15 year old, job and EX

[saulgood]

EX moved with son and daughter to another state 10+ years ago.  Current ages are son 17, daughter 15.  For three years daughter has asked to move to live with me and my family.  Finally when high school rolled around, she said she wanted to go to high school where I live.  After months of talking with my ex about it, the ex agreed to let her move.  She has adjusted very well to her new environment, excelled in her studies and sports.  Reports from teachers are excellent.  Agreement says that daughter is supposed to be with EX over the summer, minus a week here and there for summer sports camps.  But now daughter wants to stay with me over the summer and get a job.  She's applied and has an interview.  She wants to stay, prepare and train for her sophomore year of sports, and spend time with the new friends she made during her first year of high school as well.  If she spends the summer with the EX, she won't have a job, won't have access to better herself athletically, and won't have her friends.  She'll basically just be staying at the EX's house over the summer while EX works, and may occasionally catch up with an old friend, but daughter has said all the friends she has in EX's town have jobs lined up for the summer so she doesn't even know how much she'd see of them.

As for the son, for the past 2 years, even though he's 'required' per the agreement to come back over the summer, we've never held him to that 'requirement'.  He's come to visit, but hasn't spent the 'required' time in the agreement.  I've encouraged to get a job, and said that would be great for him, if that happens, we'd just see him less often.  It's near impossible to find a summer job for the very limited time that'd he'd spend with me over the summer, but a couple of weekends over the summer would suffice.  We try to be open about where he's at in his life in regards to school, friends, jobs etc., but I don't feel the same is given to my daughter.  Son has a pretty long leash and free reign with EX, but EX still tries to control daughter.  EX and daughter have had a pretty contentious relationship over the years, whereas son has been treated like the golden child by the EX.

So I'm looking for experiences with a situation where a 15 year old (16 in October) wants to spend less time with a parent in another state (or a significant distance) in order to get a job, and prepare herself athletically for the next school year.  Honestly, I've dealt with it with my son, and I try to be understanding of his feelings in this matter and I've grown to live with it.

[ocean]

Hard one but at least for one more summer she should go to mom's.
Can she get a summer job near mom? Apply now to summer camps at schools/camps. Any summer type places -outside sport theme park places. Sometimes she can get a job by you and transfer to same store by mom for those weeks (some kids do that for college/breaks).  At 15 , still pretty hard to get a job (16 a lot easier here with types of working papers).

Have you brought it up to mom? At this point, court will most likely not force her to go and would take weeks/months for mom to even get a court date if she brought this to court. Maybe she can go see mom at spring break instead and maybe one week in the summer (she can take off work) and see mom again?

It is almost to the point where mom and daughter need to work this out but at the same time there is a court order. See what mom's reaction to all this is and then you can see what choices you may have. Offer mom a few choices and see...

[MixedBag]

I agree -- as the NCP, I sure appreciated that my son "made time" to come see his family here over the summers.  He had band and work and this and that.... 

My girls had to go see their dad -- and the oldest actually took the order in to work one May and said "Hey, I'm court ordered to go see my dad so please don't fire me."

At that age -- I don't think it's unreasonable to ask an employer to be flexible -- and yes, I'm "proud" of what OD did and she kept her job. 

As the receiving parent.....I am positive that dad enrolled our son in everything he could fine as reasons so that our son wouldn't have "time" to come south to me.

SO....find a balance between it all.    Maybe more weekends that what happen now will balance it out. 

[saulgood]

I tried to approach this subject in a gender neutral manner, but since you're saying 'mom', we'll go with it.

Daughter did talk to her mom about this, and it was the anticipated train wreck.  Comments mom made to daughter, "I can guarantee you a job if you come back this summer, I know people", "my heart aches, I don't know how I'm going to get through another school year without you", "I can email your coaches to talk to them about your camps".  Daughter told me it was difficult to talk to her about it, because she doesn't stay on point of the conversation (but she never has).  Daughter ended the conversation with her mom as 'this conversation isn't going anywhere; I need to get off the phone now'.

Mom (as well as children) does have the ability to fly as an employee standby passenger on a major air carrier, with that flexibility mom can come and visit whenever without paying for flights, and she has.  Daughter said she could come out some over the summer depending on work schedule, as well as mom having the opportunity to come here to see her. 

She is scheduled to go to see her mom over spring break, but she's worried it'll go like all other visits to see her mom.  Mom mopes around, and is pouty and sad the whole time she's there.  She said that a couple of times over the Christmas break her mom would just stare at her.

