extracurricular activities & visitation....

[treadiing water]

I don't think it helps your daughter to just cut off the extra-curricular activities all together.  What seems to be the issue is that you are not getting buy in from her Dad.  

Not to point any fingers or raise any hackels, but my opinion is that this issue (and any issues that might impinge on either parent's 'time') should have been thoroughly discussed by you, the dad, and your daughter.  In this case it seems that YOU made the decision to enroll her in the soccer league, which encroached on your ex's parenting time. That is almost guaranteed to cause a negative reaction .  Granted that your daughter wanted it and you informed your ex about it, but it was not discussed with the ex.  If instead both you and your daughter had approached the ex about this BEFORE she had been signed up, presented the case that daughter really wanted to do this, and maybe worked out some scheduling changes ahead of time (they might not have been necessary at that time as ex would have been fully aware of the facts and time requirements) things might have gone smoother.  At that point your ex would be making the decision about 'his' time and if you all agreed to it you would have a good arguement if he then later reneged.  Otherwise, you are committing his court ordered time and too me that is plain wrong.

[Ref]

Personally, I find it very annoying when DH ex makes decisions about how to raise SD or what she wants to do with DH's time, tells him, and expects him to work around her. Usually, if she talks to him about it first and sees what he thinks, he will usually abide by SD's wishes (within reason). If she tell him "how it's gunna be", he will more than likely feel like he is being pushed around and not be as flexible.

Another thing that really bothers me is when Ex promises SD an activity or an event that will interfere with DH's time prior to discussing it with DH, so it is HIS fault if she can't do the event.

To me, the most logical thing would be to find out vaguely what the child would like. Gather some options. Discuss it as parents. Then talk to the child about the decision.

JMHO

[BehindBlueEyes]

DD came to me & told me she wanted to play soccer.  Just like she came to me wanting to play basketball last winter.  I'm not going to enroll her in anything that she doesn't ask for.  I don't believe in pushing extra curricular activities on kids if they don't want them.  Her father new at least a month before I even signed her up that she wanted to play.  He never said no.  When I gave him a copy of the schedule he never said anything.  I told him when I gave him the schedule we would work out his weekends.  I'm not doing this to keep him from his time with her.  I did this because she wanted to play soccer.  And issues like this were addressed at the custody hearing.  His lawyer told him and I both that as she got older she would have her own agenda when it came to sports, clubs, etc and that we had to respect what SHE wanted to do.  I have no problem with her getting involved in sports where he lives when she's there with him during the summer.  I would do everything possible to accomodate her.  I wouldn't even ask him for make up time because I know she's only there 2 short months.  

[BehindBlueEyes]

I too also find it annoying that DH's ex doesn't consult him about extracurricular activities that mess up his weekends.  But we also know that these activities are things that his 2 DDs want to participate in & that they would be more upset with him if he didn't allow it.  

I've never put my DD into something w/out letting her dad know up front it was being done.  He just chooses to wait until 2 or 3 days before the event to cause a problem about it.  I've also never signed her up for anything under the intention to keep her away from her father.  Anything she has participated in she has come to me and asked me if she could participate.

I might be unfair by making it a rule that if she doesn't participate in every event (unless she's sick) then she doesn't participate at all.  I feel that she needs to learn the responsibility of a commitment if she chooses to participate in sports or whatever.  DH & I wouldn't expect his DDs to not participate just because it was our weekend.

[treadiing water]

Nobody is saying that you are INTENTIONALLY trying to disrupt his time.  But his time is being disrupted.  I acknowledge that you tried to address the issue of upset weekends.  What I don't think you realize is that at the point you handed him the schedule, you were basically dictating (you had the power) to him how things were going to be.

Answer me this.  Did you give your ex a copy of the schedule before or after you signed up your daughter?  

When your daughter expressed an interest in the soccer league and you told your ex about it did you say "Daughter would like to play soccer this year." or did you give him all the info "Daughter would like to play soccer.  I checked it out and there is a league that starts April 1 and has games every Saturday thru May 28."  Without all the information it is unreasonable to expect someone to express an opinion.  Just because the ex didn't say anything when you told him your daughter wanted to play soccer doesn't mean he agreed if he didn't have all the facts.  At that time he did not know if it would affect him either way.  

I completely understand that your daughter is beginning to have her own agenda.  That does not mean that she automatically gets to do everything she wants.  Other circumstances come into play.  I'm sure there has been sometime in the past when your daughter wanted to do something but it conflicted with your schedule (work, prior committment,etc...) and so she didn't get to do what she wanted.  I know it happens all the time with me.

