When the ex doesn't follow the CO

[Valondra]

My BF has joint custody but visitations is standard. Every other weekend, two week days every other week, alternating holidays and three weeks in the summer.

His ex does not follow the CO unless she has to (law officers will enforce visitation - or she would deny those) She treats my BF as if he is a babysitter that the court has ordered her use. The divorce was final 2 years ago. He usually does not say anything to her regarding her following the CO. - they are basically no contact. BF doesn't want the conflict.

A couple of weeks ago, oldest daughter (OD) had a school concert. The only reason he found out about it was because he showed up at school (he usually comes to school to see her about once a week) the day of the concert and asked him if he was coming. He could not come because it was short notice. He sent his ex an email and quoted the CO that said each parent is to notify the other parent of all school activities that the parents are invited to (like a concert). She wrote back that she only found out about it the day before (yet still couldn't notify him) but she claims it's not her job to keep him informed. He does his best trying to stay informed of school activities - he goes to the school every week, talks to the teacher, involved in PTA, but the problem is the school doesn't update their website and information is sent home with the student. However, the ex doesn't relay the information to him. So that is the only time that he has written her and asked her to in the future follow the CO - but she will probably not do it.

Last week OD told us that they were going to another state for spring break - she didn't know when or where. The CO says that each parent is to notify the other parent a basic schedule, location and phone numbers where the children can be reached if the parent takes the children out of town. She has never said a word about taking the kids out of town for spring break. I'm assuming that since OD told us where they were going for spring break (vaguely) that is she is not required to say anything more. Although it also says in the CO not to use the children as messangers.

He hasn't been able to talk to them in a week, although he has tried once each evening. CO says reasonable phone contact - but that's a another issue. Should he send her an email similar to the one he sent about the concert stating that he understands that they went out of town for spring break, but according to the CO he should be notified and to please in the furture notify him when she will be taking the kids out of town?

Not to mention that because they are with the ex for spring break and Easter weekend, the kids won't be able to see their dad for 25 days and he feels the least she could do is let him talk to them every couple of days. If he brings up calling them and her not having them call him back, she will probably claim that they didn't have phone service in the other state - which I doubt is true. Not to mention if they are staying at a hotel, hotels usually have phones.

That woman just frustrates me to no end!

[ocean]

Pick you battles. I know they seem huge right now but when you have to deal with years and years of it, you learn to pick them.
School- Give the teacher a folder, ask that she put an extra copy of anything that goes home during the week in it, and when he goes there once a week he will pick it up. Do not send it home with child. Now that you know she is in a music group, call the music teacher and ask for an email for future activities.

I know it is hard to be one step in front of her. It is good that he is involved in school and can get most of the info that way.

The vacations, he can send a similar email and say that you will give her all info when you have child for summer visits. Some people wait until they have child, get on the flight and email once you are on the ground or at destination so other parent does not interfere. Always travel with your court documents.

She really has 25 days in a row now? He should stick the CO and send gentle email reminders that he will be at pick up as the court order states on XX day at xx time. Ignore any ranting emails back and just one sentence if needed answers.

[tigger]

That woman just frustrates me to no end!

Be careful.  That last statement speaks volumes.  It's about his tolerance level with her, not yours.

[Valondra]

That woman just frustrates me to no end!

Be careful.  That last statement speaks volumes.  It's about his tolerance level with her, not yours.

He's so passive, she could probably beat him to a bloody pulp and he wouldn't do anything about it. I wish he would stand up for himself sometimes. But I have learned to shut my mouth, walk away and tell myself "Not my Problem". This may sound mean but I did not marry her, sleep with her or have children with her. I try to do what I can, when I can but I no longer bend over backwards for BF when it comes to his ex-wife and/or children.

And yes there is nothing he can do about the kids being with her for 25 straight days. Vacation and Holiday trump regular visitation. It was her regular weekend before spring break- he did ask her for this weekend but she said no. Spring break is two weekends plus the week in between. The next weekend is Easter weekend. The week days that they would have been with him fall during spring break. It's just the way the schedule falls - nothing he can do about it.

Like I said - he used to not say a word to her about anything that she was or wasn't doing in compliance with the CO. Just recently he started emailing her and asking her to follow the CO (Kind of a warning). It didn't and will not do any good because all he gets back is snarky remarks from her. I just wanted to know if he should keep emailing her regarding things or just go back to he way it was before. It's more about how it will look for court down the road.

Will a judge think that since he never said a word about it - then he is ok with it? If the parenting plan is a set of rules and when she breaks the rules and he doesn't say anything, then will it look bad on him for not pointing out the rules that were broken. His take on it is the less he communicates with her, the less conflict there is regardless if she is following the rules or not. He follows the parenting plan to a 'T" because he wants to eventually get more of a 50/50 parenting schedule and that is not gong to happen if he screws up.