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what would u do?

Started by mudbunnies, Dec 01, 2003, 08:16:53 AM

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I only have one thing to say in this entire thread,,, TGB your post was worthless. you need to reread the original post.


My stepdaughter goes through the same crap .Except They moved here far fom dad , We'll call stepdaughter V, I CAN SEE  how it makes V feel good in the very few times that her Dad has contacted Her , And how let down she is with no contact , Even an email from Him brightened up her life a bit , I can see how V , Has huge resistance to Me , I believe this is because I am not her bio Dad , Ther are some problems there because I am not her real Dad, When  she lived near her dad ,He would say he would come to see her , Then he would have some BS excuse ,V began saying She didn't want to go with him etc, I think because He let her down so ,so Many times , But No matter how Many times he let her down she feels good if he communicates in any way ,
   So "get it " I see this as  very damageing to her self [ Not a psych at all ] So for lack of better words , Its about the fact that her REAL DAD doesn't even pay attention to her ,And it hurts her , I have seen her brighten up for some considerable time after he even sent her any thing , I feel that it would be good if He even talked to her once a month or three times a year, Its way better than nothing , My wife for the most part doesn't talk bad about him , except I feel in a co-miserating sort of way to agree with V's hurt feelings , From what I see oN this side of the fence ,
   Yes You have a reason to put a certain condition on this , But on the other hand you may have to take what You can get for your child , I would say let Him care for the child for a while , A long weekend ,Make the condition that Dad Keep the child And tell him Your child needs you ,

 I know for sure If V's Dad took her for even a while once a year , That is better than nothing , And Maybe your Bio Dad [Ex] Is totally disorganised etc , My input ; Send him a letter stateing that He needs to have regular contact , And You see that it is bad for child to have him doing what He has been ,And You will cooperate as much as possible to make visits work for him , Heck don't you need a break? . Call Dad and say , "Cowboy up "I need to have a life  come get your child I have things to do , Try to make him feel important , I See how you would want conditions put down , Laid out , Carved in stone , But look what You are dealing with , I know most of us have a reaction to someone , Especialy, our ex trying to force there conditions on us < think about it ,
  You will have a much healthier child With a occasional Dad then NO DAD AT ALL!!!! wich is the worse of evils ,   However I will state :
   I agree with One condition , If he say's he is going to show then there should be a condition , That He shows up , If He doesn't then I see this as very painful for V , But on the other hand Its as painful to never see her dad , I am rambling , But I still see some contact as better than zero contact ,


However, I believe that many of us can remember being a child of divorce, or a split.  

For MANY years I harbored anger and resentment towards my mother,my father, SM, and 1/2 sisters.

My mother because she left us with our father, and then came (with the new boyfriend, who later became, step, then our adoptive father) LITERALLY in the middle of the night, and took us out of our beds from our father.  Moved us to another state, and enrolled us in school under aliases.

My father, because I felt he did not fight enough for my brother and I.  Because at 9 years old, he told me "I am going to let XXXXXX (SF) adopt you, I have a new family now"  *This was after 1/2 sister #1 was born.  

In looking at things from DH's point of view, he has helped me to understand some things.......  BM took SD much like MY own mother had.  Hid SD from DH for YEARS.  *similar again to my own experiences as a child.  I can see how a father would be hurt, and feel as if his position as a "father" would be twarted.  DH has brought me to a point of great understanding about WHY MANY MEN, have difficulties maintaining a relationship with their children after a seperation.  

They many times feel as if they are a failure, and couldn't keep a marriage/relationship together.   Their ONLY role, in the lives of their child(ren) is that of a paycheck/ATM machine.  DH had expressed to me , that it was VERY emotionally difficult to KNOW he had a child, that was just "gone."  He couldn't be a part of her live, through NO fault of his own.  It was easier for him, to have an "OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND" mentality .  Sometimes, their children are allowed and often encouraged to accept another "parent" into their lives, which AGAIN makes the father feel unneeded.  

NOT to sound sexist or anything, but Men are creatures of EGO.  They seem to have a desire to feel needed.  

