MySpace 9 as 19

[Mom1Step2]

Backgroun:

My husband has two daughters 12 & 9.  The live with us during the school months, and their mom during the summer.  Each has alternating weekends during the other's time.

We have been having a doozy of a summer this year.  The mother lost her job (she lives with her Mom).  She has lots of spare time on her hands now to make everyone misserable.  She is working overtime on the kids.

She constantly tells them she misses them soooo much and just dies when they are away.  They need to live with her because she can take care of them so much beter... etc etc.  She also encourgages bad behavior with us, and "older" behavior in general.  She has been through about 30 "serious" (not kidding) partners in the last 5 years and beleives that every woman needs a man to take care of her.

Question:
My husband just found out that both girls have MySpace pages.  The 12 yo is signed up as a 13 yo.  Which isnt that big of a deal (kind of upsetting to us, but ok).  The 9yo is signed up as a 19yo.  This is very troubling to us.  Husband called ex (Mom) and asked that all of this be taken down that it was unexceptable.  She refused saying it was fine, she was watching them.  I realize we can probably write to the site letting them know the children are underage.  But there is nothing to stop her from opening new pages for them (we assume).

Any suggestions on what we should do here, or should we just accept and move on?

[Kitty C.]

Contact MySpace immediately and tell them exactly what is going on.  With all the hoopla regarding Craigslist, I don't think MSpace, Facebook, or any other social network wants any bad publicity right now.  There is absolutely NO justifiable reason why a 9 y.o. should be protraying themselves as a 19 y.o., regardless of how much it is being monitored.  When Dad does contact them, he should ask them to monitor this situation (as he will be, also) and to notify Dad if they observe any other prohibitive behavior regarding his child.  If they forward any information, especially regarding how a minor protrays themself on their site and what is and isn't prohibited, forward it immediately to the BM.  No, there isn't anything stopping the BM from doing it again, but they (and/or Dad) will hopefully be on the lookout and can stop anything before it goes too far south.  Hopefully it will be enough that BM has been exposed and that she's being watched.

[Mom1Step2]

Thanks so much for your reply.  This is what I told my husband to do at first.  He felt unsure about it all, but I think your message will help.

[Davy]

Maybe I'm confused or missed something. 

Why shouldn't Dad just explain to these young girls WHY they should not be on this site and under no uncertain terms are they ever to be on that site again no matter where they live or whoever says they can.  Tell mom the same.  We have to be responsible parents for the kid's sake. 

[ocean]

Because they are at mom's house and she is allowing them to go on the site...

[Rave]

Wonder if Myspace could avoid repeats by tracking and blocking her ISP.  What a dumb cow to allow her kids on there.

[Davy]

I understand they live at mom's house.   

As parents I truly believe we should explain and take a stand between respectable behavior and poor judgement/bad behavior no matter where they live.   

Our parenting responsibilities do not end at the court house steps.

For example, I did not get to see my kids for 2.5 years due to denial of visitation.  MY oldest son (14) had become a hard-nosed juvenile delinquent.  His blond hair was waist lenght with 2 ear rings in one ear and one ear ring in the other.  Fighting, drugs, num chucks etc . Total bad ass.  He was going to go back to his mother's house. (she liked the way he was)

As we sat in the resturant with his brother and sister I looked accross the table and told him he knew the ear rings and hair had to go.  Of course, I got the typical teenage lipsmack but explained he had to at very least be clean and the hair had to be short enough to be manageable that he was way to good looking not to.   

It was a somewhat special moment when my daughter said "Dad hasn't changed a bit".  When I looked at her she had happy tears streaming and she smiled at me.  Really though, it was her way of telling me that mom had changed and she was very glad Dad hadn't changed.

The next time I saw my son his hair was clean, shoulder length and well groomed.  Of course I congratulated him.  Each and every time after that his hair kept getting shorter and shorter and when he started living with me it went back to a normal cut.

Later at that gathering, my daughter said "will the NCP please pass the salt" and all 3 kids started laughing,  I just smiled and advised them that mom was still mom and dad was still dad no matter what some idiot said at the court house.  All 3 nodded in the affirmative and they were reassured about their drastically changed lifes and their foundations were reset into building instead of destroying.   

Children want and need love, care, and structure no matter what their age.  Come to think of it, I'm a much older child now and I want and need the same things.

SO what are you doing Saturday night ?

