visitation and cps counselling

[stressedstepmom]

Grr I am so stressed I have written at least 4 different post and then deleted them and started over :) I don't know how much history to put into this and kept writing novels. So I will give it one more go and try and be short. If any history is wanted then just ask and I will comply.
DH is active duty military and has always lived far from his 2 boys, but always saw them at least once a yr usually for summer vacations. We just recently moved a lot closer (7 hours which is still far but a lot better than 24 hours and more) BM is PBFH and has always been very minipulating. ss's were here for their spring break and had a blast. About a month after they returned home BM sent DH an email saying that he was a lousy father and that oss was all messed up from the spring break visit. She said that he had resorted to physically hurting himself but she had promised not to tell what he was doing.
We immeadiately went to their state and dh went to their school and talked to his principal. Dh also called cps who also went to the school. CPS decided to do a full investigation and went to talk to BM. She had to show cps the email she sent dh. We had proof that no medical attention had been sought for oss because we provide the insurance and they said they hadnt received any bills.CPS ordered BM to take oss to hospital immeadiately for evaluation and they released him into her care. CPS also said that she had to get oss into counselling.  Also in her nasty email to dh BM stated that boys were old enough to chose not to have summer visitation.  BMs email was followed by a nasty email from oss that really made no sense but echoed his mothers email a lot.
We have a lawyer and he has copies of all emails and any other letters or things important to the case.  Lawyer sent BM certified letter of dates dh was to pick up boys for summer visitation. Bm sent letter back stating that dh had the boys one week in Jan and 2 weeks in April that werent in the decree so she wanted his summer visitation to be minus those days. Lawyer said she had no legal backing and advised dh to send her a letter telling her its those dates or court.
Today we received receipt that Bm had gotten certified letter from dh. We also got notice to appear in court on 21 July that BM was petitioning dh to stop out of state visitation. Then there was also another letter from court house saying date had been changed to 8 July.  
Here is where the help or advice is needed. Bm is saying that because of dhs  mental state and the mental anquish he has caused ss's that cps had to get involved and that they said ss's had to go to mandatory counselling which she says starts 14 July. She is making it sound like cps got involved against dh when in fact they are investigating her for child neglect. And she goes on and on in her petition about dhs mental state, I have no idea what she is talking about. The only thing I can possibly think of is that when they got divorced 11 yrs ago was that the military put him in in a rehab program while everything was going on. But that doesnt make any sense that she would be using that. DH is a very stable person. She also states that dh is going against cps orders of counselling and attempting to take ss's out of the state. This is the first time we have heard any dates for the counselling all we knew prior was that they had to have it. Her whole petition is full of lies and it seems that she is hell bent on having his visitation stopped. Also in her nasty email to dh she said that she would only allow him to have visitation in her state, even though co says otherwise.  We have a lawyer like I stated above, but are just at a loss. Won't be able to talk to lawyer until at least Monday, and will be in that state on Tuesday.  I don't really have any questions, just need to vent I guess and any advice would be really appreciated.  

[Forthelittleones]

Hi and Welcome!

We went through a bit of a similiar situation.  DH was active Duty and saw SS when he could - 3-4 times a year and called him every week.  DH got a stable schedule with the military and wanted SS for a month in the summer.  BM agreed, then changed her mind - 1 day prior to picking up SS we had an emergency hearing since BM stated that DH had not seen SS for more than 24 hours in the 7 years since he was born.  We had plane tickets, gas receipts, food bills, etc to prove that DH had seen the child for far more than that.  Regardless to say the Judge granted us summer parenting time.  So the moral of this story is to document and get all your ducks in a row.

Now  - Here is my advice - The child can go counseling in your area, the child is not old enough to choose (can when he is 18) and your attorny needs to supeona CPS to show WHO is under investigation.  I think that the Judge will grant your parenting time.   You need to show that regardless both children need both parents.  

How old are the children and what state is this in?

Good luck and I will post more later -

[nosonew]

Yep, check out counseling centers in your area...speak with your attorney regarding who he recommends, and check with your insurance company on who is covered.  

