What do I do?

[shellyna]

My ex-wife and I seperated five years ago and where divorced 2 years ago.  When we seperated, she decided to move from WA to PA, while she was pregnant with our second child.  Shortley ther after I joined the military and went off to my required schools.  Because we were seperated and she and I weren't sure if we could make it work, I was unable to get a house for the kids, and unable to see them except at Christmas.  Now I am remarried and live closer to the kids and want to gain custody of them, becuase I feel I can better care for them.  My ex is claiming that I abandond the children and doesn't want to allow the children over to my house more then the courts require.  I hired an attorney and a GAL and they both sided with my ex.  My wife and I can provide a loving, caring home that is big enough for all of us, (she can't) and have no problems with them seeing their mom.  We don't bad mouth her, as she bad mouths my wife, and we would include her in everything.  However the PA court has told us that we have to prove her unfit in order to get the kids.  What do I do?

[Kitty C.]

Unless there is a 'significant change of circumstance' with the CHILDREN regarding their living conditions and well-being (you MUST be able to document it), you really don't have a chance of reverting custody to you.  Let's put it this way:  about the only way you could obtain full physical custody would be if the BM were convicted of a crime and sentenced to jail or prison for an extended period of time.  Or if she's physically abused them and they're taken away from her.

The best you might expect is maybe more visitation, but unless the kids are really in harm's way with her, reverting custody to you is almost impossible.

[Ref]

The court doesn't like to move kids around. As long as no real harm is coming to the child, I am afraid custody in this case is nearly impossible to change. If you look as many of the cases here, you will see you aren't alone.

For example, DH and I live in a nice neighborhood with one of the best public school systems in the country. We live closeby to all of SD's family. She has a nice bedroom and we are very interested in helping her grow to be a great adult.

BM lives in Section 8 housing in a neighborhood frequented by SWAT Teams. There are cockroaches all over her home. BM abuses medication. BM left SD home alone at night since she was 7. BM has little job experience. BM disowned all of her family. The school district is one of the worst in the country. BM allowed SD to miss 24 days of school this past year and SD is now failing.

Changing custody in our case was out of the question because BM wasn't convicted of a violent offense and wasn't an immediate and direct danger to SD. Eventhough SD would have grown-up with 150% more opportunity and would have turned out better than she is now, it doesn't matter.

My advice is to see your kids as often as possible. Review your agreement and compare it to the standard for the county and see if you can get increased time with your kids.

Good luck
ref

[mistoffolees]

First, you need to listen to what your attorney tells you. If you don't think they're representing you properly, get a different one. But the fact that the court, the GAL, and the attorney are all saying the same thing says something. However (note that none of the following is legal advice):

1. Seems to me that you are wrong in expecting to get custody. She can't stop you from seeing the kids. Even if you HAD abandoned them, you have the right to see them. But it doesn't sound like she's doing that. She's saying that you can see them as much as the court order says you can - which is entirely within her rights. The fact that you're remarried and have a nicer house doesn't give you the right to uproot the kids from the only home they've ever known. The court, your lawyer, and GAL are right - you're not going to get custody unless she's unfit and you can prove it. Not just "I think I"m a better parent" or "I have a nicer house", but actual danger to the kids.

2. Check your divorce decree. It should address custody. You either have joint legal custody with her having primary physical custody, or she has sole legal and physical custody (it's also possible that custody is not addressed at all, but very unlikely).

3. If you already have joint legal custody and she has primary physical, then you need to determine if the current parenting plan (called 'visitation' on older agreements) is reasonable. If it's reasonable (by community standards, not by yours, then drop the whole thing. If it's not reasonable, then you would go to court with a proposed parenting plan and ask for it to be ordered. If you're close enough, you could ask for 50:50, but it's unlikely that you'd get it. Better to start with a reasonable parenting plan that you have a chance of getting. I also think that this drastic a change should be phased in over a period of time for the kids' sake, but that is not done very often for some reason. It sounds like your existing court order already has a parenting plan in place - how much time do you have?

4. If she currently has sole legal and physical custody, then you'd need to file for custody. Frankly, you'll never get sole custody. You COULD ask for joint legal custody with her retaining primary physical custody and propose a parenting plan. My own view is that this is not significantly better than leaving her with legal custody unless she's really bizarre and would do things you don't approve of. In reality, joint legal custody isn't worth much if she retains primary physical custody (and she will). AND, if you sue for a change in custody (even going from her having sole custody to joint custody), you'll have an expensive battle on your hands - with a fairly low chance of winning.

5. Check what your agreement says for child support and make sure you're up to date. It doesn't technically matter with respect to custody, but it shows that you are thinking about the kids.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the courts rightfully like to leave things alone if the kids are doing well. You have to demonstrate harm in order to get the kind of change you're proposing.

