Advise needed on relocating (kind of long)

[beststepmomever]

Hello,

This is the first time posing here so ... be gentle :)...

I'm the step-mother of my husbands two boys... the current custody arrangement is joint with no custodial parent (close to 50/50) DH and I have been wanting to move for a while now and feel that now is the time. However BM will not agree to it. We want to move approx. 150-200 miles away and don't want to "take the kids away from their mom", and things are not horrible where we are... however there would be so much more opportunity for the children out there.

BM had agreed to go to a mediator and so an appointment had been set up - then when DH gave here the specifics of the date and time - she backed out saying she wanted 30 days to get her paperwork around. DH and I have been completely honest with her regarding our intentions so she really has nothing to fear... however we were hoping that mediation would help us beable to know where she is coming from as she will not talk to either one of us about her thoughts/feelings.

Anyway, we ended up meeting with the mediator alone and he was able to offer much needed information.

And I know that moving children in and of itself causes a bit of drama... however DH and I really would like some advice or thoughts on how to talk BM civily at our re-scheduled mediation about how this move would not change their relationship...

Because BM works until 5pm, and DH works graveyard shifts, he is able to pick them up from school and he is the one who makes sure they are taken care of educationally (and more) but he is the one with contact with the teacher and makes sure things are going well (both children are receiving special help through the district/and state and it requires a lot for work on DH's part). There are also alot of financial benefits for us moving (which opens up many more doors of opportunity) We don't want her to have no contact with them, however DH will not move without her agreeing to let the boys live with us during the school year.

We have offered the following compromise to try to agree:
2-3 weekends a month (2/3 of the driving on us)
Spring Break, Thanksgiving & Christmas
Summers (with kids coming home every other weekend)

And this actually equals almost exactly the parenting time she has now... however she will not agree to it???

DH & I truly see this as being in the best interst of the kids and the kids want to move... they ask about it all the time...

Please give us some help... some advice... something to look forward to...

Thank you so much in advance!

[DecentDad]

Hi,

I've never encountered a scenario with two healthy parents where a move was in the kids' best interest.  I'm open to hearing about one, but I have yet to see compelling reasons for it.

I'd ask back to you... would you and the father be okay with the REVERSE of the schedule you proposed?  If not, then why are you acting like the mother is being unreasonable?

The best advice I can offer is to examine ways where the move would be best for the mother too.  Meaning... figure out a way where all three adults would be happy moving 150 miles away to your desired locale.

The parenting plan would be preserved, the kids would have very frequent and quality contact with the parents, and no one would be unhappy.

That's a very creative solution, and it will ensure NO damage is done to anyone.

I may be completely off-base on this, but I would guess that not many people on these discussion boards will be a big cheerleader for what you're trying to do.

Just food for thought.

DD

[beststepmomever]

"I've never encountered a scenario with two healthy parents where a move was in the kids' best interest. I'm open to hearing about one, but I have yet to see compelling reasons for it."

Totally agreed - however I don't know if I'd describe their BM as a "healthy parent", I don't think there is proof to say she is an unfit parent either. There is a CPS file and an OOP against her and her boyfriends 13 yr old son. I could go into more detail - but I would rather not get myself riled up right now :)

"I'd ask back to you... would you and the father be okay with the REVERSE of the schedule you proposed? If not, then why are you acting like the mother is being unreasonable?"

Yes, that is exactly what we are proposing for the summer months... the only thing we want is whats best for the kids. When I mentioned the (almost 50/50), that is how the paperwork is written - she actually has only been seeing them once a week and every other weekend.

So I guess I didn't explain our "side" very well from the start. lol - I did say, be gentle...

I do understand what you are saying about not many cheerleaders being here... however, how other than just knowing, can you really tell what's in the best interest of the child??? And I'm not trying to be sarcastic or funny or anything, I'm serious... when my 10 yr old SS is telling me that he can't wait to move and about all of the things he wants to do (however ridiculous lol), how can I turn that around for her to see? He tells her the same thing and she just tells him "you're just a kid - you don't know what you want".

Anyway, thanks for your response :)

[DecentDad]

Hi,

Okay, that's some helpful additional information.  Note my presumption was based on two healthy parents, because you didn't say otherwise.

I wouldn't try to use the kid's words to try to influence the mother.  You're already at risk of making her feel like an outsider and secondary parent, and to describe (however gently) that the kid wants to move far away can only make her feel worse.

It sounds like you described a current parenting plan where she gets one weekday plus every other weekend, plus school breaks and summer vacation.

If that's the case, I think you've got a very reasonable position to offer:

Three weekends per month (i.e., makes up for the lost mid-week periods), plus all the breaks you outlined, plus you doing 100% of the transportation.

100% of the transportation would be very reasonable of you, since you're wanting to create this distance between the homes.

My position has changed, in that you're not really disrupting the existing parenting schedule all that much.

I think a court would probably give you what you're asking, if it's in the neighborhood of what you're offering or with how I tweaked it a bit.

Regardless of the 2 or 3 weekends per month decision, you would come across to a judge as VERY reasonable by offering to do 100% transportation.

So... I'd suggest that you just verify that you have a good shot to get from a court what you're seeking (e.g., consult with an attorney who knows your judge), and then it really doesn't matter whether the mother wants to settle or not... you just do your best to settle, else go get your court orders to slightly modify the parenting plan.

DD

[beststepmomever]

DD,

Thank you so much for the insight... the current visitation is actually SUPPOSED to be Mon and Wed with mom, Tues and Thurs with dad and every other Fri, Sat and Sun... the way it ACTUALLY is dad picks kids up M-F from school and on Wed at 5pm, mom picks them up from dad's house. Every other Friday, she picks them up from dads at 5pm then brings them back Sun at 6pm (don't ask me why - that's just what she does) It has been this way since the youngest started kindergarten. He will be in 2nd grade next year. Oh, and this carries through into the summer... Monday and Wednesdays they go to moms then Tues and Thurs, they come back. Holidays are pretty much whoever has something going on. They are the only children on her side of the family so she says that "they will have more fun with you" because of the kids on his (and my) side of the family.

So in my opinion, this will not disrupt the relationship in the least.

Do you really think that 100% transportation would make that big of a differnece? I wouldn't want to offer it - but if really could make or break the arrangement - we'll do what we have to do.

Thanks again for all the feedback :)

[DecentDad]

No, I don't think the 100% will amount to a hill of beans to mom.

But... I think it's the right thing to offer (given that it's YOUR decision), but more importantly, I think a judge would be more impressed with how above-and-beyond you've gone to be fair and considerate with this thing.

There isn't very much difference for burden on YOU to go from 66% to 100%, but I think that slightly greater burden is offset by how a judge make look at the whole thing.

Because... at that point, the judge may ask himself, "Really, how is this unfair or much different for the mother in any regard?"

DD

[flewwellin]

In my opinion things like this should be discussed between the parents and the children kept completely out of the loop until it is definite either way.  Helps reduce the pain it may cause if they don't get what they want.  My DH and I had an issue similar to this last summer.  We were in the position of the BM in your sittuation.  (however we had more visitation with the kids than in your sittuation).  My step kids mother moved the kids 500+ miles away from everything they knew, for some of the same reasons you claim.  What you are proposing makes the visitations sound more like vacations for everyone involved opposed to an actual joint custody.  I'm sorry the subject is a little sore for me.  Regardless of what this woman has done in her life, as long as she is good to her children then she has every right to want to keep them close.  And think about a TRUE REVERSE sittuation.  If you had to agree to what she is being asked to agree upon, just because she is being allowed summer months doesn't make that a reverse sittuation.