What it comes down to for me is that a unilateral decision was made by you that affected the parenting time of your ex and he is resentful of that.  I think that is perfectly understandble.  He may be acting obstinate in this because he figures that you will learn a lesson and not do the same thing again.  Or he could just be an ass.  I have no way of knowing.  

There is probably no remedy for this now, but in the future I think this whole situation could be avoided with a little communication.  That may be asking a lot, but don;t you think your daughter is worth it? :)

[mango]

Well put! We are on the receiving end of this (similar) problem. We were the ones handed the schedule, and expected that the whole family drop everything to accomodate this with No discussion or agreement. Ours is year round.

It is tough, no doubt. But the time spent with dad, in the long run will be remembered far greater then the soccer field, swimming pool, etc.

Kids shouldn't always have their way either.

[BehindBlueEyes]

Yes, he knew before hand what the schedule would be & that it would in fact affect 3-4 of his weekends.  It only turned out to be 3 since they skipped easter weekend.  

And if I could communicate with him I would; but sometimes it's near impossible.  I went for 2 years during the custody battle catering to his needs to accomodate what he wanted....rearranging my schedule to suit him.  I'm not going to be a push-over anymore.  I'm not going to keep my daughter from him but I'm also not going to let him dictate my life anymore.  I'm not trying to be argumenatitive or say that what I'm doing is right.  But given the whole history of the situation I am not going to let him run my life anymore.  

Just like with child support.  He pays it when it's convient to him.  No matter if he pays me or not I still have to pay bills, child care, put food on the table, put clothes on her back, etc.  It's a real struggle to do all of that when he doesn't pay me but once every 2 or 3 months.  He's currently caught up now since I told him I was turning it over to the state to collect.  I have an appointment next week to get that taken care of.  It's not fair to me to have to struggle & use my credit cards just to have money to survive on when he's out making $1000+ a week & only has to pay $60 a week.

Unfortunately I had a lawyer he just wanted the case over with so I got screwed on a lot of issues.  I don't feel guilty at all about taking a stand on the issue of her getting to play 1 sport that she wanted to play.  Especially when I've done what I can to give him make up time.

[BehindBlueEyes]

I agree...kids shouldn't ALWAYS have their way.  And I'm on the receiving end of the scheduling w/ my sk's.  But, I don't do this year around with her.  This is only the 2nd sport she's participated in all school year.  I've kept her out of other things because I didn't want her to be busy with something all year long & it interfere w/ every weekend she's supposed to go to her dad's.  So, she had to choose what was most important to her to participate in.

If I went to her dad & told him I didn't want her to participate in anything that affected my weekends during the summer he would have an absolute cow.  And I don't expect her not to do something she wants to do just because it'll cut short some of my weekends.  I don't want her resenting me for not allowing her to spend time w/ her friends or participate in something.  She is still adjusting to her new school here and I want her to get out there & make friends.  

[richiejay]

How did it come about that you folks live 3 hours apart?

[Ref]

IMO, the primary custodial parent makes the decisions that effect their time and the secondard custodial parent makes the decisions about their time. If issues (like yours) overlap, then it must be agreed upon by both parties OR it reverts back to, during PCP's time they do their thing and SCP, they do theirs. This means that the lesson you are trying to teach your child that imposes on the father's time would be moot. He should not have to follow your rules on how to raise your child during his time. If it interrupts his parenting time, they he gets to say whether it flies.

Communication in these matters is often not easy. Look at this board on any day and you will see amazing examples of how stubborn people can be. The best way to handle these situations with little conflict, I find, is to lay down rules for when the child is in your house and allow ex to lay down his while at his. Your rule: you have to go to all the games when you are at my home BECAUSE I want you to learn responsibility to your teammates. His rule: I want you to miss some of your games BECAUSE I want you to learn responsibility to your family. Allow there to be conflicting lessons but explain why rules are different.

Also, you bring up how contolling he has been. Take the high road. Stop trying to be controlling back. If you are bitter about the child support (and it sounds like you should be) take him to court for it. Don't allow that to be an excuse to push back harder. Just take care of THAT issue.

I commend you for allowing flexibility in your schedule. That makes you the better person. However, it is his right not to be as flexible. It did sould like he was interested in allowing your daughter the choice to go to her party. Maybe that goes with my first point. When you bring it to him as a question instead of a demand, he will be more likely to be flexible rather than feel like he is fighting for his rights.

Sorry to sound so attacking. It really isn't my intention. It is just so hard to hear justifications for what I know causes DH so much anguish. Hopefully you will see some of this as a different perspetive and use it to make communicating with your ex a bit easier.

Good Luck