What should i do? it is long sorry

[mickey24]

My son will be 4 in aug. I live in ny. I have full custody of him with visation on my grounds. NO set visation time with his father. He has not seen his father from april in 2002 to now. He stoped calling about the same time he stoped seeing him. I got married to my husband in Nov 2001. My sons father beat me up when i was preg i allmost lost him and my wrist was broken. So when my son was born by c-section early and had to be airlifted to a better hospital. They would not transfer me to the same hospital. My sons father's mother was called to tell her that I was having the baby by emer c-section. I was close to her, and she is a nice person. She just has a son that is a drunk. When she found out about the baby having to be airlifted she called her son who showed up the next day to see me. I knew she told him so I had Both hospitals on watch for him mine and my sons. He came in and the police for the hospital were right behind him. He talked to me for a few min and then left. He said he was going to go and see the baby. So i called the babys hospital and they watched for him.  I signed AMA from my hospital when my sons hospital called and said that he was trying to make medical treatment changes over what me and the doc had said that we would do. I went to the court house in my county and got emer custody and a order that only i can make all medical choices for the baby. It stated that he could see the baby but some one had to be there a staff person. My sone was in the NICA for 10 days We had to go back to court for custody about a month later and he did not show up so i got full custody and got to say when he saw the baby. He is a over the road truck driver so him mom would know when he was comming in and she would tell me. So i could know that he would be calling to see the baby. I never stoped him from see his son, i just let allways had someone with me when he came over. Most of the time it was my dad, he was the only person biger that him. Ok so we get to april he called out of the bule i did not know he was home for the weekend. can i see the baby he had not seen him in 6 weeks so i said sure i had plands but would stay home so he could see the baby. My husband was home he did not know yet that we had gotten married. I gave him the baby when he came to the house he came in and sat on the floor to play with him i when in to the kitchen were i could see him but was not in the same room My husband was in the same room putting up a shelf that i wanted up. He put are wedding pic up on the shelf. My son's father saw it sat the baby down and walked out with out saying a thing to anyone. He had been there for about 15 min and i told him he could stay for a hour to two hours due to not having seen him in 6 weeks. We have not here from him except in court from then to last week. He called my husband cell phone out of the bule last week. Wanting to talk to me. He has seen my husband brother and had asked for are # and my husband brother did not want to give him are home # so he gave him the cell #. OK sorry i know this is long. he wants to start seeing his son and wants to have him call him daddy. the only dad my son has ever know is my husband. Is it wroung to tell him he has not not tell him or that he has to call him something like uncal. He has not seen him in over 3 years. Help PLease

[Giggles]

I'm in a simular situation myself only my daughter's father has never stepped up to the plate...sadly :-(

From the gist of your post you want your son to call his Bio-father Uncle Cal?  In my opinion this is wrong...I do realize that he hasn't been around, but if he now wants to form that relationship, he should have the right.  Your son is 4 and should understand and in the same token, you should speak to your X and tell him..."look you haven't been around and the last time you saw son..he was a baby...It's only natural for him to form a Father/son bond with my hubby".  It might be best to start slow an hour or two at a "Neutral" location say a McD's playplace or park.  Talk to your son about his bio-father and the difference between him and his Step-father.  Kids are remarkably smart and depending on how YOU handle the situation...they should do just fine.

[wendl]

I would have to agree with Giggle.

MY ex didn't see our son until our son was 5 months old, then he saw him on occassion (his parents say our son all the time).  Thru the years he would show up after a yr and want to play Daddy (usually when he got a new girlfriend). ....fast forward... When my son turned 6 he decided he wanted to be a part of our sons life, so we went back to court, the judge ordered supervised visitation as he had not seen his child in 2yrs (I was able to choose who was to supervise and decided his parents would be the best) Well that last about 2 months.   My son is now 13 he rarely sees his father, I have been with my dh since my son was 8. HOWEVER my son knows who is bio-logical father is, it is my childs choice to figure out on his own what a looser his dad really is (which he has let me tell you).

So with my experience, I would suggest supervised visitation, do not make your child call his bio dad by Uncle that is wrong, you could suggest Father, dad or daddy da da whatever.  In time your child will decide what to call him.

For example my son calls his grandfather whom he is close and comfortable with Papa, the other not so great grandfather he refer to as grandpa.  Hope this is making sense.

I know it is hard, but it will be harder later in life if you hide things from the kids.

Best wishes.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[dontunderstand]

I am sorry about your situation, it is awful place for you, your son and your husband to be in.  My daughter's dad has been in and out of her life for since she was 1 yr old, she is now 5.  My DH has been in her life for the last 3 1/2yrs and he has been her "dad"  even though her dad calls every blue moon.  Unfortunately for me and for you the Bio will always be the dad, however, fortunately for our children they have someone that loves and cares for them more then the men that helped create them.  For us that is her "bonus dad" I don't know if that will work for you or your situation, but it makes things easier so they know that you realize that is their bio dad and that you aren't trying to change that, but doesn't discredit the real dads in their lives.
Also, during a period my ex was seeing her, he did not ensure her safety, a nice way of saying he or someone knows, did inappropriate things with her and too her, we were never sure as to whom because she was so young. I went and filed a custody modification and got supervised visitation and becasue he couldn't stop from disrespecting me  during his visits I requested that visits took place with a 3rd party.  I don't know how that would be for your situation, but then he  can see his son and you know that he is safe and you don't have to be in fear or disrespected either...
I hope this helped!

[mickey24]

i also have a new twist on everything when he called to noght to ask about his son he told my husband that he was his REAL dad. He also said some sexual thing towards me. About how he misses me and how he would like to F*** me. I hung up. He called back my husband told him if he want to call  to find out about his son he better cut that out.  My husband  also informed him the the custody paper say that i do not have to let him see his son unless i want to let him.  Which he said he will be getting fixed soon. So off to court we probally will be going.  It I do not thing will go good for him he is over $7900.00 in arears. He is to be paying 85 a week in support and 88.50 a week in day care.