stepson coming to visit

[wife1]

i know it sounds terrible and i feel guilty even saying it out loud but my stepson is coming down for the holidays, and even though i know he probably wont be with us the whole time i am dreading it. I am worried about how he will treat our kids because his attitude is changing and the last time he was here this summer he was not very nice to our 6 yr old daughter ( his half sister). It upsets me that she has even told me she doesnt want him to come over becase he is mean, maybe if he was still  a bit younger i could find an excuse for him but his behavior but he is 13 and i think he should know better by now.Plus his attitude has alot to do with his mother and her crummy attitude rubbing off on him and the nonsense she fills his head with. His treatment towards the girls makes me not want him around and i dont want to feel like that or treat him differently and my kids feed off of that. So now i just dont know what to think , I know him not coming is not an option unless his mother decides to be a piece of crap as usual. How do I deal with this issue?

[ocean]

Have your husband pick him up himself or take him into a private room when he gets there. Tell him it is the holidays and the girls are excited and let's have a good week together. It is the age too, early teens are not so nice.. But he needs to be respectful in your house. Tell him that different rules at different places (mom, dad, and school). Teens are all about their friends and he is "forced" to leave for his vacation. If he is not use to little siblings at home all day that could also be an adjustment. Maybe let them have a few hours of boy time too while he is there.

[MixedBag]

As a stepmother -- when I was one -- when his kids came, they were coming HOME....not just to visit.

As an additional adult in the home, I laid down ground rules too -- or at least stepped in when I saw something wrong.  My position was that they are "children" and need to respect the adults around them....I'm not MOM, but they respect teachers at school, they can respect me too. 

FF today -- I still get along and keep in touch with all three former steps even though their Dad is EX#3.

I also hovered and kept a close eye on the whole situation mainly because OSD and MSD's relationship could go from zero to WWIII in a blink, and SS would start crapola with anyone he came across....mainly my son.  All three are wonderful kids -- now adults, and they'll admit to all that happened and wish they acted differently.

[wife1]

Actully he is #3 of 5 kids and right now he is the oldest in the house , so I know he is used to being around smaller kids for sure, I feel its just resentment towards our kids. Because of the situation and how his mother is i try hard to make sure he feels like this could and is his home too, but since we only see him 2x a year summer and christmas i know it is alot of resentment towards the girls that probably makes him act like that. That is something i dont know how to deal with and it is something i will not tolerate. I never want my husband to feel like he is in the middle but its hard to get him to understand and see what is really going on because I know his guilt of not being around plays a big part in him not laying down rules.

[Jeeplady]

I have been through that same situation and found that stepson would get bored at our house and try to start stuff by teasing the little ones (he thought it was funny).    There was about the same age gap as yours and we just didn't have enough to keep him busy--his Dad worked a lot so he felt 'dumped' with me and the girls.   He was also a video game addict--(his mom gave him unlimited time) and he thought it was funny to let the girls play with him, but then put the 'cheats' on so he would always win, etc.....just crappy mean stuff but then they got wise and wouldn't play anymore .    He wasn't around enough to make real friends in the neighborhood, there was a kid next door but they didn't get along well--again, stupid stuff like trading baseball cards, then being unhappy with the trade and starting stuff.    I finally put my foot down with hubby and said 'you need to make plans with him while he is here---one on one boy time!'.   Even just going outside to toss a football around or go to a high school game helped a lot.   Now they are all grown and gone but there are still stories that come out once in awhile---he taught them how to shoot spitballs at the dining room window, etc etc......I think a lot of it is just the 13 year old in him.....he has to just grow out of it.

[wife1]

I really wish that was all it was but unfortunalty he has always been that way with our kids, with my/our oldest who is 6 he cant stand to be around her, wont speak to her other than to tell her to be quiet or get away. His father works all the time and is never here so your right he is always stuck with me for the majority of the time. Plus when ever no one is around I hear him tell the oldest one things like " you have to listen to me" so I had to tell my girl she doesnt I certainly dont want him taking advantage of her.

[wife1]

saw something i wish i had not because now i am just getting seriously angry. Bio mom is adding a hyphen and step dads last name on ss name. It might not be a real big deal seeing as how it is on fb but if she is doing it there than who knows where else she is doing it.

[ocean]

It sounds like mom is saying things to him about your house/child. If this has been happening for years then you are dealing with PAS. As for the name change, she can not legally do that unless she has sole legal custody. If your husband has joint then she needs his signature on the paperwork for the courts or have a court date. I would leave it alone until after you have him this visit so she does not use this against you. Print out the facebook page as evidence. After he leaves, he can send her a short letter that you expect son to use his legal name and if she continues to use step-dad name you will take it to court. See if it comes out during the visit too...if he does it at school (you can request school records and see how mom filled out emergency card and registration). He may be just trying to fit in at mom's since everyone else has XX as their last name.

[wife1]

What is PAS? As a matter of fact I can remember when she sent a pack of school pictures it has the step dads name on it to. I know she does that kind of stuff just out of anger but its wrong and having him do it too is even worse. He had one before but it was a joint account with his younger half brother and both I and my husband were friend with him on it but after my husband and his mom got in an argument this summer she deleted the account. She never informs us of anything going on with him and hardly answers the phone so the only way we got to see pictures of him was through her account and his and now we never see anything or know anything. We cant prove but we know she tells him things about us and the kids, even though we cant prove anything. Once when she was pregnant with her last kid she told him that our kids werent his siblings only hers. 

[wife1]

Mom Jailed for Letting Son Use Step-Dad's Last NameApril 9, 2010 by Sheree R. Curry (http://credovie.wordpress.com/author/credovie/)A mother must spend 10 days in jail for signing her son up for a baseball league using his  stepfather's last name instead of that of his biological dad, the Alabama Court of  Appeals ruled (http://www.courthousenews.com/AppellateOpinions/CIV2080639.pdf).Lisa Preston was required to have her son use the last name of her  former husband, Matthew Saab, when playing sports, according to the parties 2005 divorce decree, but in 2008 she did not use the Saab last name when she registered the 13-year-old.  She claimed it was the boy's choice. But as we all know, children can be influenced. The appellate court determined that the child, who ultimately put his first name on the back of the jersey instead of either last name, felt caught in the middle trying to please both parents, who divorced in Alaska in 1997, two years after he was born, although the parents had separated some time before then.
  I know its terrible but im glad I found this, maybe we could use it to help us