[ocean]

In this situation dad has custody and they are at mom's for summer. You can have the kids delete the account when they come back but the other parent in allowing this behavior. Myspace, Facebook are social networking sites and not for 9 years old who is pretending to be 19. Of course the parents should work together but these two (and many others) do not see eye to eye of stuff like this. Summer just begun and this is a dangerous situation. What if this child wants to meet someone from there?

He should first contact mom and see what her reaction is. Maybe the 9 year old did this on their own? Maybe mom was right there. Get the facts and either have mom take it down or write to myspace and they will do it. If it pops up again, write my space again. Then when child comes home they can talk about it but when you have one parent saying "hey. lets make you an account, it will be fun" that is hard on a child to pick between two parents.

[Rave]

As parents I truly believe we should explain and take a stand between respectable behavior and poor judgement/bad behavior no matter where they live.   

Just a guess here, but I would assume the father has already had the talk with the kids about not being on myspace.

Since the mother not only allows the kids to be on myspace, but would likely create new accounts of myspace got rid of her children's accounts, she's encouraging bad behavior.

That is very difficult to work around.  Insinuating that the stepmother and father are lacking proper parenting skills is a assumption in the negative direction.

[Mom1Step2]

He did contact Mom.  She said she thought it was fine and that she was going to continue to allow it.  She set the accounts up herself.  They have apparently had the accounts for some time (she has everyother weekend during the school year) and we had no idea until something was accidentally said to Dad's mother.

A major argument came when Dad questioned Mom on this matter.  Basicly she said she is Mom and she can do what she sees fit and she belives it is totally safe.  She is more like friends with the kids so I think this is just one more way for her to "play" with them.  "Look what I let you do and we can do together, see how fun I am and what a great Mom I am?"

These things are always a battle with us.  The things she allows them to do versus what we allow.  (Staying up all night, watching R rated movies, and much more.)   

How do you deal with these issues when someone is always right and wont listen?  Do you go to court over something like this?  It doesnt seem like that would go anywhere if we did.   

We could try and have them delete the accounts, but they have been instructed by her not to even sign on at our house.  If you were a kid, how would you choose which parent to listen to?  You can be the stronger, "better" parent, but if the kids are going to catch hell when they go back, what can be done?

And of course as all of this is going on she is preasuring them to tell Dad they want to move in with her full time.  "See how mean and unreasonable he is?"

Any suggestions or comments are welcome, but please remember, things arent always as simple as black and white.  I am sure most of us on this board are doing the best we can with the situations we are in.

[Mom1Step2]

As parents I truly believe we should explain and take a stand between respectable behavior and poor judgement/bad behavior no matter where they live.   

Just a guess here, but I would assume the father has already had the talk with the kids about not being on myspace.

Since the mother not only allows the kids to be on myspace, but would likely create new accounts of myspace got rid of her children's accounts, she's encouraging bad behavior.

That is very difficult to work around.  Insinuating that the stepmother and father are lacking proper parenting skills is a assumption in the negative direction.

Thanks Rave.

[Rave]

I don't know exactly how I'd approach this if I were you and your DH, but my goal would be to make BM uncomfortable with the situation that she choose to comply with my restrictions rather than to continue putting the children at risk.  Might take some considerable thought to come up with a plan, but that would be what I'd be spending my time on.

Assuming I'd start with documenting and also have my attorney fire off a letter to her hoping to scare her into compliance.

Since she has no job right now, she'd be in a pickle if challenged financially.

[ocean]

Can you see the my space account? HOw many friends does she have? If this is ONLY being used to talk to mom then okay and it needs to be monitored. BUT they are not using it at your house so who are the messaging from HER house?

Contact my space..have them delete it and explain why you did it to the kids after they get home. I like the idea of sending her a certified letter (or if you want to pay a lawyer to do it) stating you are deleting the account as she is 9 years old and not 19 and this is a not a site for young kids.

[Kitty C.]

I don't know what MySpace's rules are regarding this, but if they do have something on the books, it would be even better if the notification to the BM came from MySpace directly.  BM will still know that Dad 'snitched' on her to MySpace, but it won't change the fact that the powers-that-be are watching.  In other words, you're getting 3rd party objective involvement, an entity that has no stake in what's going on in the dynamics of the family AND might be called upon to verify what transpired if the need arose.  If BM were smart (and most of them that act this way usually aren't), she'd realize she's being watched and this could come back to bite her hard.