[shellyna]

The proof that I have, has been ruled as her "chosen living conditions."  This includes many vaginal and belly button infections that my duaghter has had, untreated dental issues for my son, and both of them are pshycoligicly screwed up.  My ex tells my kids that "Daddy left them for their step mom"  and "Your step mom is a whore."  When my wife and I lost a baby together, My ex spanked the cildren becuase the started to cry when the found out.  She has choosen to allienate the children from me and this is okay?

[John-J-Jay]

I'm a proud and happy custodial parent of 8 yrs now. My suggestion is if you feel like you should fight for custody and have the financial means to do so. GO FOR IT. I think more dads needs to make a stance for what we beleive it.

If it wasn't for my ex giving up our child at the age of 2. There would have been no way in the world the court would have given me custody because i'm the dad. People on here will say the courts are not sexually biased well i beg to differ. I think women (as you can see i'm saying women not mothers because it takes a special person to be a mother) always has the upper edge on all custody battles.

Bottom line is do what you think is right for you and your kids, If that means fight for custody do so.  Hey if you loose at least you will be able to tell your kids that you at least tried to do what you thought was best when they get to be grown adults and in your heart at least you know you tried.

[mistoffolees]

>The proof that I have, has been ruled as her "chosen living
>conditions."  This includes many vaginal and belly button
>infections that my duaghter has had, untreated dental issues
>for my son, and both of them are pshycoligicly screwed up.  My
>ex tells my kids that "Daddy left them for their step mom"
>and "Your step mom is a whore."  When my wife and I lost a
>baby together, My ex spanked the cildren becuase the started
>to cry when the found out.  She has choosen to allienate the
>children from me and this is okay?

No one said that it was OK. Your original post simply stated that you wanted to take the kids away because you had a nicer house than your ex. This story is quite different.

PAS CAN be grounds for a change in custody in principle, but I suspect that it happens very rarely in practice. As for the other issues, if they were severe, they could also be grounds for a change in custody, but the fact that the court, the GAL AND your attorney all said that there's no grounds for a change suggests that they're not as bad as you say.

And I'd never willingly send kids to go live with a parent who says that they're screwed up.

[Ref]

In a perfect world, the child will be given a home to thrive in. This one is far from perfect.

Even if you fight for years and years, it is unlikely to produce any results other than a drain on your bank account and unbearable stress to you, your family, your kids. If there was a chance, I would say fight for it, but in this world we have to pick out battles.

My suggestion is to get some books on PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) and read up. I would also consider seeing a psychiatrist/therapist that handles kids that are subject to PAS or high-conflict divorce. I'm not saying anything is wrong with you. Sometimes you can get some great tools to handle some of the painful situations you will be confronted with in the future and how to avoid them. Later you can even bring your kids in. Make sure your wife also goes. As a SM, it isn't easy either.

As far as the medical issues go, I recommend that you take them to your family doctor and dentist for check-ups. If they are being neglected, the doctor will document it and possibly call Child Services on your ex. At that point you will have a case.

It is NOT ok for a parent to alienate the child from the other parent. I am in the deepest pit of this right now where SD isn't even emailing DH anymore and she and BM moved without telling DH where. Believe me, it is not pretty. You will not change BM's behavior though. Like Misto said, it is considered grounds for custody change on theory, but not usually in practice and the cases I have heard about were much more extreme than yours seems to be. You need to change the way you handle BM and your kids PAS behavior.

Read Divorce Poison and Joint Custody with a Jerk. Good books and maybe you will pick up some good tips that can save you and your kids some future pain.

I don't agree with Misto about saying your kids are screwed-up. My Sd is screwed-up. I love her and miss her terribly and I wish I could help straighten her out, but that will be left for her to do when she gets older. It doesn't mean I don't love her. It just means that she is being terribly damaged by BM.

Good luck with everything - and hang around here. There is a lot of support and good advice.

Ref

[mistoffolees]

>I don't agree with Misto about saying your kids are
>screwed-up. My Sd is screwed-up. I love her and miss her
>terribly and I wish I could help straighten her out, but that
>will be left for her to do when she gets older. It doesn't
>mean I don't love her. It just means that she is being
>terribly damaged by BM.
>

YMMV, of course.

My view is that there are other ways to say things. If he's saying that the kids are screwed up here, he's probably at least thinking it when he talks to them (or, even worse, saying it). I personally think that 'the kids are screwed up' is a reflection on the kids and will tend to create a way of viewing them that's unhealthy. 'They seem to be very confused right now due to the situation and could use some help' puts the 'blame' where it belongs - on the situation (and, perhaps, on the other parent).

It's just a matter of perspective. I'm sure that there are plenty of kids who are really suffering due to divorce, but I think that the words you use to describe the situation can either help or hurt. IMHO, 'the kids are screwed up' hurts more than it helps.

An analogy is the evidence that the way you talk to kids can strongly affect their school performance. When a kid brings home a bad grade, "you idiot, how could you do that?" is likely to cause more bad grades in the future. "that's not like you - you usually do well in school" will elicit a different response.

I'm somewhat sensitized to this because my ex was masterful at using seemingly innocuous language to inflict pain.

But, yes, my statement was probably stronger than it should have been.