High Conflict Ex

[BeKind]

I have been divorced for a few months now. We have an almost 5 year old son and have joint physical and legal custody. 50/50 one week on, one week off arrangement. I have so much on my mind about this I am grateful to have found this forum.

1. My ex is an extremely high conflict person. I am completely the opposite and avoid conflict in every manner. I feel sometimes as though it is impossible for us to co-parent. I have limited any conversation between the two of us to only being about our son and only through email. I had to change my cell phone number just to avoid his harassing text messages. I have also had issues with his mother, including a protective order. I live with my boyfriend, whom my son loves, but this arrangement is just another thing that my ex has an issue with. My ex has repeatedly said inappropriate things to our son regarding my bf, including asking if he "touches him" which upset my son extremely. One instance, my son told my ex that my bf had spanked him (which he never has, they are never alone together as I understand this is a concern of my ex's) and later my son admitted he was lying. Upon hearing this, I spoke to my son regarding how his lies can hurt people and that he needs to be sure to tell the truth but that he could always tell me if anything ever bothered him or if anyone ever hurt him, including my bf. My son has actually asked that we no longer talk about my bf, to which I completely respect. I can tell he honestly feels put in the middle of it. Any time my ex and I have anything to discuss regarding our son, it always ends in emails with him calling me names, insulting myself or my bf, etc. I have repeatedly asked him not to do that and do not respond any further if he cannot have an appropriate conversation. I keep documentation of EVERYTHING, including recording every pick up/drop off of our son. There is always conflict, of which I can prove absolutely none is brought upon by me. My bf completely stays out of it and has zero contact with my ex in any way. My question here is, are there any suggestions of ways to get him to come around to putting our son first and stop with all of the conflict? If not, what can I do about this legally? I expect in the near future he is planning to move out of state which will require us to go back to court as is in our divorce agreement.

2. We constantly have issues over our custody arrangement. As stated, it is 50/50 with one week on, one week off. We also have a holiday schedule. Any time there is a holiday schedule change, I email him asking how he would like to arrange for exchanging our son, most times we usually just have the receiving parent pick him up from daycare that day. I am the kind of person who likes everything to be planned out ahead of time so we don't run into these conflicting situations. He continues to not want to abide by the court agreement, so we end up going back and forth about it for days. We currently have the issue of Mother's Day as our agreement states I will have our son the Friday before Mother's day after school recesses until 6pm on Mother's day. As our son is not yet in school, he is arguing about the time we exchange him.

We also have the issue of right of first refusal. I have only needed to use a sitter twice since our divorce, both times I gave him right of first refusal and let him take our son overnight, even though I only needed someone for a few hours. So in essence, I am giving him more time than I would have had him at a sitter. He constantly has a changing work schedule which means working nights at least 1-3 nights per week. He almost never gives me right of first refusal for this even though it is stated in our decree. What can I do about this? I have documented each time as well as emailed him about it as soon as I found out that my son was with someone other than me, particularly when I had time off from work. He has also done this when our son's daycare lady was out of town and did not notify me. I mainly have an issue with when he works nights as I don't want my son sleeping at someone else's house and being taken home in the middle of the night when he could be with me in his own bed. At what point do I say enough is enough and have him held in contempt for not following the agreement? Is there anything else I can do?

3. My ex is in the military and has plans to get out in the next year. I know his intentions are to move back to where his family is. I currently have an issue with my ex's mother. There was a temporary protective order in place for stalking and harassment. We recently went to court over this, to which the judge issued a verbal order that she is not to contact me for the next few months until we go back to court again. We do have it written into our agreement that if one of us wants to move out of state, we have to go back to court. So I know I can expect this. What should I be doing in the meantime to prepare for this?

4. I constantly feel as though I need to give in to what my ex wants, just to avoid the impending conflict and arguments. I try my hardest to comply with his requests, ie. limiting video game time, having our son call him before bed each night (which I am not required to do), etc. Nothing in particular that I really disagree with. I just feel like he has so much control over my life, moreso than even when we were married. How do you separate all of this but still coparent and try to avoid the constant arguments that he starts?

