Hope and a Touch of Humor for Fighting Fathers

[webcat_iowa]

My fiance and I have been fighting for custody of his two children for over two years.  Prior to that, we were in court monthly for a year as his ex filed restraining orders, modifications, and child support increase requests.  When I met his children the first thing he was able to show me was a massive third degree burn on his son's calf from a space heater at her house, and a diaper rash so intense on his daughter's labia that it was labeled a yeast infection by a doctor (who would not file a report of neglect) and she screamed every time we changed her diaper.  We'd heal her but every weekend she came back with it.  I had no idea how biased the court system was until witnessing the especially shoddy treatment he received from judges and court clerks - as if he were the worst father on earth when all he wanted to do was set up regular visitation.  He was lucky to find an excellent family law attorney and get every weekend with them, then 1 and 3.  Having never been married, this was an extraordinary right.

When she finally landed herself in juevenile court on neglect charges (the three year old found outdoors, alone, in November - 40 degrees outside - in only a wet diaper) after three founded DCFS reports (which we only found out about by court notification - she told DCFS that the children's father was not involved in their lives), he filed for the change of custody.  We took both our tax returns, a $500 donation from my mother and $500 from his mother and paid the $3000 retainer.  She used every tactic known to man to delay the initial proceedings (obtaining a lawyer the day her discovery paperwork was due, having her lawyer file an extension the day before the initial proceedings were to start, etc.)  During that time, I came to this site on many occasions, used the state information on doctor and school records and read through posts.   We got court records all the way down to traffic tickets and misdemeanors.  He had the DCFS agent, the juevenile court appointed case supervisor, my mom, his grandmother, my sister and me testify.  She had herself and her oldest son, 10 years old with ADHD (unmedicated and interviewed in judge's chambers spinning around and around in an office chair).  The worst he said about my fiance was that he wouldn't always let him play video games whenever he wanted and that he was made to eat vegetables.

Now, anyone who did not have borderline personality disorder would have thrown herself at the mercy of the court, for example, "I know I have made bad decisions in the past, Your Honor, but I am sorry and am working so hard to improve the quality of life for my children.  I put myself at the mercy of your judgment."  Instead, Her testimony was that he was a racist (the judge was African-American) drug and alcohol abuser who was physically and mentally abusive.  After three full days testimony over six months, our decision came Febraury 3, 2005.  I was on a business trip in Bossier City, LA and - I'm tearing up, I can still feel the indescribable relief - when he called I just slid to the floor in tears.  I had been on my way to a dinner reception and when I got to the lobby, I saw two friends and just ran at them saying, "It's over!  It's over!"  I had a roomful of people in tears.  There was a true celebration.  And all we had to do when I got home was pick them up as if for regular weekend visitation . . . . . and never take them back.

I describe all these emotions to you as a proud new "mother" that wants to tell you that there is hope for fathers in the Jurassic court system.  After the injustice and humiliation he endured at her hands, the system finally worked.  We're in debt for it to our eyeballs, but we'd have paid twice as much to have this outcome.  I am truly thankful to all resources - including sites such as this - for helping us through what was a trying, stressful process.

This year his son started kindergarten, daughter in preschool, both making some very positive adjustments in the behaviors learned from her home.  She is making our life complete hell - but that's a whole other post (example was calling DHS after her first overnight visitation, telling them he was sexually abusing his daughter and physically abusing his son).  It will probably never change.  We have privately and secretly (from the children) decided to treat her as the crazy side of family, mandatory but a bother, and pretend it never happened as soon as we pick them up.  She has problems, they are not our problems no matter how hard she tries to make them ours.  We don't see it stopping soon.  But the judge made his decision (which is what we tell her every time she says, "I'll see you back in court.").

If there is one piece of adivice I can give you it is to DOCUMENT EVERY VISITATION, EVERY PHONE CALL (let her leave nasty voicemails, then record them and play them in court), EVERY CASE FILE OR MODIFICATION, and take pictures on a NON-DIGITAL CAMERA (arrival and departure shots, injuries, signs of neglect, etc)!!!  Don't exaggerate, just state facts.  It made us so credible to remember every date of every incident, every injury or sign of neglect.  I truly believe our documentation of her behavior and neglect won this case.  There's hope - it's a long road and it hurts, and God forbid others have to go through it, especially because it's the children's welfare at stake.  Just don't give up.

[MYSONSDAD]

When new folks find their way here, the first peice of advice is document, document, document. Thank you for sharing your story and reaffirming some of the advice we share with others.

My question is, why a non digital camera? My digital works off the computer, no way to play with date/time set. I can not edit the thumbnails on the camera, but can edit images once saved in the computer. Take the memory card to K Mart and have them develop off the memory card.

Again, the very best to your family!
 
"Children learn what they live"