I am a stepmother who needs her rights!!

[candi0125]

My husband and I got married in 2002 and we have had his son ever since the mother has seen him one time since 2003. The paperwork was never changed from their custody agreement, according to the custody agreement they still have joint custody her having the parental control. I have been raising this boy since my husband and I got married, and he works overseas. I have begged and pleaded with him to have the custody changed hopefully taking her parental rights away and maybe allowing me to adopt him, because my husband is never home. I am so afraid something is going to happen and I can't legally do anything because I am only a step parent. Thank God my husband just happen to be home when we had to register him for school, but it could not be that way next time. This child only thanks of me as his mother and I would die if his biological mother drove up and wanted him, because I would have to let her have him I would have no choice. I don't understand why my husband won't take some responsibility and do the right thing for me and his son. I believe he thinks it is going to be something difficult to do, but it is not we don't even no where this lady is. We have had no contact with her since 2005 when she called one time. What to do? I would love to give my husband some kind of insperation to do this. I thought maybe he would just do it because he loved and cared for me and his son, but I guess not. Please give me advice. I Love my son I don't won't to ever lose him he is the only child I have. 

[snowrose]

Usually parental rights are only stripped from a parent if they've done something quite bad, so I'm not so sure that's going to work for you.  Would your DH be willing to sign a Power of Attorney letter so that you can have the same rights that he does when dealing with a doctor or the school, etc?  You can file the letter with the various service providers (and keep a copy with you for emergencies) and that will give you the control you need in order to function as the child's parent in most dealings.

[ocean]

I agree..get the power of attorney paperwork at the very least..

If you start court proceedings they will contact the mother and she can very easily start her visits again...or fight custody since the father is not home a lot. Better to leave things alone.. He has joint custody so he has his legal rights in place.

Has he gone back to court to stop any child support orders? If he doesnt do that..the mother will be able to file against him years from now and win that money back even if you have custody now...If that was taken care of already..then leave it alone....do you really want her back in your lives...she may fight it just to fight it... Maybe the next time she calls, your dh can approach her on it but for now...enjoy your life. I am a SM too and you can do most things without the parents  "permission". Dr appointments, being at school events, signing him out of school (as long as you are on the emergency card), all can be done without yoru DH.

Does she live near you? Since he is starting school, be aware that if they do have joint legal the school must release to either parent unless there are court orders. Let the school know what is going on and give you a call if anyone comes to pick him up..talk to the social worker at the school. If she is not that close and hasnt tried to see him all this time...leave it alone and live your life.

[MomofTwo]

The POA is good (and necessary) for things like schooling, doctor, etc...but unless your husband initiates putting things into place for you to become the custodial parent, there is nothing you can do.

Also, it is not as easy as you think to terminate her rights just because she is not around.   This is something legally you can't be advised how to proceed (to become the CP) because unless he pursues it, there is nothing you can do to become the custodial parent.   

[Momfortwo]

Well,given that the mother has abandoned the child, your husband needs to file to have her rights terminated and for stepparent adoption to take place. 

And only your husband can do this as he is the only one with any legal standing. 

[candi0125]

No he has not gone back to court for anything the original court orders are still on file, and according to them she still has the parental control and he is suppose to still be paying child support. I have tried to tell him that she can come back on him, but he just don't seem to won't to listen. My mother worked in Chancery court for years and we have all tried to tell him. We have no idea where she is the last we heard was possibly Las Vegas. I have heard that in our state we can get her for abandonment by just running an ad in the paper at her last known address. I try to tell myself all the time to just leave it alone, but my husband has a dangerous career offshore overseas. I know if something where to happen to him and she thought there would be some money she be knocking on my door. I don't care about the money I just don't won't her to be able to take my son.  I honestly don't even believe she would even put up a fight she has never cared for this kid, she has another son by her second marriage and the father has him. She is some piece of work I have tried and tried to have children and was never able, so he is mine he is all I have. I don't feel like a stepmother I am his mother. Thanks for your advice.

I agree..get the power of attorney paperwork at the very least..

If you start court proceedings they will contact the mother and she can very easily start her visits again...or fight custody since the father is not home a lot. Better to leave things alone.. He has joint custody so he has his legal rights in place.

Has he gone back to court to stop any child support orders? If he doesnt do that..the mother will be able to file against him years from now and win that money back even if you have custody now...If that was taken care of already..then leave it alone....do you really want her back in your lives...she may fight it just to fight it... Maybe the next time she calls, your dh can approach her on it but for now...enjoy your life. I am a SM too and you can do most things without the parents  "permission". Dr appointments, being at school events, signing him out of school (as long as you are on the emergency card), all can be done without yoru DH.

Does she live near you? Since he is starting school, be aware that if they do have joint legal the school must release to either parent unless there are court orders. Let the school know what is going on and give you a call if anyone comes to pick him up..talk to the social worker at the school. If she is not that close and hasnt tried to see him all this time...leave it alone and live your life.

[ocean]

Men just dont like to deal with things...lol BUT he really needs to get this changed ASAP....she can hang low for years and then get you for tens of thousands of back child support.

