what are step parents called?

[bndmommaostepmomma]

I am a custodial step-mom, meaning that my stepdaughter lives here full time.  O has been with us for almost 9 years with very little contact from her mother.

She calls me by my given name, or Lola, or Momo (the little lemur dude from Avatar).  Lola is a name that O gave me when I commented that I wanted technicolor hair like Lola Las Vegas on Hannah Montana.  Then, O had some mental issues and used Lola as her name on some unauthorized internet accounts.  I have always loved the Momo, and all 3 kiddos know it, so it was fairly easy to move over to me being Momo.  My youngest bio sometimes refers to me as Momo and it makes me giggly.

Her mother has all but abandoned her, but I still think how I would feel if my bio kids were to call another woman "Mom."

O understands (at age 15.5) that she has a biological mom who has mental issues.  She knows that I have been here for the past 9 years and that I am going nowhere.  I fully intend to remain a part of her life forever.  I do pray that her momma figures out how to get help and eventually will contact O.  I admit that I don't hold my breath, but maybe someday she will make contact.

I love O as if she were my own.  We (hubby and I, and all of the kids) don't use the words "half" or "step".  We are a family, and love each other and do things together.  Hubby and I have 2 sons together, aged 8 and 6.  They know that their sister has a different mom, but they also know that they have the same dad, and that alone makes them brothers and sister.

It's really strange, b/c if I had answered this 7 or 8 years ago, it'd be a different answer completely.  My family is different, and non-traditional, but I wouldn't change a whole lot if I were paid in cash. 

[ladiva23]

I respect the place that OP is posting from - I really get the frustration thing, I do - but if the child is under 5:

1) Husband/Wife or Girlfriend/Boyfriend really shouldn't be called "dad" or "mom" unless the bio-parent hasn't been in their life AND
2) It is regularly addressed who their biological parent really is.

To a certain extent, I agree with posters who say a child under age five would be mimicking the words mommy and daddy, but we have to realize that every situation is different.

With my now almost 8 year old SD, I overheard her telling her 11 year old cousin that she doesn't get mad if people think I'm her mother or mix up the two moms.  The cousin said "but she's not your mom, though." and SD said "Yeah, but she does everything my mom does." 1) I'm touched that she was defending me and 2) I think we really need to see the situation from a child's eyes.  If the child is old enough to express a continued desire to call two dads "dad" or two moms "mom".  Then why not? Aren't we only suppressing their need to be consistently affirmed where they stand?

I read a lot of posts on here to help me get through my situation, and I see the same recurring theme; the children are initiating SURVIVAL mode when with either parent! One poster wrote that her SD/SS - I don't remember - said "Now you can call me my real nickname, I just didn't want my mom to get mad."  My SD actually LIED to her mother last night on the telephone and said "I tried to call you, but I called your old cell phone number because I thought it was working."  BM must have told her "You know my new cell by heart" because SD said "Yeah,  but I forgot that I knew it."  I look at my SD afterwards and I asked her about why did she tell that story to her mom, when every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I have to force her to have a minute long conversation with her biomom. BM: I miss you. SD: Me too.  BM: What did you do today? SD: Played in the park, watched a movie on TV, went on a boat ride. BM: Oh I'm glad you had fun, where's your sister? End of conversation.

SD at 7 1/2 PURPOSELY tried to switch up the conversation to make it more interesting to her mother, so her mother could show more of an interest in her.  How do I know? I used to do the same thing with my step-dad (whom I called Daddy) who I felt paid more attention to my siblings than me.  So to SURVIVE emotionally, I used to do all sorts of things to get his attention.  I see the same behavior being exhibited by my SD with her BIOLOGICAL Primary Big Fat Head Mother.  ( I only wrote that because I've been trying to figure out what PBFH stands for, and I figure that's about a good a guess as I'll ever come up with)

My name is phonetically a repetition of one syllable (example) LeeLee. Its easy for kids to say.  However both skids call me "mom" from time to time and at first it really bothered me. I was like we already have enough problems with this lady, this is the last thing I need.  So after correcting the child who at this point has a tear-stained face,  "I'm LeeLee" your mom is who you should be calling mommy"... I just let it go. Let them be who they are. No one over here is even suggesting that is what they call me, I'm called by my first name by everybody.

To whomever said "stepparents shouldn't be called anything" well that's nice.  I'm wondering if you do feel steps should be called something like au pair or babysitter or "roommate" as BM in my situo has so nicely called me. Even though I am legally married to her ex. She is so nice.  It is okay if she comes to me directly to pay for $400+ birthday parties, school uniforms, ballet classes etc, then I am a great stepmom and she's telling me in front of the kids "Listen to LeeLee, otherwise you guys are gonna be in big trouble." but when she is not getting her way, or if she didn't get any from the latest lover or vibrator the night before its "tell that b* if she wants to put braids in someone's hair to have her own f* kids."  Such nice adjectives when speaking about your children.