[Mom1Step2]

We always document everything we can.

As for being financially chalanged, she has no job but gets unemployment.  She lives with her mother, and drives a boyfriends truck.  She seems pretty set to me, and if she wanted to fight, and they thought she had a good enough case (they are all as nuts as her), her mom would help pay.

We did see one page that was only partially private.  9 year old had maybe 5 friends (this is blocked now).  The 12 year old's page was completely blocked so we dont know.  They both have pictures up of themselves and have the Mother's City listed as their location. 

The whole thing came up because DH's mom heard the 9 year old talking about someone from My Space wanting to date her (luckly it turned out to be a kid as well, but ugh!)

Thanks everyone for your input!

[MomofTwo]

I actually agree with Davy, I think he has a valid point.  Talk directly to the kids. Tell the 9 year old she needs to fix her age or you will have the account deleted and any other account created for her.  Tell the children you will be getting access to the accounts and you will be monitoring them.  I teach my children all of the time consequences in our decisions -- good choices hopefullly equate to good things happening, bad choices will end up with bad results. Her having herself as 19 is a bad choice and she needs to be taught and explained the bad consequences that could happen as a result.   Parenting doesn't stop when the children walk out the door to the other parent's house.  You won't be able to stop Mom from allowing it.

I understand they are at Mom's, but Mom is right in some perspectives (and no I don't mean in allowing these accounts).  Unless she is putting the children in harms way (and there would be a big debate about that with these accounts), you can't tell Mom the children can't do something at her house anymore then she can dictate to you what can be done with the children at your house.  Albeit not the best decision, it is her's to make.  Same with "(Staying up all night, watching R rated movies, and much more.)"....you can't dictate to her how to parent.

This is one of those pick your battles. You know about the accounts. Find out what you can, monitor them, monitor who the kids chat with, I am sure there is software you can install for tracking....
   

[ocean]

My SIL went through this. It took about a week for myspace to delete the account. If you go to myspace.com and find the parent area, there is a form to fill out regarding your child's account. You can tell them the situation on how old the child really is and that you are the custodial parent. THere is also a phone number for them, not sure how that works.

I think that the conversation with the children has to be when they come home. You can't put the children in the middle. WHen they come home, if there is another page or it is still open, you can have them log on in front of you, then change password to only what you know and delete any friends you dont know personally. THen start teaching them about safe ways of using the internet.

[Kitty C.]

I certainly agree with the teaching at home, but that's only good for the future.  But it doesn't take care of the profile currently online.  If she's already getting asked to date (are you absolutely positive it was a kid??), who knows what else might be brewing because of what has already been posted.  I still say contact MySpace and let them take the lead on this, especially if you can't access the account yourself.  This is an issue that is too controversial and a hot topic.....the current social networks want to avoid this stuff like the plague.

[MomofTwo]

Oh! I agree with both of you. I didn't mean for them to let it slide and only deal with the kids...I just think it is super important for the children to know that despite they are doing this with Mom's blessing, you will be parents and do what you need to to ensure their safety.

Absolutely have this conversation when they come home, have them sign on, contact MySpace...do all of those things others said, it's all great advice.  But, don't let them pit you against Mom either, they need to know your structure has long reaching arms.

[Rave]

I actually agree with Davy, I think he has a valid point.  Talk directly to the kids. Tell the 9 year old she needs to fix her age or you will have the account deleted and any other account created for her.  Tell the children you will be getting access to the accounts and you will be monitoring them.  I teach my children all of the time consequences in our decisions -- good choices hopefullly equate to good things happening, bad choices will end up with bad results. Her having herself as 19 is a bad choice and she needs to be taught and explained the bad consequences that could happen as a result.   Parenting doesn't stop when the children walk out the door to the other parent's house.  You won't be able to stop Mom from allowing it.

I understand they are at Mom's, but Mom is right in some perspectives (and no I don't mean in allowing these accounts).  Unless she is putting the children in harms way (and there would be a big debate about that with these accounts), you can't tell Mom the children can't do something at her house anymore then she can dictate to you what can be done with the children at your house.  Albeit not the best decision, it is her's to make.  Same with "(Staying up all night, watching R rated movies, and much more.)"....you can't dictate to her how to parent.