[Simplydad]

BeKind - First things first.....take a deep breath. It helps....I do it often...lol   I deal with the same kind of personality when it comes to my ex so I will do my best to help.


I will address each point.


1.   Take a moment and accept that no matter what you do your ex will not change.  He will always be a high conflict person. Once you accept that you will be able to deal with it a little better.  At least it worked for me.  You need to change how you communicate with him.  You need to be brief and concise in your communications. Ask simple question that will require only a simple response.  When your ex responds to your requests calling you names and attacking you....ignore it.  When you respond letting him know that it bothered you he has succeeded in his goal.  When you ignore him you take the power completely away from him.  He wants and needs the extra dialogue.  He feeds off of it.  Nothing drives a high conflict person crazy like being ignored.  When you blow off the insults and refuse to acknowledge them it will drive him nuts.  When you make a request to him and he goes on a tirade simply ignore everything and reply with a simple sentence that you are still waiting for a response to your question.


Your ex has no intention of leaving your son out of this.  I am not question his love for his child.  He is just having a hard time letting go of his anger.  He has not moved on. In situations like this one of the parents has to be responsible and try to protect the child the best they can.  In this case you appear to be that parent.  When yo have your son do not discuss anything concerning his father.  The only think you should say to your son is that is father loves him and that when your son is with you all you care about is that he is happy.  He does not need to be in grown up business and he needs to concentrate on being a kid.  This way when your son is with his Dad there is nothing that can be grilled out of him.  Never say anything negative about the father when your son is home.  Even the slightest thing can be taken as negative it does not have to be name calling or anything like that.  Your son loves you both dearly and children are a lot more intelligent than people give them credit for.  They will recognize the problem parent.....you just need to love him completely and let him know it.


2.  This is simple.  The only conflicts here are the ones you allow. If your custody arrangement is in writing you follow it to the letter if there is conflict. Plain and simple.  I agree there should be some allowance for flexibility and adults should be able to get together and have rational, respectful discussions but that is not always the case.   Keep your request short and concise.  If you can't reach an agreement state you will follow the order and end all communication.  Keep in mind that while you may want to have everything planned out your ex may not want to and you should try to respect that.  Not trying to be jerk about it but could not think of another way to put it.


The right of first refusal should not be a hard issue.  The order states you should have it and he needs to abide by it.  If he works nights then you should have your son.  If he does not comply you will need to file a motion for contempt if it is constant issue.  A few times in front of a judge on this matter will get his act together.  Too many times and he will find himself getting standard visitation and not the 50/50 as it is now.  The question that you should ask is do you feel it is a fight worth having.  Is it very often or just occaisionally?


3. If your ex plans on moving out of state it is something you both will have to deal with.  It is going to change the visitation order for sure.   Also since he is confrontational you may want to prepare yourself for a custody battle.  He will have a hard time with winning that but you need to prepare yourself.  If you feel this may be an issue you will want to really consider the contempt filings for the right of first refusal issue. 


4. While I understand giving in to prevent the conflict you have to ask yourself a very important question.  Is it in your son's best interest to constantly give in? What I mean by that is you should consider what impact your giving in will have on your son.  Arguments only happen if you allow them. An argument requires two people and if the other person is not biting than all you have is one person blowing hot air.  Also please remember that whatever goes on in your house is your business. Your ex has no say and unless it is detrimental to the welfare if your son he cannot demand anything either.  If you want to let your son spend an entire day playing Xbox one day than that is your business.  If you let your son play Xbox all day every day it could be a problem because it can affect his education because when will he do homework (I know he is only 5...thinking ahead) From what I am reading not only are you giving in you are also allowing your ex to tell you how to parent as well. 


When your son is with your ex does he have him call you every night to say goodnight?  Simple things like that make a world of difference.  He can't demand something and not do the same thing in return.


