Newbie here (long)

[cartman]

Okay, I'm new here and this is my problem. My dd (11yo) has not been wanting to spend her time with me lately. This has been getting worse for the last year or so.

Her mom and I have been divorced for 3 yrs. Her mom re-married soon after the divorce and I went through the "I hate him" stage and tried to be supportive. During that time I built a new home and guess who bought a house less than a block away? Yep, the ex and new hubby.
It made me uncomfortable but there was an up-side, my dd had easy access to me and life was good and visitation was just as her mom and I had agreed.

Enter new gf. I meet someone and fell in love. Now...I expected this to be a big deal as I had not seriously dated before this. To my surprise 6 months go by without a problem. We get engaged, of course the ex lives too close.

So about a year ago gf and I sell both our houses and move into a rental about 10 miles away and start constuction on new home. Right about now ex is complaining about the drive and suddenly dd wants to spent 2 nights a month less with me. I lost a lot of sleep over it but decided with the small rental, moving in w/fiance, me working on the new home, etc. that I would go along with it.

We moved into our new home right at the 1st of this year. I thought dd would be happy. I now am only 6 blks away and dd tells me that she wants to spend more time w/mom, less with me. She explains that she worrys about her mom and doesn't want to make her feel bad. She also says her mom and sd do all the fun stuff when she is with me.

This summer has been worse,dd is only spending 1 night a month and 2 evenings every other week with me. Our relationship has suffered because of this. Her mom has planned things that dd enjoys like b-day parties, and even picked up a new puppy on my weekends. I have always given in and let her stay at her moms when she has asked.

The final straw was last saturday and her mom was having a yard sale. dd has always enjoyed that so instead of picking her up at 10:30 I told her I would pick her up at noon. I pull up, yard sale still going, dd and mom go in the house to get clothes. They come out dd is sobbing as she gets in car. I drive away and ask what is wrong. She said her mom told her it was too bad she could'nt stay for the rest of the sale and made her feel bad.

Sorry to say I finally flipped took dd home and told her call me when you would like to come see me. Needless to say the phone hasn't rang and I am going nuts.

Could someone please tell me what to do. I have a court orded custody agreement that doesn't that I fought long and hard to get and it isn't doing me any good.

Any and all advice/support would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long story and thank you for your time!

 

[kiddosmom]

Frankly, by letting the mother have her way you are enabling her to do this to you. Put your foot down and stick to the CO. You are the one giving in, she is going to grow up thinking daddy doesn't want her, if that is what mommy is saying, then what you are doing makes her think it is true.

[sweetnsad]

I agree Kiddo....I would just stick to what your court order says and not let mom dictate visitation.  Your daughter will, ultimately, be the one that suffers in the end.

[Kitty C.]

You are a victim of PAS, my friend.  Research it on this site and you will find yourself reading about your own situation.  in short, it is NOT your daughter who is making this decision, it is the influence of her mother who is putting pressure on her to think that way.  That's PAS.

By giving in, she gains the upper hand.  But it's time to put your foot down and make sure you follow the decree to the letter.  Your daughter does NOT have the right to say whether she wants to come see you or not.  That is not a decision a child should have to make, because what it is is allowing her to choose one parent over the other.  that will have serious repercussions for the rest of her life in her relationship with you.

Also check out the 'Intent to Visit' and 'Denial of Visitation' letters and USE them.  If the ex refuses visitation, use the Time Tracker on this site, or Optimal at parentingtime.net to trak it all, then file contempt charges against her for denial of visitation.

What a bunch of crap.....getting a new puppy and planning things while she's with you.  Talk about calculated!  You can see that, can't you?  Your daughter is caught in the middle of this and none of it is her fault.  Her mother is playing on her feelings and taking advantage of her to force you out of her life.  What a POS.........

[cartman]

Thanks for the reply and I believe you are right. However, if I drop the hammer and stick to the CO I'm sure the mom will use that against me.

I can't tell you how many hours have been spent crying and worrying about mom when dd is at my house. It has really stressed me and it seems to be a losing battle.

The thing I don't understand is dd and I were always very close, before and after the divorce. Why would her mom want that to change now?

[sweetnsad]

Possibly because she sees how close you and your daughter are and it really makes her insecure.  Maybe she is afraid that when your daughter is old enough to choose who she lives with, she may choose you.  What better way to make sure that doesn't happen, than to make dd believe that "daddy doesn't care anymore".....Don't let her....put your foot down and continue your court ordered visitation.  You won't be sorry and I wouldn't worry about Mom using that against you.  Later on in life, dd will realize how much you cared and loved her by continuing to be an active parent in her life.  No matter what her mother tells her.

[Kitty C.]

Jealousy, plain and simple.  I know it sounds stupid, especially since she's remarried, but that doesn't make any difference to her.  As long as she knew you were unattached, maybe pining away for her, she felt in control.  Now that you've basically 'moved on', she feels threatened and is doing all she can to maintain that control, real or perceived.

Dropping the hammer and following the CO to the letter canNOT backfire on you, cuz when the ex tries to pitch a fit, the ONLY place she will get it resolved is in court, then she will look like an idiot for NOT following the CO.

One other thing you must keep in mind.  If you allow things to continue to transpire as they are, YOU will be setting a precedent and if it goes on for too long, when you do end up in court, the ex can point out that YOU were the one who ALLOWED it to get this far.  It MUST be stopped NOW, or it will only get worse, to the point that your DD will refuse to see you altogether and you will have lost her.

Lord only knows what kind of crap your ex is pumping into her head, but the ex is definitely is getting the results she wants.  What your ex is doing is nothing but cold, calculated PAS, to effectively remove you from your DD's life.  If you allow it to happen, she WILL be successful.

