Help, confued!!

[Momof2inohio]

  A little background here first.. Got pregnant at 16 by the love of my life. He took off shortly there after. Moved to another state.  He came back 4 years ago, I contacted him kinda "forced" (bad term) a father daughter relationship. He found a new girlfriend, got her pregnant, stopped seeing our daughter, by his own choice. If I recall right, he only seen her 5 times over a year period.
 Well 2 yrs. ago, he calls a family member and wants a relationship with daughter, I agree only on the terms that NO MORE GAME PLAYING! He agrees. Daughter meets sm and ss. Daughter did overnights every other weekend for 6 months. Dad all of a sudden stops calling and no return phone calls.  Daughter was/is heartbroken.
  I decided that the $11 a month that I was getting in child support for 9 years just want enough, so I got the ball rolling. Well low and behold 2 days later, I get a letter in the mail stating that he and his wife want daughter in their lives and they are sorry for playing games.
 
 My daughter in NO WAY SHAPE or FORM would  feel comfortable there. She has always said sm acted odd towards her. Always quiet, and when she did talk questioning daughter about our relationship, and how her home life is.  
 My question would be, am I doing the wrong thing by telling him to take me to court for visitation? I don't want my baby girl to hurt anymore, I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't not want her to have her daddy, but I don't want her to think" here we go again, he doesn't love me enough to stay in the picture" ANy advice is welcome.
 Thanks, Rachel

[Momof2inohio]

I don't want daughter to not have daddy.. I am not into parental allienation at all. Been there done that with my parents..

[Troubledmom]

Hullo Rachel,
        Although it is difficult to deal with an parent who wanders in and out of your child's life, although your heart may break when tears are streaming down your childs face when the other parent doesn't show up for a promised visit, although you may want to throttle the other parent for causing your child pain and heartache, it is still better than NO parent at all.
        Perhaps rather than "forcing" him to take you to court, you should petition the court to establish a visitation schedule yourself. Consult an attorney and see what they say.
        One of the things that I did, after my little ones father showed that he was not going to be an active parent, but rather one who was in and out as time suited him, was set up a visitation schedule that allowed for brief reintroduction periods after any lapses in visits by her dad. The court orders call for short frequent visits (actually 3 a week for two hours each for 3 weeks) after any lapse of 2 months in contact and then time builds from that to all day and then to weekends with 50/50 if he chooses after 6 months. This allows her to establish a new bond with him and not create as much trauma.
        Think about the different options available. You sound as if you are sincere in wanting to have her father involved. Do some research on how you might best facilitate it. Your daughter will learn from you, teach her well how important both of her parents are, even when they make poor choices.

Good Luck
TM

[Droogle]

1. How old is your daughter?

2. How long has he been gone this time?

3. How old is the half-sibling?

4. Is the child support order by the court?

Ok now for some ideas..... Document Document Document..... That is number one.  

I would have the child support done through the court.  Child support and visitation are 2 totally seperate things.  

I would also tell him that for now he can see her for xxx amount of time during the day but no overnigts until he stays consistent for how ever long you think it will take for her to feel safe again.

My SD hasn't seen her Bio-mother since Christmas of 03.  In July of 03 SD's older sister (not my husband's child) was killed.  SD is 10 and hadn't seen her sister since she was 5.  BM came back in and is gone again and we are left to pick up the pieces of what she has done.  

[Momof2inohio]

Daughter is 11 this has been going on her entire life. I filed for CS throught he courts and thats when he decided that it was time to be daddy again. I would forever br greatful it they could have a father daughter relationship, I don't however think he wants it, she doesn't really know him his wife or their other kid(s)
 Example: when I got his letter, I told him that he needed to try to fix things, I would lay the ground work but wasn't gonna force her to come stay where she doesn't feel welcome, I told him her birthdate and that he should call or send a card, notta, in my eyes it's because I wouldn't agree to the certain amount of CS that he thinks he should pay.
 
