here come the lies

[canaandog13]

My story in brief is. On Dec 26th 2007 I discovered my common-law partner was having an affair with a woman 21 years younger then himself. Ok, fine, He left me and our 3 year old daughter and gave me sole custody, guardianship and mobility rights. He also left me strapped for cash as I was a SAHM and had no money. So.... I sold MY house and moved to another province after exhausting ever avenue with my ex. I begged him time and time again to come up with a plan so I could afford to stay in the house but he was too busy taking trips with is new GF.
I bought a big house in another province opened a B&B and now I can make money and stay at home with my daughter, life is grand.
Now my ex is having second thoughts and says he signed over custody under duress. LOL Yeah, I had a gun to his head. Sheesh.
HE and his GF are getting in engaged and now he wants custody! He is claiming parental alienation! When he came to visit I opened my house to him, encouraged our daughter to enjoy her time and basically left them alone while he was here. He is a good Dad, and I have no problem with him visiting her as much as he wants. I am polite to him and would NEVER put him down in front of our daughter.
HE rarely calls our daughter and when he does it is odd times, never leaves a message and now he claims we are avoiding his calls. I tell him to leave a message with a time to call and we will call him back. His answer, "I shouldn't have to make an appointment to talk with my daughter". GRRRRR
God I am so frustrated with his behavior. He does visit once a year which is great, and pays support. My EX now wants me to let him have our daughter for a month, not going to happen. When she is older I have NO problem with it but she is only 4 and very attached to me. She rides her pony, take gymnastic and has lots of family in the town I moved to. The kid has a charmed life.
Ok, my question is why oh why do people make up such vile lies? Or, do they really believe their own crap.
Ok, maybe I just needed to vent! LOL

Trish

[janM]

I think most of the members here are the US, but there may be some who could answer your questions. Canadian law may be very different.

1. Is there common law marriage in Canada (or your province)?

2. Would he have had to sign something stating he is the father at birth (it needs to be done here, or a DNA test)? Here, he would have to prove paternity and file for his rights if you're not married.

How long ago did you move away? Did you need to ask the court and/or Dad's permission (if he was even the legal dad)? I gather he knows where you are now, since they had a visit there.

It often happens that when an NCP hooks up with a new SO, they think they are parent of the year (or try to prove that fact to the SO) and try to get custody. Here, at least, he would have to show a good reason why it would be better for the child to live with him and disrupt her life (change in the child's circumstances, for the worse). He may also want to try to get custody so he doesn't have to pay support (new SO may not like that). Is the support court-ordered? No parenting time through the courts?

I would get a consult with a local attorney to see what everyone's rights are and what his chances may be. I would say not good. He should end up with court-ordered parenting time. Also here he would get every other weekend, holidays, and extended time in the summer. You may want to suggest shorter visits until they get re-acquainted.

At any rate, don't worry until you are served with court papers.

[Haleys Dad]

Feel better ?
I experience the same from my X. For the life of me, I will never understand how people can change their behavior from one extreme to the other, seemingly overnight. I really feel that they truly believe, in their own minds, that they are correct and everyone else is wrong. How can everyone else be wrong ? Very rare for that to be the case !  LOL
Best of luck.

Mike

[Kitty C.]

In the very first sentence, you say that it hasn't even been 6 months since you found out about the affair and he left.  But then near the end, you say that he visits only once a year..........but it hasn't even been a year since he left.  Doesn't add up.  Just seems like a lot has happened in less than 6 months.

But if you're in Canada, you have a whole different justice system to deal with.  If you have a current custody order in effect, and he's claiming he signed under duress, then the only one he has to prove that to is the judge or magistrate, NOT to you.  If he wants to make changes to the current order, he will need to file a petition with the court and, if Canada allows for mediation, you come to some agreement as to how custody will be arranged.  Only one thing:  unless he's proven by the law to be an unfit parent, do not deny your child the right to have a relationship with her father.

I understand the need to vent.........everyone who comes here regularly can vouch for that as well.  But be very careful on what you say, even in a vent.  Sarcasm and put-downs only make you look bad and lessen your credibility.

[canaandog13]

LOl I was just about to blast you for being a lousy reader then I reread my post. I meant to say Dec 26th 2006 not 2007! I can see where lies the confusion.
I would never think about denying my EX access, I do every thing in my power to see that he speaks and web cams with our daughter as much as possible. In reality I think I do too much, I wish he would put in more effort. He is not an unfit parent, in fact he is a pretty good Dad.