This is one of those pick your battles. You know about the accounts. Find out what you can, monitor them, monitor who the kids chat with, I am sure there is software you can install for tracking....
   

The mother tells the kids not to log in from the dad's house.

[Kitty C.]

Oh! I agree with both of you. I didn't mean for them to let it slide and only deal with the kids...I just think it is super important for the children to know that despite they are doing this with Mom's blessing, you will be parents and do what you need to to ensure their safety.

Absolutely have this conversation when they come home, have them sign on, contact MySpace...do all of those things others said, it's all great advice.  But, don't let them pit you against Mom either, they need to know your structure has long reaching arms.

I agree with you 100%, MomofTwo!

[lucky]

In our case, my sd made her account.  I "hacked" into it (dh had custody) and cancelled it myself.  Was that legal?  I don't know, she was 14 saying she was older and put her full name, city & state out there - and she has an unusual name.  Actually I did that more than once to her.  Did it once to my own daughter too. 

On the other hand, mom will probably recreate the accounts so that you can't find them anymore.

[Davy]

"That is very difficult to work around.  Insinuating that the stepmother and father are lacking proper parenting skills is a assumption in the negative direction."

This is what was posted about what I had posted which was really an unwarranted personal attack on me.  In no way was there an insinuation of anybody lacking proper parenting skills. 

It should have been viewed as valuable experience and an encouragement to the parents instead of how it was being painted or manipulated.

What I didn't say is if it were me I would try to coach the chldren so that they no longer wanted to use the internet in that fashion and to take the responsibility to delete the accounts themselves.  No one else to blame for their behavior ... not MYSpace or mom or dad or anybody else.

I would have naturally seen it as an opportunity to begin setting forth a behavior pattern where they are responsible and accountable for their own behavior and then I would monitor their behavior and attitudes then make adjustments as need be rewarding succcess with love pats and kisses.

This was my best efforts as a parent and is not critical of any other parental actions or advice.

[Momfortwo]

The most you can do is contact myspace and let them know that the ages are incorrect and see if that can be corrected. 

There isn't anything you can do to enforce your rules at the mother's house, though.  If she lets them on Myspace, there is nothing you can do about without a court order. 
And I don't think that a judge would look kindly upon one parent trying to force their rules in the other parent's house. 

The father needs to talk to the kids about internet safety.  I talk to my 9 year and 7 year old about it.  I monitor what websites they can go on.  But there's nothing I can do about where they go to on the internet when they are with their Dad.  His house, his rules.  My house, my rules. 

[Davy]

Thanks for your response.

Personally, I wouldn't turnover the welfare and child rearing to whatever action Myspace might want to take.

My coaching would not be about moms house/dads house or enforcing rules any where.

It would be entirely focused based on the well-being of the child and my ego and mom's ego would be completely removed from the communication.

Like in my original example when I explained to my son why he may want to groom his long hair, keep it clean, and remove his ear ings.  No demands just why he should consider it.
Convincingly.  There is nothing wrong with that technique in fact it builds character and to expect of himself to do the right things and to take care of himself.  Structure and discipline is part of the training program.

When he got older it was easy to say Ok you know better than to drink and drive and YOU know when it is appropriate to come home ... just be at ease and do not try to beat the clock to get home and wrap yourself around a telephone pole.   Funny how there was never a problem except for when girls were involved.

[Momfortwo]

Thanks for your response.

Personally, I wouldn't turnover the welfare and child rearing to whatever action Myspace might want to take.

My coaching would not be about moms house/dads house or enforcing rules any where.

It would be entirely focused based on the well-being of the child and my ego and mom's ego would be completely removed from the communication.

Still doesn't change the fact that the father can't enforce his rules at her house, only at his house. 

If the mother lets the child on myspace or other internet sites at her house, there isn't anything that the father can do about it. 

[Davy]

I just don't know how many different ways this can be said.

One can train the child NOT to want to be on Myspace and it won't matter what anybody else wants to do.

No court order is needed.   The court can kiss off and so can any and every evil doer.

This is what I did or tried to do for my children's own protection.

[ocean]

My space is a "cool" thing especially for the younger kids because they hear about it from the older ones. Many parents allow younger children on there. I hear it from my kids all the time but they know they are not allowed yet. If they went to another parent on the weekend and they allowed them and said it was okay, I am sure they would jump at the opportunity because it is their parent saying it is okay and that they will watch them. Some kids have step-siblings at the other house that have accounts and then are asked to make one. It is hard to ask a child to say no to any parent. If it was a friend's house it would be different but this is their mother who is parenting them too but in a different way...