To wrap it all up, I can only speak on children who have a deficiency in their mother or father figure.  I highly doubt that if a mother or father was doing the right things by their child/children would their child even fix their lips to call another person "Mommy or Daddy".

I also highly doubt that if EACH set of parents, whether bios or steps were doing all the right things by their children and not their emotions, then this board wouldn't even be in existence.


--Love,
Ms. D

[ladiva23]

OH! And I'm not jumping on the bandwagon of OP.

I think OP is just dead wrong for not following steps 1 and 2 in my post.. but as you say.  That is just my opinion!

I'm just answering the question of what stepparents should be called.

Thanks!

[Kitty C.]

Depending on the gender...........

PBFH:  Psycho Bitch/Bastard From Hell


It's always been my favorite!

[tigger]

To wrap it all up, I can only speak on children who have a deficiency in their mother or father figure.  I highly doubt that if a mother or father was doing the right things by their child/children would their child even fix their lips to call another person "Mommy or Daddy".

You're dead wrong on that point.  My kids were forced and manipulated into calling the stepmom "mom".  There are no deficiencies on my part as their mother.  What do they call the stepmom now?  Nothing.  They don't call her by her first name or anything else.  My youngest son refers to her as his  brother's mom.  (Technically, his stepbrother but I encouraged them to see their stepbrother and halfsister as brother and sister.)

[ladiva23]

@Kitty: Thank you so much, and here I was thinking I was clever LMAO!!!!!!!!!  That just goes to show you my spirit.  I used to be at the point where I would have loved to sit down and talk with her... but I'm over it.

@tigger:

I'm not dead wrong. I specifically said "I can only speak on children who have a deficiency." Meaning, I can only speak on children who HAVE a deficiency.  If your children do not have a deficiency, then this does not apply to you or to your children

I also said "we have to realize that every situation is different" - Obviously, yours is because the stepmother was the antagonist.  

I also said I also "highly doubt that if EACH set of parents, whether bios or steps were doing all the right things by their children and not their emotions."  - According to you, the stepmother involved with your child was a ruffian and it backfired on her.  Your children,  now that they are older, really have no connection with her, because she tried to disconnect them from you.  The same way any child will have no connection with a bioparent who tries to disconnect the children from the other bio-parent or new family unit.

[Lady Tremaine]

I understand that this is an old post butttttt I figured I'd throw my .02 in here.

A little under a year ago I got a fb message from my sd asking if she could call me mom. I left it alone & never answered until I saw her in person. I told her that she has a mom & that the mom/dad titles are pretty important & that her mom might get upset if she called me mom. Ocassionally she'll slip. I still answer, but move on like it's no big deal. One day my son was driving me nuts with the mom,mom,mom,mom thing & I said, "THAT'S IT! I'm no longer answering to MOM, it's now Jose'!" My sd picked up quickly & said, "Ok mama Jose'" She jokingly put it on her fb that I was now mama Jose' & of course her mom flipped sending her messages saying, "Love your 1 & only MOM!" It was a joke. I never expected her to put Mama in front of Jose. Not at all. She did it on her own. I can see her mom being upset, but it was once. It wasn't a bunch of times.

With MY 3 kids, they call my fiance' dad. We tried in VAIN to curb this. They would say "dad" we would say, "No this is *insert his name*" Then it became, "Well when can we call him dad?" I said, "Maybe after we get married." Knowing that we wouldn't be getting married any time soon AT ALL! (we both have massively cold feet) It took over 6 months of battling & finally we gave up. I sat all 3 down (aged 9-4) and asked them why they wouldn't call him by his real name. They had a list of reasons why. "Mom, he comes to all of our stuff for school!", "He spends time with us.", The boy said, "He plays out in the yard with me & lets me help him work on whatever he's doing!", "He reads to us.", "He is good to us.", "He helps me go out to play in the snow!", "He loves us mom.", This went on for about 5 minutes between the 2 of them. I gave up. They won. They had their point of what a 'dad' was supposed to be & do.

As far as their real dad goes, they call him dad, they call my honey daddy. If they're talking about both they'll put their names in front of each other. My ex husband's wife is furious & every time they go over there, she has a new name for them to call her. They hate being forced to call her anything. Well, the oldest wants to call her a witch. I said, "NO, you still have to respect her." They begrudgingly do so.

So for my sd it's my name, unless she comes up with a joke.
For my kids & my honey, it's daddy
For my kids & their step mom it's her name (although they have other names that they call her when not in her presence)

[littlefoot09]

I allow My step daughter to choose and i think it should be left up to the child not to the parents or step parents or any one else except the child

[tigger]

I allow My step daughter to choose and i think it should be left up to the child not to the parents or step parents or any one else except the child

A child needs to be guided and that guidance should be provided by the parents.

[ocean]

I agree, in many cases the step children are introduced when they are young and the parent needs to be the one to set the tone. If both bio parents are in the picture then mom and dad should be for them. Every situation is different and whatever works for your family as long as everyone is okay with it.