Starting the fight... A few Questions...

[BadKarma]

New to the forum... I could use some advise if anyone has had similar problems...

On March 4th, my wife dropped me off at school in the morning, kissed me goodbye and said she would see me that afternoon. I called the house after she was late picking me up, but got no answer. After a couple of hours, I was finally able to get a ride home from a buddy of mine.

When I got there, I found my wife's and kids clothes cleaned out, the house looked like a grenade had gone off and no note. Now, I didn't call the police, because it was obvious she had left with the kids.

She cleaned out our bank account (Approx. $3k) left me with the rent, a disconnect notice on both the phone and the power and just my GI Bill that was to be deposited the next day. I left several messages on her mothers answering machine, but never got a return call. Finally, on the following Sunday night (4 days later), I got ahold of my wife at her mothers house 1700 miles away.

She refused to let me speak to the kids, wouldn't give me an explanation for why she left and said she was just "too upset to discuss anything".

Now, she can't file for divorce in Washington State untill she's been a resident for 90 days. And... according to federal law, the children must reside in the state for 6 months before the state has jurisdiction over them.

Here's my dilema. I'm broke.. I can't afford an attorney to represent me. I've begun the filing process here in Arizona, to prevent her from getting juridiction. I still haven't been able to communicate with my kids... I'm a friggen wreck... Has anyone here had a similar thing happen to them????

There has NEVER been any abuse in our household. I can't imagine what is going through her head... Are there any resources out there for fathers who just can't afford to get the ball rolling... I'm a full time student and I'll be returning to work by the end of the week. I should be able to pay an attorney in the long-run. However, I need help now...

Any advice??

Thanks,
BK

[Brent]

This is a classic 'ambush' divorce. One moment you're married, the next you're not. You'll find your STBX (soon to be ex) has been planning this for some time, so you'll need to get a fast education in how things are likely to play out. Some of these pages should help get you started:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information. Also, get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is better.

[DecentDad]

BK,

Sorry for what you're going through.  We all can appreciate the emotional devastation you're feeling... however, if you don't take immediate actions, you'll get screwed more than you can imagine.  Obviously, your wife has been planning this for a while, so she may already have her ducks in a row.

Filing in your jurisdiction ASAP is your number one goal right now.  You're right that you want to establish jurisdiction where you live.  If you file in AZ, and she subsequently files in WA, you should be able to easily demonstrate to WA that AZ has jurisdiction.

There are often family law legal help clinics affiliated with the courthouse.  Check into that.  They don't give legal advice, but they'll help you fill out the forms correctly.

Simply FILING an initial petition will establish jurisdiction.  It doesn't have to be perfect.

With your filing, you may want to ask for immediate temporary orders that you see your children every weekend (Friday 5pm to Monday 8am) with the exchange to occur at some public location near your home.  If you DO get these orders, your wife will be forced to either petition the court to let her stay in WA or will have to comply.

Cancel your credit cards and any other accounts that are held jointly.  You don't want to be responsible for any charges she makes after leaving.

This website is among the best resources on the internet.  Read all the articles about starting the process.

Post rigorously on the message boards with any questions you have.  There is much wisdom here, and you may avoid some huge mistakes.

Among the best first books you can buy is Win Your Child Custody War: Child Custody Help Source Book by Charlotte Hardwick.  New it's $80, but if you buy used via Amazon, you can get it for about half.

Now's the time to ask your family and friends for financial help.  Even if you don't retain an attorney, there are many attorneys that will let you pay hourly as you meet with them to review paperwork, ask questions, review pleadings, etc.  Raising a thousand bucks for attorney fees to buy four or five hours of guidance will be invaluable to you.

Find a local Father's Rights group.  Hear custody stories.  Educate educate educate yourself.

Go to a local parenting course.  Complete it, and have your letter of completion ready for your hearing in court to dispute her inevitable claim that you're a bad parent.

Start documenting all interactions with your wife.  She has unfortunately chosen a battlefield for your divorce... so you indeed do have a "fight" rather than the ideal and cooperative peaceful separation.

Best wishes, and stick around.  What sucks is that at this worst time of your life, you need more strength than you've ever had.  But there are plenty of people willing to help you.

DD

[Brent]

What sucks is that at this worst time of your life, you need more strength than you've ever had.

Well said.

[BadKarma]

DD,

Thanks for the advice! I filed with the court today. (I've been doing the paperwork for the last week). So, I should be ok there.

Bought a recorder for the phone yesterday, too. I figure just a "Phone Log" won't cut it in front of the judge. The old "He said, she said" rhetoric.

The ambush is over... I've pulled back and regrouped... Now comes the counter-strike...

I just wish I could feel some kind of emotion, right now.

BK

[Brent]

>Bought a recorder for the phone yesterday, too. I figure just
>a "Phone Log" won't cut it in front of the judge. The old "He
>said, she said" rhetoric.

Recording phone conversations can be useful, but make sure you don't run afoul of state laws:

Recording And Transcribing Conversations
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/transcribe.htm

It can be a major mistake if it turns out you're recording illegally.


>The ambush is over... I've pulled back and regrouped... Now
>comes the counter-strike...

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to have brought up in front of a judge, evaluator, etc. Bide your time, make your short- and long-range plans, and hang in there.



>I just wish I could feel some kind of emotion, right now.

It may be a while before the magnitude of what she's done really hits you- you'll find that what she did can (will) generate a lot of rage and extremely harsh feelings (as can be expected). It may surface suddenly.

She's pulled a super-dirty divorce trick, and has gone from a partner to an adversary in the blink of an eye, so be prepared to cope with a lot of unpleasant feelings. You cannot trust anything she says or does from this moment forward, so be very careful if she contacts you or "wants to talk" or anything like that. She is, unfortunately, your worst enemy in the world at this moment.