[Mom1Step2]

Update:

DH asked to be allowed to monitor the accounts as well and was denyed by BM.  This is when she told them not to sign on at our house (so we couldnt hack).

DH called MySpace yesterday and was told that without a court order they could do nothing.  If BM approved it and is watching it, it is allowed.  They said they would delete the account if he insisted, but there is nothing in place to stop it from happening again.  DH's concern here was that then he would have no idea what was going on because he might not be able to find the new accounts.

DH is going to approach from a few different angles now:

He is thinking of creating his own account and sending a "friend request" and see if it is honored.  Then he at least can see the pages even if he cant control them.  We have a feeling the "friend request" will be denied though.

Another thing he is thinking of is to find out how to get a court order or something to allow him access to the account without her permission.  He was thinking of calling the district attorney's office to get information.  Not sure how this will pan out either.

As for internet safety, we always enforce and explain to the kids.  They know what is expected of them at our house and what is acceptable.  However, when they are with BM they are allowed to do anything, sometimes it seems even encouraged to do things that are not allowed at our house.

We can tell the kids what we expect of them all day, we can tell them we are disapointed or even punish them for breaking the rules. But if BM is encouraging this behavior, why wouldnt they do it?

BTW Davy, 9 and 12 year olds are a little too old to "train", they are not dogs.  They do have free will, and if that free will is encouraged by an authority figure...

[Kitty C.]

Oh boy..........this situation still gives me the willies.  I wouldn't even be worried about the teenagers and 20-something's..........I'm more concerned about the pedophiles out there who present themselves as kids, convincing the child to meet somewhere, and then she's gone.  I understand MySpace's position....but it doesn't mean I like it.

One other thought.....  IF your local law enforcement has a cyber-investigation division, contact them and ask them how this situation should be handled.  They may be able to give you some ideas or at least point you in the direction you need/should go.  And if for nothing else, they will know that BM is condoning and encouraging it.  What they do with that information is anybody's guess.

I'm always for 3rd party involvement....it's another 'set of eyes' watching the situation that doesn't have an emotional stake in the outcome and has the possible effect of keeping everyone 'honest'.

[Mom1Step2]

Oh Kitty, if you liked all that, you are going to love this...

BM's mother and step-father (who she lives with), both work for the Sheriffs department.  Her mom works in the office with payroll, and dad is an officer.  I guess we could call in as annomous, but if we have to start giving details it will surly get back to them.  It has happened before.  Corrupt, maybe, but what can we do?

We do understand MySpace's position as well.  We dont have a problem with them because they said they would shut down the accounts if we requested.  But we know BM would just do it again, so it is not really worth it to us.  Just makes everyone mad and then they still have an account that we cant even find.

Know what else is great?  When DH was talking to MySpace last night he asked them to at least look at the account themselves to see if anything unappropriate was on there (since they wouldnt give him access).  The woman said that there was no indication that the page was run my a 9 year old.  He asked about the picture of the 9 year old.  MySpace said that people can put up any picture they want, a picture of a niece or daughter, or a picture of themselves when they were younger.  So they have no way of knowing that a child runs the page, and no one else does either.  Great, huh?  Pedophile city.

[Kitty C.]

Oh good Lord............gotta love Small Town, America.  Figures.

Well, I'll certainly be praying for the child.  But it really chaps my a$$ when there are people in authority who know of a potentially dangerous situation involving a child...but fail or refuse to do anything about it.

And I guess I was wrong about the social networks being nervous about these issues, especially after that murder on the East Coast.....obviously they don't give a $hit.

Gee, can you tell I'm pi$$ed?? 

[Davy]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffffff]"BTW Davy, 9 and 12 year olds are a little too old to "train", they are not dogs.  They do have free will, and if that free will is encouraged by an authority figure..."[/HIGHLIGHT]

Three summers ago my grandson, 12 at the time, came for a two week visit arranged by my daughter, his mother.  The boy lived with his maternal grandmother and came along with all the smart-mouth one could mustard.

