custody of nephews (long)

[Shanni]

My husband and I have had our nephews living with us soon to be 3 yearsin feb.  We have had court custody of them since Sept 2006.  The boyscame to us due to mother having major legal issues and alcohol issues,being homeless and many other issues.  The father is unemployed and hasbeen for many years and lives with his mother.  These little guys werevery neglected in many ways from being sick, dirty, and needing dentalcare.  The youngest one had 4 cavities in his front 4 teeth, withactual holes through the 2 front teeth.  They had been living in dogfilth, with more food in the house for the animals than for them.  Withthis you can probably get the picture of how they were when theyarrived on my door step.

We have taken these children in like our own, and given them the stability that they deserve and are thriving very well now.

Mom has now decided that when she finishes with her incarceration that she will be attempting to take custody back. 

Issues that have arisen over the past 3 years since the boys have been living with us include:

1. Mother living with an abusive boyfriends.  Showing up at familygatherings with swollen faces, broken ankles, broken arms, In icu withbrain bleed from being in fights. From statements made from otherfamily members she is supposedly married to the latest abuser. 

2. Mother has made no attempt in the past 3 years that the boys were withus to establish any type of employement or betterment for herself.  Iunderstand she had the impending incarceration, however it took over 3years for them to get to that point in her legal issues and she livedoff everyone else. 

3.  3 attempts as sobriety that havefailed, sure she is dry now she has been in jail for 5 months.  Butthere is alot more to sobriety than being in a forced situation whereyou cant drink. 

4.  She has made threats to me concerning shewill take care of me when she gets out and that all I am doing is brain washing her children.  When in reality I have given up my careerfor her children to raise them and be here for them. 

There is more but this is enough to give you the basics of what is going with her.

Afterwe were given custody in Virginia we moved to ohio to be closer tofamily, and have been in ohio now for over 2 years.   Our custody orderis for full custody with mom having visitation.  Which in the past 21/2 years before her incarceration she visited with them 3 times.. andnone of these visits were when she was sober. 

Now the questions..

1.  How do you go about getting the venue of the custody moved to the current state?

2. Do I sit and do the wait and see what she is actually going to dobefore I throw my money at an attorney, keeping my papers all togetherand let her make the first move with this, knowing full well that shehas no money for all these things..

I am just trying toprotect these little guys.  The deserve a stable and home..The fatheris incabable of taking them as he supposedly is a bi-polar manicdepresent.  But this has never been diagnosed.

The ultimatesituation for these boys would be back with their mom, if she couldpull it together and give them a healthy, safe and nurturing  environmentto grow up in, but until we are sure that is what she has set up forthem we will fight for these little guys to keep them safe. 

Iknow that this forum is for parents, but it is also for the kids, andthat is why I am asking here for suggestions on how to deal with ths. 

[Giggles]

First let me say God Bless you for taking in those boys!!  It sounds like they are now thriving under your care and nurturing!

If I were faced with your situation, I think I would certainly have the custody venue changed to Ohio.  That could just be a simple filing through the court.  Check with the Clerk of the Court because you may not need a lawyer to do this.

Second, if you have tape recordings of the threats the mother is levying against you, or any kind of documentation to this effect, get a restraining order PRIOR to her being released!  Make sure this RO covers your WHOLE family including the boys!!

Third, IF<-and that is a big IF, she does try to retain custody, most certainly fight that.  Reccomend SUPERVISED visitation, drug and alcohol testing, etc.  An attorney may have other suggestions in that regard.

If I may ask, how old were the boys when they came to you?  Do you have them in counseling?  If not, I would certainly suggest this IF (again) their Mother comes back into their lives!  What kind of communication do you have with the BM now?  Just a suggestion to possibly help reduce the animosity she has toward you is to possibly send her a letter once a month with updated pictures, some school papers, copies of report cards, etc.  Perhaps you letting her know how they are doing may help her understand that you are LOVING her children and helping them....not brainwashing??

[Shanni]

Thank you .. it has been a pleasure to take care of these little guys.. They were 3 and 5  when they came to live with us, and are currently 6 and 8. 

I do have them in counseling and it is working well for them.  The school guidance counselor is working with them also. 

The Threat was sent through an email that I have a copy of, and am currently contacting the local prosecutor's office to a protection order against her. 

I have tried the being nice with her, tried to keep her involved with what is going on in their lives only to have it come back and bite me several times.  She has been told that until she can apologize to me for her actions towards me to not contact me.  So she tries through my husband who is her brother and gets no where with him.  I have tried to get the boys to write to her and they really have no interest in it.  Currently while she is incarcerated she only has mail contact with her.  I was allowing phone calls 2 times a month with us paying the collect charges, however she has keeps trying to control them and trying to call more often, and filling the boys with her empty promises.  Which messes with their stability at home. So these calls have been stopped.  These little guys need to continue to know they are safe here and that she is not going to come take them from what they have seen as a family life here.  They have been told that it is not up to us or their mother to decide where they are going to live that a judge has to decide.. 

I am currently looking at the visitation to make it supervised, with drug and alcohol testing done prior to them seeing her as I have told her that there would not be anymore visits with her being under the influence of any mind altering drug. 

I am just so afraid for these little guys,  they deserve so much more than they were dealt in that package of parents ..

[Giggles]

My reason for asking their ages is because some judges take into consideration the wishes of the child.  It sounds to me like you are doing things right.  I would even consider going one step further and having her parental rights terminated, then adopting them? 

Get the RO against her.  Get the visitation changed to Supervised with stipulations (drug testing, etc).  If you haven't already, document EVERYTHING!  Keep copies of the boy's school records (school work, report cards, etc) to show their progress.  Get copies of the boy's medical/dental records espeically at the time you first got them.

[Kitty C.]

And hopefully....if she wants to push the issue all the way to court and you get a humane judge, I think her actions (both past and present) will speak for her.  BUT....dot your i's and cross your t's anyway.  Get an atty. and let him/her know that if this does end up in court, you want a psych. eval. to determine if she should even see the boys yet (maybe she needs some counseling before visitation resumes), supervised visitation ONLY if she's clean (and she has to pay for the drug testing EVERY time, too), an RO against her to protect you, and sanctions against her if she fails on any of this.  Make sure she has a time limit to get this done as well, or she will drag her feet the whole way.

Suggestion for sanction:  if she fails 3 drug tests (NOT consecutively), she will have to give up her parental rights.  Sounds harse, but those poor boys have been through he!! and back and she shouldn't be allowed to mess them up anymore than they already are.  On the RO, make sure that any violation to the RO is a criminal offense, not civil, and that this includes physically within so many feet, via phone, e-mail and any social Internet network.

And hope for the best.....who knows, maybe she's all blow and no-show.  Maybe she won't have the money for an atty. (and any SMART atty. should ask for fees up front with her!).  And maybe the judge will laugh in her face and say 'Are you for real??' when she makes her demands.  Hey, anything's possible! 

[Katies_Dad]

Document, Document, Document.
Document everything. Every conversation, every threat, every innuendo, every change in behavior of the children. Bring report cards, bring every single piece of evidence that shows the children are thriving with you.
Get sworn affidavits from anyone with first hand knowledge of her behaviour, get statements from teachers, daycare providers, doctors, dentists, everyone...
In court, information is power, evidence is power. Keep it factual, and free from extreme emotion. Make it clear that what you want is in the best interests of the children.

The only way to ensure the best results is to have the best evidence, rest easy in the fact that the mother likely won't do the legwork to prove that the children belong with her.