"I understand the need to vent.........everyone who comes here regularly can vouch for that as well. But be very careful on what you say, even in a vent. Sarcasm and put-downs only make you look bad and lessen your credibility."

I understand that putting others down is not cool, I cannot see where I managed that in my post and I think your statement about credibility is premature.

Trish

[canaandog13]

There is common=law marriage in Canada. Not exactly the same where property is involved as it is in a marriage. Thank God for me! LOL I would have to pay and his 19 Y-O belly dancer 100K if we had been married. Yikes! Talk about adding  insult to injury!

My EX doesn't deny he is the Father of our child, he pays support but gets pissy from time to time and threatens to cut off support. He sent her a toy then deducted the amount he paid for it from the child support.

I moved away on April 23rd 2007,  I left Dec 2006 not 2007 as I earlier stated. I gave him 5 months to try and work out a parenting plan but to no avail.He does visit and is welcome in my home anytime.

"t often happens that when an NCP hooks up with a new SO, they think they are parent of the year (or try to prove that fact to the SO) and try to get custody. Here, at least, he would have to show a good reason why it would be better for the child to live with him and disrupt her life (change in the child's circumstances, for the worse). He may also want to try to get custody so he doesn't have to pay support (new SO may not like that). Is the support court-ordered? No parenting time through the courts?"

I believe you may have hit on something here, he wants me to send our daughter to him as pay a huge amount in flights when it would be much better for him to come her. I know he just wants to play Daddy in front of his SO to prove want a great guy he is. We do not have a parenting time arrangement, the only thing we put into the courts is that my EX has access with prior notice and consent. I am working on a support order as we have nothing in writing.
I have done all the legal work myself as I see no need for a lawyer as yet.

 We do live about 2000 miles away from each other so every other weekend could be tough. LOL

Trish

[canaandog13]

>Feel better ?
>I experience the same from my X. For the life of me, I will
>never understand how people can change their behavior from one
>extreme to the other, seemingly overnight. I really feel that
>they truly believe, in their own minds, that they are correct
>and everyone else is wrong. How can everyone else be wrong ?
>Very rare for that to be the case !  LOL
>Best of luck.
>
>Mike

LO Yeah thanks Mike I do feel better. I will admit I was pretty angry when I first discovered that the man I was deeply in love with had an affair with a teenager albeit "exceptionally mature" one. ha ha.

AS for the overnight change in behavior oddly enough that is what happened. Every thing was fine with our arrangement until one day he called and was very angry and demanding that our daughter come and stay with him and his GF for a month. I thought it was great that he wanted to do that but please she is only 4 and is very settled and happy. Plus she is very attached to me as she has never been in a daycare and I have always been with her. She loves her Father I am sure but is not ready emotionally to be away from me. Simple. I told him as such and he started to beak off about his "rights". I told him he had the right to visit any time he wanted. In the meantime I am the one who gives up things like money, vacations, free time and dating to ensure my daughter is well taken care off. My EX goes on trips to Europe because his GF wants to the belly dancers in Turkey, spend more in a weekend then it cost him to visit here for a week and then charges me for a toy he sends our daughter. Oppps! Am I venting again? LOL

Trish

[Kitty C.]

I thought that might be the case with the dates, but I just wanted to make sure!

As for my statements, maybe it's just me, but comments like 'I had a gun to his head', 'his 19 Y-O belly dancer', and 'he started to beak off about his "rights". I told him he had the right to visit any time he wanted' sounded pretty low-handed to me.  You need to maintain as much of an objective view of this as possible.  Everyone here can tell you how emotional dealing with all this can be...we've all been thru it.  But I will tell you from first hand experience, my son and I both suffered until I managed to get a handle on my emotions and do what was right for my son, regardless of what I thought of his father.  Because no matter how hard I tried to separate my emotions from actually dealing with the situation, my emotions always managed to come through somehow.

As for your daughter spending a month with her dad, that's not entirely unreasonable.  DS would spend the entire summer with his dad, as we lived 1800 miles apart.  I would put him on a plane one week after school was out and he came back one week before school started.  This was the culmination of a graduated plan that initially started with 4 weeks and increased by 2 weeks every year until it was all summer.  He also went to see his dad every other Christmas.  