After a few days of being all hyped up about Myspace which I knew only conceptually.  He begrudingly showed me his page then showed me his sister's page .... age 13 going on 25... which invoked a serious conversation with him, my youngest son (his uncle) and myself.   We never see this boy but he looks upon both his uncle and myself as role-models and with respect and authority ... a condition he absorped from his mother which, in essence, was the purpose of his visit.  The male role-models he didn't have where he lived.   

We convinced him of the potential dangers and, as I remember, the false sense of relationship building he is gaining with his Myspace friends.  He asked about a week later if he could get on to check his Myspace and I said, well certainly, and that was all that was said.   My son spoke with him a couple of months after he went home ... he wasn't on any more and he thought he was winnng over his sister.

When my grandson's uncle was about 10 years old he was on the front porch with a sherriff's deputy and his mother waving custody papers when I heard him say "you can take those custody papers and put em where the sun don't shine" and the deputy quickly said "you heard what the BOY SAID...ma'am".  I later asked if he had heard his older brother or sister say that and he said he made it up on his own.   I said some might think I told you to say that ... he said he would set them straight.

I guess one might say he was an independent thinker with a mind of his own and well trained.

He wouldn't be taken in by an authority figure because he had an authority figure that had earned his trust and respect that trained him in the reality of the truth.

IT WORKS BEST and I post this for Dad's encouragement and hope he listens to me rather than mom1step2.

[Kitty C.]

I wholeheartedly agree with what you're describing here, Davy, but you of all people would probably be the first to admit that it takes time to establish that kind of trust and respect.  And if the OP and family can establish that eventually, then future problems like this would be resolved.  I think it's what all parents strive for.....but as to achieving, some seem to do so better than others.  This is human nature, reality we're talking about here, and there's always extenuating circumstances that eventually intervene to make the process difficult, as well.

My main concern is the here-and-now.  Hypothetically, the child in question could be online right now with a perpetrator posing as a kid, asked to meet ('but don't tell anybody!'), she sneaks out of the house and.......gone.  So there's 2 approaches here:  nipping in the bud what's already transpired to prevent a dangerous situation from happening and working to make sure it never happens again by working on the trust and respect that will build a child's self-esteem to the point where they can shrug off the temptations that try to draw them in.

[Davy]

Kitty... I STAUNTCHY AGEE with every word you said.  Is does take time and it started when the 3 were babies and sadly years later they were found in their mom's home town miles from home where they had never lived before under the heavy influence of a bed-ridden pill popping alcoholic (MIL) basically the same as a pedofile.  They were lost and damaged souls and had lost their mother as well (and so had I).  .........................

Back to the matter at hand.  It might help, a respectable authoritive figure like a pastor, school principle, etc explain the reasons they should should use caution on the internet in a non-reprimanding fashion while expain what good things the internet has to offer.

I look at it this way.  None of us as parents have had any training in all these worldly matters in protecting our children and more often than not LE and other well meaning authoritative hands are tied or whatnot.  We have to think and do things outside the box until something works. And never give up.

Who would ever had thought that dangerous "Christian Cults" would thrive on college campus's.  I presented to the University Dean of Students, she called in a couple of non-student leaders for an interview ... she was sickened but the most she could do is WARN in-coming students in all the information the university distributed.  I went round and round with the university legal dept.  to do avail.

SORRY I'm rambling a bit but please get the point ... it's not just young children.

[Momfortwo]

I just don't know how many different ways this can be said.

One can train the child NOT to want to be on Myspace and it won't matter what anybody else wants to do.

Sure, IF one is the only one who has any influence with said child.   

[Davy]

Momoftwo,

What is you point.  Do you have anything at all to offer besides snide meaningless remarks.   

I did not have that much influence with my 12 year old grandson and once it was explained to him in a calm intelligent fashion he got off.  It works because I valued him and believed in him to do the right thing.   

Here's a summary of what you posted :

  1 ) The most you can do is contact myspace   
  2 )  There isn't anything you can do to enforce your rules at the mother's house, though.
  3 )  there is nothing you can do about without a court order. 
  4 )  don't think that a judge would look kindly upon one parent trying to force their rules          in the other parent's house.
  5 )  His house, his rules.  My house, my rules.

This is a situation where children could be seriously at RISKS  and you want to depend on the internet site to resolve the issue, OR argue about some old broken ego-seeking  philosophy about enforcing rules OR wrongly imply a court has more say with your child than a parent  OR being concerned what a judge thinks

Have you ever stop to consider the reason children are at risk is because some people want to argue and complain in order to promote their own self-serving ego rather than to focus on an issue to resolve a problem.   Nothing you have posted is relevant.  Sorry !