You can not force him but maybe do some leg work. Call your local family court and get the paperwork to fill out yourselves. Then ask what happens when you cant serve her....what is the procedure? (newspaper?? how long? what proof)
My state there is no filing fee...some states it is a small fee...

You want: Change of physical custody to SOLE custody to father and modification/change of child support....(ask for BOTH..different areas in the courts eyes) State the reasons: "Child has been in my care full-time since XXX and mother has not exercised any visits since XXX"

Ask your hubby if he will at least sign off on that part so you will not be sued later on for all the back child support...(maybe show him some articles where it happened...maybe he thinks he can just go in there when it happens and say ...well I had him all this time...they will just tell him there was a court order in place to pay and he should of changed it..)

Getting a judge to grant termination is VERY hard especially to the mother...they always will let mothers have second and third chances... Do you where any of her family is? Does the other father know where she is? You usually have to prove you tried to find her before you are allowed to do the newspapers...

If your DH still refuses...I would take my name off joint bank accounts and have your own...if/when they come after past child support they can take from bank accounts and future tax returns... Child support was never through the state?? Does he have an account with them in arrears now?

[Kitty C.]

I understand the principle of the OP and agree with other responses in how to handle it.....but I do have to speak up on one comment:

'I don't care about the money I just don't won't [want] her to be able to take my son.'

I hate to be the devil's advocate here, but the reality is he is NOT your son.  Emotionally, maybe.........biologically and/or legally, no way.  Part of this is the mindset of it all...........and I can totally understand when he's been in your care for so many years, he hasn't had his BM in his life in any meaningful way, and obviously looks to you as the mother-figure in his life.  But that is from HIS perspective only, as a child.  As an adult, you really have to separate the emotion from the reality, or you could find yourself backed into a legal corner you can't get out of.  I know how emotionally connected you must be with the child, but if you're ever going to protect him legally, be very careful in how you portray yourself, especially if you do move forward on this legally.

I think the most recent suggestion of distancing yourself financially (if your DH refuses to address this) is a very good one.  It may seem extremely cold, maybe even heartless, but you really do need to protect yourself financially on this, too.  I've even heard of horror stories where mothers have come back (even after the child reaches the age of majority) to claim any owed CS that was court ordered.  Heaven forbid if this were to happen to your DH, he could find himself owing 1000's of dollars in back support.  I'm not trying to scare you, but I also don't want you or your DH to think that this is something that will just go away once the child becomes an adult.

[snowrose]

Candi, what state are you in?

I strongly agree with Kitty and ocean.  If DH won't do anything to help himself with the possibility of BM coming back later and claiming back child support, it would be best for you to open your own bank accounts.  You could still have an "ours" account but use that only for bills as they come in.  Keep any extra money in accounts in your own name, as a safety measure.

[candi0125]

Thanks ocean I think I will take your advice and do some leg work for myself, and find out where we need to start. I intend on letting my hubby read some of these views, and maybe it will make him think and get his head together and do what needs to be done.  He has never wanted to deal with all of this or the BM even before I came alone his mother took care of his son.  His parents had legal guardianship of the child for a while, after the divorce she gave him to my husbands parents, and said she just couldn't take care of him right now that was when he was only 1 year old.  We have no idea where she is.  At one time my husband new where her father was, but that was a while back. If this lady would have tried to be a mother I would never have stood in the way of that, and I never forced my son to accept me as his mother he decided for himself. We never talk bad about her around him and never will. It is his choice on how he feels about her, and I am sure when he is older he will have alot of mixed emotions, but right now he i just a happy kid and want it to stay that way. I came from a split family with a stepfather that raised me, so I can kind of relate to my son.   Thanks for the advice and just listening it is nice to talk about it.






quote author=ocean link=topic=37380.msg302275#msg302275 date=1249349513]
Men just dont like to deal with things...lol BUT he really needs to get this changed ASAP....she can hang low for years and then get you for tens of thousands of back child support.

You can not force him but maybe do some leg work. Call your local family court and get the paperwork to fill out yourselves. Then ask what happens when you cant serve her....what is the procedure? (newspaper?? how long? what proof)
My state there is no filing fee...some states it is a small fee...

You want: Change of physical custody to SOLE custody to father and modification/change of child support....(ask for BOTH..different areas in the courts eyes) State the reasons: "Child has been in my care full-time since XXX and mother has not exercised any visits since XXX"

Ask your hubby if he will at least sign off on that part so you will not be sued later on for all the back child support...(maybe show him some articles where it happened...maybe he thinks he can just go in there when it happens and say ...well I had him all this time...they will just tell him there was a court order in place to pay and he should of changed it..)

Getting a judge to grant termination is VERY hard especially to the mother...they always will let mothers have second and third chances... Do you where any of her family is? Does the other father know where she is? You usually have to prove you tried to find her before you are allowed to do the newspapers...

If your DH still refuses...I would take my name off joint bank accounts and have your own...if/when they come after past child support they can take from bank accounts and future tax returns... Child support was never through the state?? Does he have an account with them in arrears now?
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