You are giving your ex control and the simple resolution to that is to just ignore him. When he tell you that you need to do this or do that.....ignore it.  When he gets mad at your lack of response....ignore that.....when he rants.....ignore that.....when he calls you names....ignore that......when he makes unreasonable requests....ignore that.........see the pattern? Replying to his negative, controlling responses give him control.  Ignoring them takes that control back.


Now.....another thing the confrontational person loves to do is make threats.  Ignore them.....a judge is not going to entertain an ex dragging you into court because they feel you let the kid play video games too much.   They are not going to listen to something so stupid as she will not have him call me every night like he asks.  All of that stuff is nonsense and judges hear that all the time.  What is most important is the welfare of the child.  As long as you take care of him there is nothing your Ex can do.


Hope this helps.

[Kitty C.]

Simplydad gave a VERY good response, since it is apparent he's been there, done that.  If I could add only one thing, it would be this:  when you look at the entire situation from the standpoint of perspective, consider this....when he LOVES his child more than he HATES you, things will get a whole lot better.  But that is only for him to decide.....

BT, DT, too.....

[Waylon]

Simplydad gave a VERY good response, since it is apparent he's been there, done that.

I agree 100%...excellent advice, and well said, Simplydad.

[Waylon]

Take a moment and accept that no matter what you do your ex will not change.  He will always be a high conflict person.

This is a critical point that many people have a hard time coming to grips with. Simplydad is spot-on...your ex is probably always going to be this way, and the sensible thing to do is a) recognize it for what it is and b) understand that this is how he's going to be no matter what you do.

Some people change, and some unfortunately do not. I spent years trying to reason with my ex and work amicably with her to no effect. She is just as difficult to deal today as she was 15 years ago.  My son is now 18 and my contact with his mother is minimal, but in all that time she never relaxed one bit. She didn't get better, she didn't get more reasonable, if anything she got worse.

Recognize that your ex is going to be in "permanent rampage mode" forever, and approach dealing with him on this basis.

[Remi2]

Simplydad gave a VERY good response, since it is apparent he's been there, done that.

I agree 100%...excellent advice, and well said, Simplydad.

I also agree 100% with Simplydad and Waylon.  They are absolutley right about everything!  In the beginning, I too tried to get along keep the peace and appease the other high-conflict parent to avail.  It took me a little bit (a couple of years) but I learned that no matter he is never, ever going to agree with anything I suggest.  I would give in or be flexible but he would never reciprocate.  And I would get caught in the back and forth emails.  I put a stop to all of that.  I stick to the CO like glue and I ignore everthing.  When I get an email ranting about this or that with the peppered insults and snide comments throughout I say to myself, 'Pfft...yeah, ok...whatever' and keep it moving.

Keep documenting everything and keep your emails (composed and/or replies) as breif as possible one to two sentences if you can.  Also try limit all your communications (preferably email only) to only if it is absolutely necessary.

[BeKind]

Thank you so much for the responses. For the most part I do just ignore anything he has to say. I have tried to keep my responses to a minimum. I guess I just get tired of it all sometimes. The Mother's Day stuff went just fine. I am assuming he realized that he had to follow the CO and didn't give me a hassle. I have decided that the phone calls to his father need to be limited to every other night at this point unless my son specifically asks to call his father. As long as he continues to make comments to our son as he has been (two nights ago it was telling our son that my house is not his home, only daddy's house is his home), I feel like they need to be limited. Our CO says I need to allow "reasonable phone calls" whatever that means. I think every other night is more than reasonable considering. I guess in the meantime I will continue to document everything. At this point, I am filing to hold him in contempt for not returning my property as specifically stated in our decree. I already have a file started on him documenting everything he says/does that is inappropriate or not following the CO. I am going to sit down and go through it to see just how many times he has violated the right of first refusal that I know of and if it seems to be out of hand I will be filing for that as well the next time he does it.