[Rave]

Have you ever stop to consider the reason children are at risk is because some people want to argue and complain in order to promote their own self-serving ego rather than to focus on an issue to resolve a problem.   Nothing you have posted is relevant.  Sorry !

Davy,

You have rambled and rambled throughout this thread.  It's been difficult to even GET to your bottom line through all the Disney home movie stories you have depicted.  Now, if merely training a child not to do bad things is the obvious answer to everything, than your own children obviously never would have struggled themselves I presume?  Despite the influences they had, if they only listened to your words of advice, everything should have turned out wonderfully.

What I see is another example of you pushing somebody's buttons because you have pre-determined their position, opinions and agendas.

Your flowerly words of advice have been difficult to muster through.  But now that your angst is showing up again, your true motivations are becoming clearer.

You think the stepmother and other second wives are here "to promote (their) own self-serving ego rather than to focus on an issue to resolve a problem".  Now, that explains why you keep placing the blame for the children's access to myspace on the parental ineffectiveness of the inept father, his controlling wife and continue to offer opposing views to all the bossy SW's who offered words of encouragement and advice (besides the obvious, just "train" those kids not to get on!!)

This thread has very little to do with the original poster and myspace anymore.  It has now become about YOU and your lectures to US.

To which I respond... "Nothing you have posted is relevant.  Sorry!"

[Momfortwo]

Momoftwo,

What is you point.  Do you have anything at all to offer besides snide meaningless remarks.   

I did not have that much influence with my 12 year old grandson and once it was explained to him in a calm intelligent fashion he got off.  It works because I valued him and believed in him to do the right thing.   

Here's a summary of what you posted :

1 ) The most you can do is contact myspace   
2 )  There isn't anything you can do to enforce your rules at the mother's house, though.
3 )  there is nothing you can do about without a court order.   
4 )  don't think that a judge would look kindly upon one parent trying to force their rules          in the other parent's house.
5 )  His house, his rules.  My house, my rules.

This is a situation where children could be seriously at RISKS  and you want to depend on the internet site to resolve the issue, OR argue about some old broken ego-seeking  philosophy about enforcing rules OR wrongly imply a court has more say with your child than a parent  OR being concerned what a judge thinks

Have you ever stop to consider the reason children are at risk is because some people want to argue and complain in order to promote their own self-serving ego rather than to focus on an issue to resolve a problem.   Nothing you have posted is relevant.  Sorry !

First, it's MomFORtwo.   

Second, irrelevant?  Hardly.  Just pointing out that there is NOTHING that can be done about the rules at the other parent's house.   

That is a FACT of life.  Do I think that the internet can be a dangerous place?  Yes, I do.   And I have taken steps at MY house to lower the risks, including explaining to my children WHY the internet is not a safe place.  I CAN'T do that at their father's place because it is their father's place.  He gets to set the rules at his place.  You aren't implying that I have the right to enforce my rules at his house, are you? 

It worked with your grandson because of your grandson's personality.  I know kids who that would not have worked on.   

The original poster here is concerned.  And with good cause, but it isn't going to go over well with a judge if they try to enforce their rules at the other parent's house.   

BTW, you could always work on your self-serving ego.  You don't have to go through life with one, you know.

[ocean]

The only thing I disagree on is that a judge would rule with father on this. If the judge saw a print out of the page that says child is 19 and not 9 PLUS articles of all the bad publicity of that site, this is not about the parents right to parent. It is the safety of the child. BUT is it worth is going over just this...probably not but has merit.

I still vote for having Myspace shut it down. This will show mom that myspace does not like the lying going on about her age. Then send mom a certified letter stating that they need to work together and that if she wants child to have a site for them to talk on, that is fine but it needs to be monitored in BOTH homes. I think it is almost worth the money to have a lawyer write it up so it looks more official and then she heard it from myspace and a lawyer.

Davy- You stated that you have not seen your kids for 2 years before they came back to you due to mom's interference. This shows how much one parent can have over their children even if they love the other parent. They could not stand up to their mother because they had to sleep there even though they knew how you felt. Kids should be taught internet safety by both parents but when one is just not using their head the other parent must step in for now until the kids come home and it can be straightened out a little more. 

