Cannot accept boyfriend's daughter

[jessica Anderson]

Hello,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, and he told me from the beginning that he had an 8 year old daughter. But I only met her 6 months after we got together, just in case it didn't work out and we agreed not to get the child involved. We fell in love and he is the perfect man for me, I think we would have a brilliant future together. However, when the girl was introduced in the relationship, everything changed for me. it wasn't just the two of us, even if she lived with her mother, he sees her everyday, takes her to school and back, to the park as he is a dedicated father and would never leave her.

I was fine in the beginning and we bonded well as I did lots of arts and crafts with her and she liked that. I realized now that what started my unacceptance for the child was when she stayed over at our place she slept in the same bed as us, because we live in a studio flat so she can t have her own room. That intimacy at bedtime really bothered me, the fact that at week ends it wasn t just us two. I was away during the week anyway because I work in a different  city, and my only time with him was at weekends.

I started hating the situation, became resentful towards her and she obviously felt my resentment. Me and him started fighting a lot because of this. He does listen to me and support me, but he has a tendency of not understanding where I come from, why do I not like his child if she's the best child in the world for him? I consider myself too young to be a step-mother and not only that but I want a 2 person relationship ( I am 27 and he is 37). So I left the country and now I am in another country studying my masters degree.

However, I do truly love him and when I ended it with him he was writing to me and I gave in because I love him and now we talk a lot through skype. But when I see her with him it makes me sad and jealous and I don't know what to do and I want to understand WHY.

Can you help me with some advice? Can people get over this and accept these types of situations in the end? Do children with step-parents tend to get angry at their step-parents because of this thought that their real parents have been stolen from them? Are there frustrations in these children? If another baby comes along, would his child reject it?

And am I not accepting the situation because I am selfish and mean (as he tells me sometimes), or do I have my own frustrations from my own past which are being mirrored(I have big issues with both my parents, I don t even talk to my mother anymore)? My father never loved me as much as he loved her or at least he never showed it, and it bothered me to see how much he loves her and not me.

[ocean]

You had a lot going on, some had to do with you but some him too.
Did you try a marriage therapist?
I would find a therapist, meet them, if you don't like them, go to someone else. After a few sessions, invite him to go with you. There are some issues you both need to deal with to see if this will work out.

1. Child should have own bed, actually a CPS requirement, so the therapist can help with that. Child can have a pull out bed, day bed in living room or maybe look into moving.
2. He has a child and you would be the step-mom. Sounds like you did bond but what got between you was the sleeping arrangements. SO if that is taken care of ...maybe less resentment.
3. If you have a child, child will be with you full time, no weekend private time. He CAN hire a babysitter or allow child to sleep at grandma's, friends, or family house once in a while so you two can have date night. You can also do "date" lunches when child is in school.
4. Only you can say if you can do this, she is part of his family and she should be treated that way. When more children come along, they will be brothers/sisters. How the two of you make the family work will determine how brothers and sisters act.
5. You do not say where her mother is in this picture and if there is issues there.

A good therapist (hard to find so keep looking if you dont like the first one) will help you sort out some of this and help the two of you come to mutual agreements on some of these issues.