The job interview is for life guarding. She was pretty excited to fill out an application and get a call back for an interview as quickly as she did.  When looking for local summer jobs for my son a couple of years ago, and talking to managers (that I do know) at local stores around us, they said summer jobs fill quickly, and applications need to be in early.  They also said, those applicants that only have 8 weeks to work, aren't going to get many opportunities, unless it's a specific short term seasonal position.  The life guarding opportunity could mean working at an outdoor pool as well as working at an indoor water park.  The training she'd get would certify her for multiple water facilities.  And could lead to work throughout the year, not just during the summer.

I've dealt with watching my kids grow up from a distance the last 10 years; I understand it's not easy.  But I also understand their life priorities change, and even more so as teenagers.  That's why that even though we have an agreement in place, I don't hold my son to it.  I've given him more control over his visitation dates.

[MixedBag]

I just wanna add that expecting Mom to come to see her daughter is REALLY tough.

I got put in that position and figured something out (much to dad's chagrin), but it also meant that my son's sisters didn't necessarily get to see him and it was a VISIT then and not coming to his home with me.

More than the free flight should be considered ....

BTW -- if it seems like I'm supporting the NCP over the CP's point of view or vice versa -- I'll admit it. I can flip flop on subjects like this.  I have been on both sides (hence my screen name) and really try to do what's right for the kids in the long run.  My son has a HOME where I live not just a place to visit.....where I am the NCP.  EX#3's children when they came had  a HOME to come to.... 

[ocean]

Why can't she get a job life-guarding by mom's or seasonal position?
Maybe have daughter see what is available by mom's when she goes to her on spring break. She can start looking now and put in applications and set up interviews for when she is there during spring break. Look at camps, pools, hotels with pools, YMCA type places. Maybe a babysitting job too. Not many places hire at 15 here.

Also, I'm sure there are may times when you are not doing anything at your house, watching tv and relaxing. That happens with the other parent too. Does not always have to be a "disney" filled week. Yes, she should spend time with her but at 15, they usually want to be on the phone/computer with friends or out. Remind her that you guys have many down times too and that mom's vacation she may want to chill out and not be on the go.

Prob last summer that this will work, as 16 is more opportunities to work and hs teams/activities. Change the times and work around child's schedule. Pull out a calendar for summer and next school year and have daughter come up with a few times she would want to go to mom's. Then have her talk about it while she is there for break.
Good luck!

[saulgood]

I just wanna add that expecting Mom to come to see her daughter is REALLY tough.

I don't expect the mom to come, she insists on it.  I've never told her that she has free flights so she can she her daughter whenever she wants.  The mom is the one who reminds us all the time that she can fly out whenever she wants.  Almost to the point that she treats the free flights as her own personal jet.

[saulgood]

Prob last summer that this will work, as 16 is more opportunities to work and hs teams/activities. Change the times and work around child's schedule. Pull out a calendar for summer and next school year and have daughter come up with a few times she would want to go to mom's. Then have her talk about it while she is there for break.
Good luck!

Problem with daughter talking to the mom is that she doesn't listen.  When daughter wanted to talk about going to high school where I live, her response was "we'll talk about it later", "I don't want to talk about it now", etc.  When daughter asked when they could talk it about it, mom would just say 'later'.  She finally got tired of hearing 'later', and forced her to talk about it.  But it took months to get to that point.

And daughter is worried that just like at the Christmas holiday, mom is just going to mope and pout the whole time she's there for spring break.  She said it was very uncomfortable at Christmas, and spent most of the time with her brother.  And that was usually going to a friends house.

[MixedBag]

I just wanna add that expecting Mom to come to see her daughter is REALLY tough.

I don't expect the mom to come, she insists on it.  I've never told her that she has free flights so she can she her daughter whenever she wants.  The mom is the one who reminds us all the time that she can fly out whenever she wants.  Almost to the point that she treats the free flights as her own personal jet.

I guess you missed my point.

Your situation has me leaning towards pushing the daughter or highly encouraging her to go.    AND to encourage her to take spring break to find a summer job.  She still has plenty of life ahead of her at age 15.

[dsm]

She should apply for lifeguard job or something similar near her mom and spend the summer there. That is what was agreed to in the custody arrangement. It is a good learning opportunity too for your daughter to balance time.


If she needs to attend a camp for sports - when is the camp? Is there something similar near to her mom? Talk with the coach. There are ways around this. Work with the mom to establish a different summer schedule if it is that necessary to have your daughter attend a specific camp. Take your daughter out of the middle.


When your daughter gets a job (regardless of the time of year) - she should be up front with her boss from the interview that she will need some flexibility since she will need time off throughout the year to allow time to spend with her family in another state.


Good luck!