Will he get Joint Physical Custody?

[onmytime]

My son's father is taking me to court to get Joint Physical Custody because he wants to watch our 2 yr son from his home while he works (we live almost an hour apart). Currently our son stays at home 3 days a week with his grandmother and goes to daycare for 2 days.

My son's father is only taking me to court because he does not want to pay for daycare and pay child support.  Over a year ago there was an order for him to pay child support and he never followed it.  He paid $227 less each month because he did not want to pay what the court ordered.  In addition he has forgot to pick our son up for scheduled parenting time.

Personally I don't believe my son's father can watch our highly active 2 year old and work (he's an engineer).  Last year he told the court he couldn't even do midweek visits because of his demanding schedule.  He also travels alot.  I believe our son will be sat in front of the tv for hours on end while his dad tries to work and when he travels I will have to find daycare.  My mother takes him to the park, the library, zoo and various activities.  Everything is in place and he has a set schedule.

Just looking for an opinion and other's experience..... Would a judge grant joint custody based on dad claiming he wants to spend more time with our son or will the judge see right through him trying to get out of paying child support?

[Ref]

I understand that it is frightening for you to have your ex on more equal footing with you. Try to trust that you are a good parent and that your ex being more involved will not change that at all. Maybe I am off base with this and if so, I apologise.

It is so hard for me to see your side of things, simply because my husband has been trying so hard to be a part of my stepdaughter's life with his ex fighting every single thing. Maybe you just can't see his motivations because of your own issues with him. It is very common. My husband sometimes thinks his ex is doing things that are against him, even if it is equally as feasable that she is simply not thinking about these things in the same light as he is.

Anyway, I think it is wonderful that your ex wants to spend time with his child. So many people out there hear about how horrible dads can be by abandoning their kids.

If you really think he will not want the child after a few times, maybe you can offer him Right of First Refusal. That would mean that he can be the caretaker of the child if you are not around and decides to do so.  Then he can spend the extra time with the child when he can and when he can't the child can stay with your mom or childcare.

Good Luck
Ref

PS I am sure the judge would rather a parent watch the child over a non-parent, but it really is a crap shoot.

[Sherry1]

that the custodial parent must give the NCP the first opportunity to watch the kid before the kid is handed over to anyone else.  

Unless your ex is a convicted felon or has a documented history of drug abuse or criminal acts, then yes, he will probably be awarded joint custody.  Bioparents, whether female or male have a legal right to be involved with their kids and to have an opportunity to parent them.  You probably have no concrete hard proof that he wants to watch the child because he doesn't want to pay child support, that is only your opinion and a judge more then likely is not going to entertain opinions.  

However, when your son starts kindergarten, it would be a problem for your ex to watch him since he is an hour away, so it would only be for 3 years anyway?

[onmytime]

>  You probably have no
>concrete hard proof that he wants to watch the child because
>he doesn't want to pay child support, that is only your
>opinion and a judge more then likely is not going to entertain
>opinions.  
>

I do have proof that he doesn't want to pay child support.  He didn't follow the court order because he didn't want to pay that amount, which put him in arrears.  He received a letter from DESC stating they were going to put a judgement on his credit and the arrears is being reported to the credit bureau.  I don't know how much more proof I need.  I'm not saying that he is unfit.  But what I am saying his I know his motives, which is to reduce or eliminate child support.

I'm thinking of our son and if his father watches him it will be inconsistent and I will have to scramble for daycare when I already have something stable and secure in place for him.

Thanks for the opinions.

[Ref]

You don't have proof that that is his motive. You can assume based on past non-payment, but that is hardly proof.

People often have more than one driving factor in their actions. Could he want BOTH to spend more time with his child and a decrease in support?

Honestly, if SD lived closer I am sure DH would have prefered to parent her during the day (he works from home) over letting a stranger babysit.

Good Luck

Ref

[Sherry1]

in the eyes of the court.  He will probably get slapped with some sort of order to get his arrears paid up.  More then likely a judge will order joint custody.  You can argue the distance for him to babysit the child, but a judge will make a decision based upon the facts that are presented to him/her.

What do you have now, do you have sole custody?  

[onmytime]

Really I'm not trying to be argumentative here but I guess it looks as if i don't know what I'm talking about when I say I know what my son's father's motives are.  He has told me out of his own mouth that he was not going to pay and he wants joint custody because he doesn't want to pay child support.  He has done everything from not paying child support, claiming our son on his taxes when he wasn't suppose to and not reimbursing me for medical claims.  Sadly for him this is all about money.

Right now I we have joint legal custody.  But he is wanting joint physical custody.  

I understand that other people don't see what I live but I know my son's father.  He is not a bad father he is just more consumed with work than our son.  Our son is secondary and he only has time if it's convenient.

I understand that child support & custody are two seperate issues but when the motive is to obtain custody to get out of paying support the lines become blurred.

I know that my son's father wants to get joint custody because he has a wife breathing down his neck to keep the money in their house.  She hates me so that she is willing to watch my son in order for him to get out of paying support.  You see he isn't really going to be the one watching our son, his wife is.  But he's not going to let that be known to the court.

[Ref]

Sorry I didn't read your reply above to me. I was not calling your mom a stranger. I was calling the daycare that he goes to 2 days a week the "stranger".

Also, his SM shouldn't be a stranger to him. She should be part of his family. It is a shame that you see her as such. I often wished that my SD's BM accepted me as another female adult role model in her life instead of an intruder. Sorry, I can't help but looking at my own experiences when these things come up.

This was my post before I read the reply to me above.


You know your ex much better than any of us could. My point about his motive is that unless you get it in writing OR he is dumb enough to admit to it in court, you have NO proof. Without proof, you will likely have to share your parenting a little more, whether it is with him, his wife or whomever.

