custody- children making choices. (this is pretty long)

[paramedicgirl]

So this is going to be kind of long. But to get to my question I need to let you know the whole story.

My fiancé and his ex wife have 2 daughters together one is 12 and the other is 10. I have been with my fiancé for 6 year (so I've pretty much helped raise the kids). When I first met my fiancé and he and his were just separated and they kind of had a joint custody thing going on. Me and the kids mother got a long pretty well in the beginning They  would stay with her some, but more with him. There would be times where she would say she was going to come get them and then we wouldn't hear from her for days.

She was dating this one guy and only lived about 30 mins from us but then they broke  she began dating this other guy and she moved about an hour away.  they ended up breaking up because she cheated on him and got pregnant. We actually helped her throughout her pregnancy. She ended up getting back together with the boyfriend she cheated on and he is now raising the kid as his own. In 2009 my fiancé's ex was keeping a girls for a few days during the summer. We like for the girls to call us some and tell us how they are. Well we didn't hear from them and we were getting worried finally his ex emailed him and asked if she could keep the girls for a couple more nights because they were having fun with some of their friends. My ex said that was fine but for the girls to please call him. Well a day or so went by and no calls or anything.

We kept calling and calling we got really worried so we decided to drive to her house an hour away. We ended up getting kind of lost because we had only been there once or twice. We finally made it there and it was pretty late about 11:00 at night. But I went and knocked on the door and no answer. Then the youngest daughter came to the window and I just told her to call us in the morning. So then my fiancé called his ex and left her a message. Well the next morning was horrible. His ex had sent him an email saying that until further notice she could not let him see or talk to the girls.

She had called DSS. That was the most horrifying day ever. We went to DSS in our county and they said that it was through DSS in her county but that we could not see or talk to the girls until they did an investigation. We immediately went to a lawyers office and try to work out some stuff. Well then in the midst of all this. She then claimed that when we came to her house that night that we pulled guns on her and threatened her. Which was completely untrue and ridiculous. We even had an email that showed that she never even came to the door or anything like that. So we went to court for the "domestic violence" claim she made. Stayed there all day long just for her to drop it in court. So that was over. Well we didn't get to see the girls for 2 whole months.

DSS did their investigation and found nothing wrong in our home and that he was a fit father and DSS had even talked to the girls and found that the things the ex had claimed were untrue. So we went to court and my fiancé won temporary custody and we were able to pick up the girls. It was  great that we were getting them but it was also bad. She had brainwashed the oldest one. She told her horrible things about us and said that her dad was going to make it so she could never see them again. Since we had temporary custody she only got them every other weekend.

Then my fiancé and his ex went back to court for the final custody hearing he told her that he wouldn't take child support out on her if she decided to sign over custody and big surprise (not) she signed over custody. ( they also signed divorce papers) It was obvious she never wanted the girls, she just wanted to make our lives horrible. How could you give up so easily right?. She now only gets them every other weekend, and she is allowed 2 weeks out of the summer. But my fiancé is nice enough that during the summer she gets them one week and he gets them one week and they switch off like that until school starts back. He also decided not to take child support out on her. Because he pretty much wants nothing from her. He just wants his children.

The youngest daughter tells us a lot, she has told us numerous times that her and the oldest daughter pretty much baby-sit their mothers other daughter while she sits on the couch and does nothing. The oldest daughter is very close with her mother so she won't really talk about the stuff because she thinks we might get mad at her mother or something. The youngest daughter has also told me that their mother tells them to go outside and play and she doesn't watch them. And they walk all through these woods near their mothers home and that they were even hanging out with older boys in the neighborhood. 

Their mother married the guy  that she was living with and he has 3 boys of his own. He doesn't have custody of them so he sees them as much as my fiancé ex sees the girls. Her husband also has a little girl that he does not have custody of and hasn't seen in years. So on the weekends when she has the girls there are 7 children in her and her husbands double wide... I mean that's crazy.

My fiancé ex is bipolar and we even have emails from her to my fiancé stating that she wasn't taking her medicine anymore. She is a pathological liar and she even believes some of her own lies. It's scary. The thing is she puts herself before anything else. She is not involved at all the kids school or anything. Also things like, last Christmas she took the girls to the church so they could get free gifts but then she turned around and bought her husband a huge flat screen tv. She can barely keep jobs. So I don't know where she gets the money from.

She said horrible things about us in court, which I was actually shocked because me and her were actually pretty cool with each other. But ever since 2009 she has not spoken one word to me. She has not even looked at me since before we went through  the entire custody thing. When we go to drop off the girls she and I do not talk and we don't look at each other. ( which believe me  I'm happy about, because I've wanted to say horrible things to her and if she even said one word to be I would probably flip out on her) But I have never said anything to her for the sake of the girls.

This comes to my actual point. The 12 year old daughter has a facebook. But her mother, father and I all have the password so that we can monitor it. I recently saw in a message to her friend in it she said that when she turns 13 she can choose who she wants to live with. She said she is thinking she wants to live her mom, because she has lived with her dad her whole life and she thinks her mom should have time with her too.
I know that she loves her mom. But her mom is just a flat out bad person. I cannot imagine her living with her and ending up being like her. I know she loves her mom but I think her mother has been trying to talk her into living with her.

So in the next year or so if she still decides to live with her mother? Will we have to go back to court and will the judge just let her go live with her. Even though the judge granted their father temporary custody and then full custody ( i mean you don't see that happen a whole lot, more now than it used to be but, most of the time the mother gets custody). I just can't see her  living with her. And honestly I don't really think her mother wants her there because she really wants her there or if its just something  to make my fiancé's life horrible. She doesn't say anything to the youngest daughter about it because she knows she will tell us. But she uses her oldest daughter. I just don't want to lose the girls either. They are like my own. I have spent so much more time with them in the past 6 years than she has even before the custody case.

So what will happen if the daughter does come forward and say she wants to live with her mother. My fiancé is obviously not going to just let her go to her mom after he and I and our families  fought so hard to take care of them and get custody of them. Will the judge take in consideration that their mother actually signed over custody to him?

[Giggles]

Relax....in order for the 13 y/o to go live with Mom....Mom would have to file and show a change in circumstance.  Even if the kid says she wants to go live with Mom, it's ultimately the Judges decision.


First of all I hope you're documenting everything.  Keep it in a binder that way if Mom does decide to file, you'll have everything you need right there.


Second of all....12 y/o girls are emotional, hormone crazy, drama queens....they will say one thing one day and the next day deny they ever said it or change their minds completely.  I know...I have a 13 y/o daughter...they're crazy! LOL!!!


When my son was 10 to 13 y/o he kept telling me that when he turned 14 y/o he was going to go live with his dad...he'd say "I'm going mom....my Dad needs some time with me too" (isn't that what she's saying?"  Well....my son is now 15 y/o and still living here with me.  I now joke with him about it especially when he's being irritating on purpose....I tell him "keep it up and you'll go live with your dad"....he gets this look of mock horror on his face. He has a great relationship with his Dad don't get me wrong.  He spends Christmas, spring break and all of summer with him.....but says he'd rather live here with me (I do spoil him...lol).


So don't fret it until you actually have a summons in your hand! 

[paramedicgirl]

Thanks! I know its ultimately the judges decision. I just worry because her mother is making the oldest daughter feel bad and tells her things to get her on her side. She has never said anything to us about wanting to live with her mother. Because she thinks we will get mad at her mother and she of course love her mother and I understand that. Its just a big mess. But you're right it's still awhile before she turns 13 and maybe she will change her mind again. Thank you again for your reply