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New and scared

Started by Greenagain, Aug 20, 2012, 09:24:18 PM

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Some basics:I am 34 yrs old, I moved out of my marital residence in jan. I have a steady good paying job. And am a mom to a 3 1/2 yr old, I live in Kansas.

Background:I suffered from post partum depression. My soon to be ex didn't recognize it, nor did I, but wheni finally told him how I felt, he couldn't believe that I could be feeling like I didn't want to be around our son. This lead to many unravelings. First I reached out to another man and had an affair for a year. So to be ex found out about the affair through email, phone and friend email hacking. After he found out, he said I needed to end the affair or he would take my son from me. Bc after all, I didn't want him. The affair ended in early 2011 and I went into a deep depression. I felt trapped in a loveless relationship. I was too scared to leave bc of the threats, bc my ex made me feel like if I did anything I would ruin my sons life. In addition I drank. I got a DUI in 2010, continued to drive on a suspended license and sometimes still drove drunk. My life was destructive to say the least. I also took on a new job that required me to travel and entertain, not a great combination given the fact that I was already deep in the bottle.

I never drove drunk with my son. I did drink around him, I would pass out after he went to bed, but his father, my ex, was always there. I knew my son would be taken care of if I couldn't do it.

In 2012 I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I moved out, but agreed to counseling with my ex. We kept our sons life the same, so he wouldn't be affected until we knew the outcome of our relationship. This required me to get home around 10pm and be back at the marital house around 5am so he (son) wouldn't know I left. This wasn't ideal. I cried every night I left, but I knew I was doing what was best for him. I also changed jobs to one where I didn't have to travel as much and cut out the people who triggered me to drink. In April, my dad passed away, and my outlook on life has significantly changed. I adore my son, more than my heart can even beat. My drinking has gone from every night passing out to maybe a glass of wine with dinner.

My ex filed his petition before me, installing ome temporary orders that essentially say I can't stay overnight with him. (he hacked into my email again to see that my lawyer was set to file my orders the very next day, so he raced to court to get his in place first).  I counter filed and also filed my settlement proposal. I don't want his money, the house, or the items in the house. That is all material to me and I can support myself and my child with my salary. I wrote up a very specific 50/50 plan. Basically m/t with me, w/t with dad, fri with me, sat with dad, Sunday morning with dad, Sunday afternoon with me. He came back with the minimum, basically 2 hrs 2 nights a week and one 8 hour over the weekend with no overnights. He indicated I am an unfit mother and have an alcohol abuse problem and that unless I go to aa for 90 days I will never get overnights. He indicates that my past behavior has him concerned for the well being of the child. So my lawyer balks at this, says the only thing on record is a DUI, upon which I completed my probation successfully. She asks for mediation. Ex says to me tonight that I need to watch my back bc the only thing that will come about in mediation is that I will have supervised visits one night a week. He says he hates me and that I need to suffer and face the consequences for my actions.

I am scared. I am saddened bc he is using our son as a pawn in this divorce. I am so mad bc I thought maybe he would be mature enough to realize that agreeing to something that is even is what is best for our son. And that if we can agree to something, the next 15 + years will not be spent in court argeuing over whaling to switch a weekend or a holiday. He can be a total jerk, so I know he wil be steadfast in whatever the court document says.

Can he really get supervised visits? I know I used to drink and made some terrible decisions, but my life is very different now.


He can only get supervised if you are completely unfit and have a running history of neglect and or abuse.

That said. Your DUI did not involve your son. Stupid. Yes. Child endangerment though no. However you are dealing with a family judge. He can interpret it however he wants but it should hold no ground. I might say get a drug alcohol assessment done to show you have no dependency on Any substance. My ex used to do some drugs with me before kids were born, brought it up during divorce filing. I had one done told judge I hadn't touched a drug inYEars and took the assessment as a good faith gesture to which made him happy.

Not sure if the 50/50 thing will bounce in your favor as you (one)eft martial home and you traveled a lot so that can be easily argued he is and has been primary caretaker. Best thing is to show judge how you are adjusting to make transition to it now and provide best interests for kiddo.

Don't sweat the supervised shouldn't hold.

Kitty C.

But don't count on it, either.  If you get a 'good old boy' judge, he just might drop the hammer.  You have a LOT of work ahead of you.  Yes, your ex can be seen as primary caregiver, given your personal and employment history.  And the suggestion of taking a substance abuse assessment is a very good idea, but don't count on it swaying the judge, even if it's a stellar report.

What I am saying is hope for the best and work hard towards that...but expect the worst, too.  And if it does come down to supervised, ask for a graduated calendar with dates that increases your time and allows for unsupervised if all goals have been met.  Just make sure you follow through on everything the court asks you to do.  Good luck.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......