Call CPS, talk with the caseworker, ask questions (well, your dh will have to do this), find out anything you can.  

Send another cert letter with intent to exercise visitation on such and such dates, and that counseling will be set up in your area.  

Your attorney will know what to do...I hope.

Since you live closer, you need to amend your parenting plan to include other viisitation as well.  

[stressedstepmom]

We are in VA, boys who are 12 &13 are in NY. We put our foot down at the very beginning of all this and told ss's (nicely yet sternly) that they had no choice that as long as their father had a co stating he got them 6 weeks in the summer and he could leave the state with them then that is how it would be. I have already found a counselor in our town and figured I would just set up an appt for ss's so that dh can show that in court we are willing to comply with cps orders. Our lawyer is in NY also, so he wouldn't have any recommendations for a counselor in our area.  Not sure if BM has a lawyer, there isn't one listed on the petition. It seems that the only thing that would cause the boys to have to stay in NY is the counseling, but hopefully if dh goes with proof of an appt here then that won't matter. It just really pisses me off that BM states over and over in the petition that ss's need this counseling because of mental grief caused by dh, when in fact cps got involved after dh reported her for neglect. She also states over and over that dh is trying to take the boys out of state so they will miss their appts. Like I said before, this is the first we have heard of a date for the counseling and she states in the petition that dh is trying to violate the cps order.  Also, the cps caseworker is on vacation until 20 July. Not really sure what to do about that. You would think that there would be someone else to work her cases who would be able to help right? But would that hurt dh's case if he didn't have the actual case worker or if the one filling in didn't seem to have an opinion?
I was just reading the petition again to see if I had missed anything and found something interesting. The petition was filed on 25 June and she states in the petition that as of  25 June oss has a counseling appt on 14 July that dh is trying to interfere with.  Now how could dh interfere with something that was just scheduled? This is all a ploy to try and keep the boys in the state like she said she was going to do long ago.
Thank you guys for your advice, I wrote it down in our notes for the lawyer. This is all just so sudden and fast. Dh and ss's and myself and our children have all always had a great relationship. Things started going sour in June and for no reason other than Bm that we can tell. We think maybe she is threatened now that dh is closer and can see their boys more.  BM is the classic case of PAS, she always has been but more so now. The way the boys talk to their father in email or on the phone now when he tries to call just floors me.

[Peanutsdad]

Whats going on is the SAME thing my ex TRIED to do,, bounce it all back to you. You might advise your attorney to do as I did and USE her petition ALONG with cps initial investigations to show that yes,, indeed,, child neglect IS going on,, and its HER doing it.




Heres a little light reading to get ya'll goin....


Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.htm

Suggestions When Falsely Accused
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/falseacc1.htm

Dealing With Threats Of False Allegations
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/blackmail.htm

URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/guide.htm


http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pplan3.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vassiliou.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner06.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-navarre.htm

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner01.htm

THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand01.htm - size 40kb - 20 Oct 2003
12. Mediation And Parental Alienation Syndrome by Anita Vestal
This article looks at parental alienation syndrome (PAS), which is a complex manifestation of mental and emotional abuse resulting from conflicted parents fighting for custody.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-vestal.htm - size 52kb - 20 Oct 2003
13. Recommendations for Dealing with Parents Who Induce a Parental Alienation Syndrome in Their Children
PAS is commonly seen in highly contested child-custody disputes. The author has described three types: mild, moderate, and severe, each of which requires special approaches by both legal and mental health professionals.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-gardner02.htm - size 54kb - 20 Oct 2003
14. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Studies of target parents who are falsely accused of abuse report they tend to be less disturbed than their accusing counterparts.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand12.htm - size 53kb - 20 Oct 2003
15. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand11.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
16. Parental Alienation Information Archive
All the information on the SPARC site regarding Parental Alienation has been consolidated on this central reference page.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pasarchive.htm - size 17kb - 20 Oct 2003
17. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART II) (cont.)
In the following case, the accused father was an officer in the military. Testimony on PAS by the defense expert provided the judge and jury with some alternative explanations as to the reasons the children accused their stepfather of abuse.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand13.htm - size 31kb - 20 Oct 2003
18. THE SPECTRUM OF PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME (PART I)
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a distinctive family response to divorce in which the child becomes aligned with one parent and preoccupied with unjustified and/or exaggerated denigration of the other target parent.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/rand02.htm - size 44kb - 20 Oct 2003
19. Expanding the Parameters of PAS
The newness of the parental alienation syndrome (PAS) compels its redefinition and refinement as new cases are observed and the phenomenon becomes better understood.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-cartwright.htm - size 32kb - 20 Oct 2003
20. PAS: How to Detect It and What to Do About It
Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.
URL: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/pas-walsh2.htm - size 24kb - 20 Oct 2003




