Ethical question

[underground_wall]

I'm new to the forum, so I'm not sure if this is the appropriate place to post my question.

I have heard through the children grapevine (his daughter told my daughter) that my friend's wife is planning to move out and take the children.  He is not aware.

This wife is a little unstable, and very controlling.  She has bought a house, and says that she is "taking care of the money issues," and she has told her daughter that she will "make sure that she gets custody." This woman is the sole wage-earner in the household at the moment and is in control of the finances, so my friend still has no idea that she has bought a house and a car.

They have a 16-year-old daughter who is struggling in school. My friend worries and tries to make sure that she gets her homework done, but his wife tells their daughter that it's not important if she goes to school or gets good grades, so the daughter obviously likes the mother better. The mother has tried to alienate the daughter from the father, and is claiming that the daughter can choose who she wants to live with.  I'm afraid that she will make the wrong choice.

My questions are: should I tell my friend that this is going on? Obviously it would be best if he was able to prepare himself, but I'm afraid that it will be obvious that I found out through our daughters, and the wife is so unstable I'm afraid she might take it out on their daughter.  I'm also concerned that the friend will not believe me, since he currently has no inkling that this is happening.

Then the obvious question is, if I do tell him, what should he do to prepare himself?

Thanks for any and all help you can give!

[mistoffolees]

Tough question.

So much depends on the individuals involved, how close you are to your friend, and so on. There's another real risk that you haven't mentioned - that the girls are making it up (the daughter may be trying to cover for her poor grades, for example). If that is the case and you tell him, then you run the risk of interfering in a marriage where there's really nothing wrong. Since I don't know the people involved, I can't say if that's a one in a million or a 50:50 chance.

Personally, I would tell a friend in a situation like this. The information wouldn't have to know that it came from the daughter - lots of people presumably know some of the story (her realtor, car dealer, banker, etc). I would make it clear that I didn't have any direct information about the matter, and that there's a real chance that it's fake information, but that, as a friend, I wanted to let him know so he could look into it. If he doesn't believe you, there's nothing you can do about it, but you can sleep at night.

To protect himself, I can think of a couple of things:
1. I'd go to the bank and ask for a duplicate statement for the past few months to see if she really is spending all that money. He can probably get the same informatino from the credit card company. If she IS doing something, he'll need all that information to make sure he gets his share of the money if it ends.
2. I'd see an attorney. In many cases, the first visit is free, so even if money is an issue, he can get a high level view and also some times on what he should do. If things do go bad, the attorney will have the background and be able to move more quickly.
3. I'd be spending as much time as I could being visible with the daughter's school (signing her homework papers if they require that, going to parent-teacher conferences, and just generally being seen spending time with the daughter.
4. Start keeping a journal of everything that happens. Don't think of this as a 'I'm going to get even' book. Rather, it's a history book and should be very factual (I woke daughter up today, got her her breakfast, helped her with her homework, drove her to school, etc, etc, etc). In a custody battle, the more he can show that he's been a solid part of the daughter's life, the better.