Every time I put him on a plane, vivid images of him screaming bloody murder every time I left for work always came to me.  This was a reaction to him being separated from me by his father for almost 2 months when he was 4 years old.  VERY long story, but needless to say, DS went through some horrific separation anxiety for a very long time after I got him home.  Didn't change the fact that I still had to send him to his dad EVERY year.  But once I was able to understand that, no matter what I thought or felt about DS's dad, DS loved his dad dearly and I would be extremely negligent to come between that.  And thank God I got over it, because when DS was 13 and just went out for the summer, his dad was diagnosed with cancer and died 3 weeks later, while DS was there.  DS has had problems ever since, including juvenile detention, residential treatment, and extensive counseling.

I tell you all this because your daughter's father has every right to have a relationship with her, and NOT to just 'visit' her.  Him coming to just 'see' and 'visit' her does not allow him to be a parent to her.  And with the distance between you, a long-distance schedule has to be decided on.  If the local school system has spring breaks, that's certainly some time that could be used.  Definitely over the summer and trading Christmas (every other year) allows both of you to spend the holiday with your child.  At her age, she cannot fly alone.  You will need to find out what Canadian aviation laws allow, but in the US, children cannot fly unaccompanied until they are 5 y.o. and must fly non-stop until they are 8.  After age 11, it is optional, but in this day and age, certainly adviseable.  There is a fee, of course, and to fly non-stop, I had to drive 1000 miles every time to get DS there and back (500 miles to O'Hare and back twice).

As for his 'new-found' desire to spend time with his daughter, it just might be because he's discovered what his and his child's rights are and wants to exercise them.  So unless and until he's proven unfit to parent (and given the distance involved), she will be away from you for very extended times.  And regardless of how hard it was to put DS on that plane, it was a relief, too.  Because it gave his dad the responsibility to parent and gave me some much needed time off.  And it forced us to communicate and co-parent, which was nothing but beneficial for DS.

DS is now 19 and going to school 700 miles away.  This alone, considering everything that poor kid has gone thru the last 8 years, is a triumph.  But now that he's older, he knows what my feelings were about his dad, and he knows how hard his dad and I had to work to put our differences aside for his sake.  His love for BOTH his parents is equal and fierce......and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I apologize for the long post, but I know how difficult long-distance parenting can be.  BT, DT.  And with DS losing his dad so young made it 100 times more difficult.  If I can be of any help whatsoever, just ask.  The laws and regulations may be different and it's something you should spend time investigating.  Good luck to you and your child.

[Haleys Dad]

Good points Kitty,
I am fortunate in that I live close to my daughter. I couldn't imagine not being able to be there for her at a moments notice. Guess I'm suffering from withdrawal  !  

[canaandog13]

I agree that Kitty has some valid points but each case is different.
I would never put my daughter on a plane before I thought she was emotionally able to handle being away from me. My daughters well being comes before anything in this world. My EX decided to leave me and daughter to be with his teenager (get a sense a humour on that one), granted she is very pretty and has boobs that other boobs orbit around (what? Not funny! :-)but still the man is 44.
My Ex gave not one wit what was to become of me and our daughter. We had no money, I was a SAHM and would have had to work  two jobs, stick our daughter in day care. I would have come home exhausted with no desire to play and stimulate my daughters growing mind.  Meanwhile dedicated daddy was taking trips and NOT ONCE did he come see our daughter unless I asked him to. NOT ONCE did he keep her past 5 PM so I could visit with friends or see a movie. I was shattered over our break-up, I thought we were happy do you think that he even took into account how my mood was going to effect our daughter? He lived 10 minutes away and the man did not give a rat's a$$ about what his daughter may be going through not having Daddy around. I weaned her months earlier and she wanted to start nursing after he left. He would yell and scream and kick things while she was in the room. Finally, while I was holding her, he hit me. I knew then, I had to leave and I stayed up every night studying the law and filling out papers because I could not afford an atty.
As for his "new found desire" LOL What you really think he just "discovered" his rights? OMG He is pretty obtuse but not blind and stupid. His desire to be father came when he stopped thinking with the little head and "discovered" that because he was selfish, greedy, and ignorant he no longer had a daughter.
Despite all of this I still encourage a relationship between the two. I never disparage the man, nor do I hinder contact in any way. But...it will be a cold day in hell that I allow my daughter to spend time with him 2000 miles away from me. When he visits I leave them alone together as I take the time for a much needed break that is the best I can offer until my daughter is old enough.

Hey Mike. was I venting again...whew!