[brwneyedmom]

Our court order specified twice weekly phone calls from dad but son could call as often as he wanted. After dad made son cry at several bedtime calls over the location of a gameboy, I limited calls to before 6 PM so that son would have time to settle down before bed. I mean, son was VERY UPSET.  This gave DS 2 hours to calm down and start his bedtime routine. I just turned off the ringer after 6 PM.
With a high conflict ex, it's best to have everything including the kitchen sink, nailed down in the court order. If you can think of everything, that is. LOL

[BeKind]

Another quick question. I currently live with my boyfriend. It is only his name on the deed. Legally, am I able to tell my ex he is not allowed on the property? I limited the phone calls and told him I will no longer be answering the phone after 8pm when my son goes to bed. He is now saying if he does not hear from my son today (it has been 2 days that I did not answer) that he will show up at the house. I have told him in the past that he is not welcome there as he has threatened my boyfriend multiple times and always causes conflict. When he comes to pick up my son as part of our arranged schedule, I always wait with my son outside and have him pick him up at the end of the driveway so he can't even come to the door. I was hoping someone could tell me legally what are my rights as it is my boyfriend's property, however, it is my registered address.

[Simplydad]

Yes you can tell him that he his not allowed on the property.  Someone else's name on the deed has nothing to do with it.  You are a resident of the home and therefore have the rights as a resident.

I would simply tell your ex that if he shows up you will not answer the door and will call the police as soon as he shows up because you will consider that a threat.

Does your court order have something in it that mentions disturbing the peace? I think is standard in almost all instances where this is included.  Which is why some people show up with the constable to enforce visitation because they have a high conflict ex.

There is absolutely nothing he can do and if he pushes the issue can find himself charged with trespassing.

[BeKind]

You are all so helpful. Thank you so much for the quick response. I have told him repeatedly he is not allowed there and of course keep everything documented. I'm hoping he won't have the nerve to actually show up, however, I never know with him.

[Simplydad]

High conflict people above all else love confrontation and conflict......but they are also cowards too.  They love the confrontation as long as it is on their terms and they set the rules.  Now I don't know your ex but I am betting he is trying to call your bluff.  He may be counting on the fact that the threat of him showing up will be just enough to scare you into doing what he wants.


But I highly doubt he shows up at your home.  Once he does that he is threatening the home of someone else and your BF will be in the right to defend himself and his home.  I am not saying that your BF will resort to violence or anything like that and of course I would not recommend it.  However this is a situation your ex cannot control and he does not want to cross the line.  This type of power must be yanked from him.


You can just ignore him if he rings the bell.  If he will not relent and if your BF is willing have him answer the door and he can politely ask your ex to leave his property.  If he refuses than he can state that he will then call the police.  There is nothing in the order that says your ex has the right to do what he is threatening and then you will have a police report to go with all the other things he has done......another option is that you go to the door and tell him to leave and if he does not then you will call the police.  If he continues to threaten then you just call the police.   The reason I suggested BF answer the door is because while all of this is happening you can be distracting your son because I can assure you if he actually does show he will make a loud enough ruckus so your son hears him so he can claim later that you were trying to keep your son from him.


Bottom line is this.  You and your BF have a right to be happy and your ex does not get to dictate the terms of that happiness.  You have to show him that neither of you are concerned about his threats and you will live your lives how you see fit.  It is a united front that will deter him.  Sure he may keep with the emails and texts but he will now know that face to face he will just be shrugged off.   As stupid as this may sound your ex may have it in his twisted mind that your BF is afraid of him.  He uses the fact that you are outside with your son during visitation.  As stupid as it may sound I have an ex that has that same thought process.  Once we put an end to that nonsense she only sits and stews about it but does not utter a word about it.

[BeKind]

It's crazy that it has all come to this. We have discussed this in the past as to what would happen should he ever show up there. He will be warned verbally through the door (of course recorded) and if he does not leave the police will be called immediately. We also have video surveillance now that ex is unaware of. My bf plans to stay out of it unless he should try to enter the house at which point he has every right to protect all of us. I am sure he could keep my son distracted should I need to deal with anything. They have an amazing relationship.

