Father of 1 year old needs advice with new divorce

[Brian1079]

Hi All

I just need some guidance and advice from people who are going through similar situations or have gone through them.

I am the Father of a 14 month old girl.  I am in Florida.  My wife left me and filed for divorce in November 2009 while I was on a business trip.  She cleaned out our bank accounts, took our one year old, took a ton of our marital property, charged up cash advances on one of my credit cards she was an authorized user on and moved out of our marital home and took our daugther and moved in at her Mom's home.  I admit she did this as a reaction to some bad issues I had with gambling (that she knew about) and I had posted a classified ad on Craigs List trying to meet with someone, and she found that out.  I did not meet with anyone and I dropped that idea after only a couple of days and realized it was not something I wanted to do.  I had a separate e-mail set up for all this and somehow my wife found out and got into it and found these e-mails.  While I was on the business trip, she sent me an e-mail saying she was leaving me and that she knew about the ad, etc.  I came home a few days later and found out about all the things that were cleaned out.  She only let me see my daughter for 90 minutes on Thanksgiving and not at all on Christmas, only Christmas Eve.  Until this past weekend, I had not seen my daughter for a weekend in almost 2 months.  My wife continues to only communicate through e-mail and replies to all my requests for visitation or return of marital assets with "my attorney will have to answer that."  I have retained an attorney and because of that I was able to get at least the minimum ordered visitation of one night a week and every other weekend right now.  I still want more visitation and would really like 50/50 custody.  I wanted to work on my marriage and try to save it, my wife does not.  It seems likes she is using my daughter as a piece of property against me, that she "owns."  I was wondering if anyone can help me with some advice and what other courses of action I should take, or what my shots would be at 50/50 custody.  As I stated, there were some large gambling losses on my part (mostly before daughter was born) that my wife knew about that had added a strain to our marriage.  I work a normal 8 - 5 schedule and the Wife had been a stay at home Mom for the last year, after she got laid off.  We had hoped for that to continue, but obviously I do not want to support her if she is not willing to work on our marriage.  Any advice would be appreciated as sometimes it feels like I am out there on my own.

Thank you

[DadsCrushed]

My ex pulled this. It's called a "hit and run." Start to document everything and don't rely on running to your atty. You need to surrender the idea of getting back together with the woman.

Do you have a Court order for the schedule of visitation? From the sound of it it appears to be something your atty. and her's decided upon. If this is a schedule your atty. and her's decided upon; fire your atty.

One thing I learned in my case is that the Court will look at the "status quo" of the child. If the child is with the mother more than you and you agreed, you can probably kiss your chances of equal custody. You need to demand equal access. If the attys. and your ex do not like it . . . tough. Go to Court and file a pendente lite.

Trust me, you do not want to be limited by "status quo." If, however, you already have a penndente lite where visitation has been decided; you will need to wait until the final hearing before you have a chance at equal custody and more visitation.

In the meantime, clean up your act. Go to Gamblers Anonymous and everything you put on the web can come back to haunt you. Don't be surprised if the ex requests that you obtain a forensic evaluation to see if you are fit. In turn, be prepared to file a request for a forensic evaulation against her.

[Brian1079]

Thanks for the reply.  What state was your case in? 

At this point the whole process is very new.  I was not served until 11/24/09, so there are no formal court documents dictating anything yet.  I filed a motion with the judge for temporary time sharing, through my attorney, and they said he will not hear any motion from either side until we go to mediation first.  In Florida, I guess they are hoping you will work it out on your own and then the court can just review and rubber stamp whatever you come up with.  I would rather have it work out that way myself; however, I just do not think my STBX is going to want that to happen, she wants to punish me and ruin me forever.

I am planning to go to Gamblers Anonymous and/or to get a one on one counselor through my health insurance coverage.  The current visitation is just the schedule that my STBX is "allowing" me to have, I constantly ask for more time from her and I constantly say I have not agreed to the current restrictive schedule.  We are both documenting everything as all our communication is only via e-mail.  My lawyer seems to think because of the gambling and the craigs list ad, it is going to be a tough shot at getting 50/50 custody.  I know this lawyer through friends of my father, and they were all very pleased with him in their cases and he has a good reputation with many of the judges I am told.  He seems to think our current judge is very low drama and that is a good thing for my case; however, he thinks the judge will not rule 50/50 custody because of my daughter's age and my Wife has been a stay at home Mom ever since she was born, and the knocks against me with the gambling and ads.  I just feel that is absurd as I think we are both able to parent our daughter just fine, and neither of us is unfit.  My wife will have to go back to work as we were only married for 4 years and then we will be shuttling my daugther to a day care, so isn't it better for her father or mother to parent her, then strangers at day care?  I feel frustrated, I don't want to go for anything less than 50/50 custody but I cannot help but feel like I am getting royally screwed right now.  If I lose in this battle, I want to go down fighting as I believe my daughter deserves equal time with both parents.

Do you file a pendete lite through your attorney?  Or is it something I can just go file on my own?

I really appreciate your help, so thank you.

[DadsCrushed]

I'm in MD.

Your atty. can file a pendente lite or if you are pro se you can do it yourself. Since there is no order per visitation, those kids are yours and F her per her unilateral dictum per scheduling. You do not want to establish "status quo" with her having the kids teh majority of the time.

If you decide to keep the kid past your "time" you can. What is she going to do? First, she will call the cops. The cops can do nothing if you are the father. However, do you want to subject your child to that. Looking back, I would have subjected my kids to that because the "games" now are beyond that level and the status quo burned me at trial.

Your past antics is concern but you never know the outcome. That is why you need to demonstrate that you are an equal parent. The age of the child should not be that much of a concern. It is an issue if breastfeeding.

This website has a lot of good information. Start reading about the "mother" argument. Agreed, both parents should be involved.