[Davy]

MomFORtwo ... thanks for your straight forward and earnest post.  I can tell you are firm in your writing and that is good.  If your children have to sleep every school night with the lights on ... there's really nothing an absent parent can do to defeat those rules because the children are not considered at risk ... until.... hold on

I think and I hope that if you had a 9 yr old daughter posing as a 19 yr old and discovered she was being lured by a 39 yr old man or woman at her dad's house then your standards, values and rules would come into focus big time.  Dad's rules or excuses would not matter at that point.  If the little girl was an adamant internet/myspace user and even the slightest gut feeling of her potential risk existed (without exageration) I would expect your rules to come into play big time at dad's house and if they didn't the little girl should not be there and exposed to the risks.   

I've had a particular interest in this subject matter and attended numerous seminars (ie stranger abductions, etc) and been in several parent groups over a long period of time.  The MOST EFFECTIVE professional advice and parental advice was "talk to your children" just like you have done.  Certainly if they could be vulnerable to a stranger on the internet (or in the grocery store) then a parent would have the presence to convince them of the dangers and risks they might encounter else where.

About my grandson, at the time he was always getting yelled at and bitched at in his environment and his mother forced the issue with her mother and sent him to Grampa and to be with his uncle.  They were both humble star athletes and I'm a long time youth coach and along with his mother's urging we had a leg up and naturaly overcame the bad mouth.
The authorities finally came to their senses (he got in trouble like all the rest) so now he's back with his mom ... she can handle anything.  I expect to be a great grandpa within the year unless granddaughter gets back to her mom.  She's not considered at risk because she's with grandma (and money) and no one else has access to her.

... until ... one of the kids flicks on the light when the grown-ups want to sleep and all hell breaks loose...kids jailed (not juvie) again for their own protection, adults terminated as parents  and kids had been returned to Dad that had no problems enforcing the rules ... no guns or drugs in your room, return all stolen property, no more stealing the car, etc... and I talked to them ... two became star college athletes  and pastors and one became an RN (all caring professions) ... all I did was talk to them EVERYTHING ELSE THEY DID ON THEIR OWN.

Believe me ... no ego... just love, structure, enforcing rules and working together with people from all walks of life in churches, schools, law enforcement, judiciary,  but I didn't put up with much smart mouth from too many judges...hope this is helpful.

Thanks for your relevancy.  God Bless.   

[Davy]

Thanks Ocean.  You brought a very important issue.  None of this is about Parent's Rights.  It is about guidance and Children's rights .... a child MUST BE SAFE in their own skin.

It is shivering to learn of another missing child.  What the hell are we doing.

And ... I'm not saying to not attempt to shut down MySpace ... just so the child learns that the need to be alert and cautious (but not scared) in all their surroundings...in church ... in school and at home...running around the neighborhood.

At a large TX multi-state Labor Day Youth Soccer tournament in 1992,  a very bright 10 yr old little girl went missing while playing with other kids in the sand (next to a parking lot) directly behind the small bleachers where her parents sat watching her brothers' game.  Her mother saw her moments before she was missing..  There were 1,000's of players, parents, coaches, etc present at the time.  Investigation revealed 17 pedofiles just among the coaches and referrees....who would have thought.

[Amgine4033]

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago:
My son's step mother had the nerve to go on her FACEBOOK page and post her identity AS MY SON'S MOTHER.
I made complete documentation of this, and took it to my attorney.
How would she like it, if I did the same in regard to her biological children?
My ex (we were never married), along with her (my step-son's mother) were also posting photographs of my son online.

My son contacted her in email and said he was angry at her. Why would she do such a thing? (Claim she was his mother)...She had the nerve to respond back to him by saying there were no other "options" to select from.

...People will eventually hang themselves with their own string...they need no assistance from others.

It is now written in our current court decree that neither parent (or step parent) be allowed to post photographs of my son, or make reference to their identity to him online.

I hope this helps.

[Mom1Step2]

Amgine,
I dont think your situation really pertains to the one originally posted.
My step daughters also listed me as their "Mom" along with their BM back when Facebook didnt have all the options for extended family. They sent me the request, I accepted it. The girls had two Moms and two Dads listed. BM had a fit, but husband & I stood our ground. I am now listed as Step Mom because that option is now avaliable.
By the way, an update to the original post: We got BM to change the childs age to a more suitable one some time after my post. Thanks everyone.