Question about custody order....

[worriedmom]

Today I informed my ex that we are going to Ohio for Thanksgiving to visit my husbands family. The court order states that I have him for Thanksgiving from Wed. at 6p to Sunday at 6p. This is his weekend so he thinks that I only get him for Thanksgiving DAY and that he gets him for his weekend. He is also complaining that I have to get his permission to leave the state with my son. I told him that the court order again says that the parent can take him out of town for their schelduled holiday and shall notify the other parent. I know I am right and that I can take him to Ohio for my thanksgiving holiday i just dont know how to deal with him without losing my cool. The more i deal with him the more i just want to scream and yell at him until he listens.

[msme]

then respond calmly, no matter what. Send him written notice, CRR, of your plans for the holiday. In most states, the holiday supercedes the normal weekend schedule but you might offer him an extra weekend, just to be nice. You catch more flies with honey then with vinegar.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[worriedmom]

Thank you for your response. The only problem is is that if I offer him an extra weekend then he will expect an extra weekend EVERY time I get him over his weekend and if I dont then he will fight with me over it. No matter what I do he just complains over anything and everything he can. Its a neverending cycle of hatred with him.

[jilly]

By "EVERY time I get him over his weekend" do you mean when it's your holiday time but ex's weekend?

And what's the problem with giving him a make-up weekend if you have your son for a holiday that would normally be ex's weekend?

It's called being cooperative.  Maybe you both should try it.  You just might find you don't argue as much over this sort of thing.

[worriedmom]

yes and I have given him extra weekends. He takes advantage of it and then when I dont give him a makeup weekend because i have something going on, he acts as if its in the court order that i have to. I have really really tried to compromise and find a way to make us both happy. If anything I come up with benefits me in ANY way, shape or form he wont do it. If its not HIS whole benefit then he will fight with me. If I let him choose an alternative then he will come up with anything that he knows will hurt me or make memad. One question... Why is it a problem to take my son to Ohio to visit family for the holiday? Why is he making such a big deal about it? If he wanted to take him somewhere to visit family, I wouldnt object. Why is he like this? Because when I broke off our relationship because he told me that "right now my drugs are too hard to give up for you and him. I am just not ready" His exact words, he lost his CONTROL over me. Now he is struggling to find any way he can to Keep his control. Thats another reason I broke it off with him. I know from experience that if control is the guys concern that could easily turn to abuse. Not all guys are like that but its a good indicator that he COULD b the abusive type. Now he is angry with me for getting married and taking it out on me anyway he can and right now he is trying to keep me from visiting family. So yes, I cooperate unless im getting spit in my face from his yelling. Even then I have STILL tried to cooperate but with him, its impossible to compromise anything.

[jilly]

OK...was just wondering

[msme]

Perhaps your response to that should be....Fine, but everytime your holiday falls on my weekend then I will expect you to give me a make-up weekend, too. Otherwise, if you can't work with me then we will follow the order to the letter with no exceptions.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[worriedmom]

I can try that but he might agree to it to just get it and then when its time for him to do his part of the bargain, he'll fight with me about it. I can try.Thanks.

[msme]

Remember, it takes 2 people to fight. My son's ex would always try to drag him into a fight. He would simply say This is not productive. Either calm down or the conversation is over. If she didn't get herself under control, he would either walk away or hang up the phone.
After a few times, she got the message that she was the loser when that happened & finally stopped pushing.

I will say that the first few times he walked away & got into his car, she through a hissy fit, screaming obscenities after him. He never looked back, just got in his car & left her there screaming. But she did finally get the message.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[worriedmom]

Thanks for your response. Like I said this guy is determined but maybe he will get it eventually. I just dont know how long i can keep my cool with him lol i really dont, my fuse is about up with him but I will definately keep trying the cold shoulder approach when he starts. Lets see how long that lasts Thanks again