[Kimberly9]

Listen to them.  Start following the court order and sending out the "Intent to Exercise Visitation Letters"  Give your daugter lots of extra hugs and explain to her that where she spends her time is not something she has to worry about -- the adults will work it out.  

Read up on PAS.  You might consider finding a counselor in your area that is familiar with PAS to take your daughter to.

Please don't get mad at your daughter -- she is just following the path of least resistance.  Put up some resistance and defend your time.

Hang in there.

[cartman]

First of all I would like to again thank the folks here for the good advice.

I just wanted to let you know I have sent a registered letter to my ex about my intentions of sticking to the CO with my visitation schedule. It should arrive just before I pick up my dd this evening.

I know there is probably going to be a tough road ahead but I am at complete peace with what I am doing because it is the right thing to do.

I will keep you posted with what happens. Thanks again for all the help and this is a great place!!

[Kitty C.]

And keep coming back!  Guaranteed that this will piss off the ex, and she will do her damndest to undermine you any way she can.  When you get discouraged, come here to vent and we'll pick you up.  When you want to celebrate, we're here to cheer you on!  When you need ANY info whatsoever, there is bound to be someone here who either has the answer or can direct you to where you can find it.

[msme]

Now, you might want to add a few things to your weapons arsenol. I would send her a card each time she goes home. They have all sorts of neat cards for kids. Tell her that you enjoyed your time together & are looking forward to the next time. Tell her to call if there is something particular that she would like to do on the next visit or if there is some event coming up that she would like to attend with you.

Copy the cards & send them with proof of mailing, don't do certified. Don't mention them for a few weeks, unless she does. If she doesn't mention them, then casually mention that you were a bit surprised that she never mentioned them.

Odds are that she will say that she doesn't know what you are talking about. You can then produce the copies of the cards & the proofs of mailing & ask, sort of bewilderedly, "Are you sure you didn't get these? I Know I used the right address. I guess you will have to ask your mom about them." Then change the subject.

You might also ask her to help plan the menu for her weekends & help with the cooking. Kids love to cook & after awhile, you might find that working in the kitchen together lends itself to opening doors for communicating.

I would also set certain rules for behavior. Such as not allowing her to just sit & cry over her mother. Decide on an appropriate discipline. Also, I would do as the others have suggested & have her see a counselor when she is with you.

Good Luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[sweetnsad]

Cartman, that's wonderful news...I'm glad to hear that you are doing the right thing....Msme has great ideas, I would use them if I were you...

(((hugs))) to both you and your daughter.

[cartman]

Holy Smokes, I am so glad that I sent the letter. I never expected the results that I am experiencing. My dd's attitude has completely changed.

In addition to keeping our visitation schedule, she has been to my house twice on her own, apparently with BM's blessing.

You guys were so right! She is a different kid because she no longer has to choose who she is with.

The thing the stumps me is bm's behavior, I don't trust her but at the moment she is supporting the visitation. I didn't even have to threaten her with contempt.

The only thing I can figure out is the letter must have been a wake-up call that I am not going to put up with anymore bs concerning visitation.

Anyhow, wanted to let you know what has happened and again, I just want to thank everyone who replied. I truly appreciate this site and the people that support it.

[Kitty C.]

Thank God!  Just maybe she's one of those PBFH's that only takes a minimal amount of intimidation to get them to toe the line.  She sees that you're standing up for yourself, your daughter, and your rights.....and she doeesn't know 'how far' you'd be willing to go, possibly places she don't want to.....like COURT.

But now you know, rolling over and playing dead gets you railroaded, but standing up and sticking to your guns creates change.  Just remember:  be willing to put your money where your mouth is, if she ever decides to push the issue.

Enjoy the new turn of events, the added time with your daughter, and......ALWAYS CYA!!!!!!!!!  

[sweetnsad]

That's wonderful news!!!  I am so happy for you and your daughter.  You're right not to trust your ex, but if she is complying  with the order, then great.  Just do as Kitty says and CYA!  

It's nice to know that your daughter is finally not feeling like she's being pulled in two different directions.  That's the hardest part, I think, on children.  They feel they have to choose and it shouldn't be that way.

Anyhow, good luck and I hope all stays well.....:)

[cartman]

I just wanted to check in and let everyone know things have been awesome w/ my dd. The past two weeks we have stuck to the schedule and it has been great.

I can see a change already, at least she seems to be a lot happier. I even was able to take her to school on the first day and meet her teacher.

When I picked her up on Friday she was wanting to negotiate Sunday night/Monday morning. She said it would be "easier on me" if she spent the night w/bm. I said no and we didn't discuss it anymore.

If I had realized that one letter would make this kind of change I would have sent it a year ago when the problem started.

Thanks again to the folks here on the SPARC forum!!!!  

[Kitty C.]

I'm really glad things are working out, cartman.  And I hate to focus any negativity on it, but...........you still have to CYA!  There's a reason why it got to the point that it did before you sent that letter.  What's transpired the last few weeks doesn't mean it's automatically disappeared.  Maybe the letter is all it took to intimidate your ex to toe the line with the order, who knows.  But even if that is the case, there's nothing stopping her from trying it again, if she gets the nerve.  Maybe it was only your act of speaking up and standing up for your rights.  But if we knew why these craxy exes do what they do, there wouldn't be much need for forums like this, LOL!

So enjoy your time with your D and stay on your toes at all times.  Good luck and God bless!

[wendl]

That is just great, I am so glad to hear things are giong well for you and DD.

:)

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**