adoption

[lizzy]

My fiance and I are talking about the future, and he wants to adopt my children, when we get married.  Their biological father(BDad) doesn't pay support, unless he gets unemployment, hasn't had a job in over 2 years, doesn't have a place to live, psychologically abused my oldest when she lived with us, and does some of the same thing to my son. He only takes them when it suits him and upsets my son to the point my son hates him.  We live in the state of Wisconsin, is there any way we can do something for him to be able to adopt them, with out his consent? He told me he wouldn't consent. Honestly, he will NEVER change. Can anyone help me with this question

[asof2005]

I have not heard of being able to adopt without bio-parent's rights being terminated.  I do not think you can do that behind his back.  If he has not abandoned his children for a certain period of time, I think it would take a lot to terminate, also non-payment of child support is not a cause to terminate rights.

Here is some info I found for your state.

http://www.childadoptionlaws.com/child_adoption_laws/adoption_laws_wisconsin.htm

[ocean]

Tell him the child support will be dropped and he will never have to deal with it again. Otherwise it will follow him until he pays....
You wont be able to do it, unless he consents or you have a trial to prove he is unfit and his rights should be terminated.

[lizzy]

I know I can't just go behind his back, or I would have already, lol.  But seriously, can him not having anywhere to live and his unemployment ran out, and him not paying support, he's over 2500 behind, affect anything?  I mean it's going to be a few years before we can try, but if he doesn't see his kids or pay support in the mean time, can that help?
Also, I know if I bring up the we'll forget about the back support if you give up your rights, he'll say no. I guess I'm gonna be bangin my head on this. It's just hard to prove him unfit, with no physical proof. I know how he was when we were married, what he did and what he does now, but I need witnesses. 

[ocean]

No, not paying has no affect. If he went with no contact for years and didnt pay you can try and get the courts to terminate his rights and get your DH to adopt. Courts dont like to do that unless someone is willing to adopt so people dont go on gov't assistance with only one parent responsible for the child.

He doesnt take child at all now? No phone calls?
You can live your life as he is not there and forget about it. Your Dh will be treating the child the same anyway and doing the "fatherly" things. Get all the craziness out of your house unless he comes by and brings it up (and since you say he doesnt..should be quiet).

[lizzy]

He takes the kids when he has a place to go with them. I called child protective service and they told me as long as he has somewhere to go with them, i have to let him take them, and i do. He doesn't call, my son calls. He really upset my son the last time he called his BD. He told him when his attitude changed then call him back.  Well I was standing right there through the conversation and my sons attitude was fine.  I think the BD is pissed cuz all his unemployment ran out and now he has no money. I'm pretty sure he's living in his vehicle also. I know not paying has no bearing on anything, but this man is a HORRIBLE father. Well I can't do nothin about it, so guess we'll see what happens in the future

[gemini3]

This is a difficult question.  You want to protect your children from emotional harm, and you want them to have what every parent wants for their children - a stable, two parent, happy home.  Unfortunately, that is not the situation for your kids.  They have a parent who obviously has issues - probably some sort of mental health or substance abuse issues.

Here's the deal though - you can never erase a child's past.  No matter how hard you try.  Your fiance adopting your kids will not make this go away for them.  They will still be dealing with it - wondering why dad doesn't come, wondering if there is something wrong with them, etc.  Even children who are adopted as infants into healthy households deal with it.  There is no getting around it for your kids.

The best thing you can do for your kids is teach them how to deal with their father.  How to have appropriate boundaries, and how to seperate their self-worth from their father's behavior.  They may need the support of a counselor, or maybe group counseling to do this.

In the meantime, your finance can and should be a wonderful father-figure for your children.  But be prepared for them to be unwilling to accept it since it's not coming from the person they want it from - their own father.

[lizzy]

I understand what your saying, but he has already screwed up my oldest daughter life( not his kid). She is emotionally scared for life and there is nothing I can do about it.  He also sexually abused her, but theres nothing I can do about it, I tried. Yes this man IS mentally unstable, extremely mentally unstable. Theres nothing I can do about that either. My son whom is 10, understands what is going on and he is so disappointed by his BD, that he gave up on him months ago and wants my fiance to adopt him and his lil sister, but she doesn't know whats going on and that's the hard part in all of this.  Actually his entire family is really screwed up.  The ex father in law, deals pot, but can't prove that, but I actually want to take the BD back to court and have him drug tested, I am willing to do the same, just to prove I'm not doing them, but I know he is.  I know so many horrible things about this man, but I can't do anything about it and it's so frustrating.  Yes I know my fiance adopting the kids won't make this go away, but my children deserve a stable home without all the garbage that goes on. I constantly worry when their with him, not cuz I'm over protective either. The things I hear when my son and daughter come back from their BD visit is ridiculous.

[asof2005]

 "but my children deserve a stable home without all the garbage that goes on. I constantly worry when their with him, not cuz I'm over protective either. The things I hear when my son and daughter come back from their BD visit is ridiculous. "


I understand this, we should of called protective services on the BM in the past but didn't, and we go through watching the kids' lives get all twisted because of BM's horrible decisions, but unfortunately in our case its harder to prove a mother unfit.  I have to accept my role as step-mother, parent the best I can to my two step-sons and know that we have the stable two-parent home and they appreciate that, no matter what is going on with BM.  It may be hard to see and hear, but sometimes that is how life goes.  I would adopt my sons in a heartbeat ( I am also adopted).  But it will never happen, they have a mother, maybe an unstable, selfish, immature mother, but she is their mother, the end.

[lizzy]

As for the back child support thing, I was told I can't do that since the state is involved with that. Thanks for trying to help everyone, but as someone said, its a lost cause. my kids are destined to have satan as their father