SOME DAY, hopefully NOT too late, your childs father will come around.  Of course, when my Ex, was MIA for 18 mos, I searched for his phone number (manipulated a friend or two, to give it to me) I called him and said "Hey Loser, did you forget you have 3 kids??"  IMMEDIATELY things changed.  He has done NOTHING but try and be there for the kids.  Of course, I am a CP who supports the relationship the kids have with their Dad, mostly because as a parent, I want my children to have what I DIDN'T!!

This is in NO WAY a "cut" on anyone.  I know it is not a similar situation in the Original Post.  I guess I wanted to shed some light on reasons that Father's have difficulty at times, with maintaining a relationship with their children after a split.


First, in response to all of the previous posts, Unconditional love is what I want the mother to teach the child, not to demand from the father. Yes, the father should give unconditional love, but if he doesn't then it's her responsibility to help the child get through this, and hating the father is not in the child's best interests.

People who understand unconditional love can love and respect an alcoholic parent or a parent in jail, without enabling them or condoning their actions. They can love and respect an absent parent, without agreeing that that absence is right. They recognize that other people make their own choices, and have to live with the consequences of those choices. The key is being able to forgive.

Let me tell you about two experiences that I have had that might explain what I mean.

Years ago, I was cheated out of several hundred dollars by an unethical businessman. I spent a great deal of time tracking this man down, in the process finding others whom he had cheated. I collected evidence and prepared to take this man to court to recoup my losses, but as I did so I realized that the bitterness that had taken over my life during this period was costing me much more than the measly few hundred dollars this man had cheated me of. I was cheating myself and my family of happiness in my righteous anger and search for justice. At this point I realized that I needed to forgive this man, to move on with my life. I never filed that civil case I had prepared, realizing that doing so would only keep me mired in bitterness for the duration of the litigation.

I realized then the importance of forgiving others. Because I was willing to forgive, I was able to move on. That did not mean I had to protect the man from the consequences of his actions, or even to shirk my responsibility to protect others from similar wrongs. I still turned over the results of my investigations to the prosecuting attorney, and I testified at the man's criminal trial when asked by the prosecutor, but I let go of the anger and did not let my happiness depend on the actions of others.

In another incident a few year later, I stopped to help a family alongside of the freeway with car problems. I was on my way to work and knew that stopping would make me late, but I had an impression that I was needed. The problem with their car was something that could be repaired, with the proper tools, parts, and time. I had the tools, but not the parts or the time.

I drove one of the family members to a nearby parts store, but it wasn't open yet. Proceeding to one some distance further down the road, we found that place closed also, but soon to open. I waited with this man until the store opened and he purchased the parts he needed, helping to explain to the store clerk what was needed (this family had recently immigrated to this country, and had extremely limited skills with English).

Now very late for work and with obligations there that I had to meet, I took the man with me to my work, not far from where his car and family were waiting. I met my boss there and explained what was going on.

My boss was stunned when I walked this guy to the back of my car and showed the man my toolbox, then handed him my car keys. He couldn't believe that I did that. "You will never see that car again!" were his exact words. My only response was, "Maybe not, but I'm fairly sure you are wrong."

A couple hours later I had my car back, with all of my tools still in it, and the undying grattitude of someone I didn't even know and couldn't talk to because of a language barrier.

Unconditional love allowed me to put doing the right thing above my fears. It helped me to deal with life through a very difficult divorce, and it helps me to be happy regardless of my circumstances or the actions of those around me.

Almost every alienating parent I know of complains that the other parent doesn't visit the child, but it's only lip service. Few of them do what is necessary to really get the other parent involved. Instead they throw up barriers, make the other parent feel bad by complaining or arguing with every contact, treat the other parent like a second-class citizen, and generally fail to do what is really in the child's best interests.

I'm not saying that you are an alienating parent, but nearly every parent, custodial or noncustodial, participates in some alienating behaviors on occasion. Those who really care about their children learn to recognize these behaviors and to avoid them. They learn to focus on the positive instead of the negative, to help the child learn that all people have some good in them, and to appreciate what they have instead of resent what they don't have.


I decided to edit my post because I will not lower myself to argue with this person.


1. You cannot DEMAND unconditional love from anyone, only give it. By doing so, however, you greatly increase the chances that you will receive it in return.

