Question

[Momfortwo]

Good Point Ocean...Right now, my lawyer is digging up dirt on her.  I don't know if that is the right path or not....Opinions?

No dirt you dig up is going to overcome the dirt she has on you. 

Child abandonment is pretty serious.   You aren't getting custody.  And if your attorney is telling you differently, then I don't think you told your attorney everything. 

BTW, just what do you think digging up dirt on your kids' mother and trying to tear them away from her is going to do to your kids?  It certainly isn't going to show them that you love them.  All you would be doing is showing them what a petty and vindictive person you are. 

And you have no right to be petty and vindictive considering that you VOLUNTARILY ABANDONED your children for 5 years. 

Again, your money would be better spent paying off your child support arrears, paying for counseling to help your children deal with what you did to them than fighting a losing battle.

[Kalkir]

Somewhere, I get the sense these kids are not what you are thinking about.  In this case, the mom is not leaving to spite you; she is going due to the career of the main provider in the family.  You digging up dirt on her has nothing to do with the kids, but everything to do with you winning.  Do not follow one set of mistakes with another set: walking out is not replaced by fighting tooth and nail.  If anything, you are feeding both heads of the custody battle dragon: inter-parental hostility and loss of parental contact.  Put the kids first, and focus on what will work for everyone.  It is not about who gets their way; it is about where will the kids thrive best.


As for the kids grades dropping, it could also be due to the fact that they are out of their normal routine and adjusting to reuniting with you.  But YOU should be concerned about their grades, and see where you can turn that around.  And not to impress the judge, but because you love your kids.

[Angus571]

MomofTwo....I haven't taken anything you have said as harsh condescending.  That message was intended for one person.  Sorry.

I truely appreciate everyone's advice...Thank You!

Angus.

[Angus571]

By me fighting for more, I could lose more?  My understanding is that the Judge will try to find middle ground...I'm I wrong?

[ocean]

If this went to court for a judge to decide he/she wont care and give you the "usual" visitation for long distance in your state unless the lawyers work something else out. Right now, mom is offering (you  think) ALL of the kids breaks. You cant "win" any more than that plus she is willing to pay for airfare right now. In court, she can change that and say she wants every other spring/winter break and part of the summer and she will pay for 3 of 4 trips or something like that...You may end of paying for some of the airfare and not get ALL breaks.

So unless you have a GOOD chance of changing custody, you have the best long distance deal on the table now. How long have you been back with the kids? What is the schedule now? They are doing every other weekend with you. sleeping over?

[Angus571]

I have been back in the kids lives for about a year now and in the summer we agreed to week on week off.  Yes they do sleep over at my house.

[ocean]

Wow..okay that changes things a little. Since August you have had them every other week, bring them to school, the whole bit?? You live in the same school district?
and
Do the kids want to move? How old are they? If you went to court, a LG will interview them and see what they want and tell that to the court. If they are old enough they can go on the stand themselves.

[MomofTwo]

Or did you mean starting THIS summer week on, week off? and is that court ordered?

[Angus571]

I had them ever weekend, that was court ordered the beginning of this year (Feb).  Then we went to mediation and I lost a weekend a month, but we worked out every other week just for the summer.  That is where we stand now, 3 weekends a month during school and week on week of during summer.

[Davy]

It appears to me you are doing all the right things concerning the children and especially the congenial and respectful communication you have with the mother.  The children are most fortunate to have two nuturing and caring parents.  In many aspects you may have significant cause for the children to remain in their current environment  in contrast to being uprooted and relocated across the country. No matter the picture that will be painted concerning the relocate ... new job, family, schools, hospitals, visitation, willingness to cooperate,etc. the truth is that a relocate is sometimes difficult for an intact family.  Add to that scenario separated parents, jurisdictional issues which may arise, and more over the children's knowledge that a parent has been left behind and is not close by.  Your stated desire is to be part of the children's life ... that means their education/social/athletic/church involvements, etc. Those involvements are  simply unattainable when a geographical distance has been created for what ever reason(s).   The children activities and needs and wants will naturally change as they age.  Also, in the future, things CAN CHANGE in the mother's life to the point she is a completely different person and doesn't even know herself.    A relocation of the children is a MAJOR issue with significant ramifications and repercussions.  Much has been written and laws and more laws have been created over a long period of time.  Please do your self (and mother) and the children a favor by researching this site and other sources concerning moveaways, relocations, interstate custody, UCCJA and PKPA and even the Office of Juvenile Justice. You might consider presenting a situation whereas the children remain in the home state with you and the mother does all the traveling back and forth (or some variation thereof). When everything is given careful consideration then such a situation is best all the way around for all concerned. It would be much more fair and practical to the children, especially as they grew older, if mom would keep her home base in the local community and she does the transport to and fore to visit her hubby or relocate with her hubby and do the transport to and for to visit the children.  After all, mom and hubby are both adults with predicable daily routine lives that could easily adjust to changes.  For example, if the children had a special event on a Wednesday then both parents could more easily participate and you could gleefully welcome her upon arrival... a great role model for the children.  Many children have grown and prospered when dad is the primary just as they seem to with mom as the primary. The children would have more involvement with  both parents and would not have to live their lives around transportation schedules, visitation periods, and wondering when mom's hubby is going to have another career move and they'll be uprooted again to parts unknown.  Transportation costs would be reduced and flight schedules would be more tolerable for an adult. It has been my experience that the children benefit best when reasonable parents focus on the children and think outside the status quo box. That would be my hope for your children. Do you think it is possible the mother might consider such an agreement ?  It might be worthy and have some value in the eyes of the court. Great job taking a stand for your children.  Best to them and all.