 When I used the term forced I was wrong it was more along the lines of pushed. My baby girl didn't ask to be born to us, but she does deserve both of our love. The SM is a very jealous person and told dad when where and how he could see her, for god-sakes, I am remarried with another child, and I have learned from my mistakes.  I just want what is best for her,  I hate the look in her eyes when I mention his name to her, she should love her father and I have never bad-mouthed him in front of her NEVER, see is just a very emotional girl and to see the pain he causes her pisses me off!
 I did contact an atty. was told no way in hell he would get 50/50 but I think we should be a part of her life/ maybe starting with visits here first? I don't think he or his wife would be comfortable with that, but I don't wanna force daughter into something she isn't comfy with and couldn't be for 6 months when he was a daddy to her. One last example: She had a school play a few years ago, I invited everyone, his wife included, ask that they be there 10 mins early for pics, guess what they show up at the end of the play, as the kids were walking off stage, I lied yet again to save her feelings.. What can I make him do to be a part of her life, but make sure she's comfortable with everything?
 Life is so unfair to our little one's..
 Thanks again, Rachel

[Troubledmom]

Perhaps start the initial visits at a nuteral location, a local park, McDonalds, someplace where he doesn't feel as if it is your territory or you don't feel as if it is his...
Just an idea

TM

[joni]

what about a court ordered stipulation that he and his new wife attend family counseling?  they need some serious professional help with their parenting skills.  imagine what they're doing to their own kid.

[Forthelittleones]

nm

[tulip]

When I was little, my dad was really flaky with visiting my brother and me, and my mom always made excuses for him. I wouldn't even remember that now, except that when I was older, and they started fighting over me, she started to tell me the truth. Now I have to watch my daughter go through the same. With me it's different, though because my little girl WANTS to see her dad as much as she can. (He calls once or twice a year.) If she didn't want to go see him, it would be very easy for me to say no to him.

I think you should start slow. If they want to have a relationship with her, they should make an effort to make her feel comfortable about it. Start with short visits of a couple hours at a time (go to the park, out for dinner, something like that) and work into more lengthy ones at a pace that is comfortable for HER. If he is not willing to that, tell him to forget it. No judge is going to order you to send her to their house overnight when they haven't even made an effort for years.

[tulip]

I think it is very admirable that you are willing to spare her feelings by covering for him, even when it probably makes you very angry to see how he is hurting her.

[Momof2inohio]

Im in Fairborn, close to Dayton. Are you locatded in ohio as well?

[Momof2inohio]

See that's the thing, when she was younger every holiday and bday was filled with tears. I have lied to cover his butt more then I have ever lied about anything in my life, didn't and wouldn't do it souly for him, in my eyes dear old dad is a LOSER . However, I am trying to prevent that from being what she see's..
 My atty. told me not to worry, we could get supervised vists for awhile, I am just concerend with the fact that they need to be involved, but not so sure he his sincere in his motives.  
 
   I should have added that when dad left for another state, he got yet another woman pregnant, left her. When she filed for Child support, he told her he wanted 50/50 and since she was in another state, she panicked and let him sign away his rights, he did it happily..

  I think that's what he is trying to pull, I am not stupid, and neither is OUR child, she will eventually (if not already) see him for what he is, and that scares me..
 
 I think I will sit down and write him a letter tonight and see if we can make this work, i DO want to take it to court to, so in the future, he can't say that I denied him visitation..
 
 Thanks for all of the advice..
 Rachel

[Forthelittleones]

I am not in OH but my two step children are.  Where our kids are they have Kinship houses.  This is a neutral place where the kids and the NCP can be (if court ordered) OR an exchange place.

I would suggest that there is a reintroduction phase and that it be at a neutral location. These kinship houses are staffed by trained social workers who can make sure that the child is comfortable and that Dad and SM are not acting in an inappropriate manner.

I would make sure that there is a reintroduction period.  Feel free to send me a PM, if you want to talk more.  I have been dealing with the OH legal system in two counties for about 4 years.

[4honor]

Asking your husband to adopt your daughter and asking her if that is what she wants... then leave the door open for your DD and her bio dad to have any relationship they can manage?

He seems motivated by the CS coming from his pocket. If that were not an issue, then he will either come in or go out of her life... but either way, she has a daddy. Just leave the door open for biodad to have a relationship if DD wants one.

JUST A THOUGHT