One more side question. In terms of the phone calls. The state we live in is a one person notification for recording. If he were speaking to me on the phone, that person would be me. Does anyone happen to know how that would work if I wanted to record the conversations between my son and his father? I know I need to respect their privacy (this is in our CO) but some of the things he says are so completely inappropriate and have upset my son on multiple occasions. I just don't know what else I can do to document that. This is the only mention of telephone conversations in our CO:

The parents shall encourage liberal communication between the child and the
other parent. Each parent shall be entitled to reasonable telephone communication
with the child; and each parent agrees that he or she will not unreasonably interfere
with the child's right to privacy during such telephone conversations. Each parent
agrees to be restrained, and is restrained, from unreasonably interfering with the child's
right to privacy during such telephone conversations.

I understand no one here can give me legal advice as to what these rather vague statements mean legally, but I was hoping maybe someone had been through something similar.

[BeKind]

Sorry one more on the same topic... in terms of the right of first refusal... as my ex's schedule changes weekly, is there any way I can request from the court that he be required to give me a copy of his work schedule so I know that I am getting my right of first refusal each time? Right now I really have no way to keep track of this unless my son brings it up, and I refuse to be the parent that grills their child with questions each time they pick them up.

Also, does this apply when he leaves the child in the care of a family member such as a visiting grandparent while he goes to work? Our CO states:

Should either parent require child care to be provided by someone other than
himself or herself for a period of four (4) hours or more while the child is in his or her
physical care, the other parent shall be advised and given the opportunity to provide
such care for the child before other arrangements are made for such child care. Such
provision, known as the "right of first refusal" shall not apply when the child is placed
in the physical care of an agreed upon, professional, child care provider, such as
Safekey.

[Simplydad]

I would not record any of the conversations between your son and his father. I interpret the order to mean that it is forbidden that you do so and from what I hear doing so will make a judge very unhappy.


The key phrase in your order is reasonable phone calls and you can use that to your advantage.  First of all you have 50/50 custody and I personally see 3 times a week as very reasonable.  Basically I would do Monday/Wednesday/and Friday....your weekends are yours....he needs to get over that.


Now considering the fact that your son is often upset after the calls my advice would be to email your ex and let him know that while you do not know what the conversations are about your son seems to be very upset after his calls.  Try to be polite and put it in a manner that you are just making him aware of this. You want what is best for your son and you thought he should be informed.  Now one of two things will happen.  He will get the hint and tone it down during the conversation (very unlikely) or he will explode and probably cuss you out via email.   If he replies nasty let him know that you will limit the calls to Monday and Wednesday if your son keeps being repeatedly upset during his call.  Two times a week is still very reasonable considering the hostility and you even have documentation of his refusal to work with you.  However no matter what rule you set....if your son asks to call his dad....always let him (I am sure you already do this)


On the right of first refusal I would file a motion for contempt stating that your Ex has violated it. In court he will have to provide his work schedule and explain why he did not follow the order.  I am not sure if the court will require him to submit to you his work schedule but you will know when he is violating the order.  He will eventually start doing things the right way or he could lose his 50/50 custody arrangement.  One thing the courts take seriously (at least in my state) is that both parent work on having the child spend as much time with both parents as possible.  Once a parent interferes with that it could look unfavorably in court.


Also, no matter who the person is you get right of first refusal per the order.  He can not take the child to anyone else unless you state you cannot take your son.  If he does do that he will have to show proof that you agreed to it.

[OneMan]

Simplydad gave a VERY good response, since it is apparent he's been there, done that.  If I could add only one thing, it would be this:  when you look at the entire situation from the standpoint of perspective, consider this....when he LOVES his child more than he HATES you, things will get a whole lot better.  But that is only for him to decide.....

BT, DT, too.....

I agree. This is excellent advice.

