will specific days regarding custody help me?

[tiger]

Hi 
I have a nine year old daughter who I see two times during the week (weekdays) and I also get her during vacation times
and when she is out of school. There is really no specifics in our custody paperwork showing exactly what days
I'm suppose to have. We both have always agreed by word of mouth, but that doesnt seem to be the case now. Ever since
I have moved on with my life and remarried and expecting another child my ex has changed big time.
Right now I have to ask her if I can have my daughter on certain days and when my vacation
days come up etc.... Is there a way I can get papers filed for custody basically only stating the days that I want my have my daughter, so
my ex won't keep on telling me that she decides what days I should have her?
for example I want her two days durning week during schook, when I take my vacations during the year, and three
days during the week when school is out, and every other year for all holidays?? I'm not changing anything, but things
right now need to be more specific since she says she has all the power when it comes to my daughter.
Tiger

[ocean]

Yes,
it is called a modification of visitation and you need to give a reason why. You can write "mother has been changing visitation days on father and it would be in the best interest of the child to have a perm schedule in place. Father is asking for what he already has been getting which is: Then list....everything...detailed.....

You go to family court where your order is and ask for the paperwork and see how the process works. Here you fill out papers (or have it typed out what you want- days, times, who picks up) and then they type up the papers, you sign it. In a few weeks a packet will come to your house with the court date. You serve her the papers (you can't , someone over 18) and then you go to court and work it out.

There are parenting schedules on this site. Look at them so you dont forget anything holidays, birthday, summers, school days when school is off, long vacations, very very detailed...

Good luck!

[ksmarks]

[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]Tiger I agree with Ocean, however also warn you that once you file things are mostly going to get ugly.  Sound s like mom has an issue with your moving forward and the new step mother and child.  All pretty common.  And it is very much a power thing. (For the ex)  <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] Does the ex really deny you visitation or just make you crazy when you ask for it?  <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]I would suggest that rather than start out with "mother has been changing visitation..." I would state something under the guise of  "Due to daughters advancing age, it has become necessary to establish a set pattern of visitation, to give her more stability, etc."  As your daughter gets older a set schedule will be important anyway. <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] I am not certain what state you are in but there are state court sites that usually have the initial forms to start the process, as well as access to legal research materials.<o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] My husbands ex started her crap about three months into our relationship (12 years ago) and it continue in some way, shape or form to this very day.  She hates my guts, and is mad as hell the dad has moved on and is happy.  My husband spent over 14k during the first four years of our marriage on attorney fees and countless hours responding to her filings.... what a nightmare!<o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]You can get a court order with set days and times, but she will make you live and die by it after you get it, and there will be no room for negotiation.<o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]<o:p> </o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]I know your first gut reaction is to take her to court and get her to see the error of her ways, yet, still caution you to think long and hard about how difficult it could become once the pleadings start rolling out.  In New York we have Law Guardians and that meant that when the ex didn't get what she wanted in court she would go to the LG spew terrible things and he would be compelled to respond to the court, carbon coping both parents along the way, which then she read to the children, who in turned told my children.... Gosh it was so ugly!<o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]<o:p> </o:p>[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN] You do have rights and need to be recognized as such in your child's life, just consider all that you are going to open your family up to if you have to file.  <o:p></o:p>[/COLOR]

[ksmarks]

soory that was terrible, I didn't realize that I cannot copy and paste. 

[tiger]

KSMarks..thanks for the information. Scares the hell out of me now...but
I don't know...I just want to stop the asking. Its like I'm asking for permission
to see my daughter now..its ridiculous. But I really appreciate everything. I live in California
and Ocean also.. thank you so much. I will think about both of your responses.

[ksmarks]

maybe you can try talking with her without your current spouse present, (that is what is really pissing her off most likely)  and ask her to agree to set days.

It is crazy and at times even my ex played the power card, told our middle child he had possession of the kids!  He still wanted to go on with his life though and the power trip was usually short lived if I did not balk too loudly.

I know that the biggest thing in my favor with my ex, was what was going on with the my current husband and his ex, there was no way we wanted to go down that road!

[tiger]

everything I do as far as talking to my ex it never involves my spouse. We talk via email or text or over the phone. My wife is never around. I think she just hates my situation that I have moved on. But your probably right.
Right now we are dealing with solving our daycare situation. That is a challange I will have on the 18th of June. She is saying that she is paying her mother for daycare cost. ugh
another battle. ugh

[ksmarks]

I feel for you and it seems like they never learn, it is almost always about control and money, and so rarely about the children. 

Just as an aside, I was very supportive of my husband and his fight to be an equal paprent of his two children, he is an electrial engineer, ex was a cooks assistant... I even went and got a  post ba certificate in paralegal studies from SU to assist in his [COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]endeavor[/COLOR], however, there were times that he told me that I was the reason that he did not have a relationship with his children.

I have three children, one six months younger than his oldest and two older, my ex and I never went to court after the divorce and co-parented- he was CP for $ reasons, however there was no support or alimony- so my kids were with us 1/2 the time, and I had money to spend on them, his kids were jealous and just did not under stand that their father was always paying lawyers just to see them and $330 a week plus child care and medical co-pays.  Life is not fair.

for some kids it is even worse.  Husband spent thousands to see and spend time with his kids plus paid all of his child support, and never asked for a reduction in childsupport even though the ex became  the private secertary to a local acting supreme court judge. (13 k a year up to over 47k) 

Things did not inprove her until his youngest went to college and although he was paying his 330 a week to mom and 5k a year per child (2) for [COLOR=#NaNNaNNaN]tuition[/COLOR], mom filed for an upward modification, and pro rata shares of college expenses... that is a great story a real make you feel good let me know if you want to hear it...


In the mean time good luck and god bless.

[ocean]

Are you going to court over the daycare costs? Here, you have to send the child to a certified daycare (not pay family member). You can try and say you are willing to pay for a certified provider and get credit at tax time for my share. Be careful though...she may do it and it might be more than what she is asking you to pay now...

Can you watch child, or your family member? You can counter with that also...that you are willing to have child at that time...

[ksmarks]

In NY, dad was ordered to pay provider of mom's choice (via support court F-Docket) even though custody court (V-Docket) had ordered that Dad & I should be used.. Ended very bad and dad was found in violation for not paying the bills for an alternate provider when we where available.  In his case Support court trumped even though Law Guardian testified that the intent of the order was to have dad or step mom providers of choice if available.  We could have appealled however  had already invested so much and  it had thrown the family in to such chaos that he did not go there.

As far as her paying her mom she might be, and that might also be a good thing, however not over the rate that is required by a certified provider and the grandmother should have to jump through all of the same hoops that a regular provider jumps through, although I think even NY has an exception for "family". 

Good Luck.

[ocean]

I would tell grandma that if that was ever court ordered that you will be supplying the info to IRS to get the tax break for child care so you hope she is filing what you pay her (plus ex's share). We filed once without a ID number and just wrote refused to give (but had receipts) and got the credit.
Im in NY too...we were told only a licensed provider if mom wanted AND she needed to prove we were not available....stopped BM dead in her tracks. She just wanted DH to pay. Her way of "getting back" at him...money.