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Interesting development...

Started by nosonew, Dec 05, 2003, 05:14:36 PM

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History:  SS just moved in with us (is young teenager), against his mothers wishes, but mediator suggested the move based on his wishes, and so bm moved out of town.  SS has been adamant that he be allowed to "adjust" his visitation schedule with bm to work around his activities (I know many of you disagree, but that is what he wants and it was ENTIRELY his decision) and he is allowed to do this per court orders.  This was to be his first weekend with bm.  What did he do after school?  Called her and told her he would come next weekend.  This weekend he had plans.  I personally disagreed with the late notice (he contacted her around 4pm and we meet by 7pm) but according to my dh, he "argued" with her for 25 minutes and would not relent.  BM gave in and agreed to next weekend.  Now ss says he doesn't want to go next weekend either, and we told him, no, if you traded weekends, and told her a set date, then you are responsible to hold up your end of the bargain.  He's a little p.o'd at us, but hey, he needs to learn that he can't tell someone he will do something and then back out of it.

And just FYI, missed time is supposed to be made up at a later date unless bm is willing to miss it entirely.  And ss is entirely responsible to discuss this with bm (so it doesn't get dh in the middle of their arguing).

My own ds (who is just slightly older than ss) has been making his own visitation with his dad for over 2 years.  We don't go by any schedule and he gets to see dad more than original orders state.  (Is going for entire xmas break rather than half this year-my opinion, he's old enough to tell me when he wants to go to dads, and he goes.  (But then again, I am not a pbfh!) I even suggested he go live with dad for a year, but DAD refused, stating my school system was much better and ds would miss his siblings (half and step) at my home!!.  Talk about everyone doing what is best for the child, no wonder he is 4.0 student and very well adjusted, both socially, academically, and is involved in all sports.  

So how would you handle this?  It is in the c.o. he can do this, both parents are supposed to cooperate with his wishes and reschedule.  (It isn't a problem getting him back and forth -only a 1 hr drive to meeting point).  Do you agree with how we handled this?  


I'm new here, but I think you did the right thing.  The alternative was not good.

SS is at an age where rebelling or doing whatever he wants is the thing to do.  Your getting in the middle of it will only make it more difficult and, in some ways, give him the reaction he wants.  That said, it's a difficult spot.  It sounds like you and husband are doing the right thing by letting him know what's expected and having him stick with it.  Be a united front and once you agree to something, don't back down.

One suggestion, could the older step sibling perhaps talk to SS and maybe explain the benefits of working things out himself?  IE:  explain it to him that he'll earn more priveleges if he accepts his scheduling responsiblities like an adult?  If your SS can see that it's in his own best interest to get with the program, then he'll be motivated.  Otherwise, you could are all just beating your heads against a brick wall.

Good luck!


Great suggestion, only one problem.

I get along great with my ex.  We even barbeque together (me and my dh, my ex and his wife) along with her kids, my kids, our kids, etc.  All get along great.

Meanwhile, my dh's son's mother (bad one night stand) is a lunatic.  She has refused visitation, hidden child, false accusations (abuse and sexual) and the list goes on and on. *Because dh wouldn't marry her (he didn't even know her!) I met him when child was 4.  Child was old enough during last false sexual allegation to ask the powers that be ""If this really did happen, wouldn't I remember it?  And if it did happen, how does my mom know?"  Etc.  He knows she's a nut, and prefers to be with people who don't ever put him in those type of positions.  My husband has told him, if you want to see your mother every weekend, I will drive you every weekend.  If you want to see her every holiday, just say the word, it's your life, you let me know what you want.  And we explain to him there are minimums on how much he can see her as well, which is when he had the fit.  She made her own bed, let her lie in it.

So, my son has in the past just told his brother that "go see her when you want, I see my dad more now than I ever did going by the schedule".  The difference is, how the past affects his decisions.  My son didn't have these problems.  Even going by court schedule, he still saw dad more than that.  Now, he sees him alot, but may go a month without, but then 5 weekends in a row.  Depends on what is going on at school, etc.  

But thank you for the suggestion!


I would be interested in how this is worded in your court order.  My son is still pre-school, but I would like him in school activities.  It's a well known fact that children that participate usually stay out of trouble.

Could you email the portion of your court order that states this information about child getting to work at his schedule?

At what age did you get the court order revised?

[email protected]  is my email address.

Thanks a lot...looking towards the future.