Mother in Prison

[jmitchell]

I just recieved a call tonight that my ex wife was put in federal prison for fraud. I will be making some calls tomorrow to hopefully find out what I need to do to get my daughter. She is staying with my ex's mother at the moment. I was supposed to be getting her for the summer this year as I live out of state but was told I couldn't get her. Now I know why !!! Oh BTW my daughter lives in Nebraska. Thanks in advance for any help.

[brwneyedmom]

1.  How long will mom be in prison?
2.  How old is daughter?
3.  Is there any reason why you couldn't get full custody while mom is locked up and maybe beyond?
4.  What plans would you have for daughter to maintain contact with BM's extended family?-- assuming daughter is attached to any of them.
5.  Have you had an ongoing relationship with daughter or just during the summers?

It would be nice to have additional details before formulating an opinion.  Best of luck to you!

[jmitchell]

She will be in prison for 1 year. Before I moved to ohio a few years ago for work I saw her pretty much on a regular basis other then the times I would go to pick her up and noone would be home. But since I have moved it has been a battle. I did get to see her when we went to NE for christmas and that is when we made plans for her to come for the summer. My daughter is 9 yrs old and I would do whatever I could to let her see my ex's family if she wanted. Right now we are in the process of trying to find a lawyer that will work with us. My wife just started a business so our savings went into that. Legal aide was suggested to me so at the moment I am on hold with them. I am also waiting for a return call from 2 other lawyers that weren't available this morning. Its hard to find a lawyer when you live in another state.

[ocean]

Go to child's state to family court. Call and find out where you have to go and there may be a small fee. File for emergency temporary custody as mother was put in jail. You should go before a judge the same day. With the holiday you will probably have to wait until Monday to do this. A lawyer can do this for you but like you said you need to find someone who will do it immediately.

Did child live with grandma before being jailed? Will she have to change schools living with grandma?

[Davy]

I once was in the situation of obtaining legal services out of state.  I phoned the state ABA (probably in the capital city) that maintained a list of attorneys by physical location and by experiences and specialties.  I retained two attorneys (because oppenent had $$ to file in multiple jurisdictions).  Both attorneys (I never met) did an outstanding job.  You will probably know if they are not.  My children and I were fortunate.

As you probably know, there was probably a significant time lapse between arrest and going to the Federal pen.  YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN CONTACTED FIRST NOT LAST about your child since you have far superior rights to those WITHOUT ANY RIGHTS AT ALL like her mother.   In reality, she may have already received a lighter sentence as a single mom and you could have been painted as a dead beat from parts unknown. Thanks for contributing to justice. Ha !   

It is not pertinant how long the mother is going to be away, the age of your daughter, if you JUST saw your daughter in the summer months and certainly not the influence of the extended family.
.

[brwneyedmom]

It is much more pertinent to ask questions rather than to assume bad mothering as you frequently do, Davy.  Questions were asked to rule out: 
(1) Mom being gone for a relatively short period of time may make a possible custody fight not financially feasible or emotionally worth it for dad- as OP seems to imply from his comment "I was told I couldn't get her".  I didn't want to mis-read his intentions or plans for living with his daughter.  That comment alone sounds like a custody fight will be necessary. 
(2) A daughter who is younger may have a stranger for a father and would need stepped up time with him to re-establish the relationship.  See (1) with "I was told I couldn't get her" for a possiblity of lack of contact.  Also see (5).  In no way should father be denied a relationship with his daughter.  They should increase time spent together, if strangers, in a way that daughter finds comfortable and nonstressful.  It's all about daughter.  Not parent.
(3)Was father found to be a "child support stealing, alimony-spending, fish-selling son of a bitch"?  Oh wait, that's what my son's dad called my husband.  Not true, by the way.  If you make this phrase into a song, poem, story, or other use, I retain all rights to the phrase for all time and demand royalties.  Was the OP found guilty of abuse?  Of cooking meth in the house with the child present?  Is there some other reason that child should not live with dad, such as step mother is a convicted child predator?  I cannot assume as you so easily do, that he is innocent of wrong-doing.  I also cannot assume that he is guilty.  Hence, the question of the possibility of past behavior that might impede his getting custody of his daughter.
(4)If daughter has a close relationship with her grandparents or other family on her maternal side, it would be morally wrong to deny that relationship.  She has lost her mother for a year.  Why hurt her by taking away other people who love her?  That would be a question that a judge may ask the father.  There's nothing impertinent about it.
(5)Extremely important question.  Is daughter a stranger or not?  If so, stepped up time before moving to dad's would ease daughter's transition.  I couldn't tell from OP's first post.  When son was physically abused by his father, son asked the judge for no contact for a while.  Then contact was supervised by an adult of son's choosing for 3 months while dad took anger management and parenting classes.  Time with dad was gradually increased until SON felt comfortable with dad's new behavior.  It was not dad's nor mom's schedule. 

An impertient question would be "How often do you plan to feed daughter green leafy vegetables?" 

OP, I don't wish to appear anti-dad to you as Davy will make me out to be.  I think that your daughter should be with you.  I just didn't want to assume that you're the best person at this moment, just because you're her parent.  That may sound anti-dad but it's not.  Yes, you should have been contacted first.  But what's done, is done and cannot be changed now.  Move forward instead of always looking back. 

[jmitchell]

The stupid thing is that I wasn't contacted by normal means. My mother found out what had happened and she called me to tell me what had happened. I contacted childrens services and the court and was told by both that I needed to contact a lawyer. I did get in touch with one finally and am trying to quickly come up with the retainer that he is asking to get things started. The lawyer told me that once he gets the retainer he will file the papers for emergency custody and then for her to permenantly be taken out of state. I do not care if my ex ever pays child support. She has 3 kids (mine included) from different dads and is pregnant with a forth from yet another father. I just want my daughter to be in a safe, happy, normal enviroment and of course have always wanted her to be with me. I just don't understand why I was not contacted in the correct way when this happened. BTW yes my daughter has been living with the grandmother as that is where my ex lived.

[brwneyedmom]

I think that you should have been notified ASAP as the father.  Interesting that YOU have to prove that you are fit to take your daughter by paying for an attorney and petitioning the court.  I was worried that mom had legally given custody to grandmom without notifying you.
I'm glad your mom caught it.  It might have slipped by you since they seemed to have no intention of informing you themselves.
I'm sorry that you have a harder road to travel now because of mom's actions.  This could have been avoided completely with you and mom filing the necessary papers.  She could have even insisted that you only get temporary custody; now you can file for permanent custody.  If you are still paying support to mom, file immediately for a modification.  Grandma doesn't have a right to collect it if mom is out of the picture, even if mom and daughter were living there.

Of course, I am not an attorney, nor do I play one on TV so this can only be interpreted as my opinion.

[Davy]

Deleted by Board Moderator.

[brwneyedmom]

Dear Davy,
I hope that you get the help that you so earnestly need.  If you'd be friends with a child beater like my ex, then I'm glad that I don't know you.  Don't address me anymore in this forum or in this world.


Dear JMitchell,
I wish you the best in your quest.  I agree with you that the mom has now made it harder (not impossible) for you.  She could have avoided all of this with a phone call and a filed change to the court (assuming that she had custody at the time).  I do hope that she did not file paperwork that you were not involved and custody needed to be given to grandma while she's in prison.  It's been done before, and I don't want to assume.  Always gets me in trouble.  I mean, she's not too good at fraud, right?  She did get caught after all.   I hope that you can quickly raise the retainer, file, and then go get your daughter.  Happy summer to you.