2. "Children always forgive the parent that have wronged them..." you said it, not me. At least, they forgive the parent that has wronged them until taught by others not to forgive. "Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little achildren, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." Matt 18:3

3. You said: [em]Please do not try and say that this child needs to learn to get over it and forgive when someone he loves keeps intentionally hurting him.[/em] The child needs to learn to be happy, to stand on his/her own two feet, and not depend on others for happiness. In this "me" generation, far too many people have forgotten this, and consequently divorce and broken families are the norm. If more parents understood this, fewer children would have to live with broken families.

4. You said: [em]The one that needs to be blamed here is the FATHER. The one that is causing the hurt.[/em] You have only heard one side of the argument. Nobody mentioned who broke up the family in the first place, or why. No matter whose fault it is, the child is the one in the middle. I was offering advice on how to help the child deal with a bad situation. Most of you would just make the situation worse by eliminating visitation entirely. I was the only one who offered practical suggestions that would encourage the other parent to become more active in the child's life, and help the child to deal with it if that didn't happen. I don't believe in parentectomy as a solution in most cases.

5. You said: [em]We all know what unconditional love is, we have it for our children.[/em] I would certainly hope so. It's easy to love a child. The trick is, however, to love those who don't deserve it and teach our children the same. When we do this, then we find that it brings us happiness, too. That is true unconditional love.
43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

[em]Matthew 5: 43-47[/em]
The teachings above were given, not just as a key to earning eternal reward, but as a way to be happy in life. Those who follow these guidelines will gladly tell you how much happier they are than when they did not do so.


Based on what you mentioned, you only did part of what I said, the easy part. You didn't have the child write frequent letters, call when something special happened, or thank dad for all the hard work he did pouring concrete to be able to provide child support you received.

Most custodial parents give lip service to encouraging the other parent to participate in the child's life, but what they really want is for the other parent to just go away and leave them alone. Then they complain when they get what they want.


> Most custodial parents give lip service to encouraging the
> other parent to participate in the child's life, but what they
> really want is for the other parent to just go away and leave
> them alone. Then they complain when they get what they want.

Unfortunately, this is all too true. Most CPs won't lift a finger to really, truly support a relationship with the other parent. They block access, file lawsuits, make life as difficult for the NCP as they possibly can, and then scream bloody murder when the NCP finally gives up.



I didn't ask my kid to do those things.  I fought with him tooth and nail to call his dad every Sunday; I called him myself about every 2 or 3 weeks to let him know what was going on in DS's life; I called and asked his opinion on what classes DS should take each semester, LISTENED and FOLLOWED what ex felt the correct education should be for DS; I encouraged DS to take advantage of the weekends and longer visitation that he did not want to go on; I did remind him to thank his dad for all the things he DID buy for him.  My ex and I are forever involved with each other because we had a child together.  We are on good terms now.  We talk about what's going on in the kids life and what each of us respectively can to to encourage DS on his life's path.

I guess I didn't do enough.  I failed miserably as a CP encouraging a realtionship between father and son.

And all the while I received no CS - ex claimed he didn't have enough money to pay it.  I chose to not pursue that issue, as he DID buy things for DS occasionally.  Oh yeah ... I'm also one of those money-mongering ex wives, ya know the one who signed over the house to the ex husband, because HE neglected to file his income tax returns for his business for several years, and needed to re-fi the house in order to keep from losing it and going to the klinker?  You know that kind, don't you.  Yep, I just put his rear to the wall and gave up my half of the house and furnishings ...yep - he kept it all!  How could I have been so incredibly harsh and cold?

Perhaps I can atone for all of this by all the hard work I've put in to help DS gain custody of his three children; reminding him of their birthdays and special occasions they had coming up; reminding DH that one of the kids had extra expenses and could we give them money to help out; made sure ALL CS checks when he was NCP were on time and in full (bearing in mind he was involuntarily unemployed due to a plant closure and I was the only one working to pay the CS and support us).

I don't deserve any thanks for what I did, as it was the right and moral thing to do.  I don't want thanks and I'm not being a "weinie whiner" - just the facts of what has occurred over the past 10 years.

Sorry I didn't reach your goal-line.