Even with proof, I can easily see a judge saying that regardless of motive, a child is better raised in the home of a parent than in the home of a grandparent or stranger.

Good Luck with your struggles,

Ref

[onmytime]

My son's grandmother (I moved back in with my parents because he was not paying support and I could not afford rent, daycare & everyday bills) is hardly a stranger!  We live with my parents who are very supportive and loving.  I would hardly classify my son living in the same home (his home) as being with a stranger.

No I don't have proof of his motive, which is frustrating.  He could want to spend more time but he has shown no effort to do so.  

Statistics show that joint custody doesn't lead to more parenting time.  It leads to the other primary caretaker having the additional responsibility to take care of that child.  And in my situation my son's father is going to continue to travel for work, go to conferences, and be on call.  The only difference now is his wife will be parenting instead of him and he gets to reap the benefits of not having to pay support.  And truly have our son spend time with what I call a STRANGER.

[onmytime]

Believe me when I say I wish we could all get along.  And I understand when you say I should see her as family.  I have an older daughter (14)and her father and I get along GREAT.  His fiance is wonderful and I really like her.  

However my son's father's wife has done some very distasteful things, such as calling my former employer to get information about me and writing my parents letters saying how she hates me (by the way I'm 36 and a little old for juvenile games).  She also went to my son's daycare and told the director she didn't like the facility and would never send her own kids there.  So I apologize if my writing indicates some distain for her.

I believe in parents, step-parents and extended family getting along for the best interest of the child.  However I also do believe there are boundries that are clearly defined and have been overstepped.  I have been very patient and know my son's father's intentions.  I only wish he cared as much as my family and I do about our son and not about his money.

Thanks......

[backwardsbike]

HI!

I am sorry I am late chiming in here.  I am a NC mother.  I used to have joint custody of my kids, true 50-50.  Then my X became tired of paying $250 a motnh for two kids AND found himself a new woman who hates me as your X's wife obviously does you.

They took custody from me based on my ew husband's very distant past which was made to look like somethingit was NOT.  They never made their dislike of him known until AFTER we had a child together.  My choice: Make my infant suffer by divorcing my husband to retain joint custody of my older kids OR go to EOW weekend with my older kids and maintain a family with my husband and young son.

I couldn't beleive I would loose in a custody eval!  I am a nurse, hold child clearances, as does my husband, and am a certified parent educator.

Well, long story short, I lost the eval.  had to take a psych eval myself to prove tot he judge that I am not crazy ( custody evlauators are not always unbiased!) AND have my husband evaluated so he didn't have to be supervised when around the NC kids.  Mind you he was a stay at hme dad with our infant while I worked outside thehome!  But he still had to be supervised while the NC kids were here.

My older NC kids have been PAS'd but I cannot prove it.  It has bee six years since we have had joint custody.  Of all the things I wih I could change it is the child support issue.

You see, I asked for support because after our baby was born I stayed at home ( and provided daycare to the kids who are NC) while my husband worked as a cook.  He worked six days a week, ten hours a day.  But with our new baby we couldn't make ends meet.  I asked my X for groceries when the kids were with me.  That was everyday becasue he worked full time and my own overnights.  he refused becasue he was still angry with me for ending our marriage.  So on my lawyer's advice I took him for support.  Then it hit the fan.

Should he have been paying the support?  yes.  Should he have taken advantage of me while I provided free daycare?  No.  But people are what they are.  he told me he wouldn't pay support.  He never looses.  he took my children, demeaned my husband, and PAS'd my NC kids.

Now his wife watches them, becasue like your X mine is an engineer and totally wrapped up in his own issues.  She hates me as your X's new wife hates you.  So she has ample opportunity to instill PAS.

Every visit with my kids is hell becasue if I discipline them  for disrespect he runs tot he judge to say I am abusing the  kids or retalliating for loosing custody.  Some days I just hold my breath dn wait for the time to take them home to come.

So, withhtis experience in mind, I suggest that perhaps the two of you engage in mediation.  Perhaps with a chance for each of your concerns to be heard AND a chance to possibly negotiate parenting time and child support payments you can work out your own solution without going to court.

The more you can keep this in your hands, and not put it before a judge, the better the result will be for your son.

You can agree to lower than guideline support in most states.  Check with your lawyer on this.  AND if he really wants to spend time with your son ask for his plan on how he would do it.  Maybe ther eis some workable solution to all this that neither of you cans ee becasue you don't want to hand over your son to another woman to take care of ( which i understand completely) and he doesn't want to feel like an indentured servant ( which is what paying child support makes you feel like).

I now pay my X who mkaes 70K a year support for our two kids.  I am now on disability ans pay $150 a month for th e two kids.  Thisis not a great amount, but I am collecting food stamps, have no medical care for myself, and am lucky to be able to afford the very basic necessities of lifel

The judge,a fter six years is finally seeing my X's motives.  But they children lie to evaluators and even tot he judge about what goes on in my home.  The judge just ordered my X and I to counseling on my request.  I hope to bring the children in but he will not agree, so that may take the judge's order to accomplish.  And I have no gaurentee of ever rebuliding my relationship with the kids I have lost.

Please learn these lessons now:  Life is not fair and there is no justice in family court.  Kepp this between you and your X.  Learn the laws of your state.  DOcument each and everything that ever goes on in the life of your child.  Keep logs of when you call your son when he is with his dad.  When the dad calls your son when he is with you.  All convos between your X and you.  Each and every time he misses parenting time.  Keep reciepts for eery dime you spend on your child and keep track of all the expenses your X did not reimburse you for.  This way, if you end up in court you will be prepeared.