One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is definitely better.

 

[stressedstepmom]

Thank you PeanutsDad. I have been lurking for a while and have already read your amazing story and all the links. In fact last month when dh went to lawyer when all this started I printed off the 3 part article on PAS for dh to give to lawyer for some "light" reading. Turns out lawyer and most of his firm have or are studying PAS. Don't know if lawyer will use any of that this coming Thursday in court, but I hope that eventually when we go for custody it will all come in handy. Not sure if or when we are going for custody, right now our main focus is just the boys having a healthy mental state.
I was thinking that maybe when dh calls cps  Tuesday to see who is working his case while original case worker is out that he ask said caseworker if he can fax the petition to them to have on file. Because like you stated, child neglet is going on and at the bm's doing, so shouldn't that be part of their case? Original case worker was really upset that ss's seemed to know a lot about dh having a lawyer and possibly taking bm to court. cps said bm was giving them too much information. well now bm seems to think that the only reason ss's have to attend counseling is because of their father. this is what she wrote on petition "both children ordered by cps to receive counseling. Counseling is a result of the mental abuse caused by father xxx." Now with this womans history I know she is telling the same thing to the boys.  So do you think dh should fax the petition to cps for them to have on file? She says nowhere in petition that dh called cps because oss was harming himself and bm neglected to seek medical treatment.  I will write in my notes for lawyer to use petition as evidence against her with the cps report. Thanks for your advice and fingers crossed!

[Peanutsdad]

That is exactly what I mean.

A caring parent PROTECTS thier children from too much knowledge,, a self centered creep makes sure the kids know everything,, and typically slants the story to put all the blame on one party.


If it were me, I would be giving cps any and all information available to aid them in their investigation. So, yes, in my long winded way,, have dh call them and arrange to fax them any documents they might need.


My story isnt  anything special,, other than my winning custody. The circumstances fell right for my little girl. In that,, we were lucky. With the wrong judge, or a social worker too far over the bias line, it would never have happened for us. As it was, my ex was so far out there in mental health issues and activities, even the social worker could not  condone leaving custody with her.

[stressedstepmom]

 I understand what you mean about getting lucky with the judge and social worker. It breaks my heart to read all the horror stories on here and see so many people ready to call it quits because they are made to feel that the only reason they are needed is to provide cs. Every child needs both of their parents, simple as that. I still find your story amazing, something to give hope to all that are hopeless. I think it is wonderful that people like you participate in boards like this to help others. It just says to people to never give up hope, to fight the good fight :)

[Peanutsdad]

It's funny you should mention that....hope. When I started, it's all I had. So many people told me I was a fool for trying,, but there was no way in hell I was going to just give up.


We have members here that have pursued their case up to the statew supreme courts. THAT is dedication. The folks that have fought for YEARS, completely ruined themselves financially, mentally, emotionally and spiritually....THOSE are the people I admire. They NEVER quit. In my eyes, they ARE heroes. Their kids will never have to question them: "Why didnt you fight for me?"

[wendl]

you may want to get ahold of the counselor in moms area and let them know they will need to give the counselor in our state info as well so both counselors know what is going on so they can help this child.

:)


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**