daughter sleeping on wife's boyfriends floor

[funkydrummer]

My wife and I have been separated, by her choice, since September. Since that she has given me dating rules such as waiting 3 months before introducing anyone to our 4 year old daughter and waiting until being married or at least engaged before having someone spend the night while she is here. When my wife came to pick up my daughter and met the girl I had been dating for less than a month she threatened to get a lawyer.
She started dating someone about 3 and a half months ago. Within a month she had broken all rules that she had given me and has asked her mom or sister to take our daughter for the night on several occasions so she can go out with her new boyfriend. Also within that first month she spent most nights at his house. She has our daughter during the week since I have worked nights since her birth to avoid the cost of daycare. Therefore she brings our daughter with her. The past few months she has been sleeping on the floor of the boyfriends room while my wife and her boyfriend are in the bed. They recently "officially" moved in (after only 3 months, met on a dating site) and my daughter was given her own room. Today my daughter told me that his best friend has been staying and she is back to the floor in the boyfriends room.
My question is about if this is appropriate or not? When I bring it up my ex cusses and defends everything she does because, of course, she is never wrong nor can do any wrong. Is this inappropriate and should anything be done?

[snowrose]

I would have a tendency to say that except for a family issue when relatives or friends are visiting short term, it's not appropriate for a child to be sleeping on the floor.

Do you and your ex have a separation agreement?  Do you have terms of custody written out for your daughter?  If not, you might want to start putting those together or you could find yourself on the outside with little or no access to your daughter.

You can add things in like equivalent rules for both parents, eg neither of you can have a non-parent sleeping in the home, unless X criteria are met.  (Put that one out there and ex might change how she does things, since she'd be caught up in the rule too.)  You need to spell out if you have joint legal custody.  You need to spell out what the visitation schedule is for your daughter seeing you.

You need these guarantees because until you have them your ex can do anything she wants and who can you complain to?  You haven't got anything in writing to point to for help to enforce your rights.

[Kitty C.]

Have you even been to court yet?  Sounds like you haven't.  If divorce is imminent, then you need to get an atty. and file NOW.

As for your ex 'dictating' what you can and cannot do in your home, she has no right or grounds.  Only if it is court-ordered can it be dictated what you can or cannot do in your home.  Regarding dating, unless you're associating with known pedophiles and the like, the court doesn't care whom you're with, as long as they do no harm to the child in any way.

She can threaten to get a lawyer, but they wouldn't even begin to be able to do anything until a petition for dissolution and custody is submitted to the court and an initial hearing is completed.  One thing about threats:  that's exactly what they are.  You need to educate yourself on the Big, Wide World of Divorce and Custody......and coming here to this site is a great first step.  Read everything you can get your hands on and get informed, or she will yank your chain as much as she wants.  But unless she can put her money where her mouth is, all it is is hot air.  By educating yourself, the next time she tries this, you will know whether she's just all blow or not.  Remember:  YOU ARE A PARENT TO THIS CHILD, TOO.

Read on this site and anything else you can get, get an atty., and file a petition for dissolution and custody.  Document, document, document!  Start a journal if you have to, but write everything down and keep track of everything you do, buy, or go regarding your child.  Others here will have suggestions also, I'm sure.   

You're at the beginning of a possibly long and (it sounds like) volatile ride.  Hang on, keep the focus on your child, and maintain your cool around your ex at ALL times.  And come back here often, if for nothing else but support.