Locating NCP!

[aidansmom]

Hi I need some advice!  My son is 4 1/2 and has not seen his bio father in almost 3 yrs. (He doesn't even realize that my fiance is not his dad) But anyway, bio dad has not paid CS in over a year and is 6k behind! I am constantly calling the county CS office and the State office! I live in WI~ The tell me everytime "we are doing all that we can to locate him! I think this is total BS!  I gave him an address he gave me last year which is in Knoxville TN ( he said this is where i receive my mail)  and supposedly he is no longer at that address.  So they have not done anything! So last month I wrote letters to the head of WI DCF and WI Dept of Human Services, and what I received was a joke! A form requesting all the info on the bio dad! Like I know! And it stated that "if i did not return form in 10 days completed I would be in contemp"! What the heck is that all about!?

Any advice on how I can locate him ( his myspace page is private but states he is in Knoxville as of  11/20) and find out where he is working?  Any help appreciated!
~Amber

[Kitty C.]

One statement you made in your post I find somewhat disturbing.  You say your child is 4 1/2 but doesn't 'realize' that your fiance is NOT his dad?  When are you planning to tell him???

Let me tell you what can happen to a child when they are 'allowed' to believe something that important and is not corrected.  SS was 4 y.o. when DH and I married.  BM remarried exactly 2 weeks after we did.  Later that year, on a weekend visitation, SS had brought a sports bag with toys in it, something he had done in the past.  I had never payed close attention to it, but one weekend something caught my eye right before DH was due to take SS back to BM's.  Along the zipper, the BM had printed SS's name, but had used HER new last name, not SS's real last name (which is DH's, of course).

So while DH was taking SS back, he asked SS if SS knew what his last name was...and when SS said his name, he gave BM's!  DH told him no, his name is the same as DH's, and SS started to cry!  When they got to BM's, DH confronted her with it and, come to find out, SS had assumed his name had changed when BM got married, just like BM's did, but she never bothered to corrected him or tell him otherwise.  It got straightened out right then and there, including that SS could call no one Dad except DH, because apparently she was leaning in that direction, too.  Talk about confusing the poor kid! 

So it appears your son is assuming your fiance is his dad and you are allowing him to do that.  Correct it now, while he's still young and able to adjust to the 'change'.  What happens if it doesn't work out with the fiance?  Is every man you have a serious relationship with going to be called Dad?  And it doesn't make any difference if he never sees his real father.  If you aren't honest with him now, and wait too many years to tell him the truth, you will have some serious problems on your hands, because he will think he can't trust you.  If you lie by omission, he will wonder later what else you're holding back.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but this is your child's belief system you're messing with....not a good thing.

[aidansmom]

Kitty~
I do agree and understand what you are saying.  I do plan on telling my DS the whole truth and unfortunatly for my DS it is a harsh truth, at this time I do not think he will understand.  What his Bio father did to me is terrible, but that is for another time.  I have been with my fiance since I was 5 months pregnant and he may not be a bio father to him but he is his dad! No if ands or buts!

I have tried on several occassions to set up visitations with my DS and his Biofather but he either doesn't show up or calls to say that he can't make it.  The last time I drove 3 hrs to meet him and he never showed up.  After about 5 phone calls he answered and said he had to go back to Florida early.  He knows where I live in WI which is about 3 hrs away from where my parents live, but thinks that stopping at my parents house to see my DS (which its been about 2yrs since he has done that last) is and attempt to see my DS.  I have also tried to get my DS to speak with biofather on the phone but he refuses because he doesn't know who he is, even after I try to explain (hence my thoughts that he is to young). 

I would love to have him term his rights after my fiance and I are married and have my future husband adopt him, but I know he will refuse.  He likes to brag that he has 3 children in 3 states by 3 women.  According to his sister and mother it is a control issue for him. 

We have tried mediation via phone since he lives out of state some where and wont tell me or the courts where he is, but that was unsuccessful.  I wrote up a visitation agreement and he said he would never consider what i was offering.  On the other hand I would never consider what he was offering either. 

Sorry if I went off on a tangent, I need to vent quite badly!

[Giggles]

Here are a couple websites that could aid you in your search...

http://www.zabasearch.com/ (http://www.zabasearch.com/) <- type in their name and what state you think they live in....could help in locating him

http://www.phonevalidator.com/ (http://www.phonevalidator.com/) <-  if you have a phone number for him, this will tell you if it's a cell or land line and possibly where it is located out of.

I was in a simular situation....I was 6 months pregnant when my YD's father walked out.  I finally got him into court for CS and at that time he told the judge he didn't want anything to do with our daughter.  When my YD just turned 6 y/o, her Pappy (His Father...I kept in contact with his family) died and I took her to the funeral knowing he was going to be there.  This was the first time in 6 years that he saw YD.  He apologized to me about the way he acted, told me she was the most beautiful little girl he's ever seen and begged me to let him get to know her.  I thought about it, talked to his sister's (we still remained in contact due to YD) and agreed to allow him to meet her.  They did develop a relationship but sadly, he wasn't consistant and would go months without calling or seeing her.  She's now 9 y/o and calls him to the carpet when he does call.  She tells him how upset he makes her when she doesn't hear from him.  If I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now....I would have never agreed to him meeting her...but as they say hindsight is always 20/20.

My advice is to just forget about your X and build your life with your fiance.  As for the CS....I know how frustrating that can be because I went through the same thing...only my X was over 18K in arrears.  Your best bet is just to give DCS what info you have and then sit back....the good thing is...that CS arrears will continue to build...your X will not be able to get a passport and will have his credit reports tagged.  Eventually it will catch up with him....

Good luck!

[janM]

You may be able to have Dad's rights terminated involuntarily:
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/termWI.php (http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/termWI.php)

If you don't, I agree that you should never lie to a child about something as important as their parentage. If you have a picture of Dad, show it to the child and say, that's your Daddy, or Daddy "John" or whatever.

If Dad someday decides to come around, and files for visitation, it will be awkward trying to explain to Junior who this man is. And if he ever established paternity (or if he does so later), he absolutely will have the right to ask for time with his child. You can ask that there be an introductory period. If he comes and goes, have a counsellor work with the child to deal with the feelings that would come with that.

If you can sever Dad's rights, most states require that you be married for at least a year before attempting a step parent adoption. Even if you can do that, I think Junior is entitled to the knowledge that his "Dad" adopted him. The same as any adopted child.

[mmaines]

two words:
UIFSA
OCSE