But something caught my eye about your story--the time arrangement. I've been doing the 50/50, back-and-forth since my child was even younger. To me, a week away from either parent at that age seems very long. My arrangement at that age was that our child should never be apart from either parent longer than two days and a half days. Let me add that my ex takes High Conflict to an entirely new level. She turns even the most minor disagreement into emotional and psychological terrorism of unbelievable proportions. Avoidance of her really is the best way of handling it unless I want my entire day completely ruined.

Still, even with all of that destructive and sick behavior, I feel that the child's well-being is paramount, and at that age it meant as much regular time with each parent as possible. It goes without saying that the ex did not agree with me and felt that the less time with the father, the better. But she was and is just an extreme version of the classic high conflict ex. (With our child, she exhibits much, much less of this as far as I know, though I worry for the kid.)

A week on, week off would have been much easier for me, but not for the kid. For one thing, I would have seen much less of her. I don't know all the details of your situation, but it's worth thinking about.

[MixedBag]

About that trespassing -- I may have to disagree

Not too long ago....down here in Alabama, I was picking up litter (volunteer stuff), and found a full bag of trash with personal information IN the bag down to Social Security Number.  SO, I turned it into the police department  because it was on city property and they had signs up for trespassing.  The police department refused to take a complaint because I was not "hurt" and I didn't OWN the property.  The city (as in Mayor) was required to file a complaint.

(Mayor chose to make a phone call and take care of it that way -- person lived outside city limits, came to town to dump their trash etc.....instead of having their own garbage service).

[Kitty C.]

I also don't agree with the 2.5 day 50/50 split, OneMan.  Here's why:  a recent article in Psychology Today emphasized that with shared parenting in a high-conflict situation, the fewer times a child has to be exchanged between parents lessens the conflict for the child.  Since the child is exposed fewer times to the conflict between the parents, it lessens the anxiety the child has to suffer.

Here's 2 links regarding the article:
http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/2012/05/18/shared-parenting-reduces-conflict-benefits-kids/ (http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/2012/05/18/shared-parenting-reduces-conflict-benefits-kids/)
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/co-parenting-and-high-conflict (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/co-parenting-and-high-conflict)

It just makes sense that if you lessen the number of times conflicts can arise between the parents, the less the child can get stressed about it.  If there is a week on/week off schedule, then there would only be 4 times a month the parents would be exposed to each other and the child be exposed to the conflict.

[BeKind]

Our main reason for one week on, one week off was because he starts school in just a few months. It would be too confusing to follow his school work, etc. once that happens. He has actually adjusted very well to the split and just thinks he has two houses and mommy & daddy share him. We almost never speak to each other in front of our son as it will only lead to arguing. The only time he is brought in the middle is with the comments my ex makes on the phone to him (another tonight that I just had to email him about). I think I may call the court on Monday to see if there is anything I can do about it. This time he directly made insulting comments about me to our son, which is in violation of our CO. Stuff like this makes me only wonder about what goes on when he is at his dad's house.

[OneMan]

Our main reason for one week on, one week off was because he starts school in just a few months. It would be too confusing to follow his school work, etc. once that happens. He has actually adjusted very well to the split and just thinks he has two houses and mommy & daddy share him.

Yes, I understand your point about school. But at age 5, there was very little school work, so it really wasn't that big an issue.  Our kid usually ended up doing the work in one parent's house because the other parent didn't leave work until almost 8 in the evening, so all the homework got done in one place. Everyone has to do what they think is right and every situation is different. This seemed the right path for my child's situation. Today, our kid is well-adjusted and performs at a very high level academically. I think it's largely because of maximum exposure to both parents from a very young age and regular schedules.  I really did not enjoy having to see the super high conflict ex that much, but our child benefited. That's why I'm raising this.

