six weeks (two week intervals).  He doesn't want to leave when it is time!  His stepbrother DREADS the short two weeks he has to spend at his dad's house.  Totally different from my SS!

So, that may be the thing that pushes SS to stand up to all of this, with the help of a GAL or the judge.  I think he is ready to make that move....but I know it is going to be so hard for him to stand up to his mom and stepfather who are so controlling.