I also recall that the ex wanted to have daily contact on the phone, sometimes more than once a day if she forgot to say something. I believed that was super important and there have never been any limits on phone contact. That goes for how many phone calls and for the length of the calls. It also goes both ways. I can call to her place when I want to. And daily phone contact has ended up being important for both her and me. I occasionally get the feeling that she doesn't like me calling and that she puts subtle pressure on our kid to get off. But I still call and she calls too. I believe that every possible line of communication between parent and child should be as wide open as possible. And if child and parent were apart for a whole week, phone communication would be even more important. Unless there's something very pressing going on, I let the call go on as long as they want to talk and go off and do other things. She generally does the same. That is one of the more positive aspects of the situation.

For me, the cardinal rule has always been and continues to be that there be maximum possible contact between each parent and child, both physically and by phone. I believe that the space between a child and their parent is a no-go zone for the other parent. By the way, the other parent hasn't always shared this view, and I've had to fight to get it this way and to keep it this way. Eventually she came to see the benefits, including to her, and so she mellowed somewhat. Mainly she saw the good outcomes.

[OneMan]

I also don't agree with the 2.5 day 50/50 split, OneMan.  Here's why:  a recent article in Psychology Today emphasized that with shared parenting in a high-conflict situation, the fewer times a child has to be exchanged between parents lessens the conflict for the child.  Since the child is exposed fewer times to the conflict between the parents, it lessens the anxiety the child has to suffer.

Here's 2 links regarding the article:

If the parents always argue in front of junior, then I'd have to agree. But if there's little arguing or mild stress, I think the benefits outweigh the separation. God knows that plenty of arguing goes on between parents in front of kids inside intact families also, so you never escape from that dynamic even in the best of circumstances.

[BeKind]

Honestly, I have really tried to allow open communication between our son and his father. As of this past week, I was even going to setup an old laptop in my son's room so he could Skype with my ex-inlaws, in an attempt to move past everything they have done to me (including me having to get a protective order). Every time I try to do something nice for no reason other than I think it would be good for my son, they prove to me over and over again why I shouldn't. It's just so hard to decide at what point those conversations with his father are doing more bad than good. Every Sunday that we switch, I just wait for the nasty email that follows. It's like clockwork now, and I've learned to ignore them, but I genuinely worry about how things are for our son when he is at his dad's. He mentioned to me yesterday that his dad says bad words about mommy. I told him that he could talk to me about it if he wants, and that if it really bothers him, all he has to do is tell his daddy he doesn't want to hear it. I emailed my ex regarding this, in the nicest way possible and not accusing in any way. On a positive note, however, his dad did give me right of first refusal this morning. Maybe we are finally getting somewhere with that.

[BeKind]

I spoke too soon. I had emailed him this morning telling him that since it was so last minute I would drop our son off to him in the morning but that in the future, he would have to pick him up since our agreement states receiving parent picks up and it's 30 minutes out of my way on my way to work (I know when he works nights he has off until around 3pm the following day). I just really don't have the time in the morning to be driving all over. I told him that I had no problem dropping him off at daycare if that is where he needed to go, but if he had to go back to his house, he would have to pick him up. Apparently he feels that he is doing me a favor by allowing me to have our son during the time he is at work and that he doesn't have to do it. I give up.

[Simplydad]

Honestly, I have really tried to allow open communication between our son and his father. As of this past week, I was even going to setup an old laptop in my son's room so he could Skype with my ex-inlaws, in an attempt to move past everything they have done to me (including me having to get a protective order). Every time I try to do something nice for no reason other than I think it would be good for my son, they prove to me over and over again why I shouldn't. It's just so hard to decide at what point those conversations with his father are doing more bad than good. Every Sunday that we switch, I just wait for the nasty email that follows. It's like clockwork now, and I've learned to ignore them, but I genuinely worry about how things are for our son when he is at his dad's. He mentioned to me yesterday that his dad says bad words about mommy. I told him that he could talk to me about it if he wants, and that if it really bothers him, all he has to do is tell his daddy he doesn't want to hear it. I emailed my ex regarding this, in the nicest way possible and not accusing in any way. On a positive note, however, his dad did give me right of first refusal this morning. Maybe we are finally getting somewhere with that.

I think you need to stop trying to go above and beyond what you are required to do.  The high conflict personality considers this something you are required to do because it is all about them.  In their minds they think you are feeling guilty about something or are being submissive to them.   If they want something extra they need to learn how to politely ask for it.


I follow one simple rule when dealing with things I am not required to do.  I never do it.......unless my child asks for it.  If my son asks to call his mother without hesitation I allow him to do so.  If there is a special event that my son wants to attend with the other side I allow it to happen.  I will never in any purposely restrict access to the other parent. 


Concerning the comments your ex makes it would be best to ignore them but continue to let your son know you love him and that he does not need to worry about that.  Children are a lot more resilient and intelligent than adults give them credit for and in the end the child will eventually recognize where the problems lies.  If you can afford it or have insurance that would cover it I would seriously consider contacting a child psychologist and make an appointment for your son.  Child Psychologists are experts at getting children to talk and know how to help them through it.  If you do go this route you should contact your ex and give him the opportunity to be a part of this.  You can basically alternate appointments. He takes him one time and you take him the other.   He may decide to use this as another means to verbally attack you.....


Just remember it is not about you and it is not about him. It is about your son.

[Simplydad]

I spoke too soon. I had emailed him this morning telling him that since it was so last minute I would drop our son off to him in the morning but that in the future, he would have to pick him up since our agreement states receiving parent picks up and it's 30 minutes out of my way on my way to work (I know when he works nights he has off until around 3pm the following day). I just really don't have the time in the morning to be driving all over. I told him that I had no problem dropping him off at daycare if that is where he needed to go, but if he had to go back to his house, he would have to pick him up. Apparently he feels that he is doing me a favor by allowing me to have our son during the time he is at work and that he doesn't have to do it. I give up.

That issue is easily rectified since your agreement says the receiving picks up the child.


Simply tell him that per the agreement he has to pick him up.  Tell him what time you normally leave when you have your son.  If he is not there to pick him up then you will just drop him off at day care.

[OneMan]

Honestly, I have really tried to allow open communication between our son and his father. As of this past week, I was even going to setup an old laptop in my son's room so he could Skype with my ex-inlaws, in an attempt to move past everything they have done to me (including me having to get a protective order). Every time I try to do something nice for no reason other than I think it would be good for my son, they prove to me over and over again why I shouldn't. It's just so hard to decide at what point those conversations with his father are doing more bad than good. Every Sunday that we switch, I just wait for the nasty email that follows. It's like clockwork now, and I've learned to ignore them, but I genuinely worry about how things are for our son when he is at his dad's. He mentioned to me yesterday that his dad says bad words about mommy. I told him that he could talk to me about it if he wants, and that if it really bothers him, all he has to do is tell his daddy he doesn't want to hear it. I emailed my ex regarding this, in the nicest way possible and not accusing in any way. On a positive note, however, his dad did give me right of first refusal this morning. Maybe we are finally getting somewhere with that.

With my high conflict ex I have learned that there is no such thing as "finally getting somewhere" with her. By definition, I think a person will never "get somewhere" with a high conflict person. That would mean they were not a high conflict person.

Bad mouthing the other parent is totally off limits. In my opinion, it doesn't call for a response in the nicest way possible. It calls for a warning, a warning you are prepared to follow through with with every legal means at your disposal. This doesn't mean an argument or a discussion. It means a simple, clear, unmistakeable warning to never try it again. Hopefully there is something in your order about that and you can show that he is in breach.

It's equally important to allow the child full access to both sides of his/her family--by phone, skype, whatever.

I see no reason why the word "priviledges" should ever be connected to communication with the other parent, even if child and parent end up hanging out on the phone for an hour (if there's nothing else going on). I personally find the whole punitive aspect of custody and time-sharing in this country pretty sick. The laws have been created in such a way that they are license for acts of vindictiveness, pettiness